Am I just being a coward or what?

[anthony87]

Hi everyone!

I’ve lately been thinking a lot about… being gay, coming out and… stuff. So yeah! It’s probably gonna turn into a somewhat long, boring text… but that’s how I roll.

I “came out” to myself about 3 years ago. Since then, I’ve been mostly comfortable with me being gay… but I haven’t progressed much further. Well, I did tell my sister about 2,5 years ago and I recently told a female, bisexual friend of mine as well... but it’s been a surprising struggle to sort of move beyond that. I haven’t had sleepless nights because of me being gay and still being in the closet, since I’m quite happy with my life at the moment. But still, I’ve understood that being gay still is a somewhat significant part of me, and my current situation isn’t the ideal one. And I don’t wanna live the rest of my life in the closet.

So I’ve thought, what should be the “next step” for me… and I’ve come to the conclusion that it must be telling my parents. I live on my own, but we still see each other quite often. They’ve always been very supportive of me and my sister and they’ve helped us every way they could, so I don’t feel like living a “secret gay life” without them knowing would be a right thing to do. In fact, I don’t want a secret gay life at all: either I’m out and looking for gay friends and relationships or there should be none of that action at all. I’m not planning on doing some big “coming out spectacle” by sending a PM to every Facebook friend or anything like that, but I feel like I'm in a point where I might just end up telling some other people if a right situation comes along. And I don’t want a situation where a bunch of people know (maybe even some relatives) before my parents do, even possibly leading to them hearing about it from other people than me..

Therefore I’ve figured, I should tell my parents before I go any further.. and I feel quite strongly about this. So where, when, how? Obvious questions, for sure.

This is a part where I go a little off-topic… but lately there’s been a lot of talk about gay rights here in Finland. We don’t have gay marriage; we have civil unions but gay and lesbian couples can’t adopt a child or have a same last name. A few weeks ago there was a sort of debate about gay rights in national TV. There were a few gays and lesbians plus a woman priest and a therapist who were for gay rights; on the opposite side there were for example a few religious people (priests, a bishop among others) and maybe most notably Päivi Räsänen, chairwoman of Christian Democratic Party.

How did the debate go? Well, in my opinion (and in the opinion of many others as well) the anti-gay rights people made an ass of themselves, many of them using the Bible as a source of their anti-gay bigotry. Räsänen (the leader of Christian Democrats) was one of the most vocal people in the debate, saying that “homosexuality is a sin” and that “if one has homosexual tendencies, one should not practice them” and some bullshit like that. Meanwhile, the pro-gay rights people were calm, reasonable and smart and basically just totally owned their opponents.

The reaction to the debate was quite unprecedented. After the debate, over 40,000 people left the Lutheran church in a three-week period (roughly 78 % of the Finnish population are members of that church), which has largely been seen as a protest to the church (and, perhaps, to the society) for not treating gays equally. So in a time period of three weeks, there have been roughly the same amount of people leaving the church as in the whole year of 2009. It all made huge headlines here. Plus, especially Päivi Räsänen (that anti-gay bigot of the show) received a lot of criticism for her viewpoints.

As a gay man (and also as an atheist and a devout secularist) I was quite delighted of the whole incident. People actually DO give a shit about equal rights in this country!

So I used this controversy as a way to find out how my parents felt about the whole issue while visiting them about two weeks ago. I started the conversation like “so… the church is dealing with a lot of shit as of late!”, not mentioning the whole gay debate at all. My dad then started talking about how stupid and ignorant the representatives of the church were in the debate and even went as far as to say that “Päivi Räsänen is a complete moron”. He even talked about how horribly the church treated one priest who had a sex reassignment operation last year. My mother said that she couldn’t understand how anyone could think that homosexuality is a sin etc. etc.

And I was like… wow! I knew my parents were smart and just plain awesome in general, but I didn’t know that they were this sort of “pro-gay” (for a lack of better word). But for some reason, I just didn’t tell them then, and I still haven’t told them.

So I kinda feel.. a bit of a coward, to be quite honest. You know, I’m 23, living on my own... And there are so many gay people who have been in lot worse situations with their parents who have just went ahead and told them even when they were teenagers. I actually have a feeling that my parents might already know I’m gay, because it’s been almost 3 years since my dad last asked me if I’m seeing any girls and all that. But still I’m hesitating...

