Am I a bad son?

[petereater]

Here is a letter I am giving my mom tomorrow...am I wrong to do it this way?

Dear Mom,
I love you and I hope that you have never thought otherwise. I moved back to Louisville because of the best intentions, but unfortunately for the most part they have not supported me. I am not happy here and I cannot see my self ever being so. There are still so many dreams that I have about what my life could be and I just have trouble matching them up with Louisville. I love Seattle. I love the people there. I love the atmosphere. I love the damn rain. My life is incomplete and it is of no fault of your own or anyone else’s, accept for possibly mine for being too stubborn to accept it. Every day feels like I am banging my head against a wall. I hate that I have creditors breathing down my neck. I will have to deal with them someday. I hate that I allowed it to get this out of whack because I was afraid to say how I really felt. I just cannot do it anymore and I am so sad to know that this will bring you sadness. I hate that I am not strong enough to find happiness here, but it just all started so badly upon my return and has felt like a downhill slide since. There are limitations in this city that I never felt in Seattle. The culture, though there are pockets of normalcy, is stifling. It is not, in public, at work or in any way approaching what I lived for 17 years in Seattle. I feel boxed in and I cannot live that way anymore. There is too much more. I have seen it and I have lived it and I have loved it. I don’t really think that I have been myself since my return and though I was flawed, I miss that person. I was happy. Now, when I feel happy, on those rare occasions, I seem to get punished for feeling so. I am not sure what I did that has made Karma decide to beat me down every time I feel a little boost, but I am done. Something has to change and I know that means moving back to Seattle. I realize that I probably cannot even get a job right now because my credit is so bad and I definitely couldn’t get an apartment. But hopefully someone that used to care for me still does and will give me a break and a hand until I can get back on my feet. You have done everything you can since I came back and I thank you and only have more love for you than before, but I know that the love that you have for me would want to see
me happy and that is just not possible here. I would like to believe that this isn’t hitting you from out of the blue, but if it is I am sorry and I never intended on hurting you in a ny way. You once said that you would never put someone else’s happiness before yours and I feel I have to listen to those words and find my happiness even if it causes some unhappiness in the person that I love most in the world…you.

Your loving son,

 

[Eagle653]

Hi there, since meeting you at the Seattle Meet up a few years back, I can almost visualize you saying this. I was afraid this would happen, as Louisville is almost a different country from Seattle.

A mentor of mine once told me that family was the only love designed to grow apart. What he meant, of course, is that as we grow up and become our own productive person, it's only natural to seek independence and be on one's own. For you, that means living where you can breathe--Seattle. That hardly makes you a bad person.

Your letter is fine, but if at all possible, I'd suggest you tell you these things in person. Take her to lunch or dinner and level with her. Give her the chance to tell you that all she cares about is you being happy, instead of you putting those words in her mouth in the last paragraph.

Good luck, petereater. I know none of this has been easy. I hope it goes well, and that she accepts your decision gracefully. I also hope the move back goes smoothly and you re-gain your happiness and find a job, etc.

Let us know how it's going.

 

[spencer]

Here's the problem, the job market sucks in Seattle.

The letter is fine, but the plan sounds really difficult to execute. The economy sucks right now and I don't know how long you could hold up there without a lot of money, looking for a job.

As for your mom, she's a big girl and she has to learn to accept the fact that you can choose to live (just like she can) where ever you like. Is there a specific reason why she would be so opposed (are you the one to take care of her at her age?) that's the part I don' get.

 

[petereater]

Eagle, I guess I feel like I have given so many signs over the last two years that it should be obvious. I swear this is way harder than coming out ever was because of health issues regarding my mom. She is not on death's bed by any means, but she aging. As am I, and I am not happy here despite being closer, in proximity. But I just cannot say it in person...I have wanted to say something. If I don't the results will be very negative. And at this point I am not even sure that if I move back to Seattle that I won't be overwhelmed with guilt if something happens to her and I am not there. Screw screw screw! I am so conflicted.

 

[Eagle653]

I understand. When something needs to be said, then saying it is the most important, regardless of the medium. So, do what's most comfortable for you.

The fact of the matter is that you seem to be suffocating in Louisville. You aren't past the point of no return, because you know what will give you a fighting chance of fighting off an almost-certain depression.

In a way, you feel like you're in a Catch-22. You can't leave, and you can't afford not to leave. The fact of the matter, though, is that you CAN leave. You can be in touch daily by phone if you want to. If she needed you, you could be back in Louisville in a matter of hours. You are not abandoning her, so don't put yourself on a guilt-trip. As a matter of fact, many (most?) sons would not have up-rooted themselves in the first place and moved across the country to do what you did. I think you made quite a sacrifice, and for several years now. You gave it an honest shot, and it just didn't work for you. As I said before, that does NOT make you a bad person.

The thing you need to be realistic about, though, is what are you going back to? Do you have a support system up there? The job market is tough, how long can you last without a job--with, or without, the support of friends willing to put you up? Don't fall into the trap of being so eager to escape that you jump out of the proverbial frying pan into the fire. Do some planning and be deliberate and have a plan for when you get there.

 

[BINOWGAYLATER]

^^^what he said^^^^
The letter is very nice, indeed. but -- parts of it sounded like the makings of a suicide note - so i hope you don't scare mom too much!!
I left home (that i thought i never wanted to leave) and came to visit someone 6,000 miles away (for the Summer) - no definate permanent committment to stay or go back. I didn't go home for 31 years..
Nothing in Life is what we planned - nothing is forever - soo the best you can do is follow your heart and don't draw any lines in the sand -- leave your options open - I hope everything works out for you..

