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An unexpected situation

B

Blissful Fool

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So, I've encountered a strange situation with a straight friend, who's name I'll obviously be withholding. Having lurked this forum without posting for some time, I figured it'd be a good place to share. I notice many angst-ridden teenagers professing their love and depression over straight friends, and while this post DOES involve a straight friend, I can promise none of the usual teen-angst of unrequited love, and what I hope is a far more mature viewpoint on a situation that seems to be a staple of coming-out for most teenagers today.

Now, when I was younger and first coming out, naturally I had feelings for my best friend whom I came out to, because, it seems to be a general rule of people having these misdirected feelings and such and combining it with the close bond of friendship. I'm not going to spend lavish paragraphs of purple prose describing him, because his physical appearance, while nice, isn't what's important, it's that we have a ridiculously close bond as best friends that is deeply rooted in confidence and trust in the other.

I can skip all that and say I've mostly gotten over it and easily accepted the reality of nothing ever happening there, and the fact that it's worthless to pursue as much at the risk of friendship when my friend, being straight, will obviously not want that sort of thing.
There have been some of the teenager things, we have compared sizes, so I've seen him naked (and jerked, but not came, next to eachother), though it happened only twice. The second time was longer and more involved, but it was over a year later, because rumors began through some small friends of my nice endowment, so we compared for progress and even looked at porn for awhile, he examined (but lost his boner) from gay porn, and we both watched straight porn for awhile. While my wishful self hopes to superimpose a pattern of progression here, I could be delusional, and he could just be more comfortable, and touching was always off limits.

However, sometimes when I'm drunk, I tend to gloss over this and make it clear that of course it would be nice to have something happen and extend an offer, and I admit, despite my knowing better, that desire does come to the surface a bit when I'm drunk. I'm lucky enough that until now, my best friend has been accepting of this little "quirk" and can simply look over it with no damage to our friendship.

However, at a recent small party with some friends, we were talking about where I go to school and all and people eventually coming to visit me, and my friend made it very clear that while it'd never happen at home, when he comes to visit me, he'll probably be open to something, and whatever happens happens, because hey, we're best friends. This, while nice, is ENTIRELY unexpected and out of character for someone I can read well (as in, better than myself). Of course, while excited by the idea, I immediately dismissed it as simply whiskey makes you frisky, but when we hung out the next night, and were talking about some of the other things we'd spoken of the previous night, I brought the idea up to see if he remembered saying it, and while sober, he re-affirmed it. Furthermore, he's coming up to visit my school in two weeks.

Now, I know better than to emotionally involve anything into this, but I'm seriously intrigued and am certainly not going to complain about this development, but it confuses me. So I figure, why not ask a forum of anonymous strangers who help out guys who want straight people all the time?

I don't want to vigorously pursue this, and I feel I'm level-headed enough not to let any personal desires get in the way of friendship, but this offer seems at the same time, too good to pass up, and too good to be true, so I was hoping for some insight from those more experienced. Perhaps, though I'd regret it, it'd be safer to ignore the whole thing, or perhaps I should simply take what's offered in friendship but no more. I'm glad I know at least enough to not fool myself into thinking I can convert him or form this sexual bond, but if even a bit of playfulness is offered, why not?

I mean, to clarify, I strictly avoid lusting after straight men, because it's a waste of time. But with a kinda old hope of a few years ago is handed to me on a silver platter, well it brings back that old kind of dilemma that many men here seem to face.
 
I think you have the right idea already...
Not to actively make anything happen, just go with the punches while he is there, if he brings it up or trys to innitate anything, then go with it, if he doesn't then a close bonded friendship is still a good thing.

I know that wasn't quite helpful...but I think you had the right idea to begin with.
 
Well, he wants to play.

The reality is, he's curious and wants someone safe to play with quite a distance from where he lives. That means that you offer him convenience for him to explore his curiosity. This isn't about you, its about him.

Its your call whether you want to indulge this. Who knows, it could be a lot of fun. If it does happen, a couple of things could occur:

1. He outs himself, and tells you that he's always carried a torch for you. However, he needs to move away from his hometown as they won't accept him there.

2. Friendship continues without any issues. He explored his curiosity, had a good time, and you both have something between the both of you that you can both share a secret smile over when other people are around.

3. The night of drinking, passionate sex, and drunken soul-pouring occur. The next day, hungover and guilt-ridden, there is an awkward silence and he packs his things and leaves. Nothing is ever quite the same.

I think those are the extremes with a middle option.

