Am I asking for too much, maybe?

[MMMonsterBoy]

I made a similar post like this weeks ago, but I've since felt the need to rant!

My boyfriend and I live about an hour and ten minutes away (45 in good traffic). We're in love and things are great. However, my biggest issue has me wondering all types of thoughts. My main concern is, interestingly, straight females being obsessed with him. Two of his friends, one who is best friend and the other some girl we just met.*

First, let me say I don't mind people that think he is hot. My guy is a lot of things, including sexy! I take it as a compliment. Plus he is gay...they're straight girls. I trust him anyhow, no matter the gender. The problem just comes down to general respect.*

I'll start with his best friend. The two have been friends since high school and they dated for about a week. Nothing serious, he doesn't count it...though they've drunkenly made out in the past. Flashforward to present and they're "like brother and sister." she's the other half, and vice versa. So it has, on occasion, put me in the 3rd wheel slot when I am with them. When he would come up to my campus, it would be them 3 ft ahead and me behind with my friends. He realizes, but it is feels like "oh yeah you're here." I talked to him about it when things went sour at a trip the 3 of us took. He says they try to include me, but I am quiet. Though he didn't get that I was quiet because I was angered. They talk about shit I wasn't there for with their inside stories. Often just talking to each other, 3rd wheeling me. Well recently I told him how I felt all along, which is that she has feelings for him. He said he felt that as well and that she believes things could work out between the two. He knows it is an ongoing problem, but isn't sure what to do.

Now I get along with her, she's given me some good advice on my boyfriend. Still, it is annoying to have to deal with the clinginess. Recently at a party I was not there for she was being very flirtatious with him. On the 'right' night I just feel like things could go really wrong, on her side.

Next I'll move onto this chick we met about two or three weeks ago. While she is aware of his sexuality, she was extremely attached to him at the gay festival we met at. Holding his hand, playful flirting, just going off them two. I asked him to come with me to find a friend so I wouldn't get lost, but his response was "I can't leave her by alone" despite her 60 million friends being present. I didn't feel like I was with my boyfriend with her around, with few exceptions. He at one point almost said he would do her, but I think he realized what he was saying.*It did get better towards the end where he found a balance. Anyhow, the girl is obsessed with him. She's always writing little love notes and dumb shit on his Facebook wall. He showed me a message of her begging for him to screw her. My thing is that he just allows it, and clearly she has no respect for me (the message she wrote him told him to leave me!). I think he thinks she is half kidding, and at times I do too...but she is obsessed. I am good at knowing these things, and she makes me uncomfortable. I don't like her and she's not welcome in my house.

She lives near me, not him, and the next time he come up I dont want to feel like he is coming up to see her and me. Why not come to see your boyfriend and then entertain guests later? I don't think he is flirting with her back either, but he acts oblivious to her constant begging of his junk.*

So would it be too much of me to ask him if it could just be us for a bit? We dont see each other every week given the hour distance between us, as well as other forces. So it just means a lot to be with just him. When he allows these type of things to happen, I feel like he doesn't appreciate me as his boyfriend, who he loves.*

Am I just being a jealous nitpicker? I admit I'll get jealous, but I know how to handle it. I don't feel this way about any of his other close friends. I do feel crazy that i am jealous of straight girls, but I just want to feel that he respects our relationship.*

Sorry for the rant! Please know that I don't want to break up with him. I just want to find a way to say this without looking controlling.*

 

[sixthson]

Based on what you said, it sounds like your bf likes playing games. He likes the attention the girls give him and he disregards what you think and feel. When you don't get to see each other very often and he wants to spend that time with others around, adoring him, something is wrong.

Are you clingy? It doesn't sound like it from what you wrote here, but only you can know that.

You say you don't want to lose him as a bf, so you will have to accept the fact that he chooses the attention of others over you. Keep communicating with him and if he keeps frustrating you, you will have to make some difficult decissions or settle for less than you want. Either way, I am sure it will not be easy for you.

Don't be a doormat.

 

[jaysizzles]

No, you're not being a jealous nitpicker. Your reactions seem valid, based upon what you said.

By all means...you and your bf should have some alone time and you are not wrong in any way to want it. When you bring it up to him though...just let him know that you'd really like a romantic weekend with him where you can just focus on the two of you for a change. Don't bring up all that baggage at the same time...just the plans of what you want to do with/to him.

