Am I just going to have to accept an open relationship?

[thatsit]

Some background:

I'm 24 years old, grew up in the suburbs of Chicago. Went to a university, mostly was friends with straight guys, moved out to the SF bay area when I was almost 23 years old. I never started making many gay friends until moving out here. I almost always go for much older guys, it's mostly a physical attraction, and finding a guy with money is not something I look for or care too much about. When I start dating a guy seriously, I tell him how important honesty is in a relationship, which is why I always am so upset when I find out these guys have been lying to me.

I dated a guy about twice my age for a few months, found out he was cheating on me a lot without telling me. That was a bit tough and I held a lot of anger towards him for a while, but eventually got over it and started seeing another guy. This most recent guy was also twice my age, and I felt a stronger connection to him and feel like he actually cares about me. He said he cheats because of his insecurities, which I guess I can understand that maybe when you start getting into your 50s you may feel less attractive, but that doesn't justify anything.

Anyways, when I found out he was lying to me, I gave him a second (or third) chance but it only took him a week to cheat on me again. I wasn't upset this time, I was more just annoyed with how easy it was for these guys to lie. I found out he was meeting up with guys, he was on prep without telling me, etc. It probably also doesn't help that he used to do meth 20 years ago and also did some porn, but I try to not judge people based on their past. But obviously those are red flags for what I'm looking for lol

Anyways, here's what I really want to ask:

I've been dating here and there since my last two relationships ended terribly. I'm on a few apps and a dating site. It just seems like open relationships are the default, but it's really not what I want. I genuinely feel like I can't love more than one person at a time and don't get much enjoyment out of sleeping with a random guy, but that's obviously not how most guys feel, or maybe I've just been spending too much time in San Francisco? Haha, I honestly don't know.

So since I don't have a lot of experience in different cities or towns, are there cities that are more monogamous than others? Not that I'm considering moving, I just am curious if it's just the SF bay or if it's guys in most places.

And should I just come to terms with gays not being able to be monogamous for a long time? I can understand it if two people have been together for years and want to try to be open, but I haven't had a relationship last more than 6 months yet.

Also, how do you find hot monogamous guys?

Thanks

 

[bruce379]

Some background:

I'm 24 years old, grew up in the suburbs of Chicago. Went to a university, mostly was friends with straight guys, moved out to the SF bay area when I was almost 23 years old. I never started making many gay friends until moving out here. I almost always go for much older guys, it's mostly a physical attraction, and finding a guy with money is not something I look for or care too much about. When I start dating a guy seriously, I tell him how important honesty is in a relationship, which is why I always am so upset when I find out these guys have been lying to me.

I dated a guy about twice my age for a few months, found out he was cheating on me a lot without telling me. That was a bit tough and I held a lot of anger towards him for a while, but eventually got over it and started seeing another guy. This most recent guy was also twice my age, and I felt a stronger connection to him and feel like he actually cares about me. He said he cheats because of his insecurities, which I guess I can understand that maybe when you start getting into your 50s you may feel less attractive, but that doesn't justify anything.

Anyways, when I found out he was lying to me, I gave him a second (or third) chance but it only took him a week to cheat on me again. I wasn't upset this time, I was more just annoyed with how easy it was for these guys to lie. I found out he was meeting up with guys, he was on prep without telling me, etc. It probably also doesn't help that he used to do meth 20 years ago and also did some porn, but I try to not judge people based on their past. But obviously those are red flags for what I'm looking for lol

Anyways, here's what I really want to ask:

I've been dating here and there since my last two relationships ended terribly. I'm on a few apps and a dating site. It just seems like open relationships are the default, but it's really not what I want. I genuinely feel like I can't love more than one person at a time and don't get much enjoyment out of sleeping with a random guy, but that's obviously not how most guys feel, or maybe I've just been spending too much time in San Francisco? Haha, I honestly don't know.

So since I don't have a lot of experience in different cities or towns, are there cities that are more monogamous than others? Not that I'm considering moving, I just am curious if it's just the SF bay or if it's guys in most places.

And should I just come to terms with gays not being able to be monogamous for a long time? I can understand it if two people have been together for years and want to try to be open, but I haven't had a relationship last more than 6 months yet.

Also, how do you find hot monogamous guys?

