Am I entitled to feel hurt/pissed off?

[SayWhat]

I made the mistake of falling for my best friend. I'm sure everyone that's read my various other posts on here has put two and two together on that one.

He's said in the past that he's straight, but his behavior toward me has always made me think otherwise. He talks about us like a couple. As if we'll be living together forever. Any time he talks about something in the future, it's "we". Between that, the way he touches me, and all the "I love you's", I guess I let my imagination run a little wild.

I know there is a girl that he's been casually sleeping with. I honestly don't mind the idea of him having casual sex with some random girl.

The thing is, he recently started being very secretive about things. He hid all of his tagged photos on Facebook and started posting really mysterious statuses. I asked him about them once, just in passing, and he got all defensive and didn't want to explain them.

I was sitting next to him while he was on Facebook the other day and I saw that there was a photo tagged of him and this girl holding their hands together to form a heart. There were others where the girl had posted possessive "boyfriend" type captions and comments from over a month ago.

It's a little jolting to see that he's emotionally involved with someone else, I'll admit. But the fact that he always explained it as an emotionless fling and criticized how clingy she was, and all the sudden these "couple"-type things are popping up... I'm more hurt by the fact that this has been an ongoing lie, and I'm suddenly feeling very distant from my "best friend". Why would he lie about this?!

Any feedback would be great. Thanks!

 

[NineOfClubs]

My advice is to abandon him and move on. It will hurt, but what else is there to do?

 

[SayWhat]

My advice is to abandon him and move on. It will hurt, but what else is there to do?

That's my gut instinct, but I wasn't sure if it was just my emotional bias.

Thanks!

 

[NineOfClubs]

Don't take my advice as gospel.

I'm sure other JUB guys will have something to add.

I was just speaking from my background and I wish it could be different for you...

 

[KaraBulut]

It's a little jolting to see that he's emotionally involved with someone else, I'll admit. But the fact that he always explained it as an emotionless fling and criticized how clingy she was, and all the sudden these "couple"-type things are popping up... I'm more hurt by the fact that this has been an ongoing lie, and I'm suddenly feeling very distant from my "best friend". Why would he lie about this?!

Straight guys go through the same thing when their straight friends meet girls, get engaged, get married and start making babies. At some point, they're so busy with the girlfriend/kids/house/work that they don't have time to hang out with the guys any more.

Why would he lie?

Probably because he knew that you wouldn't take it very well.

And you know- it's probably a sign of where you should be at in your own life- finding a guy, getting serious and having lots of hotsweatysex. It just ain't gonna be with your straight friend.

 

[Seasoned]

Whether justified or not you are entitled to all of your feelings. Feelings come and go. Feelings are based upon our perceptions and we can't control them. What we can control are our reactions to our feelings. You are hurt and/or mad because your friend is more romanticly involved with a female than previously believed. He had given the impression that he was emotionally attached to you.

Perhaps he's bi leaning straight rather than gay. His expressions of affection towards you led you to believe the opposite. It's pretty clear that he sees his future with a woman. Why not try to have a conversation that let's him know that his behavior is a bit odd? Ask him why he is hiding his romantic feelings for her from you.

If the two of you have been sexual it's a different story. If that's the case then your mental well being comes first. Anytime the worry about a relationship approaches the pleasure of a relationship in terms of time spent the continuance of the relationship leads to co-dependency, which is a creepy overtaking of your emotional health.

Try to sort this out if you don't want to lose a friend. Right or wrong, if the feelings remain and are interferring with your well being, you must think of yourself first. Best wishes to you.

 

[SayWhat]

Straight guys go through the same thing when their straight friends meet girls, get engaged, get married and start making babies. At some point, they're so busy with the girlfriend/kids/house/work that they don't have time to hang out with the guys any more.

That's where this gets really odd. I didn't suspect this because we haven't been spending time together. We're together just as much as we've always been. He only sees her during his lunch breaks from work. The only time he sees her on the weekends is if I've already made plans with other people. Otherwise, we do things together all weekend.

And it's weird because if he developed feelings for her, you'd think he'd stop touching me as much. But in the last several weeks he's started touching me more frequently and more sexual-like. He's also started making a lot of "joking" comments about us sexually.

It's almost like he's running in opposite directions at full speed.

 

[benlemieux2003]

In response to the title of your thread, yeah, I think you're entitled to feel hurt and pissed off.

I've been going through the same situation with my straight best friend from high school days whom I loved very much back then and for years on afterwards. We were very close. But ever since his girlfriend got in the picture, his life got set for the next 50 years and he practically cut communication, even though I tried real hard to maintain our friendship. Hell he lived within an hour's drive up until recently and I saw my overseas friends more often in the past 2 years.

I know how hard it is to feel this hurt by someone you loved, someone you wanted to "keep" as a piece of your emotional history. But fact is if he really loved you as a friend and cared as much as you did, he would have given a damn.

