Am I being sensible or insecure?

[drewthesaltyboy]

I have a friend that I lived with at school for a year, who is also gay. We became close, and eventually started doing everything together blah blah blah. Eventually my bf of 5 months next week became apart of our little circle. Basically we would go out together...usually just the 3 of us unless anyone else came. A couple months into our relationship the two of them started texting back and forth. From what I'm aware it's usually my friend asking my bf for advice on guys or just trivial small talk of what the plans are for the weekend etc.

My bf even told me he invited my friend to hang out one day just the two of them. And now, knowing I can't go out this weekend because of work, my friend invited my bf out to the gay club with a group of non-mutual friends. He responded, "Maybe unless Drew (referring to me) comes over tonight."

Or here's a good one, a couple times when we were going out and I was driving I would notice them texting each other giggling while we're all in the same car. My bf claims that neither of them flirt with each other but I don't read their texts so I obviously wouldn't know.

Now, while my bf is a bit older than I am, we have each others trust. But sometimes the small things he does make me feel a little insecure and even hurt. Am I crazy or do I have a right to feel like this?

 

[altlover85]

I think you might want to relax a little bit. I can be insecure and I know it would bother me, but I don't think I'd make a huge issue out of it, assuming that you trust your boyfriend.

 

[drewthesaltyboy]

I trust him but I don't think any person can be trusted 100%. Despite the symbiotic connection between humans as a whole, we are all our own person with the freedom to do what we want. I just don't think a couple should share close friends like that. A line needs to be drawn somewhere and I feel like he's crossed it. Out of respect for the person you love, you shouldn't want to interfere with each other's friendships. And he has interfered to an extent, because I no longer have the same bond between a once close friend. Instead of texting me, he texts my bf... which has become the case.

 

[drewthesaltyboy]

Sounds really fishy to me. For one thing, there's no reason to text with someone else in the same car if you're not trying to hide the conversation from a third person. That's a blatant show of disrespect for you and your relationship and they're deliberately excluding you from whatever their conversation is, whether it's innocent or not. There's no absolutely reason to do that. That alone would have pissed me off and I would have had words with one or both of them after that. (And those words would probably have been "Get the fuck out of this car.")

Second, going to a club when you're in a relationship is not cool. Going with your boyfriend and a group of friends is one thing. But going with someone who's not your boyfriend, whether they're going 'together' or not is also terribly disrespectful to the relationship.

It really doesn't matter how much you trust someone, there's only so much shady bullshit they can pull before it undermines that trust. I'm presuming you're all relatively young and when you're young you do stupid stuff, (which isn't to say that you can't continue doing stupid stuff if you live to be 113...) and it all seems perfectly reasonable and justifiable at the time. My advice is just look out for yourself. And let your bf and/or your friend know that their behavior is making you uncomfortable.

You have no idea how much I wanted to scream at them in the car those couple nights.

I agree with the bold completely. I've done some shady things earlier on in the relationship, but I would at least own up to it once I realized it was wrong. He owns up to his faults rarely ever.

And to note, I'm 19 and he's 30.

 

[shastamc24]

Yeah, this sounds kind of sketchy....

 

[Rolyo85]

It isn't necessarily sketchy, but it is disrespectful. You should talk to both of them about it, separately, not in a demanding way, but to express your distaste with certain things. You don't want to be the jealous girlfriend in the situation, but they also should be aware that there are boundaries that when crossed make you feel uncomfortable.

The texting in the car is a total bullshit, and extremely rude. I'd have called them out on it with some scathing sarcastic comment.

 

[Seasoned]

Giggling in the car while texting someone in the same car at age 30? Just sayin.'

 

[Sigma-taylor-E]

Ok this sounds a bit sketchy I would suggest you bring up the matter between the two of them in a very calm and respectful way.

 

[Eagle653]

Giggling in the car while texting someone in the same car at age 30? Just sayin.'

This was my thought exactly. Their behavior sounds very immature, or insensitive.

I don't know whether you're sensible, insecure, or anything, but I can tell you that their behavior can make anyone paranoid or insecure. Find a way to gracefully tell your bf that it's not appreciated, without blaming any of the three of you. Second, I'd jettison the third wheel in your relationship. Stop including him in everything and spend more dedicated time by yourselves, or with other people for a while. Steadily redefine your relationship with him as the TWO of you, not the three of you.

Good luck. I think a slight mid-course correction is in order here.

 

[drewthesaltyboy]

Second, I'd jettison the third wheel in your relationship. Stop including him in everything and spend more dedicated time by yourselves, or with other people for a while. Steadily redefine your relationship with him as the TWO of you, not the three of you.

Good luck. I think a slight mid-course correction is in order here.

