An old "friend" from the past

[thefishinthesea23]

Long story short: I became great friends with this guy, we got very close and our relationship was full of sexual tension to the point that he would caress my inner thigh (just an example of the thing he did to confuse me). He would always poke at me trying to provoke a response into whether I liked him or not. Eventually I told him and he freaked out and our friendship ended quite badly. The last text messages I got from him that day were hateful ones, insulting me and talking about he despised that I would think that about him in "gay" way. I was totally shattered and frankly scared of him.

3 years later he sends me an e-mail apologizing for being such an idiot and how he misses my friendship and he has felt alone since he abruptly ended our relationship. For some reason I always knew he would pop back in my life at some point, I don't know why. I write him back saying how I understand why he did it and that I also miss him. Third e-mail he says he is going to study abroad in France next semester and that I should I go with him. He sends me a link on the student exchange program he is using and all the associated cost.

Um... ok wth is this? We haven't spoken or seen eachother in years and now he is inviting me to France with him? Is it me or is something off here? He didn't even ask me how I have being doing or anything...

The thing is I am pretty sure this guy felt the same way of me as I did of him, but we live in a pretty consevative religious latin country where the "macho" in men is strong. Also I suspect his friends were questioning him about how much time he spent we me and all that obvious stuff about people who like each other.
Now this happens and I am getting conflicted all over again, because honestly we were just so good for each other. The only person I have ever spent 9 hours talking to on the phone... straight guys don't do this with their straight friends right?



Forgive my spelling atrocities.

 

[KaraBulut]

This happens sometimes when two guys get too close and the feelings get complicated. And it's not just when one or both of the guys is gay, either.

Unfortunately, it's very hard to go back and recapture a friendship when something like this happens. The question in situations like this- especially when 3 years have passed- is whether anything will be different or whether it's just better to remember it as a good friendship but one that is now part of your past.

 

[HunterM]

Agreed with Reone. Go meet him first face to face...catch up. Pay attention to his mannerism toward you. Feel the vibe...then think about what you want to do. Keep him as a friend or walk away.

 

[thefishinthesea23]

-Reone; he lives about 2h30minutes, so at the moment I don't think its going to happen. He changed universities a semester after our conflict.

-HunterM; This guy kept me confused with his mannerisms for months, I think only a direct question will work.

-KaraBulut; I have though about this a lot. It might never be the same again like you say. I will never be able to just act freely around him like I did to afraid to cross some line or something. Unless of course he makes it clear that he doesn't mind, but even then would it every truly mend the wound?

The thing is part of me wants to slash at him and call him out for being such $%@^%& immature idiot in the first place and the other part wants to give him a chance, because of the position I put him in and the great friendship we had. Also somewhere in there part of him hopes he actually might like me back the same way (pathetic I know, but its honesty).

This would be a lot easier without the part asking to join him in France. So weird.

 

[Seasoned]

I wouldn't consider going to Paris with him, but I'd be open to renewing the friendship.

 

[KaraBulut]

-KaraBulut; I have though about this a lot. It might never be the same again like you say. I will never be able to just act freely around him like I did to afraid to cross some line or something. Unless of course he makes it clear that he doesn't mind, but even then would it every truly mend the wound?

The thing is part of me wants to slash at him and call him out for being such $%@^%& immature idiot in the first place and the other part wants to give him a chance, because of the position I put him in and the great friendship we had. Also somewhere in there part of him hopes he actually might like me back the same way (pathetic I know, but its honesty).

And you've pretty much summed up why this is unlikely to work out....

The only way for things like this to be healed is for both parties to apologize, make it clear that things will be different and set aside the past to focus on the future.

While you can meet with him and talk, there's several things that you've said that make the prospects not very good:

1. It's been a long time since this happened.
2. You're not ready to give up your anger at him.
3. You're wanting to go back to the way things were instead of figuring out what the two of you want for a future friendship.
4. Part of you is still hung up on him and that same part of you wants more than a friendship.

This would be a lot easier without the part asking to join him in France. So weird.

The France thing is off the table at this point. You're trying to figure out if you can heal a big wound in a relationship from years ago. Moving to a new country would be a strain on any relationship but at this point you have no relationship with this guy.

His fear of being alone in a strange country isn't enough reason for you to put your life on hold to move with him.

 

[Laufey]

2 1/2 hours isn't THAT far. If you really want to look into this then you should meet up with him.

Going away with someone abroad should not be the starting point of renewing the friendship. I wouldn't even look into it if the person hasn't been a big part of my life for at least the past year.

 

[Ganoderma]

Moving to France together with him does not seem appropriate at this moment, but I tend to agree with others that you should think about meeting him in real life in the very nearby future.

I agree with #8 that 2 1/2 hours is not far away (that's even the case in The Netherlands), so why not arrange soon a meeting with him in real life and see how both of you react on each other when you spend again some time with each other in real life.

Definately, you will also want to know why he reacted like that. Are you right now living -more or less- as an open gay? I assume you live in either Italy, Spain or Portugal (no need to tell this, when you feel uncomfortable about sharing this kind of details to people over here)?

 

[palemale]

I suspect that he wants more than a platonic friendship with you. He could not deal with what he perceived would be the social stigma of being gay in your country (which I assume is somewhere in Latin America) if he were to be your bf. If you go with him to France, he won't have to worry about that because he doesn't know anyone there and can be himself. The problem is, you could go to France and be his bf, but that will end if you both return to your country.

 

[thefishinthesea23]

hey everyone, thank you for your input on this. I am from Puerto Rico and here gay = sin against god and shame for your family! Sometimes it feels like we are in the 1900's in this place.

With the holiday time off from university coming up I will try to arrange a meeting with him. Lets see if I can get to the bottom of this. I am actually looking forward to this, it will offer a sort of closure on this sour chapter of my life. I would love to go to France, one day, but not under these odd circumstances.

 

[yhtang]

With the holiday time off from university coming up I will try to arrange a meeting with him. Lets see if I can get to the bottom of this. I am actually looking forward to this, it will offer a sort of closure on this sour chapter of my life.

This would be a good idea. Would you be planning to meet over lunch in a public place?

Lunch gives a cut off point if things don't work out the way you prefer, and he might be less likely to behave like a total idiot in a public place if things don't work out the way he wants.

I would love to go to France, one day, but not under these odd circumstances.

I would agree on this too. 2 1/2 hours way is not too far to go - and return if things don't work out the way you envisaged. France... that is one hell of a far away, and they are reluctant to speak much English there. Not the best of places to work out an escape route.

I may sound pessimistic, but that is not my point. I am just looking at the worst case scenario and how to extricate yourself should things go badly. Of course, ideally, you two would feel sparks fly when you meet, then retire to a room and lust after each other for three days and three nights. And then f*ck all the way to France.