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An extremely complicated situation...please help

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belgarion63

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So, I know that i've posted this on here before, but it has gotten to the point where i need some serious advice...First off, I'm not gay. Apart from this one guy I am completely straight...I know that that is hard to believe, but i finally figured that much out about myself. Second, I broke a rule...I fell in love with a straight boy. I know that there are hundreds of threads on here dealing with the same issue, but mine is seriously complicated. My feelings for my friend did not surface until we were on a trip together and we had to share a bed. I was having major back issues, so I would wake up at random times during the night in pain. Well, sometime in the wee hours of the morning I woke up to find him with his arm over my torso and his hand on the waist band of my shorts. His legs were all intertwined with mine, and he was very "happy" to put it lightly. Now, i woke up and thought "what the hell is going on" and got even more freaked out when he whispered my name and then kissed my neck. I got up out of bed to walk around a bit to help my back and started thinking about it, and that is when i started to feel like maybe i could be in a relationship with him. Fast foward to around six months ago...evidently he found out how i felt about him, and has been completely distant since. I haven't had the chance to tell him exactly why i feel the way that i feel, because he seems to be refusing to have contact with me. I get the feeling that he thinks if he spends any alone time with me that i will do something wildly inappropriate. More than anything, i want to explain to him that i would never do anything i know he didn't want me to do and that all i want to be is friends. Unfortunately i am never given this opportunity which is why i am posting this. I know that a part of him feels the way i do even though he says he is straight, but the rest of him is actively refusing to have anything to do with me. What should i do?:confused:
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

wow this is confusing ...

it could be that ...
he was playing around or testing the grounds with no intention of moving on,
and when he learned of your feelings, it got very serious for him.

Maybe he realized he wasn't ready for this, and backed off. He may also be backing off in fear of hearing just how seriously deep he got in with you.

If this is the case, which is only one of possible explanations of his behavior, you can wait around a bit for him to figure things out, while dealing with his antics in the process, and decide later, when you have more information. Setting up a time period will help. Like, telling yourself that you will try figuring this situation out with him for up to 6 month. And if the situation does not improve after that, you have to move on, as you've tried your best, and there are other people to live lives with.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

i'm afraid i wasn't quite as clear as i could have been...his actions the night we shared a bed occurred while he was asleep, but regardless, i don't know many people who kiss their friends while they are sleeping.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

oh ..

I've experienced it first hand, when people who are asleep did things, like kissing and more on their own accord. So it is possible.

well, this makes it more interesting I suppose. And more confusing too.

How did he find out about your feelings ? A thing I can suggest is that he has an internal struggle within himself. His conscious mind will not accept his homosexual feelings, while his subconscious mind wants to act on them.

If so, in his mind he is straight, and will try to fight off any hint of homosexuality. At least that's what I tried to do when coming out and many gay people have went through a stage where they reject their homosexuality and try to fix it.

So maybe upon finding out about your feelings, his way of rejecting his homosexuality is to reject you ?

If you think that is the case, it should be easier to get in touch with him again by applying the above thoughts. One thing I can say is that he could be listening to your messages/contacts that you leave him, even if he's not replying.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

he actually found out about my feelings because i told one of our mutual friends and then she "guessed" that he had already figured it out, so she decided to have a conversation with him about it...needless to say i'm not very happy with her for doing that. Also, he is more than likely listening to my messages and not responding because he somewhat socially challenged.
it is just really irritating because the only reason i even have feelings for him are because he did what he did and made me think, and now i'm being punished for something that isn't even my fault...and its not his fault either, which always makes me feel guilty whenever i get mad at him for basically ignoring me. but thank you for the advice, i'll try and get a hold of him today.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

If you're as convinced you're straight as you say you are, if you want a relationship with him, it wouldn't work well.

Straight men in a gay relationship just don't work.

And past experiences tell me men in your situation are gay or bi.

The best thing you can do is make him talk to you really.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

You're right, it's a complicated mess.

Unfortunately, you can't make him talk to you. It's possible, though, that he's dealing with his own internal conflicts like chrisdobro says. Most straight and secure guys would hear you out, at least. They'd also make it clear that that's not where they're at, and may also cool the friendship. But, they wouldn't be so afraid of the topic that they wouldn't discuss it like an adult with their friend. So, given his behavior, I suspect he has issues with it himself and they are being amplified by the prospect of dealing with you.

