Am I the only one with such bad self-esteem?

[FootBoy]

I think this is the relevant subforum to post it on. (most of it being why I am so reluctant to be in a relationship/ come out), feel free to move it!

Hey everyone. I have had a shockingly bad self-esteem for a long time. I have always been 'fat', but I lost 20 kilos when i was 15, put that plus more on over the years cos of being lazy and most of my hobbies involved being inside, and the stress of my finals saw me at my peak. I was pretty big.

I have lost another 20kgs now and know I am gonna stay this way. It has been a more or less overhaul of my lifestyle. I have a lot more confidence than I HAD, but I still feel like my self-esteem is flat out crap.

First of all, I contribute most of it to my man boobs. Most of my weight is stored in my torso. I feel like that 20kg I have lost has gone from everywhere but my torso. I was going through before photos when I was big. I can see a huge difference in my leg size and face shape, and a slight difference in my torso and arms. This kinda made me feel like shit. 20kgs down and I feel like I look like I have lost 5.

I think I have gynecomastia (the man boobs you wont lose no matter how thin you get). I am not thin now, but it feels like I have the boobs of a woman, and love handles. I am always conscious of them and always wear jackets and stuff to cover it up. I also have huge areolas (the part around the nipples). I am not sure if that will go when I lose more weight but that is just such a confidence killer. To the point I dont want to take my top off. Even my closest friends havent seen me shirtless.

Just when you though it wasnt bad enough, I get to suffer from acne on my back. No matter what I do it refuses to go away. It isnt that bad, but it is certainly scarred up and sure as hell unappealing.

Lately I have been becoming alot more confident in my sexuality, and am really wanting that feeling of having someone to love and spend time with, but on the flip side I feel like even if the situation arose, I would sabotage myself due to my horrible self-esteem. I do not want to 'come out' until I actually have someone I am going out with, so that pretty much leads to me being deeply closeted for a while to come.

I probably will result to surgery on my man boobs (after I get thin and theyre still there.. preparing for the inevitable), and then the only thing someone will have to be grossed out by is the acne scars on my back.

Well.. there you have it.
All that results in my shit self-esteem. Even reading through this, I think it is pretty bad how I talk about myself but this just guts me. Does anyone else have problems like this? How did you overcome your self-esteem problems. How did they hold you back and how were you able to live your life after overcoming them. Thanks, and sorry if I just look like an idiot venting on a forum.


Typing this out, I realise that the way I will overcome this is to get chest surgery and keep up my healthy lifestyle.

 

[jaysizzles]

Way to go on losing the weight! That is a lot of weight, and a major accomplishment just within itself, and you should be quite proud of yourself. I'm curious how you did it. Was it just through diet, or was it with an exercise regime too?

I'm not going to try and dissuade you from pursuing the surgery as I know from a few friends that have undergone similar surgeries that they had no other option to eliminate the excess skin and those fat areas that exercise would not target. One friend had a tummy tuck and looked good afterwards, aside from the scar at her pantie line, but she didn't change her lifestyle and put weight back on. Another friend had gastric bypass and needed to have the excess skin removed after he lost over 100 lbs. He joined a gym and for awhile had a personal trainer. If you do not currently belong to a gym or have a workout regime, I'd consider pursuing that either prior to or in conjunction with doctor advice. Some of the target areas may be able to be resolved naturally...idk.

It is important to have an exercise regime for life anyway...consider combination of aerobic and weight training. Exercise is just an overall good way to boost your mood...which I'd think would also help with self esteem issues too, along with the changes to your exterior. Self esteem is an internal issue, and changes to the exterior do not always fix the internal issues tho, so keep that in mind as you go through the process.

 

[FootBoy]

Thanks for the response. I lost this weight the only way possible to healthily do it. A change of lifestyle. Excercise everyday, eat very healthy, cut out all alcohol.

I have two months off before university starts so I guess I can see where I am at the end of that.

I do feel good compared to before, but all I want is to be able to correct my posture and stand like a man with my flat chest out yknow.

I think i could overcome the internal damage when I get there though.

 

[thefishinthesea23]

We (humans) always find something to have bad self-esteem over it seems. I overcame my weight problem only to feel bad about stretch marks later. When I overcame that, I notice my hairline is starting to recede. Now I have bad self-esteem over that lol.