His bff...well, she's part of the package and will be a major player in his life. You can gently suggest to your bf that sometimes you feel left out when they're together...but assure him that you like her and all. Continue to suck it up when he lapses though...remembering that he's going home with you.

The chick...flat out tell him exactly what you said here...that she's disrespectful to you, she's trying to come between the two of you and that you don't appreciate that he tolerates this behavior from her. This is the one thing that you should put your foot down on...and tolerate/overlook most of the rest. He should not allow anyone to disrespect you...as well he should put your feelings and concerns above all others. If he doesn't naturally realize this..you should let him know you expect this of him.

 

[Seasoned]

You want alone time with him. The first thing I would do is not agree to visits with him at your place that included his long time gal pal. They clearly leave you out of things.

He obviously likes the attention and perhaps likes moments out where he can be perceived as straight.

He's capable females mixed messages and some people like nothing better than a challenge.

There are only three choices here, four if you wish to include breaking up: the status quo, he changes, or you change.

I'd start with asking for what you want and developing your own circle of friends. Your bf sounds like my partner of 28 years (next week). He loves an entourage. Sometimes that's ok with me and sometimes it's not.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Thanks for the great replies. I appreciate it!

Based on what you said, it sounds like your bf likes playing games. *He likes the attention the girls give him and he disregards what you think and feel. *When you don't get to see each other very often and he wants to spend that time with others around, adoring him, something is wrong.
*
Are you clingy? *It doesn't sound like it from what you wrote here, but only you can know that.*
*
You say you don't want to lose him as a bf, so you will have to accept the fact that he chooses the attention of others over you. *Keep communicating with him and if he keeps frustrating you, you will have to make some difficult decissions or settle for less than you want. Either way, I am sure it will not be easy for you.
*
Don't be a doormat.

I'm not clingy and I try to give him his space. Of course I want all of his time and attention, but it is more of a fun fantasy than an expectation. He has his life, I have mine, but when they intertwine I don't want to feel like his friend.

No, you're not being a jealous nitpicker. *Your reactions seem valid, based upon what you said. *

By all means...you and your bf should have some alone time and you are not wrong in any way to want it. *When you bring it up to him though...just let him know that you'd really like a romantic weekend with him where you can just focus on the two of you for a change. *Don't bring up all that baggage at the same time...just the plans of what you want to do with/to him.

His bff...well, she's part of the package and will be a major player in his life. *You can gently suggest to your bf that sometimes you feel left out when they're together...but assure him that you like her and all. *Continue to suck it up when he lapses though...remembering that he's going home with you. *

The chick...flat out tell him exactly what you said here...that she's disrespectful to you, she's trying to come between the two of you and that you don't appreciate that he tolerates this behavior from her. *This is the one thing that you should put your foot down on...and tolerate/overlook most of the rest. *He should not allow anyone to disrespect you...as well he should put your feelings and concerns above all others. *If he doesn't naturally realize this..you should let him know you expect this of him.

I agree with this. His friend...it is just difficult to be around because I know how she feels about him. One time she subtly knocked down a gift a bought him..but you're right she is part of the package.

You want alone time with him. *The first thing I would do is not agree to visits with him at your place that included his long time gal pal. *They clearly leave you out of things.*

He obviously likes the attention and perhaps likes moments out where he can be perceived as straight. *

He's capable females mixed messages and some people like nothing better than a challenge.

There are only three choices here, four if you wish to include breaking up: the status quo, he changes, or you change.*

I'd start with asking for what you want and developing your own circle of friends. *Your bf sounds like my partner of 28 years (next week). *He loves an entourage. *Sometimes that's ok with me and sometimes it's not.

Yes, he loves attention. It is hard to deal with sometimes. Like how he still gets on Manhunt and still adds guys.*

I have my own group at school, but during the summer I don't see them. I do have a lot of time on my hands at this particular moment, but I still try to give him space.

And yes, he loves to be with a huge group. Due to our distance, I really just want to be with him. Continue to grow with him as my boyfriend.

 

[DigitalFudge]

Fuck all of that shit.

Really, there is no other way I can put it.

Fuck that.

Your boyfriend is obsessed with the attention he gets more than the relationship between the two of you. You make time for what is important. Point blank. Done.

He is making plenty of time to make sure he feeds his female counterparts and looks to be leaving you in the dust.

Let me make something blatantly clear. What I have said has nothing to do with boys, girls, boyfriends, or best friends. When you are in a relationship with someone, if it is your brother, best friend, or girlfriend you don't treat them like that.

