Age differences and control issues

[Adam2299]

This might sound really one-sided at first, but that's why I want to know what you guys think. I'm trying to be open-minded....

My friend Kelly is my age (21) and she's been dating a man who is 37 for the past year and I've never seen her so miserable. She complains constantly that she doesn't feel "good enough" for him, yet she continues to stay with him because she supposedly cares about him and admires him for being so mature, unlike all the frat boys she's gone out with before. I guess he's nice to her, but you can tell he's a pretty arrogant person in general and totally loves the fact that he's dating a hot college girl.... maybe that's sort of bias on my part, but I'm a pretty good judge of character.... he's sort of a dick to her in general.

Second case: I have a gay friend who is dating another guy who is way older than him (almost 30 years!), and they're having the same issues, even though the older man is very nice. The older man is upset because my friend likes to party on the weekends and he doesn't. The older guy doesn't like it when my friend gets home late and thinks he's "up to no good" (that's a direct quote). This older guy is totally different than Kelly's guy; he's very sweet and kind to my friend... yet both older men are still very controlling in their own ways.

Now for my situation... I recently dated a guy who was a lot older than me, and he totally tried to control my every move. I never figured out if it was simple jealousy or his own insecurity that caused him to constantly bother me all the time about what I'm doing/where I'm going, but it was really miserable.... (we're broken up now).

Anyway....

I know there ARE relationships out there with huge age differences that DO work, so don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say. I know it's possible for couples with age differences to live very happy lives, so don't think I'm making general assumptions (please!). I don't need examples of happy couples who are 50 years apart, I'm SURE they exist...

What I AM wondering is... is this a very common theme in relationships where one person is maybe in their early 20s and the other one is significantly older?? With all my friends' experiences and my personal experience combined, I can't help but become bitter towards older generations (men mostly) and how controlling they can be. Is it more of a fatherly instinct type thing (for SOME men not ALL of them) or is it something else??

Again, I'm honestly just interested in opinions/experiences. I'm not making any assumptions, I'm only sharing my own personal observations. Thanks in advance.

 

[M4P]

I know these relationships exist and I'm quite certain they can work

Having said that I am concerned when one party is controlling and the other is miserable. I wonder sometimes if it is a self confidence thing? I mean why would someone stay in a relationship with someone is making them unhappy and treats them badly? Are they convinced they can't do better?

 

[BrandonSBCA]

Age differences do exist, and the control issues can be a problem usually in older men because they know that the younger person in the relationship will have some kind of wild side to them.

I think in your first case, your friend kind of feels that if she leaves him that she'll be alone and not find anyone like him. Your second case I'm not quite sure, I just think that the older person in the relationship thinks that with all that partying the guy might not feel he's serious about the relationship.

When older men want to settle down they want to settle down with someone that will be with him and not out else where. (Don't quote me on that because I'm just basing it off from what I hear from older men)

 

[ahotjock71]

MMMMMMM smacks of ageism, yes.....

Controlling men come in all ages. Anyone in a realtionship where someone tries to control them should think seriously about changing their situation.

I use to be kind of controlling, but I came to realize that people are going to do whatever they want, wether you like it or not.

One key to a successful relationship is finding someone who practices this phrase:

"Do the right thing because it's the right thing to do."

That's how you build trust.

 

[Danugh]

It will never work.


I once dated a guy in his 40's and he was a control freak. He used his money to control me and it took him on a power trip. It started out all so romantic like something out of a fairytale.

Then when i started to go out with friends my age it became a problem and he took back my credit cards, check book and stopped paying my bills.

Then we would make up and he would give me back the credit cards and then we would have another fight and then he would take them back.

When the relationship just started he took me shopping and bought me clothes, underwear and shoes and other material things. Then 2 days after he bought me all those things we had a huge fight, and would you believe he asked me back for the things he bought? the nerve, he almost threatened me and i was so young i was kinda scared. Looking back now he couldn't really do anything to me.

We were together for almost 4 years on and off.

There were times i wish i had told his wife everything to get him back for all the pain and suffering he caused me but i did not tell his wife and now he is living happily ever after like we never even happened; while i am here still trying to pick up the pieces.

Come to think of it i should have taken him to court and sue him for some kind of alimony so i could continue living the life he made me grow accustomed to.

 

[ahotjock71]

OK newboy, & for others who will read this:

How about when young guys use their youth to get what they want from older men? Is that not a form of control? "If you want to sleep with this young hot stud you better let me do what I want." I've seen that more than I have the other.

And why is it controlling to expect one's partner to behave & act responsibly in a relationship?

 

[Adam2299]

OK newboy, & for others who will read this:

How about when young guys use their youth to get what they want from older men? Is that not a form of control? "If you want to sleep with this young hot stud you better let me do what I want." I've seen that more than I have the other.

