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Am I supposed to sacrifice my happiness...

Piggy,

When I started reading this thread this morning my first inclination was just like everyone else's.......Screw them. It's your life and your happiness. As I read, however, I was reminded of a couple of friends who live very full, very gay, and very happy lives all without the knowledge of their mother.

The first is a couple who have lived together and owned several homes together for almost 20 years. Deception is easy as I assume that the parents don't want to believe that these guys are anything but "room mates". When relatives come to visit there are his and his bedrooms. The parents participate in the lie much more that these guys do. Anyone with a half cocked gaydar could spot either of my friends and know they are gay, but the families don't want to know and even if they suspect in the back of their little pee brains they don't want to believe and thus with a little rearrangement of sleeping arraignments everyone is happy.

The other situation involves a woman I know who is completely unaware that her daughter is a lesbian. These are people I've know since high school. I've had a business relationship with the woman and casually know the daughter over the years. About 18 years ago I ran into the daughter at a gay bar. I had just come out and she stated that she never could as it would just kill her mother (who I know to be about as right wing as they come). As far as I know she's been able to maintain the facade all these years because the family has on it's blinders. Again, the daughter is not someone who shrinks away from living life that might appear pretty gay to anyone else looking in.

Long story longer, I wanted to tell you that coming out was the only way for you to be happy, but as I looked around me I realized that you have to create your own happiness and that may or may not be like mine or anyone else's happiness.

My mother asks about my partner every time we speak even though she might not remember talking to me 10 minutes later. My partner had never come out to his family, but they were perfectly kind when I showed up with him to his father's funeral. My best friend has all but severed the relationship he has with his family because they refuse to acknowledge his partner.

YOU have to find your happiness. Whatever has or has not worked for any of us here at JUB can be used to help you in this quest, but in the end it is what works for you that is important.

(*8*)
 
If your family truly accept who you are then they must accept your lifestyle as well, in an open way socially...meaning, don't hide from anyone. They're the ones being selfish, they're only thinking about how THEIR name's gonna be seen like after your other relatives know you're gay.

YOUR happiness is more important since you're your own person and nobody's gonna live your life for you. Yes, it's selfish but being selfish in moderation is healthy since it means you think of yourself. I think this is one of those "sink or swim" situations. If you do what your family wants, you'll sink, if you do what you want and fight for YOUR happiness, you'll swim. Sure, it'll be tough, nothing's every easier, specially decisions such as these...family is something very important in our lives wich is what makes it all the more harder. But, a life lived in the shadow of other people is not worth...be independent and live YOUR life.

Hope everything works out for the best. Keep us posted on how's it going. Best of luck!(*8*)
 
Fear of cultural beliefs and expectations are not uncommon among some of us. Words as "torn between the happiness of my family or mine" show that you are still dealing with your own coming out process and not so subtle family demands.

You have lived most of your life within a traditional family. Homophobia is not uncommon but worse is the internalized homophobia some experience as a result: Guilt, fear, sadness, lack of trust, low self-esteem, etc. This whole "sacrifice" discourse seems to be an example. Don't fall into the trap. You and your mother have the same right to be happy without denying who you are.

Being gay is not a lifestyle choice is who we are. Have you consider exploring counseling or additional resources at this stage? Organizations as PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), GLAS (Gay and Lesbian Arabic Society) or similar might offer some additional resources relevant to your scenario. Good luck.

http://www.glas.org/
http://community.pflag.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2


P.S.: Consider moving this thread to the Coming Out forum for additional input and similar experiences.
 
I think its an internal struggle rather than an external one.

If you deals with your internal struggle successfully, the outside force is not really an issue because you are in the land of the free.
 
NO, you need to live your life for you not for them.

You only have one life and you have to make the best of it and do what make you happy.

You were not born a robot for someone to turn on and off at there whim.

You if do change for them, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life..
 
Piggy said:
Never. My immediate family won't, but I bet some of extended family will do that.

When I say some of relatives are bastards, it's because they've tried to hurt my family before.
Click to expand...

They tried to hurt in what way? Physically? :?
 
Piggy, don't ever underestimate your mother. As I read your post and all the comments from everyone, I'm not sure you or your brothers actually know what she would say or how she would think. A mother instinctively knows, trust me. They do. I would bet that if you discussed it with her at the right time that her reaction may be far different than what you expected. You are projecting how you and your brothers THINK she will react. That doesn't make it so and that's why you are feeling the way you are. Do not make yourself miserable over this.

