Am I going crazy?

[dmhead]

I've reached the point where I don't really care about making things better. I don't want to seek help. I used to in the past, but couldn't and still can't afford it. I can't hide my depression anymore too, the more I put myself out there in public the worse I feel. It's easy to see how bad I feel now, can't fake it or look confident anymore. I know it's possible to be gay and perfectly happy but I'm not one of those people and it's harder when I suspect my brother's gay too. I can't even get in a relationship with a guy without feeling like I'll go to hell in the end - There's no evidence to prove me wrong. I feel too messed up to get on the right track because there is no "right" in my situation. My beliefs are the same.

The last few weeks have been a little weirder than usual. Even though I don't believe in suicide and won't do it, I think about it. It's not an option I consider, but I think about how good it would be to stop feeling like this anymore. I stabbed the table with a fork multiple times the other day. I knew what I was doing but I had to let it out. Today I also did something most people would consider insane and I knew it but I just wanted to do it. I climbed real high to the top of the roof of to look at the running cars from above. I had no intention to jump or anything, but I guess I needed a "rush" or something? I don't know why I do things that are crazy when I KNOW they're crazy and make no sense. I could easily stop myself from doing those things but I don't. Am I that desperate to let things out? I need to find more constructive ways to deal with stress...

 

[justanegg]

You may have a chemical imbalance in your system. Find some doctor you can discuss this with. Many of us (me too) have dealt with serious depression.

 

[Seasoned]

As a kid I learned that a belief of my religion that suicide would send me to hell. You say you don't want to change, but you have changed. You have begun new behaviors that are putting you at risk for injury or worse.

Even though you told me not to I have to suggest therapy, which means exploring programs available in your area that might provide free or ability to pay services.

PM me and I'll even do the reasearch for you.

I wish you well and I'm on your side.

 

[Horschallen]

I do not think you are going crazy. You are going through an episode of some sort... maybe a series of episodes when you are exploring your different feelings and hopefully grow from them.

 

[mbamike]

I wrestled with my religious beliefs too when I started facing my true sexuality. I lived in denial for most of my life.

It was by studying, reading and praying that I realized that God truly does love me and that I am not damned for hell. We, this includes you, can have a same-sex relationship and still be acceptable unto God.

Don't take those naysayers' word. Some of those idiots barely made it out of high school, if that! So, I am surely not going to trust my eternal soul to them.

Once you accept who you are, you are loved, and you are not eternally damned, then you will realize there is hope. Once you find hope, your depression will disappear.

I hope this helps.

PS. I can recommend some reading for you if you want. Just PM me.

 

[dmhead]

Thanks for the help. It's good to get some feedback and I appreciate the effort. I feel like I shouldn't say all this negative religious stuff because obviously I'm not the only gay person here who has/had an issue with that, so I don't want to affect others in a negative way as well. My way of thinking is pretty extreme and it's not a good thing. In general, it's just hard to believe in God and still be totally comfortable with a "gay lifestyle" when all religions condemn gay sex. The uncertainty is discouraging.

It goes way deeper than that. I suspect that my brother is also gay so it's another reason to repress who I am the way I see it, even if coming out is the right thing to do. I just don't know if I can live with the fact my family won't get that "peace" of family and kids from anyone. Me being the only "failure" wouldn't be as big of a deal. But since it might be more than just me... I don't know. I would never fool a woman into a marriage too, but maybe arrange a "family" with a lesbian. I don't know. I don't want any of that too. It's frustrating. I don't see a good future in any way.

I understand why people suggest therapy, but it's only helpful when the person is committed to it. Other than the fact I can't afford it, I would never trust any therapist and I lost the motivation to get better because I'm too damaged right now. I'm a lot more calm than I was yesterday, but in general it's easy for me to reach the point where I don't want to live at all. It's hard to feel like that and still function in life, because I can't fake it anymore. I'm not happy and it shows and I hate myself when that happens. I'm tired of being that person. The truth is that I stay alive for other people, not because I feel like I have something to live for. It's not healthy to stay in the closet and hide who I am, but it's also not healthy to come out and feel guilty about my parents, always fear going to hell, being alone, etc. It's lose/lose for me. I'm used to this situation but I can't stay like this forever so I don't know what I'm gonna do.

 

[swerve]

I see things ALMOST the OPPOSITE of you...

IF there is a CHANCE that your younger brother is gay -- he would gain SO MUCH STRENGTH from seeing his older brother being out and proud...

I'm NOT SURE what religion you are -- but MY belief is that we (gay people) are EXTRA SPECIAL to God -- and that we're on this earth to make it a BETTER PLACE!!!

I'm sorry you are feeling so conflicted -- and don't have friends there that you can talk to about this...

BUT...

Those of us responding to your posts are JUST AS REAL -- we care about you AND your family...

Keep posting your thoughts -- there are some here that may have been in VERY SIMILAR situations!!!

 

[jknightuk]

Hi Dmhelp

I applaud you for your courage with posting that topic here. It's not easy talking to strangers... and asking for help. You have taken a BIG step here.

You're not going crazy... ok? If anything, it sounds like you are going through a pretty rough time right now, and just need a little help to guide you in the right direction. Don't even have thoughts about suicide, my friend... it's not worth it. Sure, you might be ending your problem... but what about the upset it would cause those you leave behind?

But as you stated in your first post this is something you would not contemplate... so well done for that. I have been there... believe me, and it is not pleasant.

Just as Seasoned said (JUB Moderator), I wish to echo that.. and say I am on your side too... as I am sure a lot of members here will be. We're here to help you, if you want us to? Keep talking to us all here, keeping us up to date. Between us all, we can help you find a solution.

Good luck, and I wish you all the best for the future

 

[TNniceguy]

I'm on your side, too, buddy.

My parents are pretty religious. The whole aspect of being gay and religious has bothered me to point that I basically gave up on it.

Please don't be afraid to get therapy. It helps... big time. Find a gay-friendly therapist to talk with. Many have a sliding fee scale if you don't have insurance or can't really afford it right now. After going to EAP and two doctors, I finally found a gay therapist/advanced nurse practitioner that I relate to and trust. They're out there and can help you work through this.

You can do it! We're here for you.