Am I Bad In Bed??

[fenix87]

So I really need some insight because this has happened twice.

I just got out of a long term monogamous relationship in July, and have had many sexual experiences since then. This has happened twice, with two different men, and I don't know if this is me or a common occurrence.

Both times I go on a date with these guys, we go back to my or his place, "netflix and chill", start making out and we're both really into each other. Then when we take off our clothes and start jacking each other, at some point (later on) the guy will be unable to cum. He'll then tell me "just cum". With the first guy I did and with the second guy I didn't. Of course I ask them and they say that there's nothing wrong. But is there? Do I suck in bed?

Keep in mind the eventually with the first guy we do get off. With the second guy, I don't know yet (it's super recent).

Why would I guy invite me to have sex, be really into it, and then pretty much back off at the last minute?

HELP!

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, if you've had many sexual experiences since you broke up why focus on these two?

 

[fenix87]

Because it's weird that someone would start to have sex with you and not get off. Isn't it?

 

[TX-Beau]

There are flaky guys in the universe, you've got no problem with the majority, chalk it up to flaky guys and go back to fucking the rest.

 

[TX-Beau]

I've had several guys who would NOT let me touch them anywhere, they just wanted me to lay there and get blown. I didn't assume this was about me.

 

[fenix87]

Tbh Tx-Beau I'm dealing with self-confidence issues. My ex was jealous, controlling and emotionally abusive. He was also my first (and thus far) only relationship. I feel like a freaking 18 year old kid in terms of sex...even though I'm almost 29.

 

[eastofeden]

Tbh Tx-Beau I'm dealing with self-confidence issues. My ex was jealous, controlling and emotionally abusive. He was also my first (and thus far) only relationship. I feel like a freaking 18 year old kid in terms of sex...even though I'm almost 29.

The self confidence issues most likely existed before you ever met your ex and they are probably why you picked him....

..and some people don't know what turns them on until they learn..and since a lot of people aren't upfront and frank about their desires due to shame and guilt.....honest with themselves or their partners...sexual incompatibility is common....

As TX-Beau said...don't assume it is about you....because you are adding to your self confidence issue with that thought...assuming you are doing something wrong...

 

[TX-Beau]

Tbh Tx-Beau I'm dealing with self-confidence issues. My ex was jealous, controlling and emotionally abusive. He was also my first (and thus far) only relationship. I feel like a freaking 18 year old kid in terms of sex...even though I'm almost 29.

People need time to learn their bodies. Hallmark would have you think it's all instinct, but it's not. This is why I got to a point where I wasn't interested in virgins. Because they didn't have the experience to know themselves.

There are going to be guys who have their own issues, and you should never assume that a guy's issues are your fault. You don't know the guy and don't know what fucked up shit is in his head. Which is also where dating a bunch of guys comes in handy, because you learn the signs, the red flags, the little things that mean issues.

If this is a problem that is really on your mind, slow down, until you are mentally and emotionally in a place that gives you some perspective.

Go out on dates, but don't have sex, not until you are comfortable doing so.

 

[tarallucci]

Why would I guy invite me to have sex, be really into it, and then pretty much back off at the last minute?

It's not always easy to get involved with someone you don't really know, even after "chilling". For me personally, getting to know someone's character and look all in a matter of minutes while having to enjoy sex is fairly difficult because I distract myself, one reason hook-ups are no good for me.

But maybe these guys who did this with you are really not into you and don't feel like concluding.

 

[KaraBulut]

Tbh Tx-Beau I'm dealing with self-confidence issues. My ex was jealous, controlling and emotionally abusive. He was also my first (and thus far) only relationship. I feel like a freaking 18 year old kid in terms of sex...even though I'm almost 29.

Perhaps these "Netflix and chill" NSA encounters aren't your thing.

The time might be better spent working on yourself- seeing a therapist to work through your history of an abusive relationship and your self-confidence issues?

 

[fenix87]

Tarallucci and Kara Bulut, it wasn't a hookup. We had our second date and he invited me back to his place to watch tv and drink wine. To me that usually means we're going to chill but at some point in the evening we will have sex.

I don't do hookups/ NSA either. I like to get to know people at least a little bit before we have sex and I'd like to keep seeing them afterwards. I don't like to just throw people away unless their toxic. I actually believe that most people are inherently good, which is what probably gets me in trouble most of the time, but I'll keep believing it.

