All my problems in one post...(Warning:Long Post)

[electrickcastle]

OK, this is my first post here and it's long as hell, I'm just trying to vent my anxiety, depression and life problems.
Feel free to skim read lol...

I've been shy my entire life and and it turned into social anxiety in my teen years. I ended up dropping out of school at age 15 to avoid speeches and peoples attention being focused on me. I missed a lot of school when I was 14-15 because I had Glandular Fever although I could have gone I just milked it because I hated school so much and I was also starting to get depression. The depression got worse and I came back for a few weeks then ended up leaving for good. The next year I did home school and went to my mums work during the day. I kept it up for a while but the depression was getting worse and I just got lazy and ended up quitting that too. I was home a lot and obviously bored, I had 2 friends that I would get drunk/stoned with occasionally and becoming more frequent. I was ashamed to admit that I didn't go to school. I hated meeting new people cause I knew that they would ask
"What school do you go to?" or "Where do you work?". I would usually lie and say I was still doing correspondence or looking for work. I had a few job interviews, and I got one working at a supermarket which lasted only 1 night. I woke up the next morning so sick with anxiety about having to go back the next day that I ended up ringing them up and quitting that too. I have a really bad self image as well and between the ages of 15-18 I used to think the only way I would be good looking is if I had heaps of plastic surgery. And i HATED my body, I still do now. I'm 6"2, scrawny, small chest/shoulders and waist, but my hips are 7-8 inches wider (measured around) than my waist, and about the same or maybe a little wider than my chest, making me look slightly feminine and triangular shaped.
I get soo depressed sometimes and I see other men who are straight up and down or V shaped and I just wish I could be like them.
I'm unsure if working out my upper body will make me look good or even normal, or if I will just look a bit better but still odd because of my bad natural body frame.
So I tend to be unmotivated to work out because I believe I can never make myself look good anyway.

Anyway so I was really depressed at ages 15-18 and had no job, no life, nothing. I started smoking more and more weed and a few times I would get paranoid when I was stoned by myself. Then one time when I was stoned I really freaked out. I remember looking at the walls and it looked like the patterns were faces, and everything surrounding me was really tense. It's hard to explain but it was like everything in the room had gasped and were all staring at me with anticipation, like something big was about to happen. I didn't think this stuff in my head, it was physical but it still freaked me out and I had to lie down. I also had this sensation that someone/thing was behind me. LIke I would see my shoulders at my sides and it felt like they were someone else's, like my head was detached from my body and it was someone else's body. Or if there was something behind me like a coat or cupboard and I would imagine it was a person I got freaked out. And when I moved it seemed like my movements would happen faster than I anticipated, making it seem ever more like someone else's body. I think I smoked once more and it happened again, but the day after it happened I was in the kitchen by myself, not stoned at all but I started thinking about it and I got the same sensation again. Maybe not quite as bad but still pretty terrifying. I had to stand with my back to the wall so there would be nothing behind me. Anyway this sensation lasted for a week. It was fucking hell. I would wake up every morning praying that I would get out of bed and feel normal but it was always the same, I thought I was going schizophrenic and kept looking up the symptoms on google. I thought I would give it one week then talk to my mum or a counsellor/doctor. I've never had anxiety that bad before, I always wanted to be around people cause it got way worse when I was alone. It kind of went away after a week although I was still anxious. After that I didn't smoke weed for a year.
After that year I got stoned a few times and sometimes I would get a little paranoid but then one time I had a huge cone and it happened again while I was at my friends house. Exactly the same stuff as last time, I told my friend but he obviously didn't understand how bad I felt and kind of ignored it.
I took another big break from weed and have since smoked a few times without freaking out. If I was really stoned I would find it too intense but it wasn't as bad as the other times. So it's been almost a year since I've smoked weed and I don't plan on ever having it again. But sometimes I freak out anyway like after I watched Paranormal Activity I was freaked out for a week or 2. The feeling of something being behind me or that there's a demon in me that's feeding off my negative energy and is becoming stronger and will posses me. Wow that sounds nuts, I mean I don't REALLY believe it it's just the sensation that freaks me out. And i don't KNOW for sure that demons don't exist. But if they do, the only thing I've heard about them is that they feed off negative energy and I'm depressed and anxious all the time!!
When it's not on my mind at all I'm fine, but sometimes when I start thinking about it I kind of spiral into an anxious state and get really paranoid that I'm going to go schizophrenic.
This stuff is always better when I am more social and aren't stuck at home all day by myself.


