Advices on relationship or whatever it could be

[RedTie]

Hey guys (or girls idk who might read this actually.)

I'm kinda in a weird spot right now, so I might use some "internet help".

Some pieces of background about me, I'm 30 years old, I consider myself as a bisexual, but I think I just use that as a cover to just cover the fact that I'm just gay. I'm kinda shy about relationship stuff & actually suffering from anxiety & depression. I see a psychiatrist & also recently a psychologist to treat those some things & I'm actually in a rough patch. I'm also a virgin because well, I prefer to wait the right person because I think its something "sacred" or I don't really know how to describe it.. perhaps something I like to share with someone special & not the first person that can come into a bar & say "hello".
English is not my first language so I'm sorry if the writing/spelling isnt right.

So yeah, there was some infos about me. Now the real stuff.
The last 2/3 months I've started to see some friends (a heterosexual couple m 37 f 33) that I know from online gaming. It's like a window to the world for me & that's something I like so yeah, judge me I'm a geek : p
He works from home, so we spend most of our days on voip talking & playing together, I'm a part of his day to day life & he is part of mine. I also talk to her but in the early nights.

But after the second week end, he started to act really weird with me, like hitting on me, in a very explicit way. We used to just joke about it, I call him "Baby" & stuff, but just for the fun of it & that I know he is in a couple & heterosexual. So yeah, first thing weird he did with me was asking to his 7yo girlfriend in their bedroom (I could hear him & he said that really loud) "if a blowjob is cheating?". I laughed it off because I'm inexperienced & well, that's awkward. He later texted me that night that he might have something that needed help (ie his boner), I answered in the early morning "I don't know maybe I can help " in a way that no way its gonna happen.
But he came to my bedroom, spooned me & well the boner was still here. Asked me for a handjob or blowjob... I was kinda shocked because well, it's someone I like as a friend, I find him attractive for a bear so yeah.. It was unexpected, I started a handjob but stopped it after 1 / 2min because well, Im someone that cant be used as a test or a fantasy I'm not aware of. Also her girlfriend came in a room during this so yeah..

That was only the start, because I came to their house a few times more, because I like them, was really at peace with my depression & more & more well.. I kinda start to fancy him & start to have some fantasies as well.
So yeah he kept trying things with me, like hardcore trolling or being serious. I've seen his butt many times, I sucked 2 of his fingers because I was near his crotch level (he was standing, I was laying down on the couch), I helped him bathe twice, I helped him with his clothes as well & he pushed me out of the bathroom laughing, I put some cream vs mousquito on his body, etc.. I think you see the picture & how I was confused as well with my feelings & well being "used" like that.

I decided to talk to him because well, I think that's a bit fucked up imo. I played along so that's not entirely his fault. I let him do stuff, I allow myself to do stuff as well but I'm more of a gentle person & not really good at showing my body nor showing my feelings/interest at someone. I said that I prefer to not waste what we could have as friends (with her as well), & playing like this will create drama with me & I don't want it with them, and not with our other friends. He said he was cool with that, but the evening after that was again the same. Her girlfriend also called me her boyfriend lover so she sounds like ok with all of that. Maybe she ships our relationship idk.

So this kind of stuff continued, he made us a cake with no pants (but an apron, I don't want any pubes in my chocolate cake), etc you see the picture.
I've started to say some stuff as well but I think it started to be beyond the fantasy for me.
He also said some stuff to me, like how I smell good during one of many long hugs we shared, something that I was some kind of fresh air when he was bummed, texted me & I tried to cheer him up, some things like listing his girlfriend's flaws & how single life is easier..

I started to be a little more confused about the situation & could talk to any of my friends about this, because it's awkward to me, but I found the courage to do so. One of them said he was a dickhead to play with me like that, another said that I need to forget him & move on, another said that it's weird & kinda gave me hope about him wondering about his sexuality/his actual relationship.