Thanks

hi,

if you really want to find a monogamous homosexual, find a lesbian.

the human male is biologically promiscuous. men cheat on their wives. women cheating on their husbands happen less frequently.

try to be comfortable with the fact that any other guy (gay or straight) will hook up when the need arises. in the same way that i bet any normal guy can't last a week without jerking off assuming he's not hooking up with someone.

men will have sex for the satisfaction of having sex, the need of it. it doesn't mean he's in love with every guy he sleeps with.

 

[bankside]

I'm in my early 40s. What I see is that many of the guys who are good at having relationships are already in them. Many of the guys who are not skillful at it or never really wanted relationships are single. Some guys my age or older who are single have got some experience with relationships, they are seasoned, and they have sorted their shit out. Good older guys can be single for reasons beyond their control, or maybe they are even single because they finally gained control of a situation that was off the rails with a guy they had to cut out of their lives. They could have even found the loves of their lives already only to become a widower and have to start over.

If you are a younger guy you can definitely find decent older guys if that is what you are attracted to. But by the time they're in their 30's or 40's a lot of the decent ones are already happily unavailable. So you have to sort through the all the single older guys to figure out who is decent and single by chance, and who to stay away from because they're just a lifelong player with no serious intention of settling down, who is a cheater with insecurities that not even a 20 year old should have...

It is totally normal for two guys to be able to have a totally monogamous relationship giving each other lots of good sex and affection and stability for decades at a time. Any bullshit to the contrary is just an excuse from someone with no self control. Not sexy on a 20 year old or a 50 year old.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I'm in my early 40s. What I see is that many of the guys who are good at having relationships are already in them. Many of the guys who are not skillful at it or never really wanted relationships are single. Some guys my age or older who are single have got some experience with relationships, they are seasoned, and they have sorted their shit out. Good older guys can be single for reasons beyond their control, or maybe they are even single because they finally gained control of a situation that was off the rails with a guy they had to cut out of their lives. They could have even found the loves of their lives already only to become a widower and have to start over.

If you are a younger guy you can definitely find decent older guys if that is what you are attracted to. But by the time they're in their 30's or 40's a lot of the decent ones are already happily unavailable. So you have to sort through the all the single older guys to figure out who is decent and single by chance, and who to stay away from because they're just a lifelong player with no serious intention of settling down, who is a cheater with insecurities that not even a 20 year old should have...

It is totally normal for two guys to be able to have a totally monogamous relationship giving each other lots of good sex and affection and stability for decades at a time. Any bullshit to the contrary is just an excuse from someone with no self control. Not sexy on a 20 year old or a 50 year old.

Nail on head. I didn't want to mention age either because it tends to upset people on this forum but You are dating WAY too old. I don't care how mature you think you are, but your picking the wrong men, and it is because at that age, you may be getting "leftovers" (for lack of a better term) of the people of these guys' generations. I would not go over 15 years of your age (really should be 10 as you are still in your 20's), as this will allow you to truly relate with someone closer to your stage in life and grow with that person. At 50+, men don't change much. At this point in their lives they are who they always were and will be for the most part. Where as a fellow 24 year old could still reinvent himself. Aside from the cheating, I think this is the main reason why your relationships so far. These guys probably are jaded from love, or they were not really looking for it with you.

You may very well be only attracted to 50+ men, but at your age, it almost seems like you are trying to create that young adult fantasy of older role model/teacher which may be driving your attraction to that specific look.

In terms of other cites, monogamy does exist. I think your misfortune has to do with how you are qualifying who you let into your life.

 

[aaggii]

Nail on head. I didn't want to mention age either because it tends to upset people on this forum but You are dating WAY too old. I don't care how mature you think you are, but your picking the wrong men, and it is because at that age, you may be getting "leftovers" (for lack of a better term) of the people of these guys' generations. I would not go over 15 years of your age (really should be 10 as you are still in your 20's), as this will allow you to truly relate with someone closer to your stage in life and grow with that person.

Ok, this is incredibly fucking stupid. No one decides who to be attracted to, so each one should date whoever they want, regardless of age, sex, nationality etc. I can´t believe some gay people don´t understand it after all the shit straight peeps gave us.

