Agonizing Love Story

[Orderedchaos]

First of all, I am jealous of every happy person alive.

There was a time when I was absolutely certain that I had found the person who was my perfect complement. The unresolved parts of me came into focus at just the perfect time when I was in high school and I can say I fell in love with someone. Of course, this was the first time it was homo feelings. I used to date girls, and feel nothing, and kind of end up disapointed that so many girls were after me and I honestly could care less about them. And I met someone that changed all that. And it was a total secret to the world, maybe that was a bad thing? There wasnt any other way at the time.

And he was fucking hot, so was I, everyone thought we were just best friends. And we spent literally every day together for 3 years (15-18). We never were even that sexual, a little fooly-cooly but thats about it.

And let me come to the present for the moment and divulge as to why I must write this, because my heart is pounding and my face is flush and just thinking about this again is making me... hurt.

And we got addicted to drugs, came from a bad city, being the most popular kids in high school left us with alot of peer pressure to play the part. It wasnt so bad, we had alot of intense moments together. I regret none of it. I regret being his co-dependence. I regret watching his life slide into oblivion that last year before we moved off to college. I was much more intellegent, I took classes for him online so he could pass high school. So am I to blame for moving off trying to better myself? The point is moot, again to the present my life is in shambles, Ive dropped out of college, I have no idea where my life is going.

And it culminated in a fight where he tried to break into my house after an argument and, while I never feel the emotion of anger, I saw red, schitzed out, and choked the life out of him until he slumped over in my arms and started coughing up alot of blood. ALOT of it. And I cried and cried and tried to take care of him as he spit blood on me incapacitated in my bed throwing my stuff around the room.

Time went on. And oddly enough, deepened my wounds. Infected and festering feelings once forgotten would be wrenched from the depths of my heart at his monthly phone calls. I've visited him maybe 6 times since then. Just slept next to him. But the love, I am realizing all the more as I write this, is dead. He wont even talk to me about how he feels. He wont take my calls, just expects me to take his, and I have. And it has driven me mad. He is on my mind every day. Every night. I think about him missing on the other side of my bed, being my shoulder to cry on. I look over and feel an emptiness inside me congruent with the space around me. I am alone. Will I always be?

I have tried to meet other people. I compare them to him. Ive trolled craigslist and befriended closet cases and the oddest of people looking for some small semblance of the sensations that I used to cherish. Oddly double-ended, I compare everyone to him, and everyone falls short. No one understands me. I drive everyone I meet crazy with my looks and personality and then to tears with my pain. Until my pain becomes theirs and I have left a wake of chaos behind me. All very scientific. And Ive crushed like 4 people and I just have to deal with that now. Im not deluded enough to think its their fault, its mine, Im a... man scorned with fury with which hell hath no.

So judge me. Please, leave your comments and interpretations below. I welcome your harshest responses, anything to make me feel again, understand this life thing. Cause its been hard. I feel like my whole life is a mathematical error of massive proportions that fate is dying to correct. Why am I here? I wont produce children, its all a big mistake. God in his ivory tower needs a slap for burdening his creations like this, while often beautiful, still often take ugly turns for the WORST. I feel like I will never meet anyone again and am now doomed to live alone. I lost the person fate had married me too so now it is my fate to be alone. To hurt. To ache. To writhe and cry myself to sleep every night until all my yesterdays are dust on the shelf waiting to be casually swept away by the hand of fate as the mess of my life departs from this world. And I am heard no more.

But until then I hope I have been heard by maybe even one person today. My psychiatrist said this would be helpful. Do you think I will always be alone? Going on 4 years now. And there isnt anything I would like more than to accept my fate rather than keep fighting it.

To those who have found love: hold onto it. Feed it and let it grow, never let it go, life is too short to think its ok to make mistakes for people like us. Because when it leaves you, your will to live might just leave you as well, and then where will you be? Hopefully not with me.


-All my love

 

[Seasoned]

Are you sure you've found the right psychiatrist for you? It's not reasonable to think a teen love will last, especially one complicated by addiction, co-dependency and violence. I suggest shopping for other mental health providers. It seems to me that perhaps some form of group therapy might be beneficial.

No matter who we are or what we may have there are no guaranties regarding tomorrow. All could be lost. I'm sorry that it's left you depressed, but it doesn't seem like this relationship was healthy.

It's time to develop into a person who will be able to attract and sustain a healthy relationship. Good luck to you.

 

[greyhorse]

Ordered - feel for you so much in what you had that slipped from your grasp - very sad. But even though you have tried to move on and found it difficult, you must put the past behind and move on - get out there - live your life - no one else will for you. It is difficult but just hang in there and continue to get out of your head and change your thinking. Put your mind to some other constructive purpose and loose the negative thoughts. They just drag you down. Look for and enjoy the beauty in life that is there. I wish you all the best and mostly and return to happiness in your life. Hugs and best wishes, G

 

[palemale]

It does not seem to me that your life is fucked up because you fell in love with the wrong person. Rather, because your life is fucked up, you cling to the love you once had for the wrong person. He is a symptom, not the illness.

 

[Orderedchaos]

interesting point of view. I could not have been more convinced that he was the right person. I know I have alot of problems, I thought he was the answer.

Seems like a calm, rational for someone whos frantic and irrational about it. And usually Im not a bleeding heart except for the people Im close with. Like a seperation of church and state.

Anyways i feel better for having written this. At least someone else knows now. That was the last person who said "i love you" to me. Im too emotional for my own good.

 

[palemale]

We could all tell you to snap out of it, move on with your life, forget about the guy, stop doing drugs, etc, etc. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. Things don't get better because someone tells you to get better. Mental health doesn't return because someone told you what to do.

It does sound to me, however, that the two of you are toxic together. The best thing would be for you to end all contact with him. Better only one of you goes down in flames than both of you. Only you can take the steps necessary to move on with your life. When you're prepared to do it, things will improve.

 

[epod85]

You've been mourning this relationship for longer then it even lasted, are you sure by this point you haven't twisted things to seem better then they were? You say you keep comparing others to him but after this length in time the bad memories have probably faded and I doubt that your image of him is even an accurate portral of what he was really like.

It's time to move on. Stop taking his calls keep seeing your shrink and in time, if you want it to, things will get better. Life doesn't have to be that shitty

 

[ezwriter]

Dude, your writing style is what's really agonizing, fuck the love story.

"To writhe and cry myself to sleep every night until all my yesterdays are dust on the shelf waiting to be casually swept away by the hand of fate as the mess of my life departs from this world."

Ugh. I couldn't care less about you or your problem after reading that.