Am I too picky?

[Caeth]

Hey guys, so I've been out for almost 3 years now and I've never been in a relationship. The closest I got to one was a light romantic relationship with a guy who lives far away (he was in town interning for a couple weeks one summer). I get hit on a fair amount and I never have trouble finding someone to go home with.

Don't want to bitch too much...so let's be concise and say I REALLY want one. I want to know what it's like to have and hold someone, to feel excited about someone, etc. etc.

I've talked about my desire for a relationship with a friend. He says I'm a bit picky and I should give guys more of a chance. He says I'm extremely goal-driven and that gets in the way. I agree with him that I'm picky and goal-driven...but the other side of the coin, settling for someone I don't really like, doesn't appeal. I guess I could try to find out more about a person before writing them off as relationship potential...but I feel that's just a waste of time sometimes.

I feel that, while I'm picky, every once in a bit I DO find a guy who really intrigues me. I ask him out. Every time I get rejected. I don't know why everyone I like doesn't like me...and everyone who likes me, I don't like. It seems like a vicious circle in which everyone is unhappy.

Issues that get in the way of relationship:
-I'm slightly conservative. Most gay men are liberal...or at least Democrat-only. I consider myself an independent...but I'm conservative on the war, the economy, and some other issues.
-I'm atheist. Very much so. I could never date someone religious. "spiritual" can be ok.
-I'm nerdy. I like science. I'm getting a master's in chem and hopefully going to med school. I like to talk about physics sometimes. I like computer games. At the same time I love going out, drinking, and dancing. I want someone I can discuss "science" with.
-I'm really ambitious...it would be hard to be with a guy who's not similarly ambitious.
-I have a BIG thing for blue eyes and preppy blonde boys.

And that's not covering the usual personality quirks, history, etc. lol.

It just feels a bit lonely...that there's never going to be anyone that I'm compatible with...not even considering "there's someone meant for me" anymore.

 

[Orlandude]

Compatability is not necessarily about someone having to live up to ALL of our respective "requirements". That may well be what is turning off some prospects. Nobody is perfect and there is no such thing as "Mr. Right"..only Mr. Right Now. (a trick) When I reflect on my own relationships. most of them were with someone who I was never initially interested in, on the surface, or thought had no interest in me. There is nothing wrong with being "picky" as long as it doesn't cross the VERY fine line between picky and snobby. You cannot expect everyone to have the same, identical attitudes, views, philosophies and interests that you do. To me, that would make for a very boring, short-lived relationship. Sounds too much like "It's all about ME". People are turned off by that. I'm not saying that you are like that, only to avoid being like that. Having things in common is one thing. Having everything in common is another. It rarely happens.

The things that make a GOOD relationship (and even friendship) are often the DIFFERENCES. While someone may not share your political or spiritual views doesn't make them "incompatible". They may bring 100 other fabulous things to a relationship, even things you may not have ever thought about that may make you a better person for having known them. So those few things you may not agree on become trivial. I tend to look at the "whole package" and try not to judge people simply because they don't agree with my politics or religion or those types of surface issues. As for ambition, everyone is different and are driven by so many different things. Nobody is the same. It may also be that you are being "picky" about the wrong things. Knowing someone "inside", and eventually falling in love with them, goes way beyond many of the things you listed. Perhaps you are simply trying too hard, which is often the case. Unless you are looking for a "clone" of yourself, life and the people you meet in it, are not going to gravitate towards you, except for physical reasons, and those are only a very small part of what makes a good relationship. I see so many failed and miserable relationships because the whole relationship was based on how "cute" one was or some other superficial reason. Once the "cuteness" wears off (and it will!) there has to be something more there.

Just my thoughts. Hope it helps.

 

[lovrboy24]

I think everyone has expectations but in reality, you will know when you find the right person. I find that a lot of individuals i have fallen for didn't look appealing until i finally got to know them. Love isn't just a split second revelation, it takes time. Don't lower your expectations because you can't find someone right now. It will come eventually. if you want a mister right now, then yea you will have to fall off your high horse, but never settle. love takes time.

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

What's wrong with picky?

 

[rareboy]

Issues that get in the way of relationship:
-I'm slightly conservative. Most gay men are liberal...or at least Democrat-only. I consider myself an independent...but I'm conservative on the war, the economy, and some other issues.
-I'm atheist. Very much so. I could never date someone religious. "spiritual" can be ok.
-I'm nerdy. I like science. I'm getting a master's in chem and hopefully going to med school. I like to talk about physics sometimes. I like computer games. At the same time I love going out, drinking, and dancing. I want someone I can discuss "science" with.
-I'm really ambitious...it would be hard to be with a guy who's not similarly ambitious.
-I have a BIG thing for blue eyes and preppy blonde boys.

These are all your issues to sort through.

Sometimes love and affection just aren't going to follow the rules.

I'd suggest one of those dating/sorting services where they can find you a guy to meet your specs.

 

[EvilForce]

What's wrong with picky?

For the vast majority of boys who I hear utter the words, "well I'm just picky", usually means they have no idea what they really want. Oh, the have a list of "must haves" for sure, but even when they get someone that meets the requirements, new rules get added, or changed.