Here I was with my deep crush, with some things to back it up, physical & stuff he told me. I decided to talk to him again, because it's started to fuck me up more with some more issues. I asked to put some boundaries again, becuase i don't know whats going on, that i was faulty as well & that i have other stuff going on.
He said that there is nothing to worry, that isnt not interested in me, that he was under some "side effects" of his prozac prescription etc.
I did defend myself that he may had dropped some clues that was weird to me & well, really gay & interested about me. He answered nothing, nor said sorry about this attitude.
I was kinda hurt, bummed & also depressed so I cried a bit, he tried to hug me, I denied him because I felt really bad about myself allowing to do this kind of stuff to me & mad at him for playing with me.
Later that night, we couldnt sleep, we texted each other, he asked me if I wanted to watch some tv, I said yes why not, answered with a "maybe we could catch a porn". Like it was the best thing to say to me after that talk.

A few days passed, I was still at their place, we decided to drink a bit (I'm not a drinker, but I decided to try, because well who doesnt try?). A friend of theirs was here as well, so we had some fun, I tried to masked my depressed face like I always do with my family (who isnt aware that I'm bi, and I think they might not accept that). I was kinda tipsy, like everyone, he asked for his girlfriend for a massage in the bottom of his back, I was like "wtf we are here please do that somewhere else" but laughed it off with their friend.
He later asked me to touch his butt to feel if I felt the fact that some muscle was swollen or something. I did because I was tipsy, he was as well. Their friend said that he can leave because it was kinda weird & made him probably unconfortable to see some kind of twisted threeway.
Later that night, we are the two of us, still a bit tipsy, we decided to go to sleep, because it was late & in the middle of the week as well & he had work the next day (he work from home so we stay the whole day together). He let me go first on the staircase, I kinda feel his eyes on me, in a naughty way.. He also watched me changed myself (just dropped my pants & switched teeshirts), when I turned back he was there on the doorcase, looking at me with a really naughty look, like If i tried something it was on. We looked each other in the eye for like 2min in silence. I did nothing because it was unexpected, because he told me he was hitting on me because on his medecines, that I was hurt for the last days, & that well, I don't want to be someone experiment. I said good night while kissing him on the cheeks, he seemed a bit dissapointed & said the same to me.

They left for their holidays a few days later for 3 weeks, and they were hell for me, because I missed him so much, didnt have any text (or just some random things from his girlfriend). I realized that well I might be in love. I'm confused with the random signs he gave me, I don't know if I should see them again, or just work on myself to deal with that.. but unfortunately, I'm kinda done with working on myself, because as I mention, I'm a therapy, he knew about that, he decided maybe to play with me or well having his 40s crisis, or i dont know. I also know things about his past how he ended his last relation to be with this girl & that was though on him. He also know that I discover that I'm bi by being in love with someone that played with me, & later when I came out to him, he just said, "no but I can propose you a threesome with a girl."

Finally here I am, they come back home tomorrow. She already texted me to see the lasts GoT they missed. It's also his birthday & I got him a nice gift. But I'm litteraly heartbroken, I want him for myself & I'm jealous of her, he gave me physical & psychological attention like none ever did. I'm acting like a teenager with him like bringing him whatever he needs & overall being a really nice perso to him, like a lover could be. But I also want to protect myself because I kinda know that I will be hurt in the process of being denied any kind of relationship, maybe lose some friends in the process.

So here I am typing a long ass embarassing story about myself.
What should I do ? What should I say ? Whats your opinion ?
Thanks in advance for any answers you could reply with.

ps : sorry again for the long post & for my english who might be bad because its not my first language.

 

[SeaCore]

Our backgrounds actually sound exceptionally similar. Though I'm 25 and my issues with whether to label myself as bisexual or not are resolved. If that's something you want to get into a bit more I'm open to talking about that but it seems tangential to this topic.

It's definitely a tricky situation to say the least... But I feel like right now you're missing an important question, based on the background you provided earlier.
Do you think this guy will make your first experience special and why?