So yeah everyone has it. Even that 11/10 perfect guy in the beach with perfect hair, smile and abs. The difference is how you deal with it. If you overcame your weight problem, you can overcome the posture problem and whatever your next obsession is .

 

[silentalk]

The best thing I can say about the way you feel about your body is: read as much material as you can, and go see a specialist. You might need to do some strength training to build up muscle. And like Jay said, you already did an awesome job losing all that fat. You can do more now and start gaining muscle.

As for your self-esteem, you need to have two things, which you probably do already, you just need to be aware of them and focus on them: 1-Intimate Relationships 2- Competence. By intimate relationships I don't mean sexual nor romantic. I mean really, really good, close relationships with someone who'd have your back. Friends, family members, lovers... it doesn't matter. What matters is to feel that you belong somewhere with someone. Someone you can share secrets with. Someone who won't judge you or ridicule you.

By competence I mean that you need to be good at something and realize that you're good at it. No one is bad at everything and good at nothing. Every human being is good at something; go find out what you're really good at and do it. That will become your strength. If you already know what that is, then focus on it and on all positive things surrounding you instead of focusing on the negatives.

In addition to positive thinking, having close supporters and focusing on your strengths, being kind and honest with others, and gentle with yourself all contribute towards having an excellent self-esteem. Add to that list: Developing a strong moral base.

Someone once said: Sow a though, and you reap an act. Sow an act, and you reap a habit. Sow a habit, and you reap a character. Sow a character, and you reap a destiny.

Good luck. We're all here anytime you need us

 

[Seasoned]

Congrats on your accomplishments and progress! Getting into therapy and seeing at least two medical specialists would be the next steps I'd take.

Good luck and please keep reporting your progress.

 

[FootBoy]

The best thing I can say about the way you feel about your body is: read as much material as you can, and go see a specialist. You might need to do some strength training to build up muscle. And like Jay said, you already did an awesome job losing all that fat. You can do more now and start gaining muscle.

As for your self-esteem, you need to have two things, which you probably do already, you just need to be aware of them and focus on them: 1-Intimate Relationships 2- Competence. By intimate relationships I don't mean sexual nor romantic. I mean really, really good, close relationships with someone who'd have your back. Friends, family members, lovers... it doesn't matter. What matters is to feel that you belong somewhere with someone. Someone you can share secrets with. Someone who won't judge you or ridicule you.

By competence I mean that you need to be good at something and realize that you're good at it. No one is bad at everything and good at nothing. Every human being is good at something; go find out what you're really good at and do it. That will become your strength. If you already know what that is, then focus on it and on all positive things surrounding you instead of focusing on the negatives.

In addition to positive thinking, having close supporters and focusing on your strengths, being kind and honest with others, and gentle with yourself all contribute towards having an excellent self-esteem. Add to that list: Developing a strong moral base.

Someone once said: Sow a though, and you reap an act. Sow an act, and you reap a habit. Sow a habit, and you reap a character. Sow a character, and you reap a destiny.

Good luck. We're all here anytime you need us

Wow. That advice was just spectacular. Thanks.
That is something I have struggled with. I am yet to find something I am proud to be good at. I do not have that one friend that it is like "Tell all" too and I think I try and avoid it. But with saying that, I am very social and sometimes feel lonely not having that kind of friend. I believe I dont let a relationship get that far and kind of keep them at the level before "tell all".

I do not believe I have to see a therapist or a fitness expert because I believe I am pretty knowledgeable on losing weight. I always do weights and cardio, so I have put on quite a bit of muscle which I can definitely feel under that layer of fat. I honestly feel like these manboobs are pretty much the sole reason I am so self conscious.

Also I feel like I am always so wary and alert to doing something or saying something too revealing. How can I put this.. one of my friends is really free spirited and always jumps on me or says really open things like "it hurt when I took a piss today". Just something like that (I know stupid and random), I feel like it would take so much courage to say coming from me, and I just think I am so closed off to saying things like that

I also fear I am a really bland person. I am very humorous and love to make people laugh, that I would go to extreme lengths to make them laugh, but I feel when someone gets to know me, thats pretty much all I am. I make new friends real easy and have that loveable aspect of me, like, people I met just once, especially guys, (im closeted stil) will run up to me and give me a big hug. I guess I can focus on that as my positive.


Sorry for my yammering on. I think typing what I am feeling out is helping me understand exactly what I want and discovering the roots of my problem. So for all you innocent bystanders who havent told me to shutup, thanks!!

