Hi Guys,
So I have this situation that I'm not quite sure how to handle.
I started coming out to my friends my sophomore year of high school. I began with one of my close friends and then started moving from there. However, with my best friend, I had to wait a while to tell him. When I finally did tell him, it was over the phone when he was on vacation in Florida. He seemed very surprised and maybe even a bit different though he told me that it wouldn't matter because we were close friends. So anyway, he comes back from vacation and a couple weeks later, I try talking to him about me coming out (since I used to get very depressed at this point of my life) and he completely shuts me down. He told me not to talk to him about that because he didn't know anything about it and I was better off talking to one of my girl friends about it. I felt extremely upset and betrayed by that so I kind of distanced myself from him just as he was doing with me. After a month of not talking, he called me and started talking to me normally but because I still felt really upset for what he did to me, I talked in a very apathetic way and I remember hearing it in his voice when he realized that I didn't want to talk to him. And that was the very last time we spoke directly to each other.
Fast forward a bit to the end of the year....In a nutshell, what happened was that he told one of my other friends that I was gay and my friend, told my (twin) brother. My brother confronted me about it and we talked and it was cool and all, but I was furious with my former best friend for telling anyone in the first place since my brother found out. I don't know about you, but I wanted to handle things on my own terms with my family so I was really pissed. I signed on to AIM and luckily he was on and we had a good old "internet fight" in which a lot of not so nice things were said and that was the end of it. We parted on terrible terms.
At first, I felt okay about it all. I didn't think of him much or care at all, but as the years passed, I started feeling the loss of a friend like him. To this day, I have never had someone I would consider a "best friend" like he was. I mean, I have close friends, but they have never been able to fill in that spot. Last semester was extremely tough for me for many reasons so I started seeing a therapist at school and one of the main things that we discussed was about my friend, who I guess I'll just refer to as James. You see, while I didn't miss James per-se, I missed having someone like him, who I could spend all week with, having fun, and never getting tired of seeing: a best friend. And while I had gotten over what he did to me long ago, I always felt a bit guilty because I thought that I was partly responsible for having driven a huge wedge between us by not paying much attention to him when he called me that day, in what I felt was an attempt to smooth things over with us. So basically, I felt the loss of having a friend like him and I felt guilty about how things ended up with us. He ended up becoming a pot-head and he moved out from the city and I never heard from him since... until Monday.
So I get a text from my brother on monday saying that our other friend was going to hang out with James, because apparently he came to our city to visit some friends. Seeing this as the perfect opportunity to apologize to him for the way I acted before, I text my friend and told him to give James my number. I had attempted to talk to him about 2 years ago but I never got a reply from him so I wasn't exactly hopeful that he'd actually call me, but he did. We talked for a bit since I was at work and he told me he'd call me tomorrow, and he did.
So we started talking for a bit, filling each other with things going on in our lives since our last conversation almost three years ago. When we eventually got to talking about what happened between us, it got a bit weird. I started getting really nervous so much of what he told me kinda slipped out my head but he began by saying that what happened was his fault because he was stupid to which I replied that I overreacted and I've regretted it since. Now, what he said after was what was odd. I don't know if he was referring to our friendship in the past or if he was referring to the present, but he said something like: it's just me, i can't be comfortable talking to gay people. I wouldn't be able to go to your house and chill there because I'd feel uncomfortable knowing you'd be able to look at me. I was at a loss of words but he then asked me if I was comfortable with myself and I told him I was more than comfortable and he said that was all that mattered.
I'm really confused because after we talked about that, we started talking about other things in a very casual manner and as we did years ago. In a way, I feel a little better knowing that we both apologized to each other and I, at least, don't feel that guilt anymore since in the end (years later) we were able to talk like friends again. However, I was hoping we could reestablish our friendship and be really close again, something that would help me GREATLY, but because of what he said, I don't know if that's even a possibility.
I plan on asking him if he really feels that way when it comes to seeing me as a gay guy. I feel like I didn't explain much about the depression I often feel because of the lack of a real friendship (like the one I had with him); it does greatly upset me so reconnecting with him might help that. But how can I possibly try befriending someone who would be uncomfortable with me? If that's how he really feels, should I even bother?
