Am I just running away from my problems?

[Txgoodoldboy]

I think you are having "buyer's remorse". In other words, most people will have some doubts before a major move or decision. If you decide on moving, you don't have to "be" like everyone else. Learn to be yourself, and pick your friends for what you want in friendship. Being gay or "out", in a larger city, is a little easier, because people are a little more accepting.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Okay here's the deal.

I'll answer your last comment first.

Ahhh it's all too confusing, it's fking terrible being gay, I hate it. Does anyone ever ponder why it had to happen to them?

Had to happen? You make it sound like being gay is some disease; something you pick up from not washing your hands before eating.

It must be terrible being gay where you live, because it sounds as if you're living you life in fear instead of enjoying all the things that you are. Being a precious human being is one of them. A person who deserves all the happiness and joy in life that others do.

Now on to your topic.

Years ago, when I was still in the closet, I felt like running away somewhere else would solve all of my problems. That way I could be myself, and not have to worry about friends or family knowing.

My best friend was the first openly gay guy that I ever knew. That came about because we met at work. When I explained to him my plans of "running away." He asked me, "To where?" I told him, and then he asked, "What are you running to?"

I didn't have an answer. What I could tell him though is what I was running away FROM.

I staid.

My reason was, is because my best friend convinced me that where ever I ran to, I would still be there along with all of my problems back home.

If you're running away to the "big city" because you have this vision of having lots of gay friends, being independent, and becoming the person that you want to be, then you should go to the big city and make those things happen!

Write those things down somewhere and don't forget them! That why you won't be doing what you're doing now and second guessing why you went looking for that job in the first place.

However, if your support network is "home" then maybe you should focus on coming out to one or two people that you trust, and staying there.

Gay isn't about "bitchy, drugged up dancers, that don't play sports."

Those are stereotypes, and can most often be found hanging on to a rail at a bar, dancing their drugged up asses off at a club, and the only sport that they like to play is a how many guys they can lay in a night. That element of the population exists for sure.

However, there are Gay Softball teams, and bowling leagues, and book clubs, and Community Support Organizations, and Political Organizations, and a whole other arena to meet healthy emotionally stable guys!

The relationship angle isn't as "instantly gratify" as a night at the clubs, but in the longterm you stand the chance of meeting a group of guys who's concern for your well being is more important than their desire to get into your pants.

You can't know that world completely from the dark shadows of a closet, or some remote city far off; a place where you're out and the people back home don't really "know" you anymore.

I think that I'm pretty sure where you're at with all of this. I could have written your post a few years ago.

It's not easy to be sure. It hurts, and it's painful everyday. But staying and doing nothing is about the same as going and hoping to do something You seem to have more of a plan if you stay where you're at.

If you have some great opportunities moving to the "big city" then go there. You'll have enough to keep you busy settling in to keep you from dealing with any of this right now. However, sooner or later the issue will arise again, and you may just be in the same place that you are now.

No Regrets! It does get better, I promise!

 

[spreadeagle]

I think you really need to go to the bigger city and take up the job. At some stage all young men need to go out and seek their fortunes. This is especially true for gay men who have always congregated in cities because of the anonymity, freedom and opportunity it provides.

Of course it's terrifying; there'd be something wrong with you if you didn't feel scared. We crave what is familiar, but part of growing up is getting to understand yourself better and putting yourself into a new, strange environment is a fantastic opportunity to discover your strengths and weaknesses.

Please don't feel that you need to conform to any gay stereotype - if you;re moving to a city like Sydney or Melbourne there are certain to be Gay rugby and swimming and tramping clubs where you can meet other gay friends without ever having to party, wear sequins or get trashed. I suggest that after you arrive in the city and get settled you phone the gay helpline or read a gay newspaper to get information about what social organisations are available.

Remember, if you don't like it in the big city you can always return home with some experience and perspective behind you. Having demonstrated your ability to be independent and self-directed you'd then find it easier to come out at home and could live there not having to suffer the regrets of someone who has always dreamed of getting out but has never had the courage to try.

 

[Orlandude]

"Be careful what you wish for. You may get it". I don't know who said that but they were right. I think you should move to the bigger city. It will be good for you and, if nothing else, will help you grow as a person and expand your horizons. As others have said, drop the stereotypes. You don't have to associate with people like that unless you want to. The larger city will expose you to MANY different kinds of people, including types that you will never meet in a small town. Give yourself a good year or so because it will take that long to get adjusted and meet new people. After a year, stop and reflect on what you have done. If you still feel that you want to go back to the small town life, then it's a lot easier to make the decision...and you can always go back. I think you are having fears of the unknown, which is normal. But if you don't try to make changes in your life, you will never change. My hunch is that once you move and get settled in, you won't look back. I can tell you from my own experiences that going back will never be the same. Life goes on and people change. You will change. You are still young and now is the time to do these things. Don't wait until you are an old man and say (with regret) that "I wish I had done this or that". DO IT! As I said, if nothing else, the experience alone will make you a better person and more confident in yourself and what you want...and don't want.

 

[VICTORIADON]

Dear ausboy:
You have lived a sheltered life for 23 years in a small outback town.
It is time to leave the nest, spread your wings and soar like the eagle you are meant to be.
Don

 

[NickCole]

Sounds like wedding day jitters. You've been wanting something that you've believed would change your life for the better and now that it's here you're worried it won't pan out or you won't be up to the challenges involved. It can be scary heading off on a new journey.

Very normal.

Take the job and go ahead with your plans. You can always move back to your small town if you want to.