Men under 25 are virtually undatable for long term relationships. Some take until 30 to get to a stable level. I was a mess in my early 20's too w/ regards to relationships.

 

[CSI_3Stokes]

I ain't no picky. I just want a boyf.

 

[LotusOnBuddha]

Speaking from personal experience, I have rarely ended up with guys that are my physical ideal. I tend to like dark featured guys, hunky italians. However, I've never been in a long term relationship with one, because once i got to know them they just didnt do it for me. My boyfriend is bi-racial and blue eyed, but i wouldn't change anything about him. I love everything about him. Because he intrigued me, we went out on a few simple dates and piqued my interest, I wanted to know more about him.

My advice is to ignore what you're cock is telling you, and go with your heart and brain. If a guy is interesting and relatively cute, ask him for his number and go on a date. What do you have to lose? You never know what you'll find once you dig into a guy. After you have a date where you can get to know each other, you'll have a better idea of what he is about, and you can choose to keep going or not. But it sounds like you write guys off before you even scratch the surface. While i do think physical attraction is important, if you want a long term relationship, you need to base it on more than good looks and hot sex, because when you're 50, neither of you are going to look like you do now.

Be the change you want to see in the world. Are you currently a guy that you would date? I often find that a big problem that a lot of guy have is that, they themselves are either a mess or have some issue going on that they need to sort out before they start dating. My suggestion is to make sure you are the type of person YOU would want to date. Its kind of like the golden rule but with a twist.

Knowing you're self and being open minded is not a bad thing, however just generically being picky is not. Remember you're dealing with human beings not a mail order company. You should focus on a guy that makes you happy, not a guy what meets XYZ criteria.

 

[TX-Beau]

For the vast majority of boys who I hear utter the words, "well I'm just picky", usually means they have no idea what they really want. Oh, the have a list of "must haves" for sure, but even when they get someone that meets the requirements, new rules get added, or changed.

That or they're picky so they don't have to put themselves out there. If that's going on, no guy will ever meet the standard.

 

[Caeth]

There have been some good points =).

I agree with you Orlandude- I'm not looking for someone who's exactly like me...god that would be boring. There are certain "deal-breakers" though...issues that are close to the core of who I am. The religion issue is a perfect example. You can understand that someone extremely religious would want to be with someone who shares that value...I'm the same way but opposite. Not every issue is that black and white...some issues are more pliable than others.

It makes me sad that men under 25 are "virtually non-datable" =(. Hope that isn't really true.

LotusOnBuddha- I tend to write off guys based off of either looks or something else. Sometimes it is looks...I'd like to be attracted to my boyfriend! If it's not looks, then I usually sleep with the person and never call them. In that case I guess it's a "shallow" personality reason. Like they were an art history major. Or sometimes it's just because I don't "feel" it; I'm not excited about that person.

You are right about one thing though...I *was* a mess. That's probably why I didn't/couldn't date earlier. My life is MUCH more together now and I think I qualify at least as "decent" date-ability now.

And on a final note, I do and have asked guys out on a date. I can be pretty aggressive when I like someone...I tend to go for it...though I also tend to turn in to a bumbling idiot . I guess the guys who intrigue me are out of my league? I don't know.

It's just difficult waiting...it gets lonely. Especially at this point in my life...I'm studying almost non-stop for a tough exam. There's a lot of pressure and little socialization. It just amplifies my desire to cuddle with someone trustworthy and comfortable.

 

[EvilForce]

That or they're picky so they don't have to put themselves out there. If that's going on, no guy will ever meet the standard.

Very true. I've seen that trait a number of times in some guys. Sad really.

 

[Caeth]

volcom...I'd at least sleep with you *grins*.

And on that note...I'm going to try my best to be less shallow and give people I don't find "I want to bang you now" a chance.

 

[rareboy]

If it's not looks, then I usually sleep with the person and never call them. In that case I guess it's a "shallow" personality reason. Like they were an art history major.

There will be so many who think you deserve to be alone.

I assume you are talking about your shallow personality?

One thing you might walk away with. A really, truly intelligent person can make conversation and enjoy their time with anybody, despite the differences in intellect, interests and experiences. They know that they can learn some of the most important things from the most unexpected sources.

Only those with a superiority (inferiority?) complex seem to feel that they must be attached to those that exist to complement their own beliefs and narrow field of endeavour and interests.

 

[mabby7]

I guess you can be picky ... but I think you're doing the right thing by trying things out with other guys even if they don't really sweep you off your feet. I guess falling in love can take time? ...

BTW ... who cares about the rejections ... just move on ...

^^^ sorry bad joke ... lol ... but sometimes I do feel that way ... hehe

 

[EvilForce]

volcom...I'd at least sleep with you *grins*.

And on that note...I'm going to try my best to be less shallow and give people I don't find "I want to bang you now" a chance.

Shallowness comes from being too self involved. Instead of seeking to always minimize or dismiss people instead try finding something you find attractive about them. Or if you find out someone's an art history major, go out on a date with them. Find out why such a topic excites them. I've always been attracted to passionate people. They have always had a passion for something. I find that attractive. They follow their dreams and their hearts not just the cold, hard cash. So instead of focusing every moment on what you want, what you expect, what you need, spend more time focusing on what they might need and / or want. You'd be surprised how wide your world can become.