At the end of the day, the ball is in your court. You seem to have a well grounded sense of what's up and aren't being pulled too strongly one way or the other.

Feel it out when he arrives and go from there.
 
Yup, seems like an awesome situation. He's curious, wants to find out what it's like with someone he;s comfortable with. Alcohol and porn help out A LOT, even if he's admittedly curious it's like priming the pump. Have fun, but just be clear when you're done that you understand he was just scratching an itch. I've played with lots of straight friends and I always come out with stronger friendships for it because we've shared something so intimate...but they feel safe because they were able to scratch that itch without it meaning anything deeper.
 
I think it's a bad idea for you to be available to him on his terms. You are friends not tricks. This is way too emotionally unequal. Sex play would be just the thing to help you fall in romantic love with him. I think his proposition is very selfish. My advice? Either you both are equals in a fuck buddy situation or you tell him no. You'd be setting yourself up for a whole lot of hurt.
 
I think you are treading into dangerous territory, if you indulge him. But I'm not saying not to do it heheh. I'm just saying be extra careful, because it could twist into an unpleasant direction that your or him or neither of you want or can reverse. I hope things work out for the best :)
 
He's bi. Get it ? Be ready for a friends-with-benefits relationship. Just don't fall in love.
 
Well, thanks for the replies guys, it was interesting to read everyone else's opinions.

Like I tried to elaborate on before, I know that for him, it has nothing to do with me, other then that he knows I'm gay and he's been comfortable with it unquestioningly through thick and thin. We've both been there for a lot of troubles in the others life, so I cannot impress upon you all how close we are. The typical situation where when we have the free time, have several long conversations via text, or he occasionally sleeps over, which leads to aforementioned situations where I've seen him naked, and I do admit, he seemed FAR more comfortable the second time than the first. While he's always made it clear he's definitely not gay or anything, I am feeling a sort of progression in comfort level.

Let me make this clear on some terms though, we both live a very short distance away at home, only I go away to school, so for most of the year, save a few weekends and breaks I live a good 2 hours away. While I assume the distance is an important factor, my home still is right nearby his.

It seems there's some dissent between those with warnings and those who say to enjoy it (though you all urge no emotional involvement.) While young enough to be in school, I am definitely not naive enough to think there'd be any attachment form on his end, in fact, some of our conversations involve me helping him out with issues with his ex-girlfriend, who he's still very hung up on. So, while confident I won't get hurt already having this knowledge, I can't deny that I'd enjoy helping him experiment if this is the case. All that said, I am definitely keeping cautious warnings in mind, and will very much have to play it by ear, because at the same time, I CERTAINLY don't want to take advantage of a friend if he's not willing 100%.

Let me make that clear.
Under NO circumstances, will I do anything without the green-light, and will not let even the strongest lust cloud my vision. Best case scenario, I expect little more than making out, and worst case, we still get drunk and have a fun time. While it WOULD be nice to mess around with a friend, I do not want it enough to press it if he does not, and could never do that to one of my friends.


A small update, I decided to look the gift-horse in the mouth and remind him that he'd said it (not in the context of angling for it, but in the context of kind of reminding him in case it was just the whiskey), and he said he knew what I was talking about and left it as, we'll see what happens when we're drunk, which seems like a green-light to me. It's weird, because it's precisely what I assumed would never happen, but I suppose I can update in two weeks. I'm definitely playing it by ear, it sounds like it'll be very situational, and while what I'd like is still open, I'm certainly going to be a bit cautious.

It could be my own views/doubts clouding my judgement, but it just doesn't seem as clear-cut "hes definitely curious" to me. But you guys seem to unanimously agree on it, a decision I certainly won't fight. It doesn't seem guaranteed to develop into a fuckbuddy situation, and looks far more like a one time deal. Granted the POTENTIAL is there, but that's depending if anything happens at all, and how he feels about it. Either way, I'm totally fine even if it's just a one time thing, or if not at all if necessary. Though I applaud you all for offering some level opinions and elaborating further on risks and possible situations, rather than just chanting "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
 
Do you persue it with him a lot in conversations? Maybe he just gave up batting you away and figured at least he could get head from you.

I would definately make it as easy as possible to happen, present the situation. Sounds like SOMETHING is going to happen, so now stop bringing it up!
 
Friends having fun with friends. Emotionally, I think you two will be friends as you ever were.

I think you have the right idea here. I wouldn't invest a lot in this if you're looking for something romantic and long term. Instead, it might just be another male bonding opportunity.

I don't know. I kinda went through a similar thing with a friend of mine. We actually ended up dating for about a year. In the end, he still preferred women, but I don't think I'll ever find another friendship like the one I have with this guy.