And why is it controlling to expect one's partner to behave & act responsibly in a relationship?

You're right, that is a form of control. But that's not what I'm talking about. Neither of my friends are using their "youth" to control their partners whatsoever. And yea, it's important to behave and act responsibly in a relationship. Of course it is! But who says going to parties means acting irresponsibly??? That's where I think older generations may steretype and jump to conclusions, which really bothers me. I personally could never not go to parties or social outings or I'd feel like a hermit... that's just me though.

 

[ahotjock71]

Adam, I understand what you're saying. I suppose TRUST issues and control issues go hand in hand. Now, controlling someone just because of the power involved is wrong. But if there are underlying issues, both parties should address them in a setting of just the two.

The older, if he truly want's a HEALTHY relationship with a younger guy/girl, understands the age difference & difference in social interests. The older one should trust & respect the younger enough to let him/her go out with his/her friends without fear of being cheated on or left for a younger man. On the same token, the younger should act in a responsible manner enough to instil that trust in the older man. Vice versa.

I do think alot of younger guys/girls want certain things from older men, like the sex and security, both emotional and financial. But one must realize in the game of love, there is a trade off, or a payment of what is received, to use a crude phrase. To expect to run wild and free while getting what you want is just using the older man, and that is what so many older men fear.

In the end, if both want the relationship, both should put forth equal effort to make it succeed, no matter the differences. If they don't, the relationship is doomed from the beginning.

No relationship is perfect, therefore communication between the parties is essential.

 

[megustamyn]

I’ve always been the older man in every relationship. I’ve had. I don’t think I have consciously set out to find younger men, it just happened. Sometimes I’ve been aware of the age difference from the beginning and other times I thought he was about my age and discovered later that he was quite a bit younger.

My experience has been that age has little to do with who is control. It’s more about personalities. In my relationship of 10 years, I’m the boss because my partner is so laid back. I often wish he were more proactive and sometimes resent that I have to make most decisions like major purchases, home repairs, vacations, etc.

Sometimes money is the deciding factor, the one who has more also has more control. Sometimes it has to do with how people feel about each other. I was once in a situation where I let the other guy have control for fear of losing him. But I also know cases where someone is controlling for the same reason: fear of losing him.

It is the case that people in different age groups are at different stages of life and so the things that interest one or not of interest to the other, or one person may find the other one’s friends uninteresting or even objectionable.

This week we had dinner at the home of friends who are 70 and 44 and have been together 25 years. Surprisingly, they share the same passion for music, cycling and skiing. When I first met them I thought the older guy was always in charge. Now that I’ve known them for 8 years, I understand that the younger guy doesn’t let anyone control him. He’s just subtler about getting his way.

I think age is only a factor if you let it be. If you think you’re partner is too controlling you should discuss it and resolve it. If it can’t be resolved than you probably should not be together.

 

[bluedragon4]

I am 8 years older than my bf but he really had to convince me that we would work. 8 years isn't that big and we don't have any age problems but it bothered me in the beginning. Infact if I were his age it would never have worked. I'm not so hyper like I was and as emotional.I also loved many men and couldn't settle down. But if we broke up I would never ever date a guy in his 20's.I really think 10 years is even to much of a difference. But a 21 year old girl and a 37 year old man is just odd to me. sounds like sex and money.

 

[slobone]

I guess if I was in an older-younger relationship, I'd be more likely to be on the older side, so here's my take on it.

When you've been around for a while, and hopefully learned a few things, it can sometimes drive you crazy to see a young guy making a lot of mistakes. The urge to intervene and tell him what to do can be almost irresistible.

Every relationship is different. Some younger guys are looking for a father figure, so being told what to do is exactly what they want. Others are attracted to older men for purely sexual reasons (we are kind of hot) but want to be treated like an equal in the relationship.

So yes, there can be specific problems that relate to the age issue. But there are problems in every relationship, and the rules are pretty much the same: Think twice before you criticize the other person. Go the extra mile to make sure he's happy. When there's an issue that you just can't keep silent about, communicate in a constructive way. Above all, respect his individuality, and don't start thinking "Well what else would you expect from somebody who's [his age]".

 

[Chalchalero]

This might sound really one-sided at first, but that's why I want to know what you guys think. I'm trying to be open-minded....

My friend Kelly is my age (21) and she's been dating a man who is 37 for the past year and I've never seen her so miserable. She complains constantly that she doesn't feel "good enough" for him, yet she continues to stay with him because she supposedly cares about him and admires him for being so mature, unlike all the frat boys she's gone out with before. I guess he's nice to her, but you can tell he's a pretty arrogant person in general and totally loves the fact that he's dating a hot college girl.... maybe that's sort of bias on my part, but I'm a pretty good judge of character.... he's sort of a dick to her in general.

