Am I really being too controlling ?

[Chris111]

Hey guys, so I've been in a long distance relationship for about 2 years now. We both live half way across the world and though the distance has been hard for us but we still manage to pull off. However, we have been arguing a lot lately and I did tell him that we are incompatible and ask for a break up but he wanted me to give us another chance and sort it out which I did.

Recently, he wanted to go on a night out with his friend who's is gay and his friend mom to a gay club. I told him how I feel about it and I really don't like the idea of it but he told me that its his culture to go to a gay club and talks with other guys to socialize so I just have to deal with it. I do trust him being faithful and not cheat but I just don't like the idea of him going to a gay club and people usually have the tendency to have more than just a chat. He said it was for the sake of his friend to meet other guys and he must go to the gay club.

We had a lot going on lately and we had a big argument over this as he think I'm just being close minded and wants me to deal with his culture of going to the gay club despite i told him I don't feel comfortable with it. Though at the very last second he said he turn around and they went to a pub instead. All his friends and family were saying I'm too insecure and controlling for doing this.

He has been having night out at the pub in his area with his several friends who are gay ever since we got together and I haven't bat an eyelid as I trust him not to do anything with any of his friends, sometimes he invite his other friend that they used to experiment with each other several times to have gaming nights and one time one of his friend visited him and ask for a little session, he refuses and I told him to stay away from him since he has agenda but he would still invite him to his place after a few months for his little card session. All these I've to accept it and didnt exactly make a big fuss about it apart from the little annoyance when he still want to have a night card session with his friend that used to have an agenda.

Am I being too controlling asking him not to go to the gay club despite i talked to him how I feel about it. We did almost break up as I pointed out I had to accept all his other night outs and I ask for him if he could just not do it this time and he finds me just negative and said he is only doing it for his gay friend so deal with it or leave.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK. We don't know what his "culture" might be but obviously you don't trust him, at all.

You really need to back off and not date guys who are going to inspire this kind of angst.

You don't trust him, which seems to be your issue, and you will never have a successful relationship until you can trust someone.

 

[aaggii]

Are there plans for you to move together or at least close to each other? Long distance is a bitch, you can´t live your life as you wish and you won´t let the other guy do it either.

 

[Chris111]

Well yeah we do have plans for it, I came out for him which is a big deal where I live in as it is seen as a big sin or whatever. He is my first relationship though and I'm only 19, I hate to say but sometimes I have no idea what to do in these sort of situation and I feel like I've been living in a sheltered life.

I do trust him or so I think, I mean I did trust him that one time when he said he didnt do anything unfaithful when he share a bed with another guy and both of them were kinds drunk.

I don't why but I just feels like gay club is some sort of hunting ground but that's how I perceive it from what I've seen though I never been to one before. Like I said,being with him made me see things a lot wider which some I wasn't used to but I did try to sort out my own.

 

[KaraBulut]

You don't mention how often you see each other but there's not much you can do to "control" either his behavior or his fidelity when you're far, far away from each other.

One of you has to make a decision about how much of a relationship it can be if you're far apart and you're trying to be faithful to each other. Life is short and at age 19, there's a lot of life to be lived.

If you decide to continue in the relationship, then you may need to be more realistic about the issue of monogamy unless the two of you are able to be physically together in the same room on a regular basis.

 

[swerve]

It sounds like you are in a relationship with him -- and he isn't in a relationship with you...

My advice -- follow through with the break-up -- and don't let him talk you out of it...

 

[aaggii]

Agree with the last posts, maybe you two are in different positions when it comes to this relationship. You can´t and shouldn´t want to watch every step your boyfriend does even when you are together IRL, so the longer the distance between you, the easier to feel jealousy or make scenarios in your head that might not even be true. It´s still hurtful to a relationship. Keep in mind that online, someone can be the perfect match, because they only show you what they want you to know, but when it comes to real life, that´s where the differences between you two begin to notice.

 

[eastofeden]

The concept of long distance relationships is foreign to me...I am assuming you have never met in person but maybe I am wrong....

If you don't trust him...find someone you do trust. That would be my advice.

 

[Seasoned]

In my opinion you ought to be more carefree at age 19. You seem to be spending more time monitoring his life than living your own.

Given the distance and your age I'd break up. Short of that, drop the monogamy requirement. Both of you deserve a sex life.

 

[mcbrion]

Have you met in person yet?

 

[mcbrion]

Swerve, If you don't know someone else's culture, you might be jumping to conclusions. Not everyone approaches a bar as Americans do, regardless. I saw this happen enough in San Francisco, where someone else came from a different culture. A Japanese guy going out to bars is going to have a completely different experience than you are, since gay life in Japan is pretty closeted. Merely knowing what it's like in America doesn't mean it has the same meaning in another culture. The OP hasn't clarified where his friend lives. Without that, there is insufficient information to even make reasoned speculations.
On the other hand, it does sound like the OP does not trust this person, but again, if you haven't met, it's all typing and Skyping (if that's happened). If you haven't met, calling it a "relationship" is a stretch when you haven't held a guy in your arms, kissed him,or shared a meal with him. So, when do you plan to meet, if you haven't done so already?
What seems alien to me is talking about 'breaking up': how can one break up with someone without sufficient face to face experience? This seems to be a virtual reality connection, not a based-in-reality relationship. I know you might have feelings, but without actual experience with the person, again, it's not as though you know his true character. You might want to see this as a hopeful experience, where you hope it will be as it is online. But at this point, that is all it seems to be.

