an ethics question, opinions sought

[Un_Golfo]

Just #15 and #16 re right for me... Tell him you are going to read them, and discuss about it later. If it was just one message, it could be a mistake. If there are several, it's important. You should know. But if you open and read them, tell him.

 

[spreadeagle]

The appropriate thing to do is to delete the emails unread.

Your first paragraph suggests that you place some value on the exisiting relationship and the possibility that it might continue. He has done or said something that he soon afterwards regretted and has had the guts to be upfront in an effort to prevent you being hurt and himself embarrrassed. This suggests that he too places a value on the possibility of the relationship continuing.

What he actually said is less important as an indicator of his character than the fact that he has realised his faux pas and tried to put things right. At its most basic this is an issue of trust - he is asking you to trust him - and the future of your relationship may rest on how you respond to his request. If you trust him and delete the emails then further information on what he said, or the issues that led to his ill-advised communications, will surface in due course.

It's unfortunate that you've not only sought advice in a public forum but that you've let him know that you've done so. Now you're in precisely the same position he was in: should you leave a message for him asking him not to log in to JUB to view your indiscretion!

 

[mike_n_herrin]

ultimately this depends on how you value the guy. do you value him enough to respect his desire that you not read them? you have every right to read them. i'm a terribly curious person when it comes to this sort of thing so i would want to read them really badly.

i think moving them to another folder and not opening them for now is a good solution for the moment.

if i were you and valued the guy's friendship then no i wouldn't read them, but my god it might kill me.

I would take 14 year old girl to mean not that he was being catty but rather that he was being sappy and missing you and crushing on you...and then felt guilty about his affection because of his partner. I think i would read them...

i am inclined to believe the same thing.

 

[ixthrock]

It's unfortunate that you've not only sought advice in a public forum but that you've let him know that you've done so. Now you're in precisely the same position he was in: should you leave a message for him asking him not to log in to JUB to view your indiscretion!

wow, this really blew me away; i come in to check this thread, get to this post, begin reading through it, nodding, thinking, "unh-hunh, right on, that's how i feel," then...whammy. insight. aha.

I think i put myself in the same predicament he was in intentionally.

I wouldn't ask him not to log on to JUB, however - and a couple of the reasons why are easy.
1) JUB is a great place to get to know more about who I am.
2)JUB is a great place to have thought-provoking conversation with dozens of other fascinating men. I can't imagine denying you (collectively) OR him the benefit of each other's scintillating wit and erudition.

(okay, JUB is also a great place to numb your brain with the empty chatter of a gazillion twits, but eventually they will all put me on "ignore" and implode from "ignore"-ance, so we needn't draw attention there)

Even more difficult to acknowledge is reason 3), because it's a controlling behaviour - 3) I'm trying to model behaviour for him.

I still haven't checked my e-mail; I feel I should log on and delete those messages, but I'm having a hard time letting go.

As well, I had pretty much answered the ethical question for myself (though, of course, not for anyone else ) before posting the thread; this was as much sounding the ethics of my fellow JUBbers (and therefore getting to know you all better) as it was "asking for advice."

 

[NineOfClubs]

I must say I'm surprised at the number here who say you should read the emails.

It seems the only ethical thing to do is to honor your friend's request and delete them.

 

[JackFTwist]

He has a partner who is very much older and in a debilitated condition. My friend has given me to understand that he does not expect his partner to live another year, and would enjoy it if I "hit on" him ("him" being my friend, not the partner).

that deeply bothers me

 

[ixthrock]

that deeply bothers me

pffffft. okay.

this was a question regarding ethics.

as you are none of the people involved, we have only our own morals to contend with. That's plenty enough for me. For everything else, I have shower gel.

 

[ixthrock]

i have deleted the e-mails unread

 

[Riverrick]

i have deleted the e-mails unread

That was what I was going to suggest you do. We all make mistakes so why not help him out by deleting them?

I'm really impressed that you did just that. REALLY impressed!

 

[Croynan]

i have deleted the e-mails unread

I think you have truly done the right thing and given the individual the respect and consideration he is entitled to. I think that if the situation had been the reversed, you would have wanted the same done for you - i. e. your feelings on the matter carried out.

There have been occasions where i have sent out a pm, and either due to my mood at the time or due to the content of the pm, i have often wanted the other person not to read what i have sent. If i make the request, i do not inquire what they have done. But the one thing i do do is immediately send and apology with an explanation as to why i am requesting they not read what i have sent.

What is of concern to me though is this idea of you "hitting on him," even though he seems to be hinting of this. I would think that given the situation with his partner and given the relationship with you as you know the person to be, that this could end of damaging a fine relationship that the two of you have developed.

And i think the response as to why you will not do so is that you have respect for both him and his ill partner and most important of all yourself. I would think it might be rather difficult to deal with this psychologically if you decided to act out on his hint of you "hitting on him." There are all sorts of emotions floating around in this situation now - especially as you may have apparently met or almost have had contact with the ill partner. I would think any sort of interaction of this nature between the two of you would and or could have serious "telling" side effects on him and possibly yourself.

If the matter comes up again, i feel it would be to your advantage to tell him how you feel about the matter and that you feel you are doing what is right for both of you and including his partner. I think your relationship with him will be on much more solid ground if you do so.

What happens later on is a different story as the two of you get to know each other better But i would still stay away from any "hint of hitting on him," as i just feel l this could have potential serious negative effects in your relationship should it continue to develop.

I think as much as this may be a be a question of ethics it may also me a question of morality. And finally, i think i would be most careful about how far you go in disussing the matter further in an open forum. A certain degree of privacy i think is due both of you.

some random thoughts by the local village idiot who is without wisdom and knowledge in dealing with such critical issues and important feelings.

eM.

 

[ixthrock]

i think i would be most careful about how far you go in disussing the matter further in an open forum. A certain degree of privacy i think is due both of you.

you're absolutely right; I've been horribly indiscreet as it is.
being "open and honest" here about myself is one thing;
being "open and honest" about another JUBber or potential JUBber is a usurpation of prerogative, and not what i consider ethical at all, in the end.
I should be fricasseed.

 

[HighParkLover]

You could move them to another folder. Once you get to know the guy a little better you can then decide if you want to read them or delete them.

This would be a good thing to do.... probably something I would do.

 

[dr_beat]

I'd read them because you don't know this guy very well (I think) so therefore you don't owe him special treatment. If he was a close friend or relative then no.

Hopefully a close friend or relative would never put me in such a position.

 

[VICTORIADON]

Hmmm, I like this question.

All my e-mail that I send from my "personal" e-mail are set so I get a message back saying that the person has read the e-mail, and if the person doesn't click the "yes" function for confirmation, it sends me the refusal, so I KNOW when the e-mail has been opened.

hmmm, you have me stumped on this one. I have to think.

I wish I was at my home computer, I would send myself an e-mail, forward it un-opened to one of my other accounts, open it and see if I got a confirmation back when I opened it after blindly forwarding it.

I think you are on a spider-web! If you open it and he is testing your trustworthyness, CAUGHT, at the same time, you want to know what that e-mail is about or it will eat you up, CAUGHT.

Call him and deal with it over the phone, tell him you haven't opened the e-mail but it is driving you crazy and have him tell you what is in it or give you permission to open it!


LET US KNOW WHAT IT SAYS!