If this were me, I were put into this situation, where I liked a guy who was both my friend and in a relationship with a friend of mine and who I felt uncertain about what the boundaries of our relationship were and who was not able to make it clear what those boundaries are when I explicitly ask, I would not be able to pursue that relationship.

I know myself well enough that I wouldn't feel like I could trust them (For the cheating-esque behavior) and because they can't be direct with me when I ask them for clarification. I don't pick up on subtle hints very well and communication is one of the most important traits that I look for. It would be a disaster in the making.
That may not be how it is for you but I'm putting it out there since we were really similar in other areas.

How would I move forward? I don't know. But continuing weighing the pros and cons.
Is this turmoil really better than letting go of them?
Would talking to both the girl and the guy be an option?

Also your English is fantastic. I wouldn't have known it was not your first language unless you said something. It's better than a lot of native English-speakers.

 

[RedTie]

Hey, thanks for your answer, I appreciate it.

I thought I could have a relationship with a girl as well as a man, but I think I may be more into sex with men & just the relationship with a girl. Like I prefer to be protected or kinda sheltered by someone older or stronger, if what I write make any sense.
Those situations made me really awkward at first, because he gave me an instant boner, that confused me at first, because thats not what I'm used to have when I'm at a friends house. That's when I said to myself, I may not be totally bi after all. Even if I don't forbid myself to fancy a girl, now I think I'm more into men.

I don't really know if he can make it special, apart from thoses weirds things, he is always gentle to me & appreciate when I'm around. So I think it'll be nice yeah. I just doesnt want to be pushed at doing things I don't want to. (I'm thinking about anal & other stuff I might have fantasies about but need practice, think light bdsm). He also can turn me on really fast, like he knows all the switch about that.

I got you about the communication issue, I think I'm the one who brought it up, that he never spoke about the side effects of his medecine & I thought it was just a random excuses at first.. then no & blamed myself for everything, & back to the point of 'its bullshit, he drank & looked at me the same way". It's just.. I don't know, like he is unhappy or whatever, he wants to try but doesnt want to hurt my feelings or can't have the balls to go in or just doesn't know. I don't want to be a homewrecker as well, even I want to save him if he is unhappy (like not having kids, or being depressed about his job & issues with her). When he smile at me its like I can bother to hang on to my life, don't get me started on his eyes.

I just wrote that & thought that I may look like a gay that is in love with a hetero, but so many signals. I kinda want to have an open hearted talk with him about that, because I suffer about that situation & I don't know if I could resist anymore with his attempts. But at the same time, I don't want to destroy what we have, even it's a bit twisted at first. I think we are mature enough to deal with that (not me at first because well, I'm the one who'll be heartbroken or something).
I might add that she is bisexual, that she prefers girls but really love him, that they like when I'm around because I think they are bored with each other maybe & I don't know if they want me to move in with them, because I spend something like 1 month at their place for the last 2 months, they wanted me to come in holidays with me etc.

Like you said, I may be confused by the lack of communication in this situation, with me & them.
For the question about the turmoil, I want to say that I care about both of them, but at the same time, when I just think about me, well I just want to let go, because I'll be hurt if they tell me that they decide to move somewhere else in my country, if they expect a child, if they decided to marry each other.. I'm already jealous when they just kiss each other or when she gave him some ice cream so I can't imagine the real important stuff.
I can talk to both of them, but I think I'll be embarassed & so she'll be. As I said I don't want to cause any drama, but I think I'm the one being crushed by this situation. I know they will care if they know how I feel, I just need to be brave enough to take the bullet on that one. I just don't know how to recover from it.

Anyway thanks for the kind words

 

[Seasoned]

It all depends on what you want, but it does sound like you want a full time lover. This is a giant teasing situation, leaving you wanting more.

 

[KaraBulut]

A general guideline for novices: if the relationship can't be summarized in a sentence or two, then you're probably in something that isn't healthy, especially for someone who is inexperienced.

