Am I fooling myself?

[Seasoned]

I never quite understood the implied advantage of being bi. As someone who was married and has two children, I would have found life easier had I not been able to perform with women. I'm happy being a dad, but I'm just saying.

I identify as gay and happy not to be living a double life.

 

[genthree]

that would normally be associated with performance anxiety but given that it never happens in the other situation you my have to take a look in the mirror and be brutely honest with yourself !

 

[KaraBulut]

The issue here is not whether you are gay or straight or bi or any of those labels.

The issue here is that you have a strong sexual attraction to a woman yet you're frustrated by not being able to perform with her sexually like you can with a man.

If your performance issues are not a problem for her, then they shouldn't be a problem for you. Enjoy it for what it is- a unique relationship between two people who are attracted to each other.

The same advice would be appropriate if you were an otherwise straight guy who had an attraction and sexual relationship with another man.

But keep in mind that the prospects for long-term happiness are limited here. Your attractions and natural proclivity seems to be toward men and that is probably where you will find yourself when it is all said and done...

 

[G-Lexington]

To me, if you're "insanely attracted" to somebody, and your body isn't responding to that, it means one of a few things:

1. You've got generic erectile issues. But the rest of your posts suggests that's not the case.

2. You have "performance anxiety". That's quite common, but again, the rest of your post suggests that's not the case, either.

3. You're not that into her.

I've got female friends, and some of them are downright gorgeous. But I'm not interested in going to bed with them. And if one of them dragged me there (and I went along with it), I'm betting I wouldn't respond that well, either.

That said, if she doesn't have a problem with it, then you technically don't, either. If anything, women tend to complain that guys are too quick to jump to the intercourse, and too quick to hit orgasm. So she might appreciate the fact that you're "taking your sweet time". Sex is a journey, not a destination, and if you're both enjoying the trip, then I don't see it as a big deal. But if you continue on in this relationship, you might start wishing for sexual encounters that aren't so much "work". And that might be a dangerous path to head down.

Lex

 

[youngnihilist]

Sounds like you need some more cock to think it over. I mean sure, go ahead and marry a woman, but the urge for some gay sex is too much to resist after a while, isn't it?

 

[TX-Beau]

I've been actually attracted to a woman exactly once in my life.

So I figured why not give it a shot - and then I figured out just how gay i really am.

It wasn't a sexual attraction, it was a near perfect compatibility, in every way but the relevant one.

 

[Lube]

So I guess I can only see how things go with her, and let's things naturally fall into place wherever that may be. Just had these thoughts running through my head, and needed a place to dump them for some feedback. The indecision and internal conflict is just frustrating and finally made it's way out in the post.

The advice that's been given is almost universally that, yes, you are indeed gay.

Yet you seem to be denying it still.

You're just not that into her sexually. Regardless of what you want to happen. Get over it.

 

[arpeggi]

To OP, I had similar occurrences at your age, and even since then, I'm 28 now. When I look back, I realize I never really liked women enough to to make a move unless it was uncomplicated or she showed an interest in me first. There may have been a physical attraction, and certain things would be hot and prove successful in bed with them, but it was never really fulfilling. The anxiety never went away. What kept me from dating men was that I always felt I just had to find the right woman, and everything would be fall into place, and my attraction to men would just go away because she would be so amazing that nothing else in the world would matter. That is, until I met that woman and realized she still would never be enough, and I had spent most of my teen and 20's fooling myself.

But hey, if you're having fun with this girl, have fun with her. But don't let it cloud you interest in men either, it isn't likely going away. Don't feel obligated to define your sexual interests, just explore them.

 

[Lube]

It may be true, and probably is. I suppose I'm just waiting until I get to see her again, and come to that realization and fully accept that I'm gay. Even writing that is kind of blowing my mind right now. I don't really know why, I don't think anyone I know that well (family and close friends) will even care, but it is strange to even write those words.

Yes, it is weird at first to admit it. I know it kinda made me dizzy for a while. Wow--to finally accept it! What I've known deep in my heart all along, but did not want to admit.

I've wanted to tell my best friend, but like you, I figured if I just met the right girl, it may pass, and telling someone this is hard to ever take back.

Sure, the finality of it makes you want to be absolutely sure. But there is no such thing as absolutely sure. But I think you have a pretty good inkling now.

I have no idea how to define my sexuality, so the opening to the conversation is unknown. Current thought is that I trust her implicitly, without fail, so easiest is to simply say what I'm feeling, and not worry about phrasing it in a good manner. That would be: I don't know if I'm gay, bi, whatever, I do know I'm attracted to men, and I just needed to tell someone.

Don't worry about the words. If you worry too much, it'll just seem awkward and robotic. I'm sure she'll understand. Good luck.

 

[arpeggi]

For me, my best friend basically saw a naked guy outside of my room in the morning which I couldn't avoid. I then tried to claim being bi, but that never stopped him from trying to set me up with girls or encouraging me to hookup with them. So I basically told him I wouldn't be bringing any girls home, and asked him if he would think of me any different if I'm gay. He basically knew and things are mostly cool with us.
Since you're not sure about being gay/bi, you might want to come out to your friend as bi. Whether you are or not, you can treat it as a buffer period for those you come out to, a period to adjust to being out and not having to hide it completely, and still explore your sexuality. Once you get it off your chest to someone, the sooner you'll figure it all out, and maybe even date some guys.

 

[Lube]

Since you're not sure about being gay/bi, you might want to come out to your friend as bi. Whether you are or not, you can treat it as a buffer period for those you come out to, a period to adjust to being out and not having to hide it completely, and still explore your sexuality. Once you get it off your chest to someone, the sooner you'll figure it all out, and maybe even date some guys.

I think you're trying to give good advice, but telling someone to claim they're something they're not only denigrates those who really are that thing.

Should you tell a Jew to claim he's an atheist until he's sure his friends will accept him?

Doesn't that sound ridiculous?

 

[arpeggi]

Yes, your example does sound ridiculous. And irrelevant.
It isn't claiming to be something he isn't. He himself isn't even sure. He isn't lying about who he is by telling a friend he might be attracted to men too. At this point, he is bisexual. Should he really remain closeted to everyone until he's completely certain? All that does is force him to hide it. By coming out as bi, which his current behavior and interests are, I believe it will help him figure things out and not feel like he's fooling himself anymore. If his friend accepts him being bi, he has the comfort of knowing the friend will probably accept him as gay if/when he finds he is.

If he was certain of being gay and felt ready to confess that to his friend, I'd say go for it. But that doesn't seem likely or even appropriate for his situation since he is actually fooling around with women. Once you come out to a friend, everything else just comes easier, gay or bi.