This is a chance to start fresh, a blank slate. Use it. Make a life that you own, live on your terms, be genuine and assertive. If you like sports then be involved in sports -- you'll find people, including gay men, who like the same things you do.

If you come out and live an authentic life you will no longer think it's fucking terrible being gay, whether you stay in the city or return to a small town.

You're doing the right thing.

 

[sentirpromesas]

(in)migration is actually the history of queer peoples in the united states...however, just like everyone above me said, it can only help u better if u feel u can become a better person...in reality very few of us fit the mold of a gay man...i dont use drugs...i suck a dancing...ok i dont play too many sports, but i love running...but being gay isnt about being part of a homogeneous group...gay is like everything else, diverse and beautiful, including its flaws...the big city will offer u anonymity, a fresh new outlook, and possibly a new beginning...but u must remember that eventually u have to come back from this new life and face ur old life...if u dont, then u will always be a dissected whole, a parted individual with one face lookin forward and the other lookin back...

 

[luminum]

If it's any indication, many guys before you have come to JUB feeling like they'll never make it int he gay community because they "just don't fit the gay mould." My assumption, then, is that no one fits the gay mould and everyone thinks they'll never be able to exist as themselves in a gay society because they all think that the other is 'more gay' than them.

So you're fine. Just be yourself, go to gay places, meet gay people, and you'll see that no one compeltely ever fits the preconception of gay men that you have.

 

[tallguy297]

G'day Ausguy,

Well mate... this is really about where you are at in accepting yourself...and i know that I've said this to you before...but now maybe you've got a little better understanding of yourself now that you're escape plan is right there in front of you.

No matter where you are you will be surrounded by people...some who will genuinely care for you and love you for who you are..not what you are...and others who will go through the motions. Acceptance of being gay in bigger towns can all be a little bit of a facade. Sure, people are exposed to more and varied things in the cities so the shock value dies...and people just dont care. And that can be the point. Superficially bigger towns and cities are more accepting. Deep down I think that you'll find people are just people. And chances are the stereotypical gay mould will be harder to shake in a bigger town.

Look mate, my point is this. No matter where you are you will surround yourself with people who love you and care for you. You can do that in a town of 1000, 10000 or a million. You will know a lot of people but no matter where you are you will always only have a handful of true loyal trusting friends. Being in a bigger city just means more strangers.

You are at a point in your life where self acceptance and having the confidence to be open and honest with people is far more important than where you live. I know people who live in smaller towns than you who say that they are not big enough. I know people who live in capital cities who move to other capital cities cause they are not big enough. Its not the size of the town mate...its your ability to be happy and confident in yourself to stand up and be strong.

Yes, sheer numbers in larger towns mean theres more people to meet and get to know. But that doesnt mean the quality of the people is any different.

Mate, you're a good guy. You are stills struggling to accept yourself and what being gay does or doesnt mean. Your question at the end of your post shows that...and most of us have been there. Its nothing to be ashamed of or scared of. You dont fit the mould because there isnt one...just as there isnt a str8 mould. We are all different and all at different stages and places in our lives. We have different interests and different passions. And we are battling our own demons to a more or less degree...the same as you.

But running away wont change your state of mind. My fear for you is that you will be lonely...superficial acceptance and friends are easy to find. Real deep supportive friendships take time to cultivate and build. Why do you feel that you will trust others more easily than those around you who you have know for years and who have been there in the past?

You have made huge strides in such a short time...you're a guy with great morals and values...these are the things that your friends and family will see. Maybe leaving that support behind at a time when you'll need it most is not the right thing to do.

Aus, you are the only one who knows the answer to this...but its not a race. The grass is not greener...its how you look at it. With time the novelty wears off.

Be honest with yourself. Are you sure moving will give you the extra courage you need? Its in you now mate. The strength and courage you need to move forward in your life regardless of where you live are in you right now. You just need to trust...and that wont ever change.

 

[recuerdeme]

For someone who doesn't act gay you are doing a very "gay" thing which is moving for the sole purpose of expanding your gayness.

My decision would be based on a better job, more money, higher quality of life...etc.

Besides, gay people aren't that great to know (for the most part) nor are they that different from straight people.

 

[colemanshs]

Go! Get away from everything you know. Get out of your comfort zone. It'll take a little getting used to at first but after a while you'll love it!

 

[Jeimuzu]

Find a few gay guys to go clubbing with in your vague area. Going to any club on your own when you're not that confident is horrific, I agree. When you're with friends, there's nothing you'd rather do.

 

[Soilwork]

I don't fit the gay mould. I feel out of place in gay bars and have only ever been once, I've never done drugs, I'm not bitchy, I never dance, I play sport.. I just don't feel very gay you know. (please note, i do realise not all queer guys do drugs and dance and don't play sport).. but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm going to find it hard to mix with other gay guys as I feel, look and act very much like a str8 guy. Plus, I've never mixed with many gay people, it's very daunting for me.

think of this as a virtual back-hand.

you're being a twit.

There's LOTS of kinds of gay people, and simply because you don't fit in with the gay club scene doesn't mean you don't fit "the gay mold".

There IS no gay mold.

There's lots of different kinds of gay people, and yes Virginia, there are lots of gay men who like to play sports and don't do drugs.

I, as I've beaten people over the head with, dont' do drugs, dont' go to bars much, and I ride a motorcycle with a gay biker club.

When you get to your big city, seek out a few gay sports teams.. find a gay soccer league or a gay team that plays whatever sport you play. You'll meet gay men that you have things in common with, guys you can call friends. Hey, you guys wanna go to a bar together for a bit of fun... great.. if you'd rather go for a run, you can do that too.

And yes... you might even want to come out... what a concept.