So yeah, my situation probably is a pretty straight-forward thing, or at least the solution to the problem... but still, I would appreciate any comments and responses you guys may have

 

[Eagle653]

It's OK that you didn't tell them during that conversation. You're not a coward. Each person has to pick their own time and situation, and you'll find yours.

Have you considered that they already know? Parents, especially mothers, have a sixth sense about these things and frequently say "I know" when told. Perhaps they've guessed and have discussed it, and felt that by reacting and saying the things they did to the television debate was their way of saying "tell us, we'll accept you."

Either way, the path seems to be clear for you. You gave, in the post, the best premise on which to do it: they've been loving and supportive and "leading a secret gay life is not the way to go."

So, use your own words with them. Say something like "I really want to tell you something about me. You've always loved me and supported me and I'll love you forever for that. I want you to know that I'm more attracted to men than women, and I wanted to share that with you because I didn't want there to be any secrets, or hiding, and I didn't want there to be any wedges in our relationship." Or, something like that--you'd have to choose your own words and phrases that are comfortable and natural to you.

Congratulations on wanting to take the next step. They seem like the logical next ones to tell, in your situation. Good luck--and let us know what happens.

 

[Seasoned]

This is what I would do the next time you see them: "mom and dad, I missed an opportunity the last time I was here. I brought up the debate in the church to confirm my high opinion of you both. I'm proud to be your son and I want to thank you for passing on your beliefs regarding fairness and equality. For some reason I've been scared to tell you something I've known for 3 years. I'm gay and I don't want to keep it from you any longer."

 

[Wonderwall]

You're not a coward!

Your situation sounds very similar to what I went through.
From what you have said it sounds like you have supportive and loving parents, and as others have already said they might already know, either way it doesn't matter.

So talk to your parents as soon as your ready to, the sooner you do the sooner you can move on to the next stage of your life.

Best of luck and let us know how you go.

 

[anthony87]

Thank you very much for your replies. As I told in my first post, I kinda knew what to do already as I was writing that stuff.. I just wanted a few people to confirm my thoughts and encourage me to act on those thoughts. So thanks very much again.

Have you considered that they already know? Parents, especially mothers, have a sixth sense about these things and frequently say "I know" when told. Perhaps they've guessed and have discussed it, and felt that by reacting and saying the things they did to the television debate was their way of saying "tell us, we'll accept you."

I sure have thought about that. I’m pretty sure they have at some point speculated the reasons behind my total lack of “love life” or even interest in girls in general.. well, aside from having a picture of a naked woman in my wallet when I was 16 or so. And as they’re not dumb, perhaps they’ve already thought about the possibility of me being gay. And as I told in my earlier post, the last time my parents even asked me if there’s anything “going on” - if you know what mean - was over 2,5 years ago.. so that has led me to speculate the reasons behind it. At least they haven’t pushed me to get a girlfriend or anything, which has actually been very nice of them.

And yeah, I guess I’m not really a coward because of the fact I’m still not out to my parents.. it’s more of me being critical of the way I do things in general. I tend to be over-cautious of my actions, I think too much and keep a lot of my inner thoughts to myself… and, perhaps unfortunately, I’m pretty good at pretending that everything’s just fine even when things are not fine. My dad actually told me once that I should be more open about the things I’m going through, especially the negative ones. Sure, usually things are fine with me, as I told earlier.. but I could be happier, I do know that.

Hopefully I’ll find a right moment to tell my parents soon. I’ve sure thought about how to do that.. and the things I'm going to say will be something along the lines you soreknees and Eagle653 wrote. I have a good feeling that it will all go well. I will surely keep you informed how it went, when it actually does happen.. hopefully sooner than later. Thanks again.

 

[anthony87]

Well, I'm not out to my parents yet but I came out to a good friend of mine today (straight/male). I've actually only met him twice but we've been online friends for over 10 years and we basically chat whenever both of us are online. That's usually several times a week.

I had planned a way to tell him beforehand as I didn't want to just say "I'm gay" off the spot. It was, again, surprisingly hard to go ahead and just type the sentences I wanted to. I started hesitating and my heart rate went up quite a bit.. but then I just put it out there. He said that he was completely OK with it, he was a bit surprised but not shocked even a bit.