There's all sorts of complications to this situation: a girlfriend, a blurring of the line between friendship and sex, your depression/anxiety issues, the excuses ("his medicine") for the behavior, et al. Even if you were someone who had a lot of experience in relationships and sex, this would be a lot.

Bottom line: you're in over your head

You may have to forgo a friendship in order to protect yourself from getting hurt.

Maybe it's time you started looking out for yourself and looking for that guy who can give you what you want- the guy who is clear on what he wants and has an interest in something besides just teasing/attention?

 

[RedTie]

Thanks for your answers.

Some news+update.

I saw their friend for a little shopping spree together because we were both bored, I texted them a pic of us together like it was nothing. She answered that we were cute & he answered nothing. I called him after one text of his to wish him a happy birthday, I felt him jealous because I spend the day with one of his friend, he said that "maybe you could sleep at his place" in a mean tone & I answered something like "well you don't like me anymore & doesnt want me around your house?". He answered nothing to that.
I went to their house during the evening, wished him again a happy birthday, gave him my gift, said thats the only one he got (his girlfriend gave him nothing), that was really unconfortable to be honest.
I tried to play it neutral around him, when the same friend came, I was the usual "me". He acted again a bit jealous when he asked what we have done during our evening together. I said that we were just hanging out in some shops. He insisted & we were in for a descrption of everything we made for something like 25min+(nothing implying any interest between the two of us, just 2 dudes hanging out). He spoke about 3min about their 3 weeks holidays.. It was weird to me that he wanted to badly to know what we have done together & how do we share some private jokes (and probably why I was a bit distant to him). The evening went on as normal, he just wished me a good night with just his underwear. I left the next day & cried for the 1h drive one, like wtf is going on again.

I decided to talk to a friend who knows him for longer than I do, because well, it was enough & needed to talk to someone who can help me with more information about him. He was a bit shoked about what happened, but not really surprised because he thinks that he isnt happy with her, with his job & well for many years. I just added more to this with my information & story. I added that I was really hurt by that & well, fell in love the more he played with me & that was a little perverted to be honest. He tried to cheer me up, worked a bit but not much & told me to speak to another friend of ours to see if she had insight about it. I spoke to her because well, at that point I can tell the whole world. She told me that he was sometimes really weird with her because she is really explicit sometimes, have a weird sex life & he thought it was maybe nice to hit on her & ask her more about threesomes & stuff.
So yeah, really nice, but I still fancy him & still fantasizes about him like its the best guy ever & maybe he is just as guilty & victim as I do because he may be totally unhappy & doesnt do anything to get better.

I'm still torned between phases, like deep love because he gave me so many signs, some really horny times when well, I just want him to go for what he wants & some times when I just hate him because who on Earth does that.
I just try to avoid him a bit for now to follow some advices I've been told like your answers for example, but some times I just want him around. So yeah we'll see if I come to their house again, if he tries something else again & how I want to play it if I want to really hit on him & not playing by his rules.

Finally Karabulut, thats a nice piece of advices, thanks a lot.

 

[bankside]

If he and his girlfriend sat down with you one day, and his girlfriend said "I think you two both want to be together. I see the way you look at each other sometimes, and I think maybe my boyfriend and I should break up. It makes me a bit sad because I liked him, but I don't think we are right for each other after all, and I want to find the right man for me, and I don't want to stand between you. I hope you at least have a nice date sometime." And then she hugs you both and leaves.

If she said that to you both, I think you would be very happy to try dating him, wouldn't you? To see what it is like openly, with full emotion and relationship, and not just secret hand jobs when she is out of the room.

If that is what you want most of all to try, then you know you do not have feelings of friendship for him, you have deeper feelings that are different from friendship.

He is very happy to explore his curiosity with you, but I don't think he understands his own feelings. He is not really offering you friendship, and he is not offering you the relationship that you probably need to be happy either. I don't know how you can get him to think about his own feelings more clearly, but all I can say is he probably does not meet your needs right now, or his girlfriend's, until he grows to understand himself more.