Am I justified in being irritated and upset about this?

[BlondeCanadian]

So this guy I have been talking to for three years and I were planning on finally meeting up in a couple months (I was going to fly to visit him and take time off of work) When I look on his dating profile and it says in an open relationship. I of course ask him about this thinking we talk almost every day why would I not know about this?... Turns out he has been seeing a guy a year and been in an official three month open relationship with him. I ask why he did not tell me and he says that he didnt think I needed to know because it would not change anything between us..

Mind you I never thought anything beyond fuck buddies and friendship was likely, but there was still a possibility there. If he didnt think this would change anything between why did he never mention it when I thought we were friends. He assumes that I would be okay with fooling around with someone who is in an open relationship (I am not sure how I feel about this, like if both him and his partner were fucking around separately i dont think it wouldbe a problem). I am hurt he didnt tell me, disapointed slightly and a little wary because I can help feeling llike I do not know him and shouldnt trust him..He thinks I am being irrational and dramatic

plans to visit are on a indefinite hiatus

 

[Benvolio]

I would be wary. You are investing travel expense and time off work, so what do you expect in return? If you will be satisfied with several days of fun, OK. If you are expecting more I am sceptical. You are the one making a sacrifice to meet him, and he has mislead you at a minimum. He obviously is not as serious as you are..

 

[Seasoned]

I think I'd plan to travel elsewhere. Being in a relationship is something friends share.

 

[palbert]

I don't know where he lives but I/you can already think of better places to visit.

 

[jensu846]

arent there any local guys to hang out with and play?? seems like alot of time, money and effort on your part, and nothing on his end except a happy ending, then you leave. doenst sound good. he aleady sounds a bit mischieveous.

 

[Rolyo85]

How was there a "possibility" of anything if you have to "fly" to meet him? How can there be a possibility if you haven't even met him?

And yes, this is fishy - being in a relationship - open, closed or kinda closed over - is not something you keep from people if you're an honest guy.

 

[racer2438]

If he lied/with held/ not honest for the get go... what else is he hiding... your better off either saving your hard earned money or go somewhere else. But don't go to see him......something fishy......

 

[TX-Beau]

OK enough about him let's talk about you. No one in here knows what he's up to - we don't know if he's lying and NOT in an open relationship, or if he's in one his partner is peachy keen about. You can't know either, because you DON'T know the guy, you have a digital avatar as a friend who is controlling all the information you have about him. That's all that is. You won't know him until you're around him, seeing how he behaves, who he runs with, who he's fucking in an environment he doesn't completely control.

So why are you thinking of "flying," (which implies some distance,) just for a fuck? I assume that was your intention here right? You kinda said that. Are you really just thinking about this guy as a fuck buddy? Or were you, somewhere in your head, nourishing the expectation that this might LEAD somewhere? How invested in this guy are you really? Has this kept you from looking for easier and more honest interactions closer to home?

Feelings have no ethical dimensions. They are not right and they are not wrong. You feel what you feel. Where you get into questions of right and wrong is what you do about them. That's true for all the feelings you have.

If you've tried to talk your feelings out in a CONSTRUCTIVE way - i.e. no drama no vindictive pettiness, and he won't engage, or take you seriously, you need to back off and deal with your feelings on your own, find someone else to have that fuck buddy thing with, look for other options, and be wary of what this guy tells you as a matter of self preservation.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

Just to clarify yes he lives far away.. originally he was moving to the city i live in but was denied a work visa here, now he is in phoenix and we had skyped enough that i thought it would not be a big deal to go visit since i can now afford it... There really isnt anything local around here in toronto that i have found.... I am not hugely invested in this, as i said i saw nothing but a very slight possibility.. as he was originally planning on moving here and i am also 21 and my future is far from set in stone. Thank you all for the confirmation.. and yes I did try to express it in a constructive way.. and he was actually really hesitant to get into it and when he did he did alot of deflecting back at me and things i have done which have made me really hesitant to trust him..