After One Year of Living in NYC- Still No BF...

[erobert]

This is a bit of an embarrassing post to make but after living in NYC for over a year now I still don't have a BF. Granted I've been on dates but haven't managed to get many second dates. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but at this point I know I'm doing something wrong.

I follow up with texts the next day or a couple of hours telling the guy's I like (or when I thought the date went well) saying I had a good time and would like to see them again sometime. No response from many. Some will say something like, "Me too. Can't wait to see you again also." Then after that- I never hear or see them again. No response to follow up texts to see them or anything. Like they dropped off the face of the earth. I'm one of the nice guys in the dating pool and I thought I did everything right but guess not...

Heck, I haven't even managed to make any new friends here yet besides one from work who is more of an acquaintance. Granted I'm a bit on the shy side but still... starting to get sick of having lonely weekends. Going to bars alone really intimidates me and I'm not sure that's the best place to find friends or even a BF. Went to the gym for a couple weeks; most people there are there to workout- not make new friends or a BF.

I've been meeting all of my dates from online dating sites for those wondering, which may have something to do with it and I probably haven't been the most proactive at trying offline methods also. I'm not sure though, I watched a great looking guy who probably made quite a bit of money get stood up in a cafe I was in today. If guy's like that are getting stood up- the rest of us are in trouble.

Sorry for the long rant but I'm getting very worried about my social/ dating life. I realize I'm the only one who can change it but advice, suggestions or support is appreciated of course.

 

[fallinlove]

The problem with LGBT centers (in many cities around the world) is that the people who go to the meetings there are kind of "weird". I know that's an awful thing to say and it unfairly generalizes the people who go there. But I know many people who look for friends at gay centers and come out very dissapointed.

The problem is that there are not enough bars that cater specifically to singles (like having a singles night where the focus is helping people find friends or lovers). There should also be other events that take people out of grindr and dating websites and make them meet each other in different settings

 

[bw92116]

My $0.02 would be:

1) Don't let your personal happiness depend on whether you have a boyfriend or not. Yes, it's really nice to have someone, but your basic level of happiness should be based on yourself and your life independent of any boyfriend. I know that's hard to achieve but that's the only stable happiness you will ever find in life.

2) Men are horrible at relationships. Men seem to be hard-wired to "get what they want" doing whatever is required to get it, then once they get it, that's the end. You'll probably find that most men do not have the social skills you have. Any of these guys who won't respond to your message after a date doesn't deserve another date anyway.

3) We all want to have a warm, loving, close relationship that could be defined as a "boyfriend" but there are also other ways to get the same benefits, the same needs met, through other types of relationships. I would discard the expectations or desire to find a "one and only" person who can meet all of your needs. He probably doesn't exist. Cast a wide social net and have a variety of relationships and you may find your needs being met or satisfied from more than one.

4) A real love relationship takes a long time to develop, and you can't just go out and "shop" for one like you would shop for a new sofa. The guys exist, but the relationship doesn't exist at first, it takes a long time of nurturing and growing. The "in love" feeling doesn't last long, and "boyfriend" relationships often don't last too long either.

5) As far as making new friends, I think most male friendships are based on a common interest or common activity, while most female friendships are more communication based. How many times have you heard someone say, "my golfing buddy" or "a fishing buddy of mine" or whatever. Men form friendships based on something they both like doing. It can progress from there, but that's usually how they start, by doing something together that they both like doing anyway. So that is a good way to make new friends. Go to where you would do what you like doing and be friendly with other people who like doing the same thing.

 

[RaKroma]

Your first and major problem is that your dates were from online sites. I don't care what love stories people will tell you that they found online, but gay online sites are horrible way to find a bf and rarely a way to make friends. They're not on there to find relationships. Guys that are on these sites only look for convenient sex. I can see how those experiences made you believe that there is something wrong with you.
I have additional bad news; I know gay guys in their 20s and 30s who have lived in the city all their lives and not once had anything resembling a BF relationship with a guy. Just because you live in NYC or are involved in the gay scene, doesn't mean a BF is waiting for you on a corner. Don't be sad that just because you lived here a year, you expect to have found a BF by now. It's not that simple.