I still don't understand why you would invite someone over to your place, go through an hour (or two?) of foreplay, start having sex....and then not get off. That's like cooking a meal and not actually eating it...idk, as some of you said I don't know what's going on in his head. He seemed interested me on the first date, during dinner on this second date and all throughout being at his place.

Anyways, I'll try and give up thinking about this.

 

[KaraBulut]

Tarallucci and Kara Bulut, it wasn't a hookup.

My suggestion would still be the same: work on yourself and your own issues instead of trying to figure what is wrong with yourself through another person's eyes.

 

[Georgiadude]

is there any chance they were on medications that make it difficult for them to cum? some blood pressure medications and anti depressants make it near impossible for some guys to finish. me being one of them. there are times it's not an issue and times I can last forever and not finish. it doesn't mean I didn't have a good time or didn't enjoy the sex. I honestly have just as much fun as if I came. it's about the intimacy or sensations I'm experiencing. in fact sometimes I'll hold off because once I cum I'm done. I'd rather keep playing and not cum than have it end quickly. it probably doesn't have anything to do with you at all.

Steven

 

[PalacePaul]

is there any chance they were on medications that make it difficult for them to cum? some blood pressure medications and anti depressants make it near impossible for some guys to finish. me being one of them. there are times it's not an issue and times I can last forever and not finish. it doesn't mean I didn't have a good time or didn't enjoy the sex. I honestly have just as much fun as if I came. it's about the intimacy or sensations I'm experiencing. in fact sometimes I'll hold off because once I cum I'm done. I'd rather keep playing and not cum than have it end quickly. it probably doesn't have anything to do with you at all.

Steven

It's happened to me in the past, too... more than once. I could be with a guy I like, have a good time with him, but in the end I couldn't cum. I noticed it usually happened on our first time; if I had a second time with the same guy the problem was over. And the more I thought of it, I got more anxious and it got worse.
So no, it's not about you.

 

[Seasoned]

Sometimes the mind takes over and doesn't let the body perform. It's just can be as simple as the fact that we're not machines.

 

[Rolyo85]

Tarallucci and Kara Bulut, it wasn't a hookup. We had our second date and he invited me back to his place to watch tv and drink wine. To me that usually means we're going to chill but at some point in the evening we will have sex.

I don't do hookups/ NSA either. I like to get to know people at least a little bit before we have sex and I'd like to keep seeing them afterwards. I don't like to just throw people away unless their toxic. I actually believe that most people are inherently good, which is what probably gets me in trouble most of the time, but I'll keep believing it.

I still don't understand why you would invite someone over to your place, go through an hour (or two?) of foreplay, start having sex....and then not get off. That's like cooking a meal and not actually eating it...idk, as some of you said I don't know what's going on in his head. He seemed interested me on the first date, during dinner on this second date and all throughout being at his place.

Anyways, I'll try and give up thinking about this.

Ok.

1. "We're going to chill but at some point in the evening we will have sex" can be as much a hook up/NSA thing as "hey, come over, I wanna fuck you." I also like my casual sex with a human element, so literally all my hook ups are like what you describe, except with return customers, where sometimes we just have sex, or even *gasp* hang out as friends without fucking. Try not to have NSA-shame, it's unattractive and heteronormative.

2. You aren't saying what you guys were actually doing when they didn't finish.
- Were you just jerking off? I have VERY RARELY been able to get off this way with another guy in the room. No clue why, since I do it three times a day by myself with no trouble, but a part of my brain refuses to let me finish when someone is watching/participating.
- Were you bottoming and they topping, and they couldn't finish? That just happens, and there can be a billion reasons for it. Sometimes they are too tired and it didn't register until halfway into it (sex is a lot of cardio if done right). Sometimes they just weren't feeling all that sexual today, even though they still felt horny. Sometimes they are getting sick, like a cold or flu or whatever, and it's too early to feel, but their body knows and is shutting systems down. This btw applies to any of the other bullet points.
- Were you topping? Because PLENTY of bottoms can't come while getting fucked. And many can't but don't want to, because they are enjoying the prostate stimulation. As a pretty much exclusive top, I have had many guys like that. They know that if they come, the sex will have to end pretty soon after, and they don't want that. They'd rather jerk off when YOU are done. Or they get off mentally on getting you off and genuinely don't care whether they do or don't.

Either way, this has NOTHING to do with you, and if they tell you, take them at their word. MANY guys don't think the actual act of ejaculating is the alpha and omega of sex. Just because it seems weird to you, doesn't mean it's not perfectly normal to them not to cum every time they have sex. If then they cut contact, it could STILL mean you didn't do anything wrong and they were just looking for a one time thing.

