Afraid of hooking up

[btgk86]

I recently got out of a serious relationship and that guy was the only guy I have ever been with. I never hooked up with anyone before or since then - not because I didn't want to but I was afraid of it in a sense. Before I met my now ex, I was still in the closet and really shy and socially awkward, so that's why I never really got out of my bubble and became comfortable with my sexuality. After dating him, I've mostly come out and am a lot more comfortable.

Since becoming single, I feel like I should be exploring all those single-life experiences I missed out on while in a relationship, like meeting guys and hooking up and all that stuff, but when it comes down to it, I can't get myself to actually meet guys. I downloaded Grindr and chat with people online, and tease the idea of meeting, but I'm scared to actually go through with it. Part of it is fear that I'm inexperienced (I've only been with one guy ever) and don't want to embarrass myself, another part is feeling like I would "taint" myself if I started hooking up and I wouldn't be a pure and good person anymore. Maybe I'm just scared because I can be socially awkward sometimes, and then getting some kind of disease is also a concern. It's silly because it's not like I don't want to hook up and I think it's wrong to do so, I do want to... I see hot guys and want to do naughty things with them, I just can't bring myself to do it.

Does anyone have any advice on how to overcome this? Maybe the first time is just the big hurdle to cross, and after that I'll get more comfortable with it.

A guy I've been chatting with online is gonna be in town in a few weeks, and I'd like to meet up, I'm just worried for some reason. :/

 

[SeaCore]

What do you imagine is the worst case scenario?

 

[eastofeden]

Part of it is fear that I'm inexperienced (I've only been with one guy ever) and don't want to embarrass myself, another part is feeling like I would "taint" myself if I started hooking up and I wouldn't be a pure and good person anymore. Maybe I'm just scared because I can be socially awkward sometimes, and then getting some kind of disease is also a concern.

I think you have doen an excellent job of explaing the reasons you are worried.

Some of the reasons aren't attractive (the pure and good person and taint thing for one)....

Some are extremely relevant (disease)

...and some are just plain old neurotic and toxic thinking....you can always find fear in anything ...and most of it is base on our own individual insecurities...normal stuff....

Does anyone have any advice on how to overcome this? :/

Yes

I present your own answers as the advice you need.

Explore them more..get to know yourself a little better. I would start with the pure and good person thing if I were in your shoes...I think that is the most harmful....but that is just me. Start wherever you like....the more you get to understand yourself..the more comfortable you will be....

...in or out of bed...with or without a hookup....win/win

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Maybe online dating is not for you...and maybe sleeping around is not for you... better you find that out now than in twenty years.

You could try a sex club or cruise bar instead. Just as superficial, but guys are forced to be more polite there.

 

[KaraBulut]

I recently got out of a serious relationship and that guy was the only guy I have ever been with. I never hooked up with anyone before or since then - not because I didn't want to but I was afraid of it in a sense. Before I met my now ex, I was still in the closet and really shy and socially awkward, so that's why I never really got out of my bubble and became comfortable with my sexuality. After dating him, I've mostly come out and am a lot more comfortable.

Since becoming single, I feel like I should be exploring all those single-life experiences I missed out on while in a relationship, like meeting guys and hooking up and all that stuff, but when it comes down to it, I can't get myself to actually meet guys.

There's really two things going on here and they are connected to each other (and to your prospects of finding a new boyfriend):

1. You have a social phobia/feeling of social awkwardness
2. You have less sexual experience than you would like and you feel this lack of experience is a barrier to further experimentation

First of all... let's dispel a couple of misconceptions.

1. You don't have to have multiple partners in order to experiment. One good fuckbuddy who you're sexually comfortable with is a much better outlet for experimenting and pushing your boundaries. Strangers are usually interested in their own needs, not yours.
2. Lots of sex is not the same thing as good sex. There are plenty of people who will tell you that most of their hookups were barely in the category of mediocre sex.

