Am I just asexual? I really need help...

[1David1]

No offense to any asexual guy here but I'm starting to get really worried. I'm a 20 year old virgin. I used to be exteremly attracted to men but didn't do anything about it other than jerk off in front of the computer screen. On top of that I started to get really depressed and had a very stressful time growing up. Even being bullied.

Recently I met up with this guy from the internet and I wasn't particulary attracted to him, he wasn't bad looking but not my type. I didn't get hard and that's how it ended. He tried to get me in the mood and while I didn't mind kissing I didn't feel like having sex with him. If that were you (or any sexual guy) and you were with a very average looking person that's trying to get you off, wouldn't you be aroused at one point? I wasn't.

Ever since then I've been questioning my sexuality and sex drive. I also started to notice I'm really not that horny anymore. I do get off on gay porn but when it comes to real life, even at the gym where I'm supposed to see hot people, I don't feel any crazy attraction. What does that make me?

 

[drhladnjak]

Being asexual you whole life is one thing. Having once been a horny teenager who's seen a drop off in sex drive is another. Changes in sex drive can be indicative of more serious psychological or physical underlying issues like clinical depression or a hormonal problem like low testosterone levels. Starting with your doctor by explaining the drop in sex drive would probably be a good idea.

 

[metta]

I think that you should just relax. Don't worry about it unless you have other symptoms. Just accept it for what it is right now. Be glad that your penis is not controling your life right now.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

If you're jerking off, you're not asexual. And certainly there's no requirement that you get an erection every time you're with a guy.

But it may be possible that you have a low sex drive. Have your doctor give you a test to see if your level of testosterone is low. If it is, you can take it from there.

 

[MindBlast]

Are you self-reproducing (cloning)? If not, then you're not asexual. Nonsexual would be the word you're looking for.

But I doubt that's the issue. You were with a guy who was not so good looking. You weren't EMOTIONALLY into it either (that makes a big difference).

Remember, sex is not about having an orgasm necessarily. Don't set goals for sex, just have fun.

 

[luminum]

Are you self-reproducing (cloning)? If not, then you're not asexual. Nonsexual would be the word you're looking for.

He's actually technically correct. "Asexual" has been adopted to also describe individuals who have no sexual drive and no desire to seek a sexual relationship. While it is originally (and in my biased opinion, truly) a definition for organisms not requiring sexual reproduction to reproduce, it is also a new social term for his issue.

I would say that there could be several reasons for a lack of sexual attraction IRL as opposed to with pornography. I mean one could be that the porn you've exposed yourself to is uncomplicated and on your terms. It's there to excite you, it has no emotions to consider. A person is a person, emotions, sex, and imperfections and all. Subconsciously, you could be anxious about this.

Another reason could be that you need more from an individual than a emotionless hook up in order to be truly sexually aroused by someone.

And one more could just be because you're getting older and your sex drive, now that you're aging past 18, is dropping off, which is perfectly normal.

 

[evanrick]

i wouldn't worry, you will see a gorgeous guy one day and wonder what you were thinking.

 

[Spensed]

Two things occur to me.

Firstly, if you have access to therapy, I'd try that. It's confidential and, if you can find a gay or a gay friendly therapist, that might help. You might to try more than one, before you find one you like. Some gay and lesbian centers make referrals to therapists and sometimes offer the service at a big discount and, I think, if you just don't have the money, for free. Some places also have support groups that would be worth checking out.

Secondly, I'd focus on getting around gay guys in a non-sexual context first and not in bars. Obviously, some places are better for this than others, but see if you can find some preferably gay orientated social groups in your areas of interest, e.g. politics, drama, sports, charity work, etc. Force an interest, if you don't have any strong one or see what AIDS related charities are active in your area. The idea is to socialize yourself around gay guys.

You might have to work at it. But, you'd be doing something productive and, with luck, the worst that'll happen will be that you'll get one or two friends to talk things through with and some support.

At best, you'll meet, or someone will introduce you to, one or two guys you can relate to and the intimacy and sex may follow from that.

It's a women's magazine strategy, but a little effort can produce unexpected results.