So I have this situation that I'm not quite sure how to handle.
I started coming out to my friends my sophomore year of high school. I began with one of my close friends and then started moving from there. However, with my best friend, I had to wait a while to tell him. When I finally did tell him, it was over the phone when he was on vacation in Florida. He seemed very surprised and maybe even a bit different though he told me that it wouldn't matter because we were close friends. So anyway, he comes back from vacation and a couple weeks later, I try talking to him about me coming out (since I used to get very depressed at this point of my life) and he completely shuts me down. He told me not to talk to him about that because he didn't know anything about it and I was better off talking to one of my girl friends about it. I felt extremely upset and betrayed by that so I kind of distanced myself from him just as he was doing with me. After a month of not talking, he called me and started talking to me normally but because I still felt really upset for what he did to me, I talked in a very apathetic way and I remember hearing it in his voice when he realized that I didn't want to talk to him. And that was the very last time we spoke directly to each other.
Fast forward a bit to the end of the year....In a nutshell, what happened was that he told one of my other friends that I was gay and my friend, told my (twin) brother. My brother confronted me about it and we talked and it was cool and all, but I was furious with my former best friend for telling anyone in the first place since my brother found out. I don't know about you, but I wanted to handle things on my own terms with my family so I was really pissed. I signed on to AIM and luckily he was on and we had a good old "internet fight" in which a lot of not so nice things were said and that was the end of it. We parted on terrible terms.
At first, I felt okay about it all. I didn't think of him much or care at all, but as the years passed, I started feeling the loss of a friend like him. To this day, I have never had someone I would consider a "best friend" like he was. I mean, I have close friends, but they have never been able to fill in that spot. Last semester was extremely tough for me for many reasons so I started seeing a therapist at school and one of the main things that we discussed was about my friend, who I guess I'll just refer to as James. You see, while I didn't miss James per-se, I missed having someone like him, who I could spend all week with, having fun, and never getting tired of seeing: a best friend. And while I had gotten over what he did to me long ago, I always felt a bit guilty because I thought that I was partly responsible for having driven a huge wedge between us by not paying much attention to him when he called me that day, in what I felt was an attempt to smooth things over with us. So basically, I felt the loss of having a friend like him and I felt guilty about how things ended up with us. He ended up becoming a pot-head and he moved out from the city and I never heard from him since... until Monday.
So I get a text from my brother on monday saying that our other friend was going to hang out with James, because apparently he came to our city to visit some friends. Seeing this as the perfect opportunity to apologize to him for the way I acted before, I text my friend and told him to give James my number. I had attempted to talk to him about 2 years ago but I never got a reply from him so I wasn't exactly hopeful that he'd actually call me, but he did. We talked for a bit since I was at work and he told me he'd call me tomorrow, and he did.
So we started talking for a bit, filling each other with things going on in our lives since our last conversation almost three years ago. When we eventually got to talking about what happened between us, it got a bit weird. I started getting really nervous so much of what he told me kinda slipped out my head but he began by saying that what happened was his fault because he was stupid to which I replied that I overreacted and I've regretted it since. Now, what he said after was what was odd. I don't know if he was referring to our friendship in the past or if he was referring to the present, but he said something like: it's just me, i can't be comfortable talking to gay people. I wouldn't be able to go to your house and chill there because I'd feel uncomfortable knowing you'd be able to look at me. I was at a loss of words but he then asked me if I was comfortable with myself and I told him I was more than comfortable and he said that was all that mattered.
I'm really confused because after we talked about that, we started talking about other things in a very casual manner and as we did years ago. In a way, I feel a little better knowing that we both apologized to each other and I, at least, don't feel that guilt anymore since in the end (years later) we were able to talk like friends again. However, I was hoping we could reestablish our friendship and be really close again, something that would help me GREATLY, but because of what he said, I don't know if that's even a possibility.
I plan on asking him if he really feels that way when it comes to seeing me as a gay guy. I feel like I didn't explain much about the depression I often feel because of the lack of a real friendship (like the one I had with him); it does greatly upset me so reconnecting with him might help that. But how can I possibly try befriending someone who would be uncomfortable with me? If that's how he really feels, should I even bother?