Then he asked a few questions about the subject matter, and I was happy to answer them all as they relieved the awkwardness of the situation on my part. The questions he asked also confirmed me just how good of a friend and capable of empathy he is. He asked me when was the moment that I "came out" to myself and whether that was a relieving experience for me. Then he asked me how many people already knew about me being gay and how I thought my parents would react to it. We also talked about the attitudes towards gays in general and how at the end of the day it's an issue that shouldn't really matter at all.. but how it still can be a hard process to come out even though times are different now than in the 50's or 60's or so. He even told me that he felt proud of the fact that I was able to tell him.

Even though I knew it would all go well, I was still amazed how he handled it and just how supportive he was. I really couldn't have wished for more. I probably won't have a chance to tell my parents before the end of the month as I'm going for a vacation of two weeks and I won't see them at that time, but hopefully after that I will. I feel like this experience gave me extra courage to do that.

 

[Lube]

Good luck. You are doing great!

 

[anthony87]

Guess what? I did it! And I guess the appropriate way for me is to tell about it in detail.

You know, when I told that close friend a few weeks ago (see my post above), it was an eye-opener for me. I mean, it really wasn’t a pleasant feeling while breaking the news. Deep down inside of me, I was absolutely sure that things would be at least for some time at least a little bit awkward.. but they weren’t! Not in the slightest. His reaction actually made me more comfortable of being gay than ever, as he took it exactly the way I wanted him to. To him, I was the same guy than before and he honestly didn’t give a shit.

His reaction made me realize something I’ve read on this forum (or another) before. That is, if you have friends or family who you know think highly of you, with whom you often talk with, with whom you share many viewpoints and who have expressed “gay-friendly” statements before.. then there’s a good chance that it won’t be too negative of an experience if you come out to them. That is, of course, if you feel like telling them in the first place.

So I felt like I was exactly in the position I described above. And that’s why I decided I had to do it as soon as possible.

So it was a Sunday evening, and I couldn’t believe how confident about the whole thing I was feeling. I wasn’t finding excuses for myself to chicken out; I was really looking for the right moment. A moment where both of my parents would be there, not being busy with some other stuff. And then that moment came.

I asked them to come to the living room, as I had something to tell them. My mother freaked out a bit, nervously asking me to just tell her what it was. I asked her to relax and stop asking as I would tell her eventually. She then relaxed, because I also told that I didn’t have a serious illness, nor hadn’t I committed a major crime, or anything like that. Then I began, and here’s what I told them:

“Let’s just start with the fact that we all follow the news, and recently there has been a talk about people leaving the church because of some representatives saying some nasty, bigoted stuff about gays on a debate on national TV.

I must admit that I used this controversy as a way to find out what you honestly thought about these kind of things. And I was amazed that I didn’t have to express my own opinions, because you basically said them yourselves. It made me think even more highly of you than I already did.

I was happy for your reactions. One obvious reason is that I believe no-one should be discriminated for being who they are. But there is also a very personal reason for it, something that has everything to do with me. You may already guess what it is, but I want to say it myself, so here it comes:

I am… *sigh* I… am… I am… gay.”

My mother reacted immediately with ease. She said it’s perfectly OK for her, it’s not an issue for her, it’s really not a big deal and yada yada yada. I didn’t really even think or worry about her reaction beforehand, because I pretty much knew it would be something like that. You know, we’ve always been “good pals”, we’ve always found it easy to talk to each other about everything whether it’s about a record I’m currently listening to or something major like this. I probably would’ve told her way before if it weren’t for the fact I wanted to tell both my parents at the same time. She said that she had actually thought I might be gay, that she “just senses that kind of stuff” (that was a wise guess, Eagle653 ) but she, of course, couldn’t be completely sure about that beforehand.

My dad, on the other hand, was completely taken by surprise. He said it never even crossed his mind that I might be gay (which, in turn, was a bit surprising to me). His initial reaction was acceptance – I knew he would be accepting – but I could tell it was a bit of a shock to him. That’s when I realized it wasn’t just a minor announcement that I had just made and that I should just continue talking and be as open and honest about the whole thing as possible so that he wouldn’t have misunderstandings about it and so that he would feel more comfortable about it in general.

