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advise...what would you do?
- Thread starter bryan2710
- Start date
Just because other "married dudes" do it, it doesn't make it right...I would reply to them the same I replied to you. And I don't see what parading down Main Street has anything to do with infidelity...
Of course in the end you're going to do what you think is best, just don't delude yourself that what you're doing is OK because you're bisexual, or something in these lines.
No one said being in a relationship is easy...If you think that being with one person always is a bit hard for you, you should consider an open relationship, but that would mean that your partner is also in on the deal!
I'm sorry if I seem too harsh, but sometimes I believe that we tend to get a clouded judgement when it comes to such basic needs as sex. I really feel for you. Having feelings for your friend must be tough, especially when your life has taken its path, what with you being married and everything. I hope that you make a sensible decision and most importantly a decision that will not harm your life, your friend's life, and both your wives!
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There is no difference.
Cheating is cheating isn't it?
As you say, many guys do it. Doesn't make it healthy or right. Using Tiger Woods as a role model would seem to indicate that your own moral compass is having a hard time finding due north.
But you're the one who has to live with the consequences of your own actions, not any of us. I guess your wives will also have to deal with it at some point, but, whatever. Oh. And your kids, if you have them. But why would any of us care about them if you don't. Oh. And the rest of your families when the shit hits the fan and your wife goes at you with a golf club. But they'll still respect you, won't they? Just like the people at work when your bimm lifestyle and crash and burn marriage becomes water cooler talk. But they'll still all treat you the same won't they?
As long as you can compartmentalize your life to suit you, then you won't have to be like all 'us' guys that feel we have to come out and march down Main Street.
Good luck with all that. Glad to hear you're going to follow my suggestion with your bud and try to nail him the next time you're playing cards. Glad we could help.
Elwood
Under Construction
I am sorry I am a gay guy, I wasn't forced into marriage, but I just didn't realize I was gay. And after 12 years and two kids I finally realized I was not happy and realized why, and I did something about it. Do you think it was easy to come out at 38 after being married and having kids? Like others have said cheating is cheating no matter what pretty coating you want to wrap around it.
Some of us have no need, want, or desire to come out! I feel most people are bi to some regard anyway.
The ramifications from coming out can be a lot worse than just keeping your personal life, just that.....personal.
You do not see str8 people outing their str8ness,
WTF, imo what ever your happy with is good.
Elwood
Under Construction
Oh I am not saying you should come out. I did and it worked for me and I am much happier now. What I am saying is keep it in your pants, it just really bugs me when I hear guys saying things like " It is not cheating because it is with another guy and she can't offer me that". Straight people do not have to out their straightness it is all ready assumed that they are straight. Also what would they ramifications be of you getting caught with your buddies dick in your mouth??
I must be missing something.......
No one i know comes out and says, "hey guess what? Im str8"!, or maybe just a little bi!
It is what it is, what happens happens, but anyway bottom line,
thanks for all the input! its great to hear different opinions from like thinking dudes, even if some of us have different feelings on the subject.
peace
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Please be advised that I'm not exactly Sober at the moment ...
There seems to be some confusion over what constitutes "Cheating", and all the ramifications of being "found out", the danger of possibly hurting Loved Ones, and, yet, denying ourselves of living the Life that we Wish/were born to possibly experience.
Each of us have our own, unique, Lives to live. And, how we interact with others does have an effect on how we comport ourselves. Some of it demands we forgo our own interests in consideration of others. But, is that the "healthiest" thing to do, for ourselves, or them?? If we don't feel we can be completely True to ourselves, because of what others "might" think/feel, is that not basically denying our own Nature? And, would that not make us "less" than we're meant to be? Is that not withholding ourselves from those we love? Is that not, in it's own way, "Cheating"??
I'm not just talking about "holding back" from spouses/significant others, but also from our friends. Not letting EVERYONE involved know how we're Truly feeling is "Cheating" on all of them, including ourselves!
But, "Discretion is the better part of Valor." also carries some merit. We do have a Responsibility to not intentionally hurt those that we care for. Sometimes it IS better to shield those from certain "things" that we Know might cause them "undue concern".
LIFE is far too short to not realize ALL potentials to their full possibilities. But, that also requires attention to certain compromises in order to maintain a "Delicate Balance".
Throughout our Lives we will be constantly confronted with, seemingly, contradictory situations. And, yet, it is quite possible to realize, not deny, opportunities, of all kinds, while doing so in considerate/compassionate ways. It is important to ourselves, and those in our Lives, to "FIRST, Be True to Yourself!" Follow Your Heart!
We face different Obligations in various, contiguous, Relationships. We need to be True to ourselves, our friends, AND our families. Therein comes the question of Balance!
You should be completely Open, and Honest, with your Friend, but also keep an eye on the best interests of your respective families. After all, that is Important to BOTH of You, too, as it should be!
What might transpire between the two of you is on a different "level" than what your respective families need to "know" about. Just as what you might share with each other, about the intimate details of your relationship with your spouses, may not be appropriate to reveal without limits. It's a question of that "Balance Thing".
Be Honest, and Open, with your Friend within the bounds of That relationship. And, be Open, and Honest, with your Family within the bounds of That relationship, too!