But the problem is that my social anxiety is so bad, I hate meeting new people and I hate it so bad when I feel myself blushing that I just avoid most social situations now. And the thought of getting a job, especially a customer service one totally freaks me out. I feel so stuck as well because I want to move out cause I'm getting really sick of some of my family members, especially my brother whom I share a room with and kicks me out every night at 10:00pm so he can go to bed. But I can't move out because I'm too anxious to get a job and even if I did, living on my own would probably make my depression and anxiety about going crazy worse.
And it's almost the end of the year and I don't know what I'm doing next year. I was looking at 3 different Photography courses but I'm freaked out about having to do presentations etc. Even one presentation in the whole course is enough to put me off.
I finished studying film and video post production in March this year and have had no job or anything else since.
I was studying for 2 years and It was quite fun but the presentations freaked me out so much. I would end up blushing so bad and being so short of breath that I could barely speak coherently. The last presentation I ended up getting meds to help me out but they didn't work very well and I didn't know what day of the week I would have to present so I would turn up to class half drunk and on diazepam. The tutor ended up putting off some of the presentations till next week so I just skipped the days I might have to present and eventually he forgot about it. I had to present my final project at the end of the year which I did without meds. It wasn't so bad because it was very informal, there weren't many people in the class and I only had to briefly explain what my movie was about.

My depression finally went away when I was about 18 (don't know why, nothing in my life changed) and that's when I started studying.
I was fine for over a year and I thought that it had gone for good but half way through my 2nd year it came back (again, no idea why)
and it made the last part of course really hard to finish assignments etc because I was so down and unmotivated.

Now I'm 21 and in such a rut and don't know what to do with my life and don't know if I'll ever be able to work.
+ I'm $1200 Overdraft, owe my credit card $400 (almost maxed out) and owe my mum $900
I was on the unemployment benefit (Welfare) but they had these weekly workshops that I had to go to which I hated and the last time I went they said next week they would be doing a role-play job interview of us in front of the rest of the class so I stopped coming and now my benefits been cut off and I only get $30 from my parents.
I went to my GP to get referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist but apparently they're not paying for people anymore because they're low on funds and it would cost me $120+ per session

Also I'm having issues about coming out. When I first found out (15ish) I planned to never tell anyone cause I thought it was so bad.
Now I've told a couple of friends and my sister but I think I might have some internalized homophobia because I'm uncomfortable talking about it or when people say "DO you think that guy's hot?" etc. And I can't bring myself to tell the rest of my family, especially my brothers. I guess I still am ashamed of it.
I know I shouldn't be, I just don't want to be seen as feminine or anything. And the other problem is that I tend to only be attracted to older guys (40-60) and my family and friends would totally freak out if I started going out with a guy that age. But I also want to spend my life with someone I can relate to and have fun with, more closer to my age so I don't know if I'll ever find anyone...



I know it's a long post but if anyone could give advice on one of these issues it would be great, even if not, it's still good to get this stuff off my chest

 

[ThreeCrows]

I know it's a long post but if anyone could give advice on one of these issues it would be great, even if not, it's still good to get this stuff off my chest

You have multiple issues that are weighing very heavily on you. And I am glad that you took the time to express them and get them off your chest - and welcome to JUB! There are a lot of nice guys here so I hope you stick around.

I am not qualified to answer any of your questions, but my common sense advice would be to avoid drugs and alcohol. Is it possible for you to visit a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication for your social phobia? One who can address your other concerns and someone you can talk to?

As for your unhappiness with your body and physique - you can change that to some degree. It will take some time and work, but you absolutely can do it. Avoid junk food/fast food/soft drinks - those definitely mess ones attitude and emotional state. And try to get into an exercise regime. Maybe try to eat healthy and take a whey protein shake after exercise since you want to bulk up your shoulders and chest.

I don't know if any of that is helpful, but I'm listening and I feel for you. Good luck, wishing you the best.

**Edit: ah, sorry, I missed why you cannot see a psychiatrist on my first read through, my apologies for being a lazy reader

 

[electrickcastle]

Yeah I no longer take drugs, have a few drinks sometimes but only very occasionally. No need to apologize for not reading the entire post lol - its HUGE, I don't really expect people to read it very thoroughly.
I didn't intend to make it so long but once I got started I just wanted to write everything lol.

Even though I don't know you and this is an internet forum it actually really means a lot so thanks very much for your reply ThreeCrows

 

[ThreeCrows]

Even though I don't know you and this is an internet forum it actually really means a lot so thanks very much for your reply ThreeCrows

No, thank you. And it's no trouble at all, we've all got to look out for and after each other.

Just in terms of you getting comfortable here, I suggest maybe checking out the Hot Topics sub-forum on JUB? Subjects and topics tend to be more lighthearted and playful there.

Hope you are good

 

[thermodynamics]

I assume you live in the US. If so, where? My answer may depend on it.

 

[electrickcastle]

I'll check out the other forums, thanks for making me feel welcome ThreeCrows

Nah I live in New Zealand

 

[lunarus]

Okay I read it all, I tend to do that, even the walls of text, lol ^^

Anywho I will try to give some advice.

First and for most, why do you feel scared to meet new people? Is it because of you body image?

If so then you need to try to re-adjust you own self view.

Firstly you are just what 21? You are still growing into your being. There are plenty of men out there that would love the way you look. Try not to fall into the trap of trying to look like these perfectly quaffed twinks you see on/in films and what not. Not all of us can look that perfect all the time. BE YOURSELF! I am quite sure you are not as horrid looking as you may see yourself. We are always our harshest critics. ALWAYS.