You live near a major urban area that has lots of social outlets for gay men. You might start by getting out there, getting involved, meeting guys (for friends and perhaps more) and getting more comfortable in social situations. This will also give you an opportunity to make some new friends which is also a great way to meet more guys.

The area where you live has a PnP/meth culture, so be aware that if a guy is approaching you aggressively on Grindr, it's probably for a hookup. And also be aware that there are other apps besides Grindr where the focus is less on how guys look and less on NSA hookups. You need to decide what you want and don't settle for less.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi btgk86,

I would like to advise you to be honest to anyone who you meet online (through for example Grindr) and thus tell them soon some key items about your current situation ( = open and out, recently single after a long-term (?) relationship with another guy, no other experiences with guys, shy, etc.). I also tend to advise you to try and meet online / in the real world other gay guys for just mere friendship (etc.).

 

[TX-Beau]

I have to agree that if you are that awkward, exploring your gayness through hookups isn't going to help you. I'll give you the same advice I got when I was in your situation. Get out of your house.

I don't mean go find a bunch of guys to fuck. Go do other things, look for a support system, other gays who you can be friends with and talk to, the hookups will happen along the way.

So, places to look for gay men. One of the best places to start is to take some free time and go find a gay group to volunteer with. No one is there to fuck, and people who deliver meals and provide support have already self selected out the worst among us.

There's always a need for people willing to help. Barring that, if your city is anything like Austin, there are a bunch of gay groups that do different things, get on the net and find one you're interested in. Book clubs, Chorus, hiking, we even have gay gamers, do some research and find out what you have in your area. Gay political orgs are out there if that interests you, and I highly recommend getting politically active in this age of the Orange Horror.

Thing is you won't find yourself in a bunch of random partners - though that can be a ton of fun, you need a support network, after all, to whom are you going to talk to about that random hot guy you bagged?

Building a gay life is about more than sex, and if you put yourself out there as a gay man being a gay man, you'll find the opportunities for finding a guy exponentiate. The more friends you have, the more guys you get to know, plus that will alleviate some of your fears because the guys you meet won't generally be complete unknowns.

Also, there is no moral dimension to sex. There is only a moral dimension to how we treat people. If you want to bang the whole town - play safe - and knock yourself out, but don't fuck someone OVER.

 

[offthewall14420]

Some people just don't like the whole socialization thing and would prefer nature time or a great movie.... rather than the shelter, bars, church, gym, or clubs.

Morality depends a lot on intent. You can be wildly wrong about how or why people react about things the way we do. Acting irrationally is what makes us human.

 

[mcbrion]

I went to your profile, and you're "not out to anyone?" That is the first place to start. Period. Secrets are what make people sick, and this is a VERY big secret. Clearly, at least one person knows: the guy you went out with. Was your not being out a reason for the breakup? Sometimes it is, sometimes not.
But you're living in fear, and fear is a terrible disease to live with. It kills "Joy". You will need help with this one. This isn't just about meeting people: the fear you express sounds like you've had it most of your life (and I hope you're young, so you have time to work through it). Before even thinking about "meeting guys," I'd learn to be at peace with myself first.

 

[Seasoned]

Not all fear is bad as there are degrees of it. Immobilization, on the other hand, is a highly negative trait which causes all sorts of problems and issues. Right now I don’t think your goal ought to be to illuminate fear, but, rather, “to feel the fear and do it anyway.” If you do that you’re likely to boost your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Look for guys that appear safe. Don’t wait forever to meet them. Be as honest as possible. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

To echo someone else here. You control your body and what you do with it. You don’t need anyone’s permission to be sexual. Have as much or as little age appropriate consensual sex as you are comfortable with. You’re entitled to a satisfying sex life.

Best wishes.

 

[mcbrion]

Pardon my mistake, I overlooked that you have since come out. Please ignore my earlier post. Seasoned's advice is completely valid.