As for finding friends, some already gave you tips about exploring gay support groups or joining some hobby groups. Try to fight your shyness and do go out to the bars; some are better than others for singles. There is that issue where it's harder for guys being alone in clubs/bars where everyone seems like they're hanging out with their posse of friends. But for me it's still a better way to socialize with guys than finding them online.

 

[erobert]

Thanks for the advice and support.

lucky7, I actually attempted to go to their last meetup on Friday but missed it due to not being able to get out of work early. They had headed off to some other venue by the time I got there. I was looking forward to that because you can see who is going to attend (one thing I like about meetup.com) and there seemed to be a few like minded guys who went. Was a bit disappointed to say the least, there's always other opportunities.

Though, I will agree I have been relying on online methods a bit too much to meet people here and for dates. The nature and types of guys on these sites is part of the problem. Not to generalize but I've noticed a lot of the guys I met online were lacking social skills. Not all of them but a fair amount. That could be part of the reason there's no follow up after meeting them.

The interesting thing is there are tons of young people moving to New York everyday who don't know anyone and are looking to make new friends. I'll bet even a few of the gay newcomers are seeking a BF also. The challenge now is finding them.

 

[hylas]

1 year seems like a very short time. finding love is hard.

 

[BensonhurstBri]

Erobert, Im not single but Im in NY looking for new friends, maybe we can meet up one night and chill

 

[hotatlboi]

1 year is nothing. I've been out for about 4 years now and I just found the first guy where there was mutual interest in dating.

 

[palemale]

Are you athletic? NYC is full of gay sports leagues. It's full of sports leagues in general. Softball, basketball, volleyball. You might want to try that.

 

[bw92116]

I also think that the online sites are not necessarily only about finding quick, convenient sex. Many of the guys on those sites are looking for relationships. The real way to tell what a guy is looking for is just to chat with him for a long time on that site only, like 2 or 3 months of just exchanging messages. The ones who are only looking for a quick hookup and nothing more won't be that patient. The ones who are looking for a relationship will be willing to just chat back and forth for a long time. That's how you can tell what their real intentions are. So I wouldn't discount the online sites categorically. Just "screen" the guys by engaging them in conversations, for a long period before agreeing to meet in person with them. The ones who are "for real" will converse with you indefinitely.

 

[erobert]

Thanks to all for the advice and support. I should look into gay sports leagues around the city also.

unless you're talking about sites that are specifically dedicated towards hooking up (eg: manhunt, grindr), I don't think that's entirely fair. I've had tons of great dates via online dating in the NYC area.

personally, I just think it's a problem with city guys in general. in a lot of cases, I think having such a large access to an ever-changing pool of guys leads to impossibly high standards.

I was also going to comment on that also but wanted to see if I was being a hopeless romantic or not. There are great guys online and off. It's not entirely fair either to say all gay men are doomed to be single just because they live in NYC and everyone want's to hookup. There are relationship minded gay men in NYC who are out there; I've met a few already from online dating sites. I guess we weren't as much of a match as I thought though... Frustrating but the only thing to do is to move on to the next person and improve my game if needed.

 

[Aratron]

The problem with LGBT centers (in many cities around the world) is that the people who go to the meetings there are kind of "weird". I know that's an awful thing to say and it unfairly generalizes the people who go there. But I know many people who look for friends at gay centers and come out very dissapointed.

The problem is that there are not enough bars that cater specifically to singles (like having a singles night where the focus is helping people find friends or lovers). There should also be other events that take people out of grindr and dating websites and make them meet each other in different settings

I'm in 2 groups in the center and I don't see many weird people. I have met some friends through them

 

[Stoopid]

"Weird" people?

 

[chance1]

Gay bowling league - in the Times Square area - friend joined last season - said it was great

My 2 cents is I'm hearing a lot of despair in your posts - anxiousness

when you're on your first dates, is it possible some of that slips out?

I just wonder if you're sending out that kind of vibe unintentionally

Online reach outs are cool - in person are better

Happy hours - try em - cheaper drinks thus less out of pocket - try The Ritz

on facebook there's a gay night life group nyc

check it

good luck