About the only thing you can do is give him space. Try again to contact him in a few months. If he's adamant about not having anything to do with you, then you'll need to respect that, sad as it is.

As an aside, and this is slightly off-topic, he's not going to believe (actually, no one is) that you're straight except for this quirky crush on this one guy. I wouldn't fuss with labels if I were you, because that's a whole other story. In fact, "going there" with him or other friends, given this situation can cause people to outright disbelieve you. Once they disbelieve you on this, then the list becomes long on what else they disbelieve you on.

Just know about yourself, that you had the ability to develop a crush on at least one guy. Hence, the possibility exists that it can happen again with another guy--the right guy under the right circumstances. Whether or not that ever happens, no one knows. But, the ability to happen is there and it's a good piece of self-awareness to have.

Good luck to you. I hope all of this works out OK with your friend.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

Gee, two staight boys falling in love with one another and unable to express their real feelings for each other?

I really hope your straight friend comes to his senses, but if he doesn't, give it up and move on.

Why not just forward him the link to this thread and see where he goes with it?
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

i got in touch with him today, and i told him that he didn't need to be reluctant to hang out with me because i have no intention of doing anything i know he doesn't want me to do to which he responded "i know its just..." thats it, nothing else so i kind of filled it in for him. At least now i know he knows that i am not going to force myself on him, so i'll see what happens...
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

I'm glad you were able to reach him.

It'll be interesting to see where this goes. Keep us informed.

Good luck!
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

belgarion63 said:
i'm afraid i wasn't quite as clear as i could have been...his actions the night we shared a bed occurred while he was asleep, but regardless, .
Click to expand...

He wasn't asleep.


belgarion63 said:
i don't know many people who kiss their friends while they are sleeping.
Click to expand...

They don't.

But as long as he's claiming to be straight, it doesn't really matter.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

unfortunately, that has been my only contact with him this week, and i can't see if he wants to do something as he went out of town today...but i'll let you guys know if there are any new developments
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

Stay friends. Whatever happens. Happens.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

So, I havn't seen or heard from him since my last post, and I'm basically giving up...there's not much else I can do, and it is causing me too much pain to think that there is still hope. I've kind of been feeling like I would feel better if I could cry, but I've never been much of a crier, and it's just really frustrating. I had a conversation with his ex girlfriend, and from what I gather he broke up with her in a similar way, which really confused me because it did seem like we were breaking up, but we weren't together, and the whole thing just really sucks. He was a really good friend, and he really helped me through my uncles death (2 years ago, lung cancer). So now I'm just kind of depressed and don't know what to do with myself.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

Put your energy into something useful instead of moping over him.

He just doesn't sound like he is worth the time and effort.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

Find yourself a nice girlfriend to take your mind off him, and resume your straight life.

Lex
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

It sounds like you need a nice, long vacation. Sitting in your room obsessing about him is the WORST thing you can do. Trust me! Don't ruin the rest of your summer. Get out, get moving and do whatever it takes to forget about him.

I wish you the best!!
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

My guess is that he's not straight and that you were appealing to him as long as he could not have you. Once he figured out he could he no longer wanted you and he'll be obsessing over the next "unattainable" dude. BTW, keep that in mind for yourself as well.

PS You don't have to be attracted to EVERY man on the planet to be gay or bi.
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

This is unfortunate. Neither of you really did anything maliciously wrong with mal-intent either.

Unfortunately, circumstances happen that are beyond your control, and you stepped up to plate to explain yourself - so, you did the absolute best you could and the ball is in his plate and there is nothing more you can do.

It is clear that he is dealing with his own feelings, and if your friendship was meant to continue, it might pick up again at some point - or maybe not.

Unfortunately, in this life, friendships don't always last - not to the fault of anybodys - but because of circumstance.

To ease yourself out of depression, you will need to fill up your time with other things. I can relate. Take care!
 
Re: An extremely complicated situation...please he

G-Lexington said:
Find yourself a nice girlfriend to take your mind off him, and resume your straight life.

Lex
Click to expand...

Well actually, after everything that has happened I have found that i'm not really interested in girls anymore...I guess the only thing left is say is
WOO Go team!
Thanks for the advice guys...its been very helpful
 
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