It's disrespectful, inconsiderate and selfish. Things you don't want in any relationship with anyone.

 

[Willie Boy]

The two of you need to sit down and have a heartfelt talk. Tell him that group outings are ok sometimes (if you are willing to participate in them) but that you want alone time, with just the two of you as well. Help him understand how you truly feel as the 3rd wheel when its always the group. Just telling someone something doesn't always work, as the don't really get a clear picture. Describe to him what it feels like, be clear.

If after all that he doesn't want to deal with it...... maybe it is time to move on then.

 

[KLTboy]

I have to add my two cents here.

First I have to ask, how long have the two of you been in a relationship together?

It sounds like your boyfriend is very insecure. He seeks validation from you, friends (even female friends) and worst of all Manhunt.

If you want to be with him, you're going to need to sit him down and tell him what you WILL and WILL NOT tolerate. I for one would NOT tolerate this kind of behavior, ever. Like other posters have said, it is down right disrespectful to treat anyone like this. You are his boyfriend, but he pushes you off to the side any chance he gets. That's not right.

It sounds like you are a good person, with a good head on your shoulders. Do not let your boyfriend make you think twice about the qualities you want in a partner. You want those things for a reason. DO NOT settle for less.

Best of luck to you!

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Thanks again everyone! I took all of the advice to heart and put it to use.

So last night we talked. He explained to me how she informed him that she thought he was straight at first. She admitted to trying to get with him before finding out he had a boyfriend midway. Who tries to pick up on a guy, in rainbow beads mind you, at gay parade? I dont even...

Well I just let it all out with him. We didn't argue or anything, I just told him I felt about her and how he makes me feel. He had no idea that she was into him, but i pointed out all the signs for him. He suggested that if something like that happens again that I should just tell him then and there to steer him the right way.

He went on to tell me how fun she was and how he's trying to come up and hang with her. I told him we're going to have problems with her around; as well as we need to spend time as a couple.*

I asked him if he thought she was obsessed with him, and he just thinks she is being nice because she has no friends. But i know otherwise.*

I really don't want us to hang with her, but I can't tell him that. I hate making demands, actually I love them..but I hate looking demanding!

 

[Lube]

You're wasting your time.

He's a jerk for all the reasons others have posted here. You will not change him.

Dump him and move on before you get more attached. Good luck.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, if you're not number one priority in his head, you've got a problem.

What he knows is not the issue here, what you do is, all he has to do to put this right is tell the girls in question that you're the number one guy, and they need to respect that.

If he won't do that - problem. I've been in this position before, only it was my ex's straight best friend. Six years later, surprise surprise. I admit I got some perverse pleasure out of their implosion over the guy's closet issues.

But anyway. What are you willing to put up with? It's your life, your choice. Is he worth it, because I gotta tell ya, I'd never play second fiddle to some girl, let alone some random girl with an obvious agenda.

True you can't choose his friends for him, neither can you demand he stop seeing them, but if he knows how you feel, and does nothing to try and resolve things, that tells you exactly where you stand in his priorities.

A guy always speaks louder and more clearly with what he does, and in the end, it's still your life, and the choice is yours.

 

[rjmrjm21]

but I just want to feel that he respects our relationship.*

Sorry for the rant! Please know that I don't want to break up with him. I just want to find a way to say this without looking controlling.*

If he's really that hot, then, you're just going to have to get used to it and be miserable. Which, it sounds as if you are willing to share. Your man will probably cheat on you. You are wondering how you can tell him that you don't want him to be a womanizer, without sounding jealous? I'd just say, "I don't like it when women flirt with you. Could you not encourage them?"

At that point, he will probably play dumb and deny. If I were you, though, I'd find a man whose focus is on you and that can treat you like a king. Good luck with your decision!

 

[Willie Boy]

I asked him if he thought she was obsessed with him, and he just thinks she is being nice because she has no friends. But i know otherwise.*

Did you point this out to him, maybe show him your evidence that proves it? Or is your knowledge merely your opinion? Because it might be that, in your jealousy you are reading more into her behavior than what is actually there.

 

[hungrybrownbear]

Don't let anyone walk over you like that, no matter who it is.

 

[FuryOfFirestorm]

The dude plays games, he disrepects your feelings and he's too touchy-feely with his girlfriends.

DTMFA.