I confronted just my bf about the situation and we decided on this. He promised me that he wouldn't text the third party anymore.

On a side note, I did discover that he slept with a guy he met at the club a couple years ago. Before this he had told me that I was the only guy he had ever slept with. He was so disgusted by it that he was embarrassed to tell me. I knew he was lying to me but I didn't want to make any accusations. I'm trying not to be the jealous/demanding gf but sometimes he's questionable.

 

[Rolyo85]

That doesn't sound like a good resolution at all. They're already friends, he can't just stop texting the other guy. And I do t believe for a second that he will

 

[drewthesaltyboy]

He was so disgusted about it that he was embarrassed to tell you? Somehow I doubt that is the reason.

When asked he replied, "It was just his age and stuff lol." He also said that he took 3 showers when he got home.
The guy he slept with is 10 years older than him.

Still the only reason I think he might be disgusted was by not using a condom but he said he did when I asked him.
Initially when I asked him, he said "only the head was in." More recently when we talked about it in detail he said he fucked the shit out of him.

He doesn't plainly lie to me but I do catch him on little things where he says one thing then later says something slightly different. It's very difficult to read him because he treats me like a prince when we're together and he claims to love me so much. He's done and sacrificed a lot for me, but when he does questionable things like this it confuses me. Could he be putting on a show?

 

[Sigma-taylor-E]

When asked he replied, "It was just his age and stuff lol." He also said that he took 3 showers when he got home.
The guy he slept with is 10 years older than him.

Still the only reason I think he might be disgusted was by not using a condom but he said he did when I asked him.
Initially when I asked him, he said "only the head was in." More recently when we talked about it in detail he said he fucked the shit out of him.

He doesn't plainly lie to me but I do catch him on little things where he says one thing then later says something slightly different. It's very difficult to read him because he treats me like a prince when we're together and he claims to love me so much. He's done and sacrificed a lot for me, but when he does questionable things like this it confuses me. Could he be putting on a show?

Those are huge red flags. If you don't, or cannot trust him; would suggest you leave. A relationship built on lies, has no foundations.

 

[HunterM]

Based on you have shared, there is a pattern of lying on his part. You know he is not going to stop lying to you, right?

Either you put up with him and don't complain about it or get the hell out of this relationship and spare yourself the drama.

 

[drewthesaltyboy]

Based on you have shared, there is a pattern of lying on his part. You know he is not going to stop lying to you, right?

Either you put up with him and don't complain about it or get the hell out of this relationship and spare yourself the drama.

It's hard when you love someone so much to do that.... especially when they claim they're going to work on their issues.

I went to his house for a little bit after work last night and he told me the story of how he met/hooked up with this so called guy. The story he told me was different from the one he told me before. Turns out that he saw him more than once, which is what he initially told me. I waited til I was home to call him and call him out on all his lies he's been telling me.

I was on the brink of tears and I demanded he tell me the truth and to stop keeping secrets and telling lies. He then told me that he actually had another secret. He didn't elaborate on it at all, but he said he did bottom for 3 guys as well. One of which was the one he topped (the one he claimed to have sex with only once but had many encounters with).

Now we're 6 months into the relationship, and he's lied to me about having sex with other men from day one. In the first 45 minutes of our first encounter he claimed that he's never been with a guy, just girls. And because of those secrets, many other lies have stemmed from it. All because he didn't want to tell me something in his past? He tells me he's going to seriously work on it because he refuses to lose me. At this point, however, I'm not even sure who I know. He doesn't see the big picture like I do. The point is, he can lie to my face without even thinking about it. From someone that has spent their whole life deceiving people , I can testify to this kind of behavior. But with him, I don't lie because I love him. It's natural to tell him anything and everything. The fact that he claims to love me yet he still can lie so much (even about little things), is questionable to me. I don't want to break his heart, or mine but I don't know what to do at this point. I told him I'm taking a step back emotionally until I reevaluate our relationship.

I trust that he hasn't cheated on me with someone while we've been together, but I'm starting to think he might be a pathological liar. He lies to impress me. He saw from the moment I met him that I had high expectations, so he stretched the truth and kept key things a secret from me. Because of that, like I said, many other lies had to be created to cover up those secrets. I told him point blank, if this is the case then he wasn't (and maybe still isn't) being himself around me. He's too afraid that I'm going to leave him because of his mistakes and shortcomings. So he tries to act like the perfect bf to me.

 

[Eagle653]

The lying is going to be an issue in your relationship, until it is resolved.

It's impossible for any of us to tell, from afar, what's going on. Only you can evaluate and judge that. I would only recommend that you use your obvious intelligence and your honed instincts to do that.

Lying can have many roots...from fear to severe psychological disturbances. Many of us who were closeted for long periods of our lives got very adept at lying and covering tracts to protect ourselves and our "reputations." Other lies come out of fear because the liar is afraid of their own truths--and your reaction to them.

