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Almost sexless relationship...Over 3 months without...

M

MasonJay

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I have been with my honey for almost 3 years, and he told me that sex was never a big thing for him, but I also told him that I am a big sex person. When we first talked, he was just saying that sex not being a big thing meant he only really wanted to have sex once a week or so...I was fine with that, though I prefer it every day...lol, but I was okay with the compromise because of how great he is in every other aspect of our relationship. We still have a very intimate relationship, always touching, holding each other when we sleep, kissing--simple as well as very passionate, but it just doesn't lead to anything else. If we do have sex, it is just usually me sucking him off and then the moment is finished. Anymore, I don't even consider that actual sex since I am left completely unattended to. He has said that I want to fuck him every time we have sex but that he doesn't always want to be fucked. The problem with that is, fucking him is really the only way that I get anything out of having sex with him besides jacking myself off while giving oral...I am a top, but have offered my ass to him a few times so that I might get some kind of further sexual benefit, but whenever he starts to breathe a little faster or even sweat a little bit from fucking me, he stops. He says that he has never been able to cum fucking a guy and hasn't with me either.

I just don't know what to do. We have talked about everything that I have said here and more, and I don't want to be without him ever, but the sexual frustration is getting so high for me, and Jacking is not enough...I am a cum/ws drinking, rimming, felching, etc. freak of a top, and another man is required to do most everything I get off on.

And yes, I know about the 80%-20% rule. He is my 80%, but I never thought that the entire remaining 20% would be only sex...

Thoughts?
 
Since life is short and there may come a time when sex becomes more difficult due to age or medical conditions (I'm thinking of myself never believing I'd have issues until prostate cancer) you'll need to decide if this is a deal breaker. Others may advise an open relationship, but not everyone, myself included, is wired that way.

My advice is to tell him that you're frustrated and not satisfied. Tell him that while you knew his sex drive mismatched yours he knew it as well and that going from once a week to not at all is unacceptable. You've been willing to compromise but he has not. Tell him you want to save the relationship and that the two of you may need couple's counseling to make that happen.

Anytime there is something of importance to one person in a relationship it is also something that must be considered important by the other person. If not, it's no longer a romantic relationship and has become a roommate situation. I'd say it's time for him to compromise. Some day your love and affection for him might be enough, but there's today to consider. If he's asexual you have a huge issue at hand.

Best wishes to you and good luck.
 
He may not be a selfish person in other aspects of your relationship but in the sex department he's very selfish. He only care's about his wishes and what gets him off. A partner needs to take his partners needs and desires seriously. You've already talked to him about it and he doesn't seem to care. You have to decide if you can live the rest of your life in a sexless relationship with a selfish person. He's made it clear he's not going to change. You can open things up but as you know that can be a Pandora's box.

I'd give couple's counseling a try and if that didn't work he and I would have to have a serious discussion about our future.

Steven.
 
Sexual incompatibility is a big problem in a relationship, simply because sex is one form of expressing intimacy and love toward your partner. It's kind of like trying to carry on a long, meaningful conversation with someone, and neither of your speaks the other's language. You two need to discuss this very serious issue, preferably in couples counseling as suggested above. You also must be prepared for the possibility that this relationship may not be salvagable.

Good luck.
 
It is unlikely that he is ever going o be more sexual. I suggest you tell him you would like an open relationship.live together etc, but play around.
 
Well, I don't really want an open relationship, but he and I talked about it, and we are going to give it a try. I told him that if we are to do this, he can do what he wants, but all I would really want is one guy that would similar to a mistress in a straight relationship. He said that he thought that would be a good idea for me. Most guys I talk to want to have sex with me, or a relationship, but when I tell them that I have a bf, they walk away. I guess now the issue is finding that someone that would fit that mode in my/our life. Do you think such a guy exists?
 
Now that you have an open relationship, you don't have to say you have a boyfriend when you meet guys you want to have sex with. You can reveal your boyfriend and your open relationship later on.
 
I guess that is an option, but that feels as though I am lying to them. I guess I am just strange that way...
 
Well at least you should never lead the others on if they think you're single and it might lead to more.

Anyway, in my personal experience, as well as observing others, disproportion in sex drive is ultimately destructive to relationships. It might be "only" 20% for some people, but for others it's much more, and I personally think of it as the Ying to love's Yang. Both are important, both are irreplaceable. And in the end, when one isn't working, it rarely matters which one it is.
 
Open relationships almost always sound better in theory than they prove to be in practice. I predict this relationship will end sooner rather than later.
 
Try bringing in new things for sex life. The newness has worn off.bringing in new ideas will keep thing interesting.
 
I have a policy,that if I meet an interesting person,and things begin to develop further,sexual compatibility must be known before.If they don't match,relationship will end up cheating,etc...unless we agree to have open relationship...but that is not really a relationship in my books,fuck buddy,or friend with benefits.So,sort out sexual compatibility early.
 
^Yep I tend to agree with you Chrizze...and that test should be done very early on before you even live together as a couple. It precedes even the test "can I stand living together with this guy"...the sexual test is "does he have what I NEED and vice versa"...and it is a need and if unfulfilled will kill the relationship just the the same as if you had nothing in common but sex (not enough shared interests for example). The the OP - go to counseling and sort this out ...3 years is already a long time but there is still a chance of salvaging the relationship. Do not even think about opening the relationship because that won't solve anything longer term and exposes both of you to a variety of risks including STD's. It doesn't sound like you want to do that anyway so that's making things simpler.
Breaking up after 3 years is a major pain but nothing compared to sacrificing the rest of your life not getting sexual/intimacy from your partner which is a core part of any ltr.
 
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