Alcohol

[ravenstar]

So I'm not really sure what I'm writing, or what I'm hoping to gain by this but I'm starting to worry about the amount of alcohol I'm drinking. I don't know if I'm an alcoholic, a drunk, a binge drinker or what. I just know that I'm starting to get really down on myself whenever I do drink.

My dad once described his father - a vicious, violent alcoholic - as someone for whom 1 drink was too many, and 1000 weren't enough. He may as well have been describing me. Not the vicious bit, but the 1 is too many, 1000 aren't enough.

Whenever I drink, I don't stop until the cask is empty.

About 2 years ago - I think - I made the decision to stop drinking. I did amazingly well I thought, but one night at a work function I made the decision to have one glass of wine. Turned out that it was 4 glasses by the time I went home, but after that I didn't drink again for a couple of months.

I made a whole bunch of promises to myself, most of which I broke within a month. I wasn't going to drink at home alone. I was only going to have at most, 2 drinks if I went out.

Slowly the rules changed and I started having just 1 glass of wine to wind down, and now I'm back to where I was. I don't drink during the week - the only rule I've managed to stick too - but now it's a 2 litre cask of cheap wine almost every Saturday and Sunday.

I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like the world's biggest loser. I know that's not helpful, but it's how I feel. The other thing is, whenever I drink I end up depressed as hell the next day. Moping around, unable to function, barely able to keep from crying.

I have had depression in the past, it's not something I would ever want to revisit, but lately, I've been feeling more and more out of control, just constantly miserable and I know it's because all I think about, is getting home to the wine. I make myself wait all week, until the weekend and on Saturday the drinking starts barely at midday. Last night I drank for a solid 14 hours. Just one drink, after the other, playing online, chatting to random people, and pouring the drinks down without notice. I finished an entire 2 litre cask of wine, and then opened another one. It was when I did opened the second one that I felt like I had this moment of insight.

I tipped the drink out and went to bed, but not before I realised that I'm in a worse position than I was when I quit drinking last time.

I honestly don't know why I wrote this. I guess I'm hoping that someone on here might have some suggestions on how to beat to the cravings. I can make promises to myself until the cows come home, but we all know how good I am at keeping those.

Any advice or tips are welcome. I've even considered going to an AA meeting near work, but I have no idea what will happen if I do, or whether I'm ready for that sort of announcement yet.

 

[guyfromNY]

I would strongly recommend that you go to an AA meeting. You don't have to make any sort of announcement, just go and sit there and listen and you might find stories similar to yours. It is a lifeline for many drinkers for a reason, it works!!! And a tip, you will never ever ever be able to drink any alcoholic beverage in moderation. It would be a good idea to always keep that in mind..

 

[ravenstar]

Thanks guyfromNY

 

[Yuki Sohma]

Well, hmmmmmmmm.....dude there are plenty of stories in the city (as it goes) so luv you are not alone. The very first step in the AA 12 step program in summary and brief states that "one admits they are powerless over alcohol."

So it seems that you may have begun the twelve step process ingrained in the very fabric of AA. Also, it seems you are luckier than some who reach the same conclusions you have achieved only after having a bad experience in their lives. I believe in AA and its ability to help those who seek the sobriety AA offers. Just my initial thought. Your thoughts?

Give AA a chance. It works if you work it. Oh and one more thing, try and find a "gay only" AA meeting.

 

[sixthson]

Raven, good for you for recognizing a problem. I think you should see your family doctor first thing. Tell him what you told us.
AA is a smart choice.

You can do this and we all support you and care about you.

 

[Yuki Sohma]

What sixthson said ♥

 

[ravenstar]

Thank you Yuki & sixthson, I'm going to see the Dr tomorrow. I'm aware enough to realise my brains playing silly buggers again. It's not normal to be constantly sad and depressed all the time. The last time my depression really flared up badly was about 9 years ago. I was talking to mum earlier and mentioned I've never gotten over the depression that flared up while I was unemployed for so long. Sometimes, you can't just keep on going, you have to ask for help.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

I'll remind you that alcohol is a depressant. If you're already depressed drinking will only make it worse. I think drinking is an escape. In my younger years I was a weekend lush with liquid courage at the bars hoping to meet Mr.Right while being sloppy drunk. It doesn't work. Find and fix what you're hiding from so alcohol isn't necessary.

 

[Yuki Sohma]

I take legal pharmaceuticals and see the Doc regularly for my bipolar self. I could self medicate with alcohol and street drugs (marijuana is legally grown and sold in stores here where I live) but I know I can't use.

Keep the faith‼ Good luck and get help don't try and go it alone.