 

[Chris111]

Well yeah, mcbrion is right about the culture. I live in Asia which being gay is a big issue and I do admit I live in a sheltered life, not that I choose it but that's I was bought up. He on the other hand lives in the UK which he sometimes brand it as the sex country,almost 70% of his friends are all gay and half of them were from Grindr but they stay as friends with no sexual interaction.

Maybe my perception is wrong but to me gay club is like a gay sauna but just with booze and drugs sometimes that's why I was a bit iffy about the whole gay club.

I did met him before, so far only 3 times with him over here twice and me going to his place once to visit each other. We do clash in culture sometimes like he loves to tells everyone I'm his while I am more discreet so he is more open while I am in terms of these gay issue as it was just bad being gay in my country.

I guess maybe my country is more paranoid or the people I mix with,but many things people here seen as cheating is perfectly normal in the UK like going to the gay club,having loads of gay friends and having night outs drinking or even sharing the same bed with another gay guy. Here round straight or gay, in the same hotel room is bad enough to flip the other half let alone sleeping the same bed.

I do want to sort it out but I feel so conflicting,its like what I've seen and bought up and told now has to be wash away and have to accept the brand new way of doing things.

 

[TX-Beau]

You can't ever control someone else, obsessing over it is just going to make you miserable. Here's some advice, you choose to trust, or you don't. it's that simple.

I'm trying to find a way to say this next nicely, since you're young and probably don't have much experience - here goes, what you are trying to do is make your distrust of him, his fault. It doesn't matter about culture, you want him to alter his behavior because you are feeling jealous. That is a sure way to push him away, and no matter what he does, you aren't going to feel satisfied.

Even if you had cause, which you don't seem to, that kind of projection will poison your relationships.

This is exacerbated by the fact that you live on the other side of the planet, and I'm sorry, no sane person is going to call the internet and 3 meetings a relationship. If there are no plans for him to move to you or you to move to him, where exactly is this headed in the first place? Are you just going to expect him to be celibate? What about you?

 

[Chris111]

I guess my level of trust has been destroyed since I've been betrayed several times in friendships as they wanted to join the popular kids in school but at least they crawl back lol but I do find trusting is hard.

We both are actually working on moving in together with both of us starting college so it gives me a better opportunities to be able to move around and he is planning to after 2 years. He also introduce me to all his family as well so that's a good start and so do I except he was posed as my best friend cause being gay is a big issue that would strain all ties.

I really don't know how a open gay life works and most things you see are always about gay people are quite open and stray and I'm not saying all but that's how most are about when you look around the forums or even chat to so it just adds more unnecessary discomforts for myself.

We've been talking for 2 years everyday for about 5 hours a day in total, when we get our free time and after we finished our college usually. But we are now on a break since I feel really guilty about what have i become and trying to sort myself out before I make any decisions.

 

[Seasoned]

As someone approaching age 70, I'd advise both of you, at your ages, to make this time of your lives about your individual development to reach your full academic potential. I believe that if things are meant to be they'll happen. It's really quite impossible to know the full impact living, studying and working in a foreign culture would have on you. Worrying about a relationship while going through that could sabotage your success. The problems that will arise as you're navigating a new life will bring stress and strain on any relationship, including all the ones back home. I think your priority has to be clear. Do you want to be a student or do you want to be a boyfriend? Which comes first? After moving, you may discover that an Anglicised Japanese boy would be a more compatible match.

 

[Georgiadude]

to answer your original question, yes. you are being too controlling. he's young, has friends and wants a social life. what do you expect him to do, stay home and knit you some sox? I understand there are cultural differences. you're expecting him to follow yours and abandon his. you're assuming all gay bars are hookup hot spots and that's simply not true. of course it happens but many guys go with friends to hang out, laugh and have some fun. it doesn't mean he's stepping out on you.

I'm afraid this "relationship" is doomed. thers just too many obstacles to overcome. sure breaking up sucks but in the end both of you will be happier.

Steven

 

[mcbrion]

When you don't have the freedom of your own thoughts, are closeted, and only have unhealthy beliefs you have been bought up with, it's hard to know who you are. And even harder to understand that other cultures, whose way of looking at gay life is less restrictive, means your perspective towards this guy is polluted with few and anxiety and a sense that he might not be totally yours. But he has introduced you to his family and told them who you are to him, and has travelled a great distance to see you twice. That says something about him.

YOU, on the other hand, are succumbing to all sorts of negative stereotypes about gays, but, as you said yourself you have no idea what gay life is truly about. It certainly isn't sordid and clandestine, as you are making it out to be. Why is it so easy for you to believe the ugly stuff and not the more uplifting history of gays?? We've done some wonderful things, you know - and we don't usually start wars, go around killing people for religious reasons, or force other people to be in the closet. You have some destructive ideas running around in your mind, and you seem to accept that they're actually the 'way it is' when it actually isn't 'the way it is.' Until you actually learn the freedom from fear that can come from being a persecuted minority, you're not seeing things in a healthy way. I mean, you're gay, and yet your perception of gays is that it's all bars, and sex. That's a whole lot of fantasy on your part. We're all just people whose main difference is merely sexual orientation: we like someone of our own gender. Other than that, we're not that different than anyone else. You'll need to come to that understanding, or you will create a very unhappy life for yourself, and the life you create with this other person will be equally unhappy. And then it may eventually fall apart because you don't truly think of yourself as a decent person.

You're gay, and it would be best for you if you thought of it as something honorable and respectable and not gross and devious. You can't be part of a culture - or ANY minority, for that matter - and dislike that minority: you will eventually grow to hate yourself, and that's a disaster that you don't want to choose.