One of the simplest things to do would sit him down, have a judgmental-free hour, and come clean on everything. And, set an expectation that your relationship is going to be based, hence-forth, on complete honesty because it's important to you and your definition of his integrity. At the end of the day, truth and honesty defines our character and our moral core. It's the foundation of our integrity. He needs to understand this, and how important it is to you (and ultimately to him).

Then, if he buys into that and you're satisfied, then proceed forward. In your own mind, he's obviously on probation, and you will instinctively verify what he says for a while. If he does come clean, and grows and learns to trust you that you can handle his truthfulness, then he will earn your trust and respect. If he cannot, then you know he can't be trusted and you then deal with THAT reality.

You obviously have strong positive feelings for him. In that case, I think he's worth the effort to try to turn around on this issue. I wouldn't give up that quickly on someone I cared about because they had this particular flaw. I would, though, want the flaw to go away and work toward that by proving I can handle the truth that they tell. If, after a period, it's proven he cannot, or will not, change and be trustworthy, then I would change the relationship. But, at least then I will have done so knowing I did everything I could and made that future decision based on non-refutable information.

Good luck to you. I know this isn't easy.

 

[Corny]

Second, going to a club when you're in a relationship is not cool. Going with your boyfriend and a group of friends is one thing. But going with someone who's not your boyfriend, whether they're going 'together' or not is also terribly disrespectful to the relationship.

while I agree with some of the other stuff, that part made me twitch. why the heck would that not be ok either you trust him or you don't. it would be something else if he would go there behind your back. but in this instance ... hey your partner should be allowed to go out ... without you.

 

[HunterM]

The point is, he can lie to my face without even thinking about it. From someone that has spent their whole life deceiving people , I can testify to this kind of behavior. But with him, I don't lie because I love him. It's natural to tell him anything and everything. The fact that he claims to love me yet he still can lie so much (even about little things), is questionable to me. I don't want to break his heart, or mine but I don't know what to do at this point. I told him I'm taking a step back emotionally until I reevaluate our relationship.

So you don't want to break his heart...he has already broken yours over and over again with all of his lies. There is a pattern of behavior here.

And exactly how is he going to work on it? Did you tell you his plan of action? Unless he is going to therapy soon to seek professional help, he's lying to you.

You may love him; he does not love you back with his own actions. You don't want to hurt him; you're the one that is being hurt by his actions. Actions speak louder than words.

A relationship requires trust and respect to be successful. Does your relationship have trust and respect?

 

[drewthesaltyboy]

So you don't want to break his heart...he has already broken yours over and over again with all of his lies. There is a pattern of behavior here.

Well, this will be the first time he's broken my heart. The lies are now just coming to the surface even though I've suspected them from day one. Here's me trying not to be the jealous gf by making accusations all the time. I decided to put my trust in him and not question what he tells me. Up until recently that is...

And exactly how is he going to work on it? Did you tell you his plan of action? Unless he is going to therapy soon to seek professional help, he's lying to you.

You may love him; he does not love you back with his own actions. You don't want to hurt him; you're the one that is being hurt by his actions. Actions speak louder than words.

A relationship requires trust and respect to be successful. Does your relationship have trust and respect?

He assured me that he would not keep anything from me anymore and that if he fucked it up again, he would walk away.
I don't doubt that he loves me, but I think he has psychological flaw when it comes to telling the truth. Like many closeted people, you become adept to lying. Why he would lie about past events with other guys still puzzles me. He claims over and over again it was out of embarrassment. I told him straight up that I think that's a bullshit excuse.

Someone else told me... "If he lied about his past, then there might be something he's trying to hide in the present."

Trust and respect go hand in hand obviously. If he can lie to me, then he doesn't respect me. And up until now, I thought our relationship had that.

 

[HunterM]

He assured me that he would not keep anything from me anymore and that if he fucked it up again, he would walk away.

Here's another interpretation of what he said, "If I fucked up again, I would dump you." You have no say in the matter. So in this relationship, it's all about him and not about both of you. What if you want to work it out with him the next time? Not that you would...but it's a tell tale sign on his perspective/psyche in this relationship.

His psychological flaw needs to be resolved by a professional...to get to the bottom of his reasons for lying. If not, you can bet there will be the next time...and the next time...and the next time...until you stop enabling him to take you for granted. He cannot fix himself because it is a lot deeper than he thinks. He does not have the tool/knowledge to deal with his own problems. It's kind of like an addiction. Otherwise, he would not have lied to you to begin with.

So, you have a choice to continue this relationship without getting help. Or continue this relationship with professional help to work it out for you both. Or walk away to find someone else.