Advice please

[DigbyDouglas]

I’m 40 years old, I’ve been married for 14 years and we have 3 children. The problem is that I’m not attracted to my wife and I don’t think I ever was. I was married before and I cheated with my present wife and she got pregnant. I divorced my first wife and married my present wife right away. I knew at the time it was out of a sense of duty rather than genuine attraction.

I should point out that my first marriage was also a loveless marriage. I felt pressure to date her and pressure to marry her. I regretted it from the first moment.

I have always been somewhat attracted to men even though I tried to deny and bury my real feelings. I am starting to come to accept that fact that I’m bisexual as I find men and women attractive. I don’t know what to do. I feel on the one hand that I shouldn’t say anything to my wife out of a sense of responsibility towards her and our children. On the other hand I am not being honest with her or myself.

My wife and I rarely have sex. I’m just not attracted to her. When we do have sex I have to fantasize about men just to get an erection. I had sex with a couple of male friends when I was a teenager and the memory still works to get me aroused today.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[G-Lexington]

Well, you've got four options.

* Stay with your wife.
* Cheat.
* Open the relationship.
* Break up.

You apparently have decided option one isn't the way to go. That leaves option two through four.

You sort of suggest that option four isn't in the cards, at least from what I read about "responsibility" to her and the children. I've got more to say there, but for now, it looks like option four is off the table.

That leaves option two and three. Which sort of changes the question from a vague sort of "what do I do" to a "I'm going to (look to) have sex outside of my marriage - should I tell my wife?" If that's really the question, then my answer is "yes", and you can stop reading this post at this point.

If you're still with me, let's go back to your marriage for a second. Whatever justification you might have for getting married (you were "pressured" into it), the fact remains that you did get married. You signed that contract, and as such, you should abide by the terms of said contract. If you can't abide by those terms, you need to either get them changed, or get out of the contract.

And yes, it's very tempting to simply cheat. And it's tempting to say you won't tell her about it to "spare her feelings". But come on. You're adults now, and it's time you started acting like it. If you feel the sex you're having now is insufficient, and you're going to need to look outside the marriage to fulfill that need, the very least you should do is allow her the same right. Let HER find some other guy to have sex with, as well. To not do so is selfish in the extreme.

Lex

 

[sixthson]

The only advice I have is to think of your children. They are the only truly innocent ones here. You've made choices in life, now you have to accept the responsibily of them.
There will be many here who will tell you that you have the right to explore your gay side, but your children deserve a full time Dad. Who will be first in your life: yourself or your children? It's time to stop making bad choices.

What makes you think you would be any more happy just because you are having gay sex? Life is about love, not just sex.

 

[hylas]

im truly sorry you had to grow up in an enviroment that has made you prone to denial and terrible life choices. but that doesnt change the fact that, at the end of the day, you have made those choices, and you are responsible for the consequences. so no more whining about "being pressured into marrying somebody." time to grow the fuck up.

it would be easy to say that you should just do whatever you wanted, because its your life. but the one thing that changes all this is the fact that you have children. so, no, your life isnt completely yours anymore. you have a huge responsibilty, and your kids should always come before you.

but i still think you should end the relationship with your wife, which clearly isnt going anywhere worth going. you can still be a good dad. i dont know how your family is structured, financially speaking, but assuming youre the main source of income, keep ensuring that your children are well off. keep in contact, stay a presence in their life, make sure they know you love them (you do, dont you? you only mention them in reference to "responsibility" and "duty")

the other possibilities all include denial, cheating, lies... it sounds like youve had enough of that in your life already. time to try some honesty.

(i wouldnt consider opening the relationship. that only works if the relationship is healthy, and not "loveless")

good luck!


oh, and...

And yes, it's very tempting to simply cheat. And it's tempting to say you won't tell her about it to "spare her feelings". But come on. You're adults now, and it's time you started acting like it.

i love this quote

 

[ucfknight12]

Well, you've got four options.

* Stay with your wife.
* Cheat.
* Open the relationship.
* Break up.

You apparently have decided option one isn't the way to go. That leaves option two through four.

You sort of suggest that option four isn't in the cards, at least from what I read about "responsibility" to her and the children. I've got more to say there, but for now, it looks like option four is off the table.

That leaves option two and three. Which sort of changes the question from a vague sort of "what do I do" to a "I'm going to (look to) have sex outside of my marriage - should I tell my wife?" If that's really the question, then my answer is "yes", and you can stop reading this post at this point.

If you're still with me, let's go back to your marriage for a second. Whatever justification you might have for getting married (you were "pressured" into it), the fact remains that you did get married. You signed that contract, and as such, you should abide by the terms of said contract. If you can't abide by those terms, you need to either get them changed, or get out of the contract.

And yes, it's very tempting to simply cheat. And it's tempting to say you won't tell her about it to "spare her feelings". But come on. You're adults now, and it's time you started acting like it. If you feel the sex you're having now is insufficient, and you're going to need to look outside the marriage to fulfill that need, the very least you should do is allow her the same right. Let HER find some other guy to have sex with, as well. To not do so is selfish in the extreme.

Lex

Tell her about your attraction to men, you never know maybe she'll find that hot and you can have a threesome

But seriously, I have to agree with that you have to think about the kids. I don't know about your marriage like if you guys fight and the such, but if getting divorced is "better" for the kids then thats what you have to do. Cheating is *DEFINITELY* not the option because that will just lead to anger and will definitely bother the kids. I hope this helped

 

[KaraBulut]

There's not any perfect advice we can give you here. Whatever you decide to do, you owe it to your family to discuss the state of things with your wife and decide what is best for your children.

 

[bankside]

Think of your children. What would they think of their father if they knew he figured out this incredibly important thing about himself, finally knew something true and definite, and then just pretended it never happened?

What would they think of their father if they figured out one day he didn't really have the hots for their mom, but nobody every said anything about it, and their mom, though never single, grew lonelier and harder, and more grim with every day of the joyless endurance marathon of being married without that spark.

The problem is not being bisexual, the problem is being [STRIKE]out of love[/STRIKE] never in love with your wife. Give her the freedom of another chance at romance with a guy who is either straight, or bi but into her. You owe it to her, and you owe it to your children.

Think about it overnight. If it is still how you truly feel, then that's my advice.

 

[wilecoyote]

Staying unhappy in an unhealthy marriage is not what's best for the children, either. Being the best Dad to your children is, of course, your number one priority. Staying with your wife doesn't make you a good dad. Maybe seeking counsleing to help you deal with things would be a good option right now.

 

[bryan2710]

Hey,
Finally
First post here but damn, I could of wrote this!
Think there's a lot of bimm out there that have the exact same issue.
Gotta believe family is #1.
Im a little different from OP in that my wife can still get me off.
Still the mention of being into dudes could backfire big time.
my feelings is like the vegas saying" what happens in vegas stays.........."
Hey and remember the grass is always greener!

 

[bankside]

I promise to love, honour, and still get you off.

Yeah, I bet that's the marriage she dreamed of while somebody's off in Vegas. I'm only saying this because I do believe family is #1, and "vegas" is not the way to do it.

 

[G-Lexington]

I guess I'd be fine with it if it works both ways. Are you cool with your wife heading to Vegas whenever she feels the need, even if she doesn't feel the need to tell you about it?

Lex