Sorry for my rambling ... but, does all that make some sense?
Of course ... no matter what ... Best Wishes, on all fronts ... and, Yeah! ...
Keep smilin'!!
Chaz
There seems to be some confusion over what constitutes "Cheating", and all the ramifications of being "found out", the danger of possibly hurting Loved Ones, and, yet, denying ourselves of living the Life that we Wish/were born to possibly experience.
Each of us have our own, unique, Lives to live. And, how we interact with others does have an effect on how we comport ourselves. Some of it demands we forgo our own interests in consideration of others. But, is that the "healthiest" thing to do, for ourselves, or them?? If we don't feel we can be completely True to ourselves, because of what others "might" think/feel, is that not basically denying our own Nature? And, would that not make us "less" than we're meant to be? Is that not withholding ourselves from those we love? Is that not, in it's own way, "Cheating"??
I'm not just talking about "holding back" from spouses/significant others, but also from our friends. Not letting EVERYONE involved know how we're Truly feeling is "Cheating" on all of them, including ourselves!
But, "Discretion is the better part of Valor." also carries some merit. We do have a Responsibility to not intentionally hurt those that we care for. Sometimes it IS better to shield those from certain "things" that we Know might cause them "undue concern".
LIFE is far too short to not realize ALL potentials to their full possibilities. But, that also requires attention to certain compromises in order to maintain a "Delicate Balance".
Throughout our Lives we will be constantly confronted with, seemingly, contradictory situations. And, yet, it is quite possible to realize, not deny, opportunities, of all kinds, while doing so in considerate/compassionate ways. It is important to ourselves, and those in our Lives, to "FIRST, Be True to Yourself!" Follow Your Heart!
We face different Obligations in various, contiguous, Relationships. We need to be True to ourselves, our friends, AND our families. Therein comes the question of Balance!
You should be completely Open, and Honest, with your Friend, but also keep an eye on the best interests of your respective families. After all, that is Important to BOTH of You, too, as it should be!
What might transpire between the two of you is on a different "level" than what your respective families need to "know" about. Just as what you might share with each other, about the intimate details of your relationship with your spouses, may not be appropriate to reveal without limits. It's a question of that "Balance Thing".
Be Honest, and Open, with your Friend within the bounds of That relationship. And, be Open, and Honest, with your Family within the bounds of That relationship, too!
Sorry for my rambling ... but, does all that make some sense?
Of course ... no matter what ... Best Wishes, on all fronts ... and, Yeah! ...
Keep smilin'!!
Chaz
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Well ... not exactly. It's far more complicated than that.
Family definitely comes first and foremost. Neither of the two friends should do anything that would cause damage to their relationships with their spouses and kids. Period.
However, they also have a relationship between themselves that is "outside"/beyond their immediate families. And, that friendship even has more History behind it. That is also something to protect and cherish.
That said, is it possible to stay True to both, sometimes maybe conflicting, interests? I'm thinking Yes. But, it's going to require a lot of consideration, and balance of compartmentalization. It is not necessary for Everyone to know Everything.
Example: We don't bring all we do at work home with us, just as we don't take everything at home to work. We constantly segregate aspects of our lives from other concerns. That is Discretion/Balance.
I trust you're all catching my drift here ...
Keep smilin'!!
Chaz
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^ Except the only person being deceived in this case would be the wife.
And here's the thing. It is just like.....
"So I had this girlfriend when I was in school.
So we fucked like crazy but split up before our final year and went our separate ways....but remained the best of friends.
So she moved back to the city recently and now works in for our firm but not in my division. My wife knows her well and we often socialize with this woman and her husband too.
Our spouses have no problem with us having lunch together or going to special events and conferences without them.
I'd really like to fuck her again like the old days and I think she feels the same. We sometimes play cards for small bets and I'm thinking of suggesting that the loser has to go down on the winner like we used to when we were kids.
Do you think my wife and her husband should mind?
I mean, we can compartmentalize this. It isn't as though it should affect our relationships with our spouses, should it?"
And here's the thing. It is just like.....
"So I had this girlfriend when I was in school.
So we fucked like crazy but split up before our final year and went our separate ways....but remained the best of friends.
So she moved back to the city recently and now works in for our firm but not in my division. My wife knows her well and we often socialize with this woman and her husband too.
Our spouses have no problem with us having lunch together or going to special events and conferences without them.
I'd really like to fuck her again like the old days and I think she feels the same. We sometimes play cards for small bets and I'm thinking of suggesting that the loser has to go down on the winner like we used to when we were kids.
Do you think my wife and her husband should mind?
I mean, we can compartmentalize this. It isn't as though it should affect our relationships with our spouses, should it?"
Shawn1
Sex God
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Yes ... though that is a slightly different "spin", it's exactly the same question. And, likely something that happens much more often than any of us might suspect.
However ... and this is going to get me into trouble ... Guys have a stronger rep of being able to keep "secrets", view "sexy stuff" as merely "sport", and being able to segregate (even "turn off") our emotions. It doesn't have to MEAN anything.
Keep smilin'!!
Chaz