Obviously, whatever you do, don't put yourself in any danger and I apologize in advance if you're living some place that you don't have access to therapy of non-sexual activites, where you might meet other gay guys.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey 1David1,

What does that make you?

Well to me, after reading your heartfelt and incredibly honest post, it makes you a normal everyday gay figuring out who you are... and how many risks to take. And take heart mate - you are definitely not alone when it comes to feeling uncertain and unsure in taking your first steps at discovering what you like and dont like.

The transition from porn and your imagination with its safety security and control to the real world where things move out of your control is often difficult if you still are a little unsure of who you are. You can get lost in focusing on the negatives and your insecurities... a stark contrast to you having full control... and zero in on the crazy doubt of your prowess, your ability, yourself.

1David1, dont panic. Dont rush, dont over think this. All of us are different, we respond differently to situations, some of us are brash and brazen, others shy and timid, some crave relationships, some inconsequential sex. And often these traits are mutually exclusive so what turns someone on wont interest another at all.

You need to stop forcing this, stop focusing on what you havent done, what you think you dont know and all the what ifs that come with trying something new.

When you are ready, when you are relaxed you'll find yourself in the company of a guy who makes you feel safe confident and in control. And when that happens it will all become easier, simplier. You'll forget your fears and things will happen naturally without you trying or forcing it.

And will your first time be perfect? Probably not. Beleive it or not being intimate is a learned thing, you figure things out as you go along... so dont pressure yourself for not knowing things. No one does at the start... they just think they do.

You'll be find mate... just relax and stop giving yourself a hard time.

Oh and David. Avoid the porn for a week. Completely. Cold. Dont look at it touch it or use it. Not only will you be as horny as hell, you'll lose all those crazy doubts as your hormones remind you of what you love.

 

[rareboy]

Start with your doc and your diet. If you smoke don't. If you take any meds, see if they are responsible. This might include 'natural' supplements.

And as suggested. Stop looking at porn. For a while anyway.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

No offense to any asexual guy here but I'm starting to get really worried. I'm a 20 year old virgin. I used to be exteremly attracted to men but didn't do anything about it other than jerk off in front of the computer screen. On top of that I started to get really depressed and had a very stressful time growing up. Even being bullied.

Recently I met up with this guy from the internet and I wasn't particulary attracted to him, he wasn't bad looking but not my type. I didn't get hard and that's how it ended. He tried to get me in the mood and while I didn't mind kissing I didn't feel like having sex with him. If that were you (or any sexual guy) and you were with a very average looking person that's trying to get you off, wouldn't you be aroused at one point? I wasn't.

Ever since then I've been questioning my sexuality and sex drive. I also started to notice I'm really not that horny anymore. I do get off on gay porn but when it comes to real life, even at the gym where I'm supposed to see hot people, I don't feel any crazy attraction. What does that make me?

Others may be right that it could be your hormones; however, it could have been a legitimate change in your physiology, biology, and psychology since you are twenty and that is when the brain has finished developing.

I am not going to tell you what you should or should not call yourself, but I would say that if it is not causing you any health problems, then I would not worry about it. Asexuality is a type of sexuality about which most are ill-informed or not informed at all.

As someone else said, be glad that you are able to think with your big head has all control, not your little one.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>Recently I met up with this guy from the internet and I wasn't particulary attracted to him, he wasn't bad looking but not my type. I didn't get hard and that's how it ended. He tried to get me in the mood and while I didn't mind kissing I didn't feel like having sex with him. If that were you (or any sexual guy) and you were with a very average looking person that's trying to get you off, wouldn't you be aroused at one point? I wasn't.

Why on earth did you go to bed with him? If a guy wanted me to go to bed with him, and I really wasn't "feeling anything", I wouldn't say yes, hoping that something would magically happen just because a dick and ass was now within easy reach.

If you're not horny right now, you're not horny. Don't panic over it. Don't force it. Just put your sexuality aside for awhile - no porn, no masturbating, no nothing. Focus on other aspects of your life. If in a month you're still not horny, call the doctor.

Lex