Start making positive changes in your life. They don't need to be drastic and all at once. Hell it can start by adjusting your attitude. I was like you about meeting new people and having to give public presentation. Then on day I had to give a presentation in front of my entire high school, I was mortified. Most all of those ass hats made my life a living hell. But you know what I just said fuck it! If I screw up so be it. You know what happened the girl that acted like such a bitch to me in my class screwed up on a song she was suppose to sing. This was before my presentation. I almost fell out trying not to laugh, here miss thang screws up so bad after teasing me about having to present something to the entire school. At any rate I was still nervous but went to the podium and did my thing. At first my voice was all shaky as shit, but as I plowed through I gained the confidence I needed to finish and present the award to our guidiance counselor. After this I have appeared on TV a number of times, taught classes to thousands of people and have done other functions that required people's attention to be all on me. Do I like being the center of attention? Um no. But when I need to I do it. Have I screwed up in front of others, um yes. What did I do? Laughed so hard at myself in front of said people I cried. This makes them laugh and there by relaxes any strange flubs you have.

Your depression seems to be triggered by situations in your life. Figure out what they are, work through them and know you are not alone in this world. Even those that seem like they have it all together may in some cases be just like you.

No one is ever perfect. We all have our good days and really shitty days. And I can truly say it does get better. I am 37 and still laugh at myself. I am by no means a social butterfly. I am not an Adonis. But I know I am not a leper either. I am me, and if you don't like me then by all means move the fuck on. You need to be comfortable in your own skin. And that also means being comfortable with being gay.

Hope some of this helped. And as always we are here to listen to you. Take care.


Lunar

 

[thermodynamics]

Lunarus has some great advice above.

We've all got issues with our own bodies. Too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short... I'm quite attracted to slim/skinny guys in whatever "shape" they come in. Yeah, we all dream of 6-pack abs. But that's all the farther it goes.

I think you're doing well to avoid recreational drugs. They really can mess you up and can exacerbate other mental health conditions.

I think your first priority should be to finish whatever school you've started (high school?). This may require giving a speech in front of other people. None of us like it, but we get used to it over time. Perhaps you can ask your teacher to allow you to start out with speaking to a small group. I think it's actually a lot easier to give a speech in front of people you've never met.

I really do think it's worth talking with a psychiatrist as soon as you can (I understand the $$$ thing). I think there is a decent chance that there may be a social phobia/anxiety diagnosis at the bottom of all of this.

As for coming out...I think we often (not always, but often) make a mountain out of a molehill. Coming out to your parents could easily be a good thing. It might convince them to be more supportive of the tough times you're facing.

I really do hope things get better for you. This too shall pass.

 

[bendted]

. But I can't move out because I'm too anxious to get a job and even if I did, living on my own would probably make my depression and anxiety about going crazy worse.

I disagree, moving out would do you wonders. Well it did for me. Got away from my toxic family which will DEcrease any depression and anxtiety. My nightmares and panic attacks ended immediately (21 years now). But in order to do that, you have to get a job, obviously, and yes, maintaining a home on your own can be stressful at times but oh so worth it.

 

[dangermouse]

I can't really add much to whats been said by the others, so I'll just give you one thing to keep in mind as you go about improving your life.

Life isn't about feeling good all the time. In my work (im a pscyhologist) I see a lot of people who have an expectation that they should feel, look and BE fantastic all the time. I was reading through some posts and someone was looking for herbal antidepressants because they 'felt fine most of the time but about once a week felt depressed'. It's lamost like theres something wrong with feeling less than perfect. Then when life inevitably doesn't live up to those expectations they get even more depressed, anxious, turn to addictions to escape etc etc. There ARE times when you will feel upset, when you will say something silly, look like you just crawled out of bed..but you know what, thats alright. The biggest thing is to be able to accept that hey, things aren't going my way at the moment and I feel bad and thats NORMAL. Now thats something that's easy to see but hard to do.

Another thing that might help you, since a lot of your problems come from anxieties about the people around you, is the Serenity Prayer. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". REALLY think about that for a while, and you might come to realise that you can't change what other people are going to think about you, all you CAN change is how you feel about yourself, and what those people's thoughts mean to you.

One other little quote I'll leave you with, by Carl Rodgers is "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change". What he was essentially saying is that until you accept the way you are currently and just let go, you won't be able to move on and make the changes you need to in your life.

Sorry this was such a long reply, i hope it was a little helpful. If you want anything more concrete, just say so and I can give you a bit more in the way of practical advice.

 

[electrickcastle]

@ lunarus: Thanks, that's quite an inspirational story

@ thermodynamics: I dropped out of secondary school ages ago. I finished the 2 Diploma courses in Film early this year. I'm just trying to figure out what to do next year.
I used to see a psychologist and he said I have social phobia so I know I have it...just need to fix it lol.

@ bendted: Yeah, I really want to move out, it's just the problem with getting a job which is holding me back. I just avoid applying cause I know if I get it I'll freak out and have anxiety for ages.

@ dangermouse: That's true I guess, no one's perfect.
I like those quotes as well.

Thanks very much for the replies everyone I've actually been really active for the past few days, going for bike rides, beach and playing hackey a lot so I'm actually feeling quite good