Second case: I have a gay friend who is dating another guy who is way older than him (almost 30 years!), and they're having the same issues, even though the older man is very nice. The older man is upset because my friend likes to party on the weekends and he doesn't. The older guy doesn't like it when my friend gets home late and thinks he's "up to no good" (that's a direct quote). This older guy is totally different than Kelly's guy; he's very sweet and kind to my friend... yet both older men are still very controlling in their own ways.

Now for my situation... I recently dated a guy who was a lot older than me, and he totally tried to control my every move. I never figured out if it was simple jealousy or his own insecurity that caused him to constantly bother me all the time about what I'm doing/where I'm going, but it was really miserable.... (we're broken up now).

Anyway....

I know there ARE relationships out there with huge age differences that DO work, so don't misinterpret what I'm trying to say. I know it's possible for couples with age differences to live very happy lives, so don't think I'm making general assumptions (please!). I don't need examples of happy couples who are 50 years apart, I'm SURE they exist...

What I AM wondering is... is this a very common theme in relationships where one person is maybe in their early 20s and the other one is significantly older?? With all my friends' experiences and my personal experience combined, I can't help but become bitter towards older generations (men mostly) and how controlling they can be. Is it more of a fatherly instinct type thing (for SOME men not ALL of them) or is it something else??

Again, I'm honestly just interested in opinions/experiences. I'm not making any assumptions, I'm only sharing my own personal observations. Thanks in advance.

As a man living with another man 25 years my senior, I believe that I am somewhat qualified to answer this.

First off:

My friend Kelly is my age (21) and she's been dating a man who is 37 for the past year and I've never seen her so miserable. She complains constantly that she doesn't feel "good enough" for him, yet she continues to stay with him because she supposedly cares about him and admires him for being so mature, unlike all the frat boys she's gone out with before. I guess he's nice to her, but you can tell he's a pretty arrogant person in general and totally loves the fact that he's dating a hot college girl.... maybe that's sort of bias on my part, but I'm a pretty good judge of character.... he's sort of a dick to her in general.

This sounds like a matter of your own issues (and perhaps hers, I don't know...) If she is happy in her relationship, then let her be. She is obviously getting something out of it that she feels she needs, so why judge her on it? The guy may be a "dick". Many guys (both young and old) are. But she sees something in him that you don't and is willing to put up with it, so why can't you? You don't have to sleep with him.

Second case: I have a gay friend who is dating another guy who is way older than him (almost 30 years!), and they're having the same issues, even though the older man is very nice. The older man is upset because my friend likes to party on the weekends and he doesn't. The older guy doesn't like it when my friend gets home late and thinks he's "up to no good" (that's a direct quote). This older guy is totally different than Kelly's guy; he's very sweet and kind to my friend... yet both older men are still very controlling in their own ways.

I'm glad at least you approve of this guy.

JEEZ!

Seriously though, you might be right here. This guy may have some insecurity issues. But the fact of the matter is that you need to understand that older guys who are with younger cuter guys are going to get a bit nervous when their boyfriends are running off with their "girlfriends". That's just the way it is.

Like it or not, you young whipper-snappers can be real bitches, and tend not to like when a party buddy is in a relationship, no matter who it is with. Some of you may even think it might be fun to sabotage that relationship somehow. I would think that the older guy is aware of this, having been a young whipper-snapper himself once upon a time.

Now for my situation... I recently dated a guy who was a lot older than me, and he totally tried to control my every move. I never figured out if it was simple jealousy or his own insecurity that caused him to constantly bother me all the time about what I'm doing/where I'm going, but it was really miserable.... (we're broken up now).

I have tended to always date guys alot older than myself. Maybe I have Daddy issues, who knows. But this thread is not about me...

In the beginning, there are always going to be uncertainties. Getting involved in a May-December romance takes a great deal of patience and time on both parts. The older guy is always going to start out with some insecurities until he gets to know you. Hell, he's thinking that you are the hottest thing since his morning bagel and he is damned sure that he is not the only one who knows it, so of COURSE he's going to be scared. He doesn't want to lose you.

I know the cliché is that "if you really love the person then age shouldn't matter", but the fact is that it does matter. You two may have nothing in common. You may think that hanging out in the clubs with 200 of your closest friends is the next best thing to Heaven and he might prefer to go to the Opera.

Is there a "fatherly instinct" as you say? Perhaps so. I think that anyone who loves anther person is going to feel protective towards them. As far as the whole "controlling" issue goes, I think this may sometimes (but not always, I'll admit...) be an issue of your own.