My bf is twice as older than me and we lived together for 3 years. Problems? Sure. Because of the age difference? Not really, no.

thatsit, you need to meet people, you can´t decide all old men are the same because you´ve met 2 idiots. Cheating is cheating, whatever the reason behind it. I´ve had my share of liars and let me tell you that old men are the best at lying, they have experience doing it for so long. Of course that when you see everyone is into this open relationship trend, you get a bit disappointed but there are a lot of men thinking the way you do and wanting the same in a relationship. Make some profiles online, bearwww, biggercity, daddyhunt etc and describe yourself, let your expectations be known. Get ready to meet a lot of assholes first, though.

 

[thatsit]

Thanks for all of the replies. I'm going to respond to all of you.

if you really want to find a monogamous homosexual, find a lesbian.

the human male is biologically promiscuous. men cheat on their wives. women cheating on their husbands happen less frequently.
...
men will have sex for the satisfaction of having sex, the need of it. it doesn't mean he's in love with every guy he sleeps with.

I honestly don't really think that is true that the human male is biologically promiscuous. I would say that humans are biologically horny, but that doesn't mean their biology makes them lie to someone they are in a relationship with. I wouldn't even say their biology makes them sleep with more than one person. The issue that I really had a hard time with was that I told them I would be ok with them sleeping with other people but they chose to lie to me instead.

Although I may be younger than you, I've found an example of someone who hasn't cheated on anyone yet (hint: I'm talking about myself).

I'm in my early 40s. What I see is that many of the guys who are good at having relationships are already in them. Many of the guys who are not skillful at it or never really wanted relationships are single. Some guys my age or older who are single have got some experience with relationships, they are seasoned, and they have sorted their shit out. Good older guys can be single for reasons beyond their control, or maybe they are even single because they finally gained control of a situation that was off the rails with a guy they had to cut out of their lives. They could have even found the loves of their lives already only to become a widower and have to start over.

If you are a younger guy you can definitely find decent older guys if that is what you are attracted to. But by the time they're in their 30's or 40's a lot of the decent ones are already happily unavailable. So you have to sort through the all the single older guys to figure out who is decent and single by chance, and who to stay away from because they're just a lifelong player with no serious intention of settling down, who is a cheater with insecurities that not even a 20 year old should have...

It is totally normal for two guys to be able to have a totally monogamous relationship giving each other lots of good sex and affection and stability for decades at a time. Any bullshit to the contrary is just an excuse from someone with no self control. Not sexy on a 20 year old or a 50 year old.

Thank you for your response; that's definitely another way to look at the situation. Maybe I just am only seeing the "leftovers" because so many of the guys who don't have honesty issues are happily taken. I had thought of this before, but no one I have talked to has said it to me until now.

Nail on head. I didn't want to mention age either because it tends to upset people on this forum but You are dating WAY too old. I don't care how mature you think you are, but your picking the wrong men, and it is because at that age, you may be getting "leftovers" (for lack of a better term) of the people of these guys' generations. I would not go over 15 years of your age (really should be 10 as you are still in your 20's), as this will allow you to truly relate with someone closer to your stage in life and grow with that person. At 50+, men don't change much. At this point in their lives they are who they always were and will be for the most part. Where as a fellow 24 year old could still reinvent himself. Aside from the cheating, I think this is the main reason why your relationships so far. These guys probably are jaded from love, or they were not really looking for it with you.

You may very well be only attracted to 50+ men, but at your age, it almost seems like you are trying to create that young adult fantasy of older role model/teacher which may be driving your attraction to that specific look.

In terms of other cites, monogamy does exist. I think your misfortune has to do with how you are qualifying who you let into your life.

I definitely understand that. 26 years older than myself is a gigantic age difference and it is impossible for me to truly take on the perspective of a 50 year old. I have also heard things about how older generations may be less committed because when they were young there was "no such thing" as being in a gay relationship, but things have changed a lot in the last 25 years, apparently.

My first boyfriend (who didn't cheat on me ) was actually a couple years younger than myself. I don't know what it was that attracted me to him, but I haven't been able to find it in another guy my age since then. But I've always seen older guys as more masculine, whereas I see guys my age as "boys". It is very much a physical attraction, not so much psychological, as far as I can tell. I feel uncomfortable when a guy wants me to call him "daddy".

