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am i too bad?

kurtwild said:
i know i have to do something else! but what?
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First of all, consider the reasons he isn't looking. Sometimes people out of work get into a paralysing rut, sort of like a depression. If you want to help him, start participating in his job search instead of just nagging him.

  • Help him get his CV in order.
  • Take him to register at the Arbeitsamt. Do they offer advice? Programs to get additional training?
  • Discuss the kind of jobs he should be looking for, his qualifications, etc.
  • Look over job ads with him and help him with his application.

On the other hand, don't make it too easy for him. I wouldn't move in with him or support him financially.
 
YOu have a chance of um... 5% to change him so you might want to give some more time until you move on if he doesn't change himself.
 
3nipples said:
First of all, consider the reasons he isn't looking. Sometimes people out of work get into a paralysing rut, sort of like a depression. If you want to help him, start participating in his job search instead of just nagging him.

  • Help him get his CV in order.
  • Take him to register at the Arbeitsamt. Do they offer advice? Programs to get additional training?
  • Discuss the kind of jobs he should be looking for, his qualifications, etc.
  • Look over job ads with him and help him with his application.

On the other hand, don't make it too easy for him. I wouldn't move in with him or support him financially.
Click to expand...



ιm doing all that,you know im searching with him for a job ,but when i send him off to go to the place and ask or to call he says later and when i tell him he will forget he gets angry.i think its his parents fault!!!
so i think i will not push him to get a job,and if he doesnt wanna work i will just accept it.
i dont see another way.
and i think all you guys are right that he wont change.
im just making my nerves crapp.
 
kurtwild said:
we have been for 2 years together,and i like him,and if i can support him when i have a job,i will.
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Kurtwild,

This sentence you wrote concerned me most ... you REALLY REALLY do NOT want to do this! If you do, you're in it for good and ya gotta ask yourself if you want that! He sounds like the type that loves to be enabled by his parents with no real motivation to get off his ass to find a job -- he's making excuses for not ramping up his search efforts. And if you end up making this sacrifice believe me he will leech on to you and never let go. Don't do it. And you're 19 and he is almost 21?? Time for him to grow up.

... and yes, if this continues to frustrate you and you do not see and end to it, decide whether you want to continue living the misery or leave it behind and find someone else who will complement you and your ideals better. I believe you have done all you can to help him - it's up to him to change.
 
kurtwild said:
ιm doing all that,you know im searching with him for a job ,but when i send him off to go to the place and ask or to call he says later and when i tell him he will forget he gets angry.i think its his parents fault!!!
so i think i will not push him to get a job,and if he doesnt wanna work i will just accept it.
i dont see another way.
and i think all you guys are right that he wont change.
im just making my nerves crapp.
Click to expand...
There is only so much you can do to help someone. It sounds like he doesn't really want to succeed. Think hard before you decide to move in with him. It takes more than love to make a relationship work and it doesn't sound like he's ready, at least at this stage of his life.
 
How about talking to his parents?

Tell them that the reason he's just sitting there is that they're enabling him to do it... they should slowly pull back the money they give him and make him work.

They dont' want to be supporting him for the rest of their lives.
 
Don't take this the wrong way Kurt, but if it is all as you say, I think you are a huge part of your bf's problem.

Just reading your responses makes me sure that you may be somewhat immature to be able to really help this guy. I'm beginning to think you like to feel helpless because it is an easy way out. You can be frustrated and pissed off with him etc, etc, but in the end you will passively accept whatever he decides. This guy must be unbelievable in bed!!! I almost feel that we are all part of someone's psych 101 course research to see what kinds of responses you can elicit by appearing completely unable to figure out a solution.

In the end, your acceptance of his failure and blaming it on his parents tells me just about everything I'd need to know about both of you.

I hope you get yourself figured out first and then maybe you can help him.
 
As some of the others have suggested - you need to project into the future. You having graduated from University and are working in a well-paid job and no doubt living in an a aprtment of your own. Him still bumming off you. Check out the legal situation in your country - I daresay that after 2 years of living together he will be entitled to 50% of everything you own when you split, as inevitably you will.
 
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