When I first met my current squeeze, I wasn't sure whether it was a relationship that was going to work. So I hedged my bets and continued to place my friends ahead of him. He always questioned what I was doing and with whom and I would always become indignant about it.

The fact was, however, that he must surely have felt that I was not secure in the relationship and felt insecure about it himself as a result. These things take time. The two people in such a relationship have to get to know one another and trust has to formulate naturally. It is not ingrained. If two people truly care about each other, then they will go through the initial madness, work it out, and live happily ever after.

 

[NickCole]

I’ve always been the older man in every relationship. I’ve had.

I always was the younger.

Until everybody older died of AIDS.

Well, it seemed like everybody.

I've had a very hard time adjusting to being the elder. I stumble a lot. Or anyway my skinned knees and the people I seem to have knocked into, and bruised, make it feel that way.

All we can do is our best, and if sometimes we fail well we just have to learn to live with having failed. And get up. And walk on with skinned knees.


But I do miss being the younger one. I was good at that.

 

[Adam2299]

Yea, I understand what you guys are saying... most often "control" issues are a symptom of something else going on and of course you have to look at each relationship on an individual basis. I do realize that.

Blah... I've been stressing about this so much this weekend because the older guy who I dated recently has been calling me off the hook wanting to see me and "work things out." He says he admits he was controlling and jealous and wants to change... but can he??? Is it even worth giving him a second chance?

Blahhhh. fuck relationships.

 

[rareboy]

Oh Adam, control issues are not just restricted to the superannuated. Often, people with more experience and looking to settle down will try to exercise restraint on some young cub who appears to be lacking good judgement or is behaving like a 16 year old....but you'll see it with the 'chicken' the old guys are fucking too.

The staying out with other friends till whenever, the tantrums and the often callous disregard for time and place that we all demonstrate as enfants terrible is just as manipulative and controlling as well.

Why be bitter about the 'old' guys in your life. Leave them alone if you aren't getting what you want or need from them.

I think you are not ready for the type of relationship your aged ex might be looking for. Stop stressing. Don't try to work things out because I don't think they can be. You've got a whole lifetime left. He's got less, but that doesn't mean you can't still be friendly with him without him fucking you, does it?

 

[Adam2299]

Why be bitter about the 'old' guys in your life. Leave them alone if you aren't getting what you want or need from them.

I'm bitter because it's disappointing. I really really liked this older man, probably more than any guy I've ever met in my entire life. He's so sweet and mature and responsible... I'm so attracted to that. But with that "maturity" comes his jealous control issues... it's frustrating, you know?

Plus a lot of guys my age are so boring to me lately... Anyway, I'm so weak right now that I'm seriously thinking about going over to his place tonight, which is probably a HORRIBLE idea. Blah. Someone stop me, seriously.

 

[rareboy]

No, no, no, controlling issues don't come with age. He was probably as manipulative and jealous when he was 5 and 15 and 25 as he is today.

As the Jesuits say, 'Show me the child and I'll show you the man"

 

[NickCole]

I'm bitter because it's disappointing. I really really liked this older man, probably more than any guy I've ever met in my entire life. He's so sweet and mature and responsible... I'm so attracted to that. But with that "maturity" comes his jealous control issues... it's frustrating, you know?

Plus a lot of guys my age are so boring to me lately... Anyway, I'm so weak right now that I'm seriously thinking about going over to his place tonight, which is probably a HORRIBLE idea. Blah. Someone stop me, seriously.

If you liked him that much and he's still on your mind, and you're on his mind, call him. Talk to him.

 

[Adam2299]

No, no, no, controlling issues don't come with age. He was probably as manipulative and jealous when he was 5 and 15 and 25 as he is today.

As the Jesuits say, 'Show me the child and I'll show you the man"

Why does he claim he was a lot more "easy-going" when he was younger then?? I know age doesn't define who you are, but sometimes people do change and grow more conservative as they age. To be fair, sometimes it's the opposite...

But I happen to have seen pictures of this man at my age doing some pretty crazy things. Things he doesn't approve of me doing now. It's called being a hypocrite.

That's why it pisses me off.

 

[NickCole]

Well, call him on it.

You say he's been calling you off the hook, wants to work things out, wants to change, and you wonder if a person can change -- so call him on what you see as his hypocrisy and see what happens.

Being called a hypocrite is a tough thing to hear. His response could give you a good idea about whether he's capable of changing, or at least willing to listen to and show respect for what you have to say.

It's a start. You've mentioned several people here since last summer and, of them all, this man is the one you've said the most admirable things about. Also he's remained very present in your thoughts and that counts for something. I don't know if ultimately he's a positive or negative influence in your life but from what you've posted I'd say it's worth the effort of finding out. High-calibre people we care about who care about us are rare enough to go an extra mile for. Talk to him, Adam.