Am I being too passive?

[MMMonsterBoy]

It has been about 12 or 13 weeks since I came out to my mother. As predicted, coming out to her did not go so well. While she did not disown me, every time it was mentioned (on her behalf) fights would ensure. Towards the end I knew I woud be going back to campus where I wouldn't have to deal with it so I kind of mellowed out.

My mother has been hit by a giant bus of denial. She'll call me and ask 'do you have a girlfriend?' When I tell her 'no,' she askes 'why?' To prevent an argument, I usually just either change topics or tell her I have a meeting for the newspaper and have to go. Recently I decided to request her on Facebook, my way of being more open with her. I have lots of female friends and she asked me 'You don't find anyone of them attractive?' I give her my usual response. She is in heavy denial and literally acts as though I never told her. She tells me to bring home a girlfriend....

Am I being too passive? Do I have to reiterate the reality to her that I am gay? I did that once when I was at home, and she got really angry and told me to get out. It can be awfully frustrating. One week she sent me an email about the dangers of HIV/AIDS. There is no harm in that, but she only did it because I am gay...and she is certain because of that I will get the illness if I 'choose' to be gay.

I'm fortunate that my mom is still playing her role as my mother, but her denial is very annoying. I don't know how to react to her because no matter what I say I feel like it can only make things worse.

I'm not back in the closet or anything, I just don't know how...or at least when, to give her a dose of reality.

 

[gsdx]

It's going to take time. Many parents who have difficulty dealing with a child 'coming out' spend more time trying to figure out what they did to make their child gay than trying to accept it.

 

[Lube]

Sure, you can back off for a couple months to let her try to come to grips with it. Beyond that, letting her continue in denial accomplishes nothing.

If you continue to be passive she will continue what she's doing, because she thinks it's working. In her own perverted way.

 

[iiiset]

Oh, it's so sad to hear about and so sad to see.

I sympathize with parents. They were told having children would be all adorable babies when they were in their 20s, all high-achieving teens when they were in their 30s, and attentive caretakers when they were in their 60s. They didn't sign up for all the unhappiness parenting inevitably brings.

VHEM!

 

[Esquire0399]

Man, I know exactly what you're going through. I even had a thread here about it. It feels like she doesn't even remember the coming out at all, like it was all some sort of dream. To be honest, that played a big role in my moving out of my parents' house (that and the homophobe that is my otherwise awesome father). I really, really hope things get better between you and your mom. Please do me and yourself a favor and don't let her remain in denial for 13 months like I have. Good luck to you bud, really. I know how tough it is to live in constant tension with your mom AFTER coming out.

 

[LGNTexas]

Give it time. I didn't come out until after 3 failed engagements to be married with women. My mother really didn't like any of them and later when I brought home men, didn't think they were "good enough", either. Mothers will always be mothers and don't want their children hurt. My father actually accepted me better and really liked a lover I had who shared many of his interests....they could sit and talk for hours. My mother and I really became close when she was dying of cancer and I had the "time" to be a caretaker more-so than my hetero brother and sister who had their big families to care for, too.

 

[MMMonsterBoy]

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I've accepte that I will have to be patient with her. She claims that she will never be okay with it, but I am fairly certain she will one day. I just wish she would acknowledge that I am gay. My mother does not know that I've been sexual with guys, so she thinks there is still a window of opportunity for me to be interested in girls...even though I told her it won't happen. Whenever my sexuality comes up we always end up in an arguement, no matter how calm I can be. So I can't imagine what would happen if I told her I've been with more than one guy sexually.

 

[bendted]

Bring home a boyfriend or have a date come to the house while she is there. Great him with a kiss. If she STILL can't piece together the puzzle then there is no hope for her.

 

[altlover85]

I think reiterating that you are gay at least once a week is probably a good idea if she keeps up with her denial. If she asks questions that frustrate you, simply say I'm gay, and leave it at that.

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[rareboy]

Bring your boyfriend home.

That should shut her up.

 

[Lube]

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I've accepte that I will have to be patient with her. She claims that she will never be okay with it, but I am fairly certain she will one day. I just wish she would acknowledge that I am gay. My mother does not know that I've been sexual with guys, so she thinks there is still a window of opportunity for me to be interested in girls...even though I told her it won't happen. Whenever my sexuality comes up we always end up in an arguement, no matter how calm I can be. So I can't imagine what would happen if I told her I've been with more than one guy sexually.

Lots of drama...and then she'd probably give up.

The problem is you keep giving her a thread to hang on to. She's thinking, "well, he's never actually had sex with a guy, so maybe he's just confused."

See?

You need to brutally honest with her. "Mom, I've had sex with 12 guys and 0 girls. I love sex with men! I want to do it forever! I want to settle down with a man and adopt children!" or whatever.

So, yes, you are being too passive. Just what you thought all along.