Are you suppose to sacrifice your happiness? Absolutely not!! As for the relatives, exactly what are they going to say or do? I would bet that your mother would never tell them anything and, even if she did, would defend you to the teeth. My gut feeling is that she would never tell them and I don't even know your Mom. My own mother knows the deepest and darkest secrets of the family but wild horses couldn't pull it out of her. I did not have to tell her I was gay. She asked me. With my parents anyway, when they ask a question, they already know the answer. The reason she asked me was because she never saw me with women, only men. Male roommates, buddies, didn't bring home female dates, etc...never women. No she is not happy about it but she accepts it because that's what I am. She doesn't accept "gayness" but she accepts that I am what I am. And her acceptance allows me to be who I am...and happy. I have a brother who doesn't accept it or like it at all and I don't give a damn. I don't particularly care for the woman he married either because she's nothing but a user. But I don't throw it in his face because he knows I will. Both of us just accept the fact that we don't accept certain things in the other ones life. So be it. That doesn't mean we hate each other. Life is too short to worry about it and neither one of us are going to change anything so what's the point? Fact is, if my brother even TRIED to understand it, he would realize it has nothing to do with him.

A day must soon come when you and Mom need to talk. As I said, my hunch is that you will be pleasantly surprised. If I am wrong, you will have the truth out anyway and won't have to hide anymore. As some others mentioned, if you don't have her unconditional love, it's not much of a family. I have faith that your Mom will not feel that way. She may not be accepting of the lifestyle but she will always love you, no matter what.
 
All I can say is if you are worried about your extended family harming you, move to another state away from their reach.

Some may view this as running away from the problem, but if they are capable of harming you then moving away from them is the only answer.
 
Ankh said:
From everything I've read in this thread, I think that you and your siblings may be underestimating your mother. I think she might be thougher than you guys think.

What really worries me is your extended family. A lot of the responses are of the sort "if they don't accept you, fuck them" and the like, which is all fine and true, except within your own particular culture and situation. There is real danger that some of your extended relatives could physically harm you to cleanse the "family name". I really worry they could try to pull an honour killing on you because of their religion.

Yes, you are in the US, and not in an Islamic country, but, they do honour killings even in western countries. I really don't think any of us can really undestand the context you are coming from, so I hope you can find a way to be able to live your life in safety. How? only you and your family can decide that.
Click to expand...

I agree. Considering everything, it's a very tricky situation and it's gotta be dealt with a lot of thinking and caution.
 
Giovanni said:
All I can say is if you are worried about your extended family harming you, move to another state away from their reach.

Some may view this as running away from the problem, but if they are capable of harming you then moving away from them is the only answer.
Click to expand...

Yes, that seems, to me, the most effective immediate solution...going as far away as one can.


Piggy, I know I'm new around here 'n everything but it really pains me that you have to go through this and if you need to talk or whatever, I'm here to support you. (*8*)


Btw, have tried talking to your mother about this? Like REALLY opening your heart to her, telling her about how this whole situation is making you feel? You could go talk to her with your siblings, they can help you and give you support when you talk to her.
 
It's called "plausible deniability," Piggy. As Lex pointed out, if you find someone you care about enough that you would want to share him with your immediate family, then you introduce him as your friend and you invite him around. Your brothers and sisters will know. Your mom might even know, but she doesn't necessarily have to "know." You're looking at this as an either/or situation, but it doesn't have to be.

What is it you want out of this? Do you want to canoodle with your boyfriend on your parent's couch at Christmas time? Do you want your mom to join PFLAG and wear "my son's gay" t-shirts? Or do you just want to be able to live your life and be happy, with your immediate family supporting you, even if they don't have all the details of what they're supporting?

I'm not saying you have to hide who you are, but aren't there ways to live as you are without shouting it? You're barely in the acceptance of yourself stage--why not protect that a little longer? You don't have to sacrifice your happiness, but in order to be happy with both yourself and with them, you might have to sacrifice your current ideas of what it means to be "out." Can you be happy with a whisper, or does it have to be a shout?

If you never brought it up with your mother, but just went about living your life, would she eventually ask? Would she inquire as to who your gentleman friend is? And if she did, could not the answer be, "Mom, I love you, and I know you love me. With that said, I would never want you to have to answer any hard questions that might jeopardize your relationship with your family back in your homeland. And the best way not to have to answer any hard questions some day is to not ask those questions now." Would she be okay with that?

You didn't get to choose being gay, Piggy, but you do get to choose how you live it, and how you share it with those who matter to you. One man's way of being "out" isn't necessarily the same for anyone else. Choose to do what works for you within your circumstances, and then just try to be happy with that choice.

And if you can't, you can always choose another way some other day.
 
First of all, you have to happy with yourself.

Second of all, living your life for your family by compromising your own happiness is not living life at all.

Third of all, you shouldn't be held accountable for your family's happiness either. That is a bunch of BS.
 
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