Just let him take a lead on this. Be honest with him. He trusts you, so you should trust him.
 
Oh no, I haven't brought it up for quite some time. Frankly, the offer is one I used to make a few years ago, back when first coming out and all, it seems to be a pretty common phenomenon. I've let him know since then that I was over it, but he was still a physically attractive friend, only that I did not have feelings for him that I now considered childish. Since then, I've left it open ended.

I did have to bring it up to verify his opinion on it though after he'd mentioned it. It just seems a little too simple and all, and frankly, had he not verified it, I might not have been able to do it, because I didn't want to accidentally corner him into something he'd regret sober. Now that he's verified this sober (a shocking step, really, I almost expected to lock myself out of the possibility), I don't have as many qualms about it and don't intend to say anything until we're good and drunk.

By the way, SuperPsyze, is that Syaoran from Tsubasa/Cardcaptors in your avatar? Just curious >.>
 
Well, good luck either way.

I'm not sure it's the best idea in the world, frankly, because I imagine something akin to Halifax's proposed #3 might occur as described in the 3rd or 4th post in this thread. I've always preferred the friendships over the 1-night drunken things, to be honest.

To be more honest it worries me a little that you both seem to think getting drunk is the only way (or is a good way) this will happen. I'm not sure if that's intentional - a lowering of inhibitions, perhaps, or something more along the lines of the details will be hazy the next morning which might make things easier to deal with - but that does sound an alarm bell in my head.

Is this really what you want? Is this really what either of you might want? I know it sounds fantastic on paper and you've said as much yourself, but I'll admit I'm not sold on the idea. I'd probably take it if it presented itself spontaneously, but the thinking around it like you've had to do and will still have to do in the coming days as the event draws closer would kill me.

Seriously, though, good luck. And a belated welcome - you seem like a thoughtful and level-headed guy and I hope you stick around with us for a while.

-d-
 
I think you should not make fooling around the focal point of his visit. Plan a fun weekend. Movies, dinner, sports, pillow fight all sound fun to me. Relax and enjoy yourself. Whatever happens, let it flow naturally. Have fun!
 
I can definitely see where your coming from Blackbelt. Obviously it isn't the idealized situation and in the past, I used to have feelings for him. I feel the need to clarify (almost defensively) that of course fooling around isn't the focal point of the visit, we'll be partying with tons of my school friends for majority of the time at night (leaving little actual time alone until late at night, plus I have a roommate whom I haven't lived long enough to be rude enough to sexile), and of course, showing him the campus and town around the day.

I think of it as a direction I would like the friendship to move in, even if only once to satisfy that old lusting I had to let go of as I've matured. Kind of like meeting Santa or something. While I don't think drunkenness is the only way it should happen, my friend seems to have made it clear as such but that he wouldn't mind or regret it, a tricky little paradox if I ever saw one.

Either way, speaking as someone introspective and overly analytical, I'll take your warnings most strongly to heart. I like to think I'm not the kind of guy that will ignore this all and set myself up for some potential risk, so being able to receive some level-headed advice (rather than some of the nearly pornographic suggestions and things I've seen elsewhere) is a really good relief.

And also, thanks for the welcome.
 
Sounds to me like BOTH of you want to play so why the Hell not? It's not like you're coming out of the blue on this--you're best friends & this guy is definitely curious so why not satisfy it. Don't over-complicate this, its a simple pleasurable act. Both of you may be very pleasantly surprised. Take the opportunity while its there or forever damn yourself if you don't. Life is SHORT!!..|
 
I think if you both aren't comfortable doing it without being drunk, then you shouldn't be doing it at all!
 
I think you'll have a great time and you'll be better friends for it. 'Drunk' is probably not good, but I don't think that's what you mean...a little social lubricant isn't a bad thing, it helps. So does porn. Enjoy and don't forget to tell us all about it!
 
So I haven't been near a computer, but I figured I'd offer an update, nothing very exciting.

He hooked up with a lot of my friends (girls) and did a lot to them, and while he alluded to it a few times before he arrived, it became very clear that he had no intentions of doing so. Someone else even suggested a game of spin the bottle and he said he'd only play if he got re-spins because he wouldn't wanna do anything with a guy. I admit, I was annoyed at first and kinda ticked, but it's nothing personal and it was still a pretty interesting weekend.
 
OK, Your friend is a tease and seems to like the attention. There are many straight guys that do this. They flirt and tease but would never really follow through. At least you have a "level head" and you know where you stand.
 
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