But you know what is unattractive 100% of the time? Being insecure.

 

[fenix87]

Ok.

1. "We're going to chill but at some point in the evening we will have sex" can be as much a hook up/NSA thing as "hey, come over, I wanna fuck you." I also like my casual sex with a human element, so literally all my hook ups are like what you describe, except with return customers, where sometimes we just have sex, or even *gasp* hang out as friends without fucking. Try not to have NSA-shame, it's unattractive and heteronormative.

2. You aren't saying what you guys were actually doing when they didn't finish.
- Were you just jerking off? I have VERY RARELY been able to get off this way with another guy in the room. No clue why, since I do it three times a day by myself with no trouble, but a part of my brain refuses to let me finish when someone is watching/participating.
- Were you bottoming and they topping, and they couldn't finish? That just happens, and there can be a billion reasons for it. Sometimes they are too tired and it didn't register until halfway into it (sex is a lot of cardio if done right). Sometimes they just weren't feeling all that sexual today, even though they still felt horny. Sometimes they are getting sick, like a cold or flu or whatever, and it's too early to feel, but their body knows and is shutting systems down. This btw applies to any of the other bullet points.
- Were you topping? Because PLENTY of bottoms can't come while getting fucked. And many can't but don't want to, because they are enjoying the prostate stimulation. As a pretty much exclusive top, I have had many guys like that. They know that if they come, the sex will have to end pretty soon after, and they don't want that. They'd rather jerk off when YOU are done. Or they get off mentally on getting you off and genuinely don't care whether they do or don't.

Either way, this has NOTHING to do with you, and if they tell you, take them at their word. MANY guys don't think the actual act of ejaculating is the alpha and omega of sex. Just because it seems weird to you, doesn't mean it's not perfectly normal to them not to cum every time they have sex. If then they cut contact, it could STILL mean you didn't do anything wrong and they were just looking for a one time thing.

But you know what is unattractive 100% of the time? Being insecure.

Thank you for your response but your last sentence was unnecessary. I know it's unattractive, and I'm trying to improve that. But I'm insecure because I've been emotionally and physically abused all my life: first by my father and then by my ex-husband. Of course I'm insecure.

 

[mcbrion]

Have you tried therapy, as suggested by KaraBulut? Because if you were abused by your father, you will continue to pick guys who hurt you. And the nice ones you'll push away because "what does it say about them that they like me?" The cry of the insecure every time. If you're doing the work to erase that tape that plays in your mind, that is all to the better. But seeing as how you've picked 2 guys out of all the guys you've had sex with, and are focusing on why they didn't get off, says you are not free of judging yourself as though this is a job with a "finish line." They're people and they may have their own stuff. Or, knowing that you almost insist they cum turns them off, because they just wanted to enjoy the experience, and are not 'goal-oriented,' as you seem to be. I've dated a few insecure men, and they didn't insist I orgasm in order to make THEM feel okay about themselves. Insecurity is a condition. It can be shaped into something less anxiety-making if you work on it. Obsessing over why 2 out of say, 50, guys didn't orgasm? That will make you completely unhappy and it will get worse the longer you let it fester, so I hope you are doing the therapy to confront this undesirable message playing on the tape buried in your subconscious. And I hope you success in being more at peace with yourself.

 

[fenix87]

I am in therapy and i don't understand why some if you are so mean and bitter about someone going through very deep issues. What you see in 99% of your reply completely invalidates your "hope" for my success.

 

[Rolyo85]

I am in therapy and i don't understand why some if you are so mean and bitter about someone going through very deep issues. What you see in 99% of your reply completely invalidates your "hope" for my success.

You post a topic titled "am I bad in bed", then you get angry at the people telling you that it's very unlikely that you are. And you do exactly the same thing that you have done with the guys you've hooked up with - you cherry pick the little negative moments instead of focusing on the far bigger positive ones, and blow them out of proportion. The time you spent being offended at my last sentence could have been far better spent actually responding to the rest of my post and figuring out whether there was any problem with those dudes in the first place.

Nobody here is out to get you, and there's not a single post here that can be dubbed as "bitter" You should ask yourself whether you are deliberately looking for reasons to feel persecuted. It's good that you are aware of your insecurities, but that also allows you to check yourself before you fall into the patterns they create.