am i losing a friend?

[hairbway207]

hey, okay so i have this friend at school and we met through a mutual friend and are actually living in a suite together this year. we would usually get meals together and hang out sometimes just like watching tv and stuff. i really like spending time with him but sometimes i get the feeling we aren't really friends, just that he has no one better to be hanging out with. he doesn't really answer my texts or facebook messages either. we talk on aim a lot even during our breaks which we're on one right now. the past couple months i've been feeling close enough to tell him things about how im feeling and how i get down on myself and stressed out. he tries to give me some advice but i feel like i bother him when i tell him things like that because the advice would usually end the conversation because he wouldn't write back after i respond. now he's not answering my texts or fb messages even when they're not about those things, just like funny stories i want to tell him (i think he's "cyber" avoiding me). all this makes me feel like we're not really as close as i thought. i really wanna be his best friend (and i keep thinking maybe i have a crush on him but im not sure - not out by the way). i think he almost opened up to me the other night but then he didn't which i guess means he doesnt feel close enough to me...
i don't know if i'm looking for advice or whatever, i just don't know what to do to fix this friendship. if he even thinks of me as a friend.
thanks

p.s. he's graduating this year and i'm not and i'm afraid he's never gonna talk to me again because he doesn't have to be around me when he graduates.

 

[Rand]

from the description, I think the friendship is too one-sided. You have more invested in this relationship than he does and he does not seem interested in investing more. I get the feel that he is a kind person that does not want to hurt you by being too direct in shunning you or avoiding you, but he is doing the least amount required.

doing the minimum is not friendship. It is casual acquaintanceship. You sound like you would make a great friend to someone. Go out and find people with similar interests and be a friend. Invest in them and see if you are getting the dividends you think you deserve. If not, go invest elsewhere.

The best thing you can do with this one is back off and respond when he initiates and to the extent he wants. You seem to have really good intuition about people and your relationship with them - trust it rather than your wishes. Unfortunately, what we wish was, is not what is, at least not without work and commitment from both parties. Good luck

do celebrate your life -
do take care of yourself.

Rand

 

[skips]

It sounds like you'd be better off in a more reciprocal friendship, one where both people are on the same page friendship-wise.

I can only guess, but it sounds as though this guy doesn't invest as much into this friendship as you do. I think you'd be much better off just cutting your losses and start spending more time looking for a different caliber of friend(s).

 

[curboi321]

I was going through the exact same thing last year and even after I did everything I could to be a good friend he still didn't care and only wanted to talk to me when he wanted to. I eventually told him enough was enough and we haven't talked since, which shows he never really cared in the first place.

 

[KaraBulut]

Texting and email is like icing on a cake. It's nice but there's a point where too much icing and too little cake gets to be a pretty empty experience.

The problem is that underlying this isn't a substantial friendship- it's pretty puny on the cake side of things. You want it to be a substantial friendship but it's probably more of a "hanging out" kind of thing that he does when he wants someone to hang out with. There's nothing wrong with that- we all need those kinds of friends- but once the hanging out ends, there's really not a lot to the relationship.

Since the two of you aren't really doing much together and it's becoming more and more about texting and non-personal contact, it's apparent that this is probably just a temporary, convenience thing.

If you want real friends, then find people who are interested in both hanging out and actually having a more substantial, lasting relationship. And put down the handheld device and spend time with people listening, talking and laughing.

 

[hairbway207]

so i should just drop this guy all together? what if i called him out on it, when he contacts me, and tell him my feelings on how this is one sided. we have a lot in common and i really wanna try to make this work...
and i still have to live with him for another semester. i wanna try to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he's going through something and is acting like this to all his friends(?)

 

[Fireballs]

I wouldn't call him out on it, it'd probably just make him distance himself from you even more. I just wouldn't invest too much time into him because obviously it's too one-sided so I say just screw him. Roommates don't always have to be great friends, and this may be the case here...but I wouldn't fret over it too much, his loss of what could be a great friendship.

 

[KaraBulut]

so i should just drop this guy all together? what if i called him out on it, when he contacts me, and tell him my feelings on how this is one sided. we have a lot in common and i really wanna try to make this work...
and i still have to live with him for another semester. i wanna try to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he's going through something and is acting like this to all his friends(?)

Getting things off your chest might you feel better but it seldom accomplishes what you set out to do. Think about this for a moment- if someone that you didn't see often suddenly unloaded on you about not spending your available time with them, would this encourage you to spend more time with them?

Treat him like a roommate. If you're around at the same time, you can do something nice like make dinner or go get pizza. But roommates don't have the obligation to be your friend.

It would be better if you found your own friends and treat this guy as a roommate for now.

 

[hairbway207]

well we're not "in the same room" roommates, he lives in one of the rooms of my suite. but its like i said i want to try to give him the benefit of the doubt. maybe he's going through something. or maybe this is just how he treats all of his friends and doesn't know how to show anyone how much he cares about them..

 

[trikky]

I think you need to give the guy some space for both your sakes. Everyone has different levels of interaction that they are comfortable with and also it depends on how many friends they have too. Some people like to be phoning and texting all the time and some don't. I think the fact that you live together and also have all the texting etc going on may be too much for him, which is why he is switching off. The hint that you want even more involvement will probably totally switch him off you. I think you need to look to widen your circle of friends a bit so that all your emotions are not all invested in one place, then your relationship with him will probably improve.
I recently met up with an old school friend who I hadn't seen for over 10 years, and we don't really have anything in common now. He doesn't have a lot of friends but from the moment we met he didn't stop phoning me at all hours and wanted to meet up with me all the time and was talking about us hanging out all the time etc etc. It was just too intense for me and maybe this is similar to your friend.

 

[ArabStud]

so i should just drop this guy all together? what if i called him out on it, when he contacts me, and tell him my feelings on how this is one sided. we have a lot in common and i really wanna try to make this work...
and i still have to live with him for another semester. i wanna try to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he's going through something and is acting like this to all his friends(?)

I know exactly how you feel man. I have a very similar (and much messier story but that's for another time) and I am telling you now, if you want to be friends with him then go for it and do all you can to make it even a better one. He is a real friend but who is possibly confused or lost and is probably just the type who takes texts etc for read, i.e. not necessarily always on the buzzer to reply. That should not make you doubt his friendship towards you.

I'd go and have a chat with him one time and tell him that you mean a lot to him as friends and that you are always there for him and he will more than likely return the compliment