 

[FootBoy]

Before:



After:

 

[FootBoy]

Oh man, I cant edit my post after 10 minutes? I accidently put two of the same image. This was the other before photo:


I was comparing these pictures and I guess I was being a bit over dramatic, I actually can see the results on my torso, obviously not as much as I'd like. I guess I should shuffle back into weight loss mode, then I can get a little closer to my goal of having self-esteem
Not sure If I am allowed to post pictures, but I feel it is relevant to the topic

 

[Seasoned]

That's what I'd do. Get to my goal weight and reevaluate my attitude towards my body. So far you've done really well.

Don't be too quick to rule out a mental health therapist if you continue to struggle with self esteem issues.

Wishing you the best.

 

[silentalk]

Wow. That advice was just spectacular. Thanks.
That is something I have struggled with. I am yet to find something I am proud to be good at. I do not have that one friend that it is like "Tell all" too and I think I try and avoid it. But with saying that, I am very social and sometimes feel lonely not having that kind of friend. I believe I dont let a relationship get that far and kind of keep them at the level before "tell all".

I do not believe I have to see a therapist or a fitness expert because I believe I am pretty knowledgeable on losing weight. I always do weights and cardio, so I have put on quite a bit of muscle which I can definitely feel under that layer of fat. I honestly feel like these manboobs are pretty much the sole reason I am so self conscious.

Also I feel like I am always so wary and alert to doing something or saying something too revealing. How can I put this.. one of my friends is really free spirited and always jumps on me or says really open things like "it hurt when I took a piss today". Just something like that (I know stupid and random), I feel like it would take so much courage to say coming from me, and I just think I am so closed off to saying things like that

I also fear I am a really bland person. I am very humorous and love to make people laugh, that I would go to extreme lengths to make them laugh, but I feel when someone gets to know me, thats pretty much all I am. I make new friends real easy and have that loveable aspect of me, like, people I met just once, especially guys, (im closeted stil) will run up to me and give me a big hug. I guess I can focus on that as my positive.


Sorry for my yammering on. I think typing what I am feeling out is helping me understand exactly what I want and discovering the roots of my problem. So for all you innocent bystanders who havent told me to shutup, thanks!!

You're welcome and there's no need to apologize for "yammering"! We're here to help.

I can see quite a bit of difference in the shape of your body. Nice work! The reason I told you to go see a specialist was because, in some cases, losing a massive amount of fat will result in lots and lots of excess skin that needs to be removed surgically. When you said you had "man boobs", I thought you had the same thing. But looking at the photos I don't think you need any kind of surgery. With more time and muscle your body will look great.

And you sound like a nice person. What do you think is the reason you won't let people in? Don't let everyone in. That way you'll get hurt. But a few very close relationships can be a massive change in your life. Delve deep inside you and try to find out the reason you keep people at a distance. Is it fear? Is it the past? Is it just that you don't know how to do it? It'll take courage to open up. At first, you need to be conscious about it and force yourself to let someone in. Don't be hasty. Choose this person very carefully.

 

[slowshow]

I perosnally think you've made amazing progress with your body! I guess you don't see it because you see yourself every day, so any change is minimal.

Just remember that 90% of weight loss or bulking up is determined by your diet, so definitely keep a watch with that. If you're looking to lose weight, I really recommend to not eat things that are heavy in carbohydrates after say 1-2pm for a while and you'll see your weight fall off really fast! Excercise is important too obviously but diet is even moreso.

I don't really have any advice for you when it comes to self esteem, but if you don't have any confidence the key is really to PRETEND like you have it. Personally, people come up to me and tell me I seem very approachable and confident all the time but that's all a facade. When I asked a few of my close friends about it, they say it's the way I strut and talk, and having very good back posture when standing/walking helps as well.

Also, along with the confidence thing, you can't really improve your confidence until you learn to love yourself. And it's clear that for you to love yourself, you want to be slimmer and that's something you can work towards! Don't give youself such monstrous tasks though. I feel like you're focusing too much on everything at once, and that might make it easy to get demotivated and down on yourself. So forget about the confidence thing for now, and just work on your body I think. From what I can see, I feel like you will gain confidence from losing weight

just remember again: your daily diet is everything!

ps perhaps look into a personal trainer? They'll help you out in the gym without judging you, and they'll most definitey help you out with a daily meal plan as well!