Advise on how gay bars work

[XplicitBoy]

Hey ya’ll.

Young dude in his early 20s here in Los Angeles.

I went to this gay bar/dance club a few weeks ago and was having a ton of fun. I got to meet this older (50 year old) guy and we had a blast together. We danced, we talked, and we drank. Fast forward, we go to his place and we spend the night at his place making beautiful love. It was awesome. I thought we were both really into each other. It looked like he was from my dreams.

He then wakes me up at 6:30AM with, “Hey dude, it’s morning time, do you want to get ready and leave?” I tell him that my friend will pick me up from here at 7:30AM. At 7AM, I wake up, we make out for a little bit, I get dressed and get ready to leave. At the door, I ask for his number and he says, “It’s okay, I’m sure we’ll bump into each other again.” Then he pretty much closes the door to my face and I never get his number. My friend picks me up and I go back home.

I’m not sure what happened. I thought we were into each other and we often talked about doing other stuff with each other in the future. I’m scared if I did something wrong too.
To be really honest, this was only my 3rd time going out to a gay bar/club and only the second time I’ve gone home with a guy from a bar/club. I’ve slept with other guys, but they were mostly from apps and websites and stuff. I’m a late bloomer because I’ve only started to figure sexuality out in the past year or so. I’m scared that I might have been too emotionally involved and maybe it was just sex from the beginning, even though I mentally hoped for something more.

I thought the bar culture was more into longer lasting stuff. I thought guys at bars were more into looking for friendships or something a little longer lasting than a one night stand. What can I do to prevent something like this from happening in the future or is this normal and I should just get used to it? I’m looking for something a little longer lasting than a one night stand and was hoping that the bar scene would be more supportive of my quest than gay apps.

 

[aaggii]

A big mistake is having expectations, especially from someone you just met. It´s clear he wanted you in his bed and told stories to you to get what he wanted, which seems to be a one night stand.

It´s not your fault, you are in your early 20s and have to make some mistakes to gain experience, but make sure you don´t make BIG ones, like lack of condom, not letting someone know where you are etc.

Apps or bars, most people want a quick fuck and I´m surprised he didn´t throw you out right after that. Some folks are assholes. If you want more than sex, meet people and talk with them until going into bed together, get to know them, let them get to know you. If you use apps, put it in your description that you want something more than just sex.

Also, as being into older guys myself, I had my share of assholes. Their life experience makes them lie easier, so be safe! There are always good people out there, believe me.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

The bar scene is the original app before apps were invented. There is no one magic place to meet a nice guy to date long term. You have to get to know them, and not put out so quickly if you're looking for more than a quick fling.

 

[KaraBulut]

I thought the bar culture was more into longer lasting stuff. I thought guys at bars were more into looking for friendships or something a little longer lasting than a one night stand... was hoping that the bar scene would be more supportive of my quest than gay apps.

Oh, boy.

As the others mentioned, the bars are a lot of things but for most people, they are places to look for company for the night. And generally, if you have sex with someone after meeting them, it's generally a sign that both parties are looking for a no-strings-attached bed mate for the night.

And this guy's behavior was sending all kinds of messages that he viewed it as a one-nighter and possibly had a reason for getting you out of there quickly.

What can I do to prevent something like this from happening in the future or is this normal and I should just get used to it? I’m looking for something a little longer lasting than a one night stand and

It's all a learning process- learning about the gay scene and about yourself.

What can you do? Assume that everyone is looking for what they want, not what you want. If you don't want a one-night stand, then say up front that you're not looking for a one-night stand. Don't have sex with someone on the first night if you're looking for something more permanent. If they're interested, you'll hear from them later; if they were just looking for a fuck, you won't.

The big thing is that you need to be clear with yourself on what you're looking for. One you're clear, it's a lot easier to put things on your terms instead of letting the other person control what happens.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I agree with the other posters...You should determine before you go out to a bar that you will not go home with someone. That way you can better navigate who is interested in more than just sex. I know this can be really hard in your 20's (I'm 25 myself and def always horny) but it takes a little bit of will power to not let your want/need for sex/physical connection be the ultimate dictator of who you sleep with, or pursue anything with. I am sure if you examine your night in hindsight, you will find at least 1 clear indicator that he was just interested in sex. You have to make note of those one or two things and start to notice them next time you are out at a bar.

Another thing I have begun to do is jackoff at some point that day before going out. This allows you to have more of a clear mind when out at a bar, and your own sexual desires have been "tamed" a little so that you don't end up making bad decisions.

In regard to your question about what bars are used for, I think it can be more friendship/longer lasting stuff from the bar scene, but it depends on the bar. If you are in a hot sweaty club on saturday night where the music is turned way up and everyone is shirtless and rollin, may not be the best place to make friends or find dating material. On the other hand, if you are at a casual day party on a bar patio from ~2 PM-8 PM on saturday where the music is for background and people are relaxing and having conversations, you may have better luck at making friends or finding potential dates. See where I am going with this?

In the end however, if you present yourself in a way that says you are DTF, you will attract guys who are looking for just sex, whether on an Ap or in real life.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi XplicitBoy,

The behaviour of that guy was rude and impolite and I feel very sorry that you had such a bad experience. I feel very sorry that this happened to you. I assume you told him that you were quite unexperienced / rather new to the gay world / visting a gay bar (etc.).

Others over here have told you that there are more guys with such a rude and impolite behaviour when visiting a gay bar. I really hope that you will soon find a nice gay guy with whom you can develop a nice and uncomplicated friendship.

Best wishes & take care.

 

[eastofeden]

The bar will offer you the chance to meet all kinds of men...and a lot of them have on masks so you have to use your instincts and gut. Sometimes the seemingly nicest guys are the worst ones...and the quiet shy introverts that seem mean and standoffish are the salt of the earth....

One tip....never get into the habit of telling guys what it is you don't like about other men or what bad thing happened to you as will be giving the real player a handbook on what mask to wear and how to go about getting you in bed...I saw it happen over and over and over....

I worked in a gay bar for 20 years and I promise you...I know what I am talking about.

I know a lot of long time couples who met in a bar....there are no absolutes. If you go regularly...you will probably make friends and they can be the gateway as they have friends who have friends and you can meet a lot of men that way....a lot of those friends of friends never go to clubs....

 

[thenewkcm]

In my experience, I've learned that bars can be good or bad, it depends on your attitude. When I first went to bars, I went with good friends of mine that I felt comfortable with. I was introduced to their friends and I just had a very open mind and enjoyed social interactions. It's not the place for emotions and confrontations, yet many people feel the need to get in their feelings while in public.

 

[LutheranGuy]

and was hoping that the bar scene would be more supportive of my quest than gay apps.

Because long term contact is important to you, establish boundaries.
Never assume anything with anyone.
Be hesitant, verify, and then consider establishing trust.
Vet people's intentions by screening social media, and friends of friends.
Stretch interest out to days or weeks to see if pursuit is persistent.
Always expect that anyone you ever meet in the first 60 days can suddenly be gone and for no apparent reason.

 

[youngnihilist]

Just shows that a lot of 50 year olds, especially the ones that hang out at bars, are no more mature than the 20 somethings. But like others said, you can find anything and everything at bars... some great, some awful. It all depends.