I really like your last sentence though. I feel like I may be letting too many people into my life who are not reflecting what I would like to see in myself or in a husband/partner. This is something I've recently been thinking about and I may have to become more selective...

you need to meet people, you can´t decide all old men are the same because you´ve met 2 idiots. Cheating is cheating, whatever the reason behind it. I´ve had my share of liars and let me tell you that old men are the best at lying, they have experience doing it for so long. Of course that when you see everyone is into this open relationship trend, you get a bit disappointed but there are a lot of men thinking the way you do and wanting the same in a relationship. Make some profiles online, bearwww, biggercity, daddyhunt etc and describe yourself, let your expectations be known. Get ready to meet a lot of assholes first, though.

Thanks. I'm glad you are enjoying your relationship with an older guy. Haha, you may be right about older men being good at lying too. I found it very unsettling how easy it was for them to lie straight to my face. I'll try to take your advice. After all, I only need to find ONE guy to be monogamous with, right? No one said it would be easy, and it shouldn't be easy.

 

[EJMichaels]

Some great advice in this thread. I'll just add one thing central to my thinking on the subject: "cheating" needs to be seen in its two parts -- dishonesty and sex outside the pair. One does not mean the other. Dishonesty should not be tolerated in any form. The sex part need not be a problem if it follows agreed-upon rules. I think many men, even those who are good "relationship material" have some capacity to seek sex with other partners. I believe it's possible to have monogamy that allows one or both partners to have occasional sex elsewhere -- with honesty.

 

[aaggii]

Thanks. I'm glad you are enjoying your relationship with an older guy. Haha, you may be right about older men being good at lying too. I found it very unsettling how easy it was for them to lie straight to my face. I'll try to take your advice. After all, I only need to find ONE guy to be monogamous with, right? No one said it would be easy, and it shouldn't be easy.

Just make sure you don´t settle with someone just because he is monogamous too. Like I said, meet people, enjoy life, gain experience. Let a relationship come up naturally, don´t force it and don´t jump into the arms of the first one showing interest. I know it hurts and it really sucks that men treat you badly but you´ll gain experience from this, you´ll learn to read people better, you´ll be better at relationships.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Monogamy exists, but you have to look for it, fight for it, and stand your ground. I agree with the others that you're looking in the wrong places if you're using hookup apps to find a relationship. Monogamous guys don't hang out on hookup apps. You're trying to find a nun in a whore house.

 

[tarallucci]

I'm having a similiar situation. I might agree with the fact that men are less prone to have a monogamous relationship, just like women are generally better at houseworks compared to men but it really depends on the person.

If it's a good person he will possibly tell you from the start what he thinks and demonstrate in time that he loves you with his behaviour.
I have met a few guys through those websites with nice profiles, talking about reliability, honesty etc but they turned out to be just like other guys who were looking for sex.
At this point I don't think I can find the right man on there, with all due respect to those few who really are good people and are having a hard time finding someone, sometimes because of the distance, but that's not the right place. You will think to have alot of options and see people who live near you but it's very likely that you will be disappointed. So I don't recommend the websites, I believe who's there is seeking sexual partners 99% of the times.

I also keep questioning myself about the age difference and monogamy. I mean, that's what I like and want, nothing else. I had no problems with a man 25 years older than me but even if we shared our views on different topics, we certainly did not have the same hobbies... and other than that, maybe the biggest problem is that an older man has basically lived half of his life without me and we will not age together.
Of course I would commit to a relationship of this kind if I found the right person, but I'm just saying that is not ideal, and it makes me think.

When I talked to some of those men with a profile where they were stating valuable things, it was like they got scared when I told them I wanted a long term relationship. Like I was marrying them that very moment

thatsit, what's left to do is looking for your man in the everyday life. Wherever you go school, work, hospice (ok sorry for this one ) there should be men you like (who are not married) so it can happen that you have the chance to approach them.
I don't know, you need street directions or you just shopping at the grocery... yeah it's not easy.
Anyway, be careful (of the "first-date-compliments") and don't be in a hurry. Good luck.

 

[KaraBulut]

Am I just going to have to accept an open relationship?

The answer partly depends on you.

In addition to the good advice above, one thing to think about: a lot of guys end relationships saying "He cheated on me". But when you ask them, "So, what are you looking for in a relationship?", they often answer, "I like [young/old], [blond/brunette], [circumcised/uncircumcised], [white/black/latino], etc."

They never put "monogamous" or "monogam-ish" on the list of what they're looking for.

If monogamy is what is most important on your list, you may need to compromise on the rest of your list. On the other hand, if the other stuff is really what is important, then yes- you will probably have to compromise on the issue of monogamy.

