Hey all, once in a while poster but regular visitor
So the other week a met this guy. we've been talking/texting pretty much non stop since then and i like the conversations i have with him. I'm not sure exactly what's going on yet but there's definitely 'something' there
One thing i am aware of is the age gap. He's 19 and I'm 27. I'm just a little confused and after some advice really. Is this one of those situations that it's only a problem if i make it a problem?
Thank you in advance
As someone in almost exactly your position, I'd like to give you my point of view.
I am 30, my boyfriend is 21. We met when he was 18 and I was 27. My experience with dating someone so much younger than myself in a nutshell: yes, the age difference does bring a set of specific issues with it. These need not be insurmountable (as in our case), but they might just become that if you deny their reality. They need to be acknowledged and dealt with. Just like any other fact of reality.
It's not really the age difference that matters, but the difference in life experience. This is why the exact same age difference tends to be more noticable between, say, a couple of ages 19-27 than one of ages 29-37. As 'Brian Smith' pointed out, the proportional gap narrows as you both age. And this is because life experience accrues so much faster than when you're younger.
Even though the difference in life experience is always relative to some extent (some people are mature for their age - and vice versa), there's no denying that life experience differs factually between people of ages 19 and 27. For one, your brain hasn't even fully developed yet when you're 19! Around the age of 20 people really start to form their own identity for the first time and it's much more of a search than when you're older (even if you do search your whole life). When you're 27 you've had way more time to get used to yourself, know how you react in different situations, and are more familiar with how people react to you. When you're 19, you simply haven't had as much chance and so you're identity has a much bigger question mark behind it.
If you both realize this (and as the older one who´s been through that stage in life, you'll realize it a little better), then you can deal with it. You're both in your own stage of life and can share a huge space that overlaps in between. But you both must also have respect for that part which doesn't overlap. It will overlap more in time, but only with time. And mutual respect. He especially will need relatively more time to get up to speed. Again, this needn't be a problem. But it will invariably be if you treat him as if he was already up to speed.
It's not an easy balance to strike. What can you expect from a partner in general, and what not? And now specifically, can you expect the same things from someone who is so much younger? You'll have to think it through, be mindful of the gap in life experience and talk to him openly about it if you think it's giving either one of you trouble. But whatever you do, for God's sake: be honest - to him and to yourself. He must know where you stand, even though he may not yet stand there quite yet himself. For example, you might more easily talk about being long-term boyfriends whereas he still shies away from such talk. Respect that he may need more time to figure out where he stands on issues like that, but NEVER EVER hold back where YOU stand. Make it clear that you do not always expect him to be as clear or sure about his position on certain things as you are, but that you do have the right to express how you feel about things. (And the same goes for him, of course). I cannot stress the importance of this enough.
To close tnings off: the only other thing that can fuck up a relationship with an age difference (or any relationship, for that matter), is when there's a disbalance of powers. This usually happens when the younger person becomes in some way dependant on the older person, for example when he looks up to his older partner so much, that he starts acting the way he things his partner wants, even in really subtle ways. If this becomes anchored in his personality, which is still very much forming then, years later he may find out where his real boundaries lie and distance himself or even rebel from his partner. (I know of an older friend who had a very loving relationship with a younger partner, who years later broke it off and blamed the older person for not respecting his boundaries enough. The problem was that my older friend never even knew he didn't do this enough, as his younger lover always seemed very happy). Only date a younger person who is good at making clear what he does and doesn't want. Never EVER go with a younger person who will say "yes" to everything. In fact, encourage each other's independance. It's the only way to make sure overdepence will not be an issue.
I wish you both much love.