Having been through that myself made me feel frustrated I invested so much time, money and energy in this guy. Instead now I'm focused on my boyfriend and my straight pals who don't make me feel like an intruder in their lives.

Hope that helps bro.

 

[KaraBulut]

It's almost like he's running in opposite directions at full speed.

That's probably a good analogy for what is going on.

Here's the thing- if someone is working really hard to be straight and have a girlfriend, there's little that you can do.

What is underlying this is your mixed feelings about this guy. You want him to be something that he- consciously or subconsciously- is trying hard not to be. You could wait a day, a week, a year, a lifetime until he works through whatever is going on.

But most guys who have been through this will tell you that you're better off just moving on and not waiting.

 

[SuperPsyze]

If you love him, then you should be happy that he found someone that makes him happy, even if it's not you. At least, that's what I'm telling myself while I wait for someone to love my best friend in the ways I can't.

You're angry because he found a girl he likes. It sounds like you're angry because he did everything he could to hide this from you. The dishonesty does rattles me, and I feel like if you want this friendship to continue, you gotta let him know that he can trust you.

 

[SayWhat]

If you love him, then you should be happy that he found someone that makes him happy, even if it's not you.

Right or wrong, I could never be happy to see him with someone else. BUT, I can accept it if it's what he wants and what makes him happy.

You're angry because he found a girl he likes. It sounds like you're angry because he did everything he could to hide this from you. The dishonesty does rattles me, and I feel like if you want this friendship to continue, you gotta let him know that he can trust you.

I'm really not angry that he found someone else. I'm upset, sure, but not angry. I AM angry about the second part, though. In the past, one of the things that made our relationship so strong was that he was never afraid to tell me the truth, even if it's something that I wouldn't like. We've talked about this many times.

I guess I just don't understand what the reasoning is behind lying now. Is he doing it to keep from hurting me? Or is he maybe playing her by making it look like their relationship is more than it is so he can continue getting laid? Very confusing.

 

[BrianPGH]

We're together just as much as we've always been. He only sees her during his lunch breaks from work. The only time he sees her on the weekends is if I've already made plans with other people. Otherwise, we do things together all weekend.

Perhaps he's trying not to flaunt his relationship with this girl in front of you, because he loves you (even if "only" platonically) and doesn't want to hurt you. Or, perhaps, after venting to you in the past about how clingy she is, he's worried what you might think about them possibly getting more serious.

From everything you've said in this thread, it doesn't sound like he's shutting you out in terms of how much time you spend together, or in regards to physical affection between the two of you. Despite the secrecy, he sounds like a good guy.

Whatever's going on in his head, I hope it works out well for you and your friendship stays strong.

 

[catee222]

Story of my life. He knew I had a crush on him, and he was not very open about being with this girl he was seeing. I realized it was probably because he didn't want to upset me, but I would've rather been told right away. I tried to tell him that, and he got very defensive saying that some of the things he does should not be my business.

 

[TX-Beau]

I've had straight friends hide their relationships from myself as well as our other straight friends because of macho bullshit.

I don't know if that's the case here, but if you're both young, maybe that's part of it?


Whatever. Look, most of the guys I knew in college, that I had great friendships with, a lot of great memories, including the guy who was my best friend back then, ultimately got married and vanished away into suburban daddyhood. Straight guys do that. It's what they aspire to for themselves.

This is just life, it's the way it should be. They have other priorities now, kids, mortgage, job security, college fund, and the wife.

The serious girlfriend is the first step on that path. If that's what he wants, so be it. I don't know why this is a lie, most guys don't jump straight to serious. It's quite possible it wasn't - until it was.

And there's nothing you can do about that - other than be his friend, and be supportive; and when your friend becomes serious with someone, you have to understand that they become his first priority, just like anyone you're serious with becomes yours. You have to understand, that your freindship, as important as it is to him, is not the family he wants for himself.

I think that maybe part of this is that you were hanging on to the hope that he wanted you, and that's not what happened.

And if he is gay/bi, and is running away from it, you won't get him anyway.

 

[SayWhat]

If that's what he wants, so be it. I don't know why this is a lie, most guys don't jump straight to serious. It's quite possible it wasn't - until it was.

And there's nothing you can do about that - other than be his friend, and be supportive; and when your friend becomes serious with someone, you have to understand that they become his first priority, just like anyone you're serious with becomes yours. You have to understand, that your freindship, as important as it is to him, is not the family he wants for himself.

I think that maybe part of this is that you were hanging on to the hope that he wanted you, and that's not what happened.

And if he is gay/bi, and is running away from it, you won't get him anyway.

I really have to thank you (and everyone else on here) for your honesty.

You're totally right. I was hanging on to the hope that he wanted me so bad that it had a pretty negative impact on our friendship. I can't believe I let it get to the point that he had to hide such a major part of his life from me.

This has definitely been a learning experience. Thanks again.

 

[FrEaKyFrEaK]

Wait, did you explicitly tell him that you were interested in/in love with him?