 

[deelong]

OMG I live near Chicago!

 

[borg69unimatrix]

OMG I live near Chicago!

...but are you monogamous ???

 

[deelong]

I am a strong believer in monogamy actually. I refuse to allow an outsider into my relationship.

 

[Seasoned]

My husband and I are monogamous and have been together 31 years. Monogamy is a choice and takes consciousness. The horny issue is a reason and an excuse. An issue not brought up is sex addiction and addiction to the chase. Choice is absent from these people unless they find recovery.

Some people want a partner, some want a lot of partners, some want casual or anonymous sex. They key is to find a person who wants what you want. Someone who is comfortable with their choice oughtn't have a problem being honest about it; someone who lies and cheats may be doing so because they don't want to lose the primary person in their life, or they might be lying because of addiction.

 

[checkinthingsout]

I definitely understand that. 26 years older than myself is a gigantic age difference and it is impossible for me to truly take on the perspective of a 50 year old. I have also heard things about how older generations may be less committed because when they were young there was "no such thing" as being in a gay relationship, but things have changed a lot in the last 25 years, apparently.

My first boyfriend (who didn't cheat on me ) was actually a couple years younger than myself. I don't know what it was that attracted me to him, but I haven't been able to find it in another guy my age since then. But I've always seen older guys as more masculine, whereas I see guys my age as "boys". It is very much a physical attraction, not so much psychological, as far as I can tell. I feel uncomfortable when a guy wants me to call him "daddy".

I really like your last sentence though. I feel like I may be letting too many people into my life who are not reflecting what I would like to see in myself or in a husband/partner. This is something I've recently been thinking about and I may have to become more selective...

Since you once dated a younger guy, it tells me that your attraction is not exclusive to men 50+. I think your attraction will start to fall in age once you hit 25/26. You will be going for 35-40 y/o. If you see guys your age as "boys" that means you also see yourself as a "boy", and only "men" as guys who are older. So any relationship you had with a man who wasn't a boy would be kind of like what I was trying to describe by referencing that role model/dad fantasy. Even so, I think that the relationship worked out because you all were able to relate more closely.

So just curious, what about men closer to your age make's them boys? Just their looks?

 

[TX-Beau]

I agree with Kara. If you don't really know what you are looking for beyond a grindr profile, you're going to be disappointed.

The reason most open relationships fail is because they aren't open relationships, they're problem monogamous ones. If you have to "settle" for an open relationship, you don't have one. There must be mutual intent and reciprocity for one to work. It's not an open relationship if he wants to fuck around, and you don't, that's dysfunction, don't confuse the two.

Some men are inherently monogamous, some men aren't, both types are capable of monogamy if properly motivated. Some men are just low down dirty dogs.


You're 24, you may feel like that's aged, but it's still pretty young out there beyond college. Older men who like to date college boys are kind of a type, and usually a type that isn't looking to play house for long with the college boy.

Some things to remember, don't think that "older" means he has any money.

Don't think that "older" means wiser. Sometimes he's still the douchbag he was at 24.

Dating means getting hurt occasionally, that's just the way it goes. We've all been there, dumped, used, taken for granted, cheated on, you suck it up and keep going.

 

[sixthson]

First of all, ignore Bruce379 and his ilk. There are monogamous guys in the world.

Second, perhaps the men you are interested in (older) are used to a certain kind of life that does not appeal to you. They are unlikely to change it for you. Maybe you need to reconsider all this.

 

[Seasoned]

The key is comparability, wants and needs. Monogamy is a choice, the same as having multiple partners is. And there's no gold star for either. Do what you want to do and don't do what you don't want to do. With the billions of people in the world you don't have to settle.

 

[Just_Believe18]

There are a couple of things to consider here.

One, you are basing your experiences of there being no monogamous men because you had two bad relationships and you're observing only what you're seeing on online hook-up apps. You're seeing a skewed version of the overall gay community. There are many, many men out there, especially in San Francisco, who are interested in dating one man. Don't give up.

Secondly, monogamy is not the only way to have a fulfilling relationship. If an open relationship is not for you, that makes sense. There is also polyamory, where you can love more than one person. You get to define the nature of your relationship. It's not just about sex. You can truly fall in love and be with more than one man who can all share a loving relationship with you.