So I brought the basic “ammo” into the conversation. You know, that I’m still the same guy as before; I wouldn’t dye my hair pink tomorrow, I wouldn’t start wearing colourful clothes instead of the black ones I’ve always liked to wear, neither would I start talking with a “girly” voice instead of the rather deep voice I’ve always had, I still didn’t know shit about fashion or how to decorate the house… and that me liking sports or heavy rock or wearing the same kind of clothes day after another hasn't been me putting on an act and try to to be “straight-acting”. That’s, of course, not me looking down on the femme gays or saying that I’m such an uber-masculine guy (I’m most certainly not), I was just trying to fix a misconception my dad might have had about gays in general - that they always conform to some stereotypes.

I also assured that being gay certainly isn’t the main attribute I would describe myself with and that it’s never been too big of a deal for me; I’ve never been depressed or had sleepless nights because of it (well, the latter statement isn’t exactly true but it’s “true enough”..) I also stated that I don't feel I'm any "different" than others because of it and that I didn't feel the need to announce it to the whole world - the reason why I told them was that I wanted to just be honest with them about a thing that has always been there.

I could continue on and on and on about the conversation we had, because it lasted for about 2 hours... so I won't bore you any longer with that. But it was kinda helpful that mom basically echoed and expanded further everything I said.

What actually is important is that dad told me I was still their son and that things would be the same between us, nothing would change because of the fact I'm gay, that he and mom would still always be there for me, that he hoped I would visit them as often as I've always had... needless to say, I had tears on my eyes. I, in turn, expressed how happy and damn lucky I felt to have such awesome parents... and that made both mom and dad have tears in their eyes.

The next morning dad told me he didn't sleep too much last night and that the whole thing was constantly revolving in his head (which didn't make me too happy), but he wanted to assure that it was only because it had just been 8 hours since I had told them, and that he was only asking for some time to, you know, get his head around to it. I said I completely understood as I, in turn, have had my whole life to get used to it.

Later that day, when driving back to my apartment, I started to think what had just happened, the things we said to each other.. and I had tears in my eyes, yet again. It was a mix of both relief and exhaustion. I knew I did the right thing, and I also knew that the timing was right as I couldn't have seemed that convincing and confident had I told them 2-3 years ago.

Dad has actually called me both yesterday and today. But it has been about everyday things, he hasn't talked about the whole "gay thing" at all.. which actually makes me feel happy as it really seems he can put it in perspective and see that things really are the same as they were last week.. the only difference, of course, is that he and mom know something that has always been there. We're also going to a local ice hockey match this week (which is nothing new, we've done that regularly for years)

I'm most certainly not feeling like a coward at the moment, that's for sure. I just want to thank all you JUBbers, this site has really helped me with my coming out process and despite my story being long as hell, I hope some of you read it and that it can help others in the same kind of position I've been in.

Well, I guess that's all for now! Thanks again!

 

[Lube]

Wow, talk about a textbook case of a perfect coming out--congrats!

So whats your next step?

 

[anthony87]

Wow, talk about a textbook case of a perfect coming out--congrats!

So whats your next step?

Thank you very much! But yeah, I don't think I could've done anything better and I couldn't have picked a better time to do what I just did. As a few days have passed, that feeling hasn't changed.

My next step... that's a good question. I honestly have no idea. I viewed this coming out to parents as something that just had to be done before I come out to any other people or start dating or anything like that, but I really don't know what it is I should do next or how I'm about to do it. I'm not feeling a huge urge to do anything just now, but maybe a few gay friends could be an appropriate start, I suppose...

 

[TK1988]

Congratulations!

I know coming out is not very easy. It took me a few years to accept it, and then another few years to actually come out to people. I told my parents a few weeks ago, and they were pretty positive about it all (though they didn't expect it at all). After that, I told some of my colleagues who were very positive. It gets easier after a while. I told some of my friends 6 days after I told my parents, and they were just awesome about it. We still make gay-jokes all the time. I just love those people. I was very relieved at that time, and those friends told my other friends (personally, on the phone, on facebook). Saved me some effort, lol!

As I said before, it gets easier with time. If people would now ask me if I'm gay, I'd just say yes and be fine with it. A few years (even months) ago I'd just say no. You're well on your way, good luck with telling other people!

 

[mcuraddoc]

Congratulations! You have truly done what so many other folks have not had the courage to do.

My guess is after reading the posts here, you will find the drive to cultivate relationship is around the gay community that you might not have felt able to do before.

Congratulations, once again. Welcome to our party!