 

[dereperez]

You're starting in the right step by realizing you have an addiction. From what I've heard from everyone that has experienced such a thing, they always find ways to reason with themselves ("oh, I'll just have a glass of wine every dinner"..or something like "no more than two drinks every other night"). I am glad you're seeking help and going to the doctor tomorrow. It is a big thing to share and I know you can do it since you were able to kick your habit of smoking.

 

[KaraBulut]

...Any advice or tips are welcome. I've even considered going to an AA meeting near work, but I have no idea what will happen if I do, or whether I'm ready for that sort of announcement yet.

Your description of feeling powerless over alcohol is a common theme among people with addictions. And it's good that you can see the pattern of one drink becoming two until the bottle is empty. You're at the tipping point where you do need to gain control over your drinking. If you don't your health will be affected- the amount of alcohol that you're consuming will take its toll on your body over time.

What you post also shows is that you've had success in stopping for short periods of time but you need support to help stay on the wagon. AA is a good choice for peer support and having someone that can help you at moments of weakness.

There's a section of Leslie Jordan's My Trip Down the Pink Carpet where he talks about his fears at attending his first AA meeting but how he found acceptance and support there. It's available on DVD or streaming video and it's also a very good discussion about addiction issues that are so common with gay men and lesbians.

 

[Telstra]

I've heard alcohol is destroying the liver or make the liver work too hard is that correct?

 

[palbert]

I have been where you are now; thank heaven I conquer it every day. Going to AA will help but you still need the resolve to never drink again.

Make sure you ask your doctor about the damaging effects of alcohol on the body, particularly the liver. Have a full liver panel done to see if there is any damage; pay particular attention to an elevated bilirubin.

Best of luck.

 

[Benvolio]

I don't think you are alcoholic from your description, since you can go for significant periods without drinking. And for that reason, I do not consider it an addiction. Wanting to continue drinking after you start is a somewhat different phenomenon. Like eating one potato chip, except that drinking reduces inhibitions, so your best laid plains are brushed aside. The solution, if you are drinking at home, is not to buy two liters or more at a time. In the US, many stores have 175ml bottles--1/4 of a standard 750 ml wine bottle. Also, cardboard boxes of some pretty good blended wines in the 500ml size are available. Decide what you would like to drink before shopping and buy only that much wine. If you have to buy a larger size, consider pouring out the excess before you start. It seems a waste, but it is going to be gone anyway, so better to waste it than drink it.
But, your depression is a separate problem, causing you to turn to drink. I think you should see the doctor about the depression. I don't think you can control the depression by limiting the alcohol, but there is no doubt that a hangover includes some depression.

 

[KaraBulut]

I don't think you are alcoholic from your description, since you can go for significant periods without drinking. ...
But, your depression is a separate problem, causing you to turn to drink. I think you should see the doctor about the depression. I don't think you can control the depression by limiting the alcohol, but there is no doubt that a hangover includes some depression.

One of the things that is difficult when defining alcoholism and addiction is there is not a clear line between casual use and misuse.

Whether someone doesn't drink doesn't determine whether they are an alcoholic. Most people who have issues with addiction will tell you that even when they don't drink they have to be conscious that they are still an alcoholic and for many, just that one drink is enough to fall off the wagon.

And while it's true that alcohol has a depressant effect, there's a lot of variance in how different people and different ethnic groups react to alcohol. There's a large number of people who self-medicate their depression with alcohol because it gives them a short-term feeling of euphoria.

There are several tools that we use when screening for addiction issues. Some of the questions are based upon objective things like "How often do you drink?" but most of the questions have to do with impairment- how alcohol impacts the person and the people around them.

A couple of the tools are the NADD questionnaire and the AUDIT questionnaire. Links are below:
http://www.markjayalcoholdetox.co.uk/wiki/audit.php
https://ncadd.org/learn-about-alcohol/alcohol-abuse-self-test

 

[Benvolio]

I admit that I have a similar tendency to that of the OP. I can and do go for weeks without a drink, but when I have one I want to continue. I do control it with strategies which I have described. Just do not keep it on hand. Significantly, I think, I find that if I drink Pinot Grigio I want to continue. But when I drink my quota of Cabernet or Merlot, I am ready to stop. This tells me that there is more than alcohol at work here, sugar content perhaps.
I also find it easier to stop with beer. If i am in a bar, I only drink beer and limit myself to four, largely out of fear of DUI. I arrange to have a cold beer at home--not a six pack. So if I feel like another, I remind myself that i have a cold one at home.

 

[ravenstar]

I forgot about this thread - I wonder what that says about me.

I went to the Dr to talk about the alcohol, and she told me that more than being an alcoholic, she thought I was self-medicating with the alcohol in an effort to deal with an underlying depression.

Regardless of whether it is an addiction, or an attempt to drown my sorrows, I've removed it from the house and no longer sit around the house drinking all weekend. I'll do whatever feels right as I move forward, but I won't be sitting at home drinking myself into oblivion all weekend.