Ah his ex-girlfriend is back.

[wred222000]

Hey guys so i'm in a situation that kind of sucks.

So I met this guy 3 months ago and we really hit it off. We are both in the closet. I'm 21 and he's 30. I've done stuff with a few guys but never had a relationship. He's completely new. So after we hung out we started seeing each other almost every day. there hasn't been a week that has gone by that we've seen each other less than 3 or 4 days. We've both talked a lot about what are relationship is and we've said we loved each other. However, he keeps saying that we can never have an open relationship and that he can never come out at his age. He's really successful in terms of finances and his career. I'm just a college student.

He told me in November how he broke up with his girlfriend at the beginning of the year and that she'll be back in December. We talked about it and my response was more like we'll deal with it when it comes and that if anything to just go with how he feels. So she came back on Friday and after we hung out in the afternoon he went out with her. He didn't tell me who he was going out with, but told me this morning that he went out with his ex.

When we were talking he just kept saying how he doesn't want to hurt me and that he feels guilty. He also said that all these feelings came out when they had dinner on Friday. I kept saying that it's okay to feel all these emotions and we both knew this was coming and that the storm is here. But then he started asking me questions like how I would feel watching him getting married and not to fall for him (a little late don't you think?). But he also said how much he loves me.

I don't know if you understood all that, but I just feel really weird about the whole situation. I have this feeling like he wants me to break up with him, but just have me on the side in case he wants sex with a man while being in a relationship with his ex. Mostly, I'm struggling to stay calm and to not get crazy with him. I don't know, have you guys been in similar situations?

 

[Eagle653]

Yes, I think a lot of us have been in situations similar to this: Wanting someone who, for all intents and purposes, is unavailable.

I'm afraid you're dealing with fire with him. He's a closeted guy who likes men, but wants to hang on to an ex. I don't mean to sound cruel, but he's got some major issues, and you will only get sucked into his tornado of a life if you allow yourself to get any more emotionally involved with him.

I know he's got a lot of attributes that attracted him to you in the first place--I'm not saying he's a total scumbag at all. But, the point is, there are others out there who are more emotionally-together, AND available. Unfortunately, I think you have him pegged right in that he would like to keep you "on the side" for when he's horny for cock. That's not good for you at all, and I'm sure you know that.

Good luck...I hope you can find a way out of this gracefully and then find someone who appreciates you and wants you to be the center of their life.

 

[Treborf]

^^^^^
what he said

 

[neoachilles]

I've gotta agree with AverageGuy on this one: you're playing with fire. He is struggling with his identity, and that's fine. However, if he is gay and winds up marrying a woman for the sake of keeping up appearances, that is a situation you don't want to find yourself getting caught up in. It would be a decision made out of fear and selfishness. It could only end in heartache for everyone involved. As far as you're concerned, you need to lay down the law: it's one thing if the two of you are not ready to reveal your relationship to the world, but he has no right to ask you to take a back seat to anyone or anything. You don't have to be anyone's "dirty little secret."

 

[crzyrazn]

Sound advice from posters above. He needs to make the decision. But, please, just be O.K. with it if he doesn't make the choice you want him to make. Don't let this mess drag you down, of course it will be heartbreaking, but you need to build yourself up now for the torrent of emotions you may have to deal with. Don't get "crazy" because that leads to nothing, and especially no good.

 

[wred222000]

Thanks for the words guys. I appreciate it. This is going to be tough, but I'm gonna talk to him about this. You're right I shouldn't have to take the back seat or be a dirty little secret. Things are getting clearer.

Thanks.

 

[youngnihilist]

he's being completely selfish.

 

[KaraBulut]

Yes, I think a lot of us have been in situations similar to this: Wanting someone who, for all intents and purposes, is unavailable.

The great irony of your situation is that- at age 21- you are more together and mature than your 30 year-old boyfriend.

This is not your boyfriend's first time at the rodeo. There are years and years and layers and layers of denial in his past.

These problems- his persistent inability to resolve his confusion, his persistent inability to make a commitment to a guy and his persistent inability to admit that he's gay- are his problems to deal with.

You need to have a talk with this guy. Confused guys are like tornados. It's very easy to get sucked in and thrown around like a ragdoll if you're not careful. If he's not willing to deal with his coming out issues and he's not willing to make a commitment, then there's little chance that your relationship will survive.

Take care of yourself first but it's your boyfriend who needs to get help.

 

[wred222000]

Thanks guys. so here's an update cause I need to vent...

So on Sunday we talked and I got everything off my chest. I told him we need to take a break from each other and that we shouldn't see each other and BLAH BLAH BLAH. I also told him that it comes down to him making a decision and that I'm willing to give him some time to figure it out. It was pretty emotional and he kept saying how selfish he is and feeling guilty, but really made no fight against the break.

So now it's Tuesday and my friends are telling me that now I made it easier for him to work out whatever he wants to do with his ex. Also, that once his ex is gone he can conveniently come back to me and tell me that he doesn't see a future with her.

Inside I know it's pretty much over and that I really can't continue this even after his ex leaves. But I can't hope and wish that he will call me and tell me that he didn't know what he was thinking by letting me go and deciding that his future is with me. This freakin sucks and it hurts knowing that he's not going to text, call, or visit me. He sent me a message on my phone on Monday morning, but I deleted it without even reading it. He knows I didn't read it cause it tells him on his phone.

errr...

 

[latinoguy19]

Inside I know it's pretty much over and that I really can't continue this even after his ex leaves. But I can't hope and wish that he will call me and tell me that he didn't know what he was thinking by letting me go and deciding that his future is with me. This freakin sucks and it hurts knowing that he's not going to text, call, or visit me. He sent me a message on my phone on Monday morning, but I deleted it without even reading it. He knows I didn't read it cause it tells him on his phone.

errr...

You can't think that way. I did that after my boyfriend...hoping and wishing he would call me, text me, or reach out to me. He was also finding out his sexuality; I came out at 14, him at 19. We broke up because he had troubles feeling distinctly gay. We are both bi men, but he was always confused. Sometimes I felt like I was a test or experiment to him, one he didn't understand had feelings invested.

We are even better friends now, and he does want me again. I sometimes ignore his calls or his inquiries about who I date/sleep with; he cannot be without me and then want to know all about my love life, he broke up with me. But deep down I want to call or text him back. But you can't sacrifice your heart and happiness just for a dream that might not even work. You gotta move on and be non-sexual/feeling with him. You gotta put yourself first.