 

[Beachguyj]

Here is a letter I am giving my mom tomorrow...am I wrong to do it this way?

Dear Mom,
I love you and I hope that you have never thought otherwise. I moved back to Louisville because of the best intentions, but unfortunately for the most part they have not supported me. I am not happy here and I cannot see my self ever being so. There are still so many dreams that I have about what my life could be and I just have trouble matching them up with Louisville. I love Seattle. I love the people there. I love the atmosphere. I love the damn rain. My life is incomplete and it is of no fault of your own or anyone else’s, accept for possibly mine for being too stubborn to accept it. Every day feels like I am banging my head against a wall. I hate that I have creditors breathing down my neck. I will have to deal with them someday. I hate that I allowed it to get this out of whack because I was afraid to say how I really felt. I just cannot do it anymore and I am so sad to know that this will bring you sadness. I hate that I am not strong enough to find happiness here, but it just all started so badly upon my return and has felt like a downhill slide since. There are limitations in this city that I never felt in Seattle. The culture, though there are pockets of normalcy, is stifling. It is not, in public, at work or in any way approaching what I lived for 17 years in Seattle. I feel boxed in and I cannot live that way anymore. There is too much more. I have seen it and I have lived it and I have loved it. I don’t really think that I have been myself since my return and though I was flawed, I miss that person. I was happy. Now, when I feel happy, on those rare occasions, I seem to get punished for feeling so. I am not sure what I did that has made Karma decide to beat me down every time I feel a little boost, but I am done. Something has to change and I know that means moving back to Seattle. I realize that I probably cannot even get a job right now because my credit is so bad and I definitely couldn’t get an apartment. But hopefully someone that used to care for me still does and will give me a break and a hand until I can get back on my feet. You have done everything you can since I came back and I thank you and only have more love for you than before, but I know that the love that you have for me would want to see
me happy and that is just not possible here. I would like to believe that this isn’t hitting you from out of the blue, but if it is I am sorry and I never intended on hurting you in a ny way. You once said that you would never put someone else’s happiness before yours and I feel I have to listen to those words and find my happiness even if it causes some unhappiness in the person that I love most in the world…you.

Your loving son,

If you could stay and get your finances in order that would be the best thing. Even having enough saved up to live for 6 months would help.

I moved to Florida (near Ft. Lauderdale) and I have been here 10 months and it is the best thing I have ever done in my life. I should have done it 10 years ago, or sooner, but I was not ready. I also saved enough so that I would not have to look for a job for a while. I've been a bum for a year now. I will start looking for work soon, hopefully.

I am so much happier now and I often think about how happy I am here. It takes away some of the homesickness, which there is honestly not that much. I almost feel bad for not missing my parents more than I do. I saw them in December and will not probably see them again until this December. The night before I moved here I broke down because I realized that it might be that last time I ever saw my mother since she is elderly and had been ill for many years. I speak to them every day. Mostly my father, because my mother has trouble speaking, and a bit of a foggy memory.

You need to do what makes you happy.

 

[rareboy]

I think just talking to her would be better.

The letter is melodramatic.

 

[BabiGayPimp]

It's a wonderful thing to realize that your ultimate happiness depends upon being in the right environment; one that nourishes your soul. However, I do have concerns about moving to a new city with no job, or other resources, hoping to get by on the kindness of friends. I'd rather see you stay put until you can work out a better plan. You could end up worse off by making such a drastic move unprepared.

 

[3nipples]

It's a good letter; very nicely written... but surely you're not intending to just take off and leave the letter as a good bye? You're going to go see her in person after she's read it, right?

Your move to Seattle sounds more like an escape and that is hardly ever a good thing. Of course I don't know your situation, but isn't it possible for you to plan this move better soi you can do it on your terms?.

 

[petereater]

Thank you all for your responses. I did indeed wait until after work today to give my mom the letter and I spoke to her first and said something about I love her and I have tried very hard to make myself happy in Louisville, but that it just wasn't working for me. As with coming out to her, she kinda replies that she knew she would see the day when I returned to Seattle and that what would make her happy is for me to be happy and that she has known I have not been so in a long time. I do not plan on leaving next week or next month. I realize that there are things that I need to take care of here before moving again. It was just the need to say it that was most pressing. It is someting I have needed to say for about two years now. Once again, thanks for all your support, this is really why I love JUB so much, the people in the community are honest, frank and supportive. Thank you all.

 

[G-Lexington]

Glad to hear it went well.

Lex

 

[Phydeaux]

...this is really why I love JUB so much, the people in the community are honest, frank and supportive. Thank you all.

Agreed.

I went through a real rough patch myself about a year and a half ago. Putting my thoughts into posts here helped me organize them in a very helpful way. It's amazing how people that you've never met and will never know can offer wisdom and support from a distance.

 

[Eagle653]

I'm so glad it went well and that you've gotten this off your chest. Now, you can plan in earnest and look forward to relocating back to the area you love.

Keep in touch with us and let us know how it's going and how you're doing.

 

[spencer]

I'm lost about why it's so bad to move to another city even if it means moving away from your mother. Especially since you didn't always live with your mother in the same city.

 

[thisisinteresting]

I live in the seattle area with fine credit and I can't find a job anywhere. Good luck.