Ancient Mistake Comes Back to Haunt Me

[cabinfever]

Cutting to the chase because I could use some advice fast -

Many years ago I did what I now realize was a very stupid thing that caused alot of damage that I can never really fix.

I thought I was doing the right thing at the time but I was young and had little life experience under my belt and frankly now even with the life experience I have gained I STILL am not sure I wouldn't do it again.

I lost a friendship and I thought he was right to be angry with me when I gave it some thought but now - over 30 years later - I am going to be face to face with him in a few weeks at a gathering (yes - social distancing and masks are required). The masks might be a blessing but I suck at keeping quiet which is what scares me. I am not very good at controlling what comes out of my mouth but I want to respect the delicate situation that I caused.

Long story short - I witnessed someone close to him cheating - not just sex but a relationship as well. I think I should have made it none of my business BUT I would have had to avoid him after that because I feel it is disloyal to keep something from a friend of that magnitude BUT I also learned that telling him was a Catch 22 because I might have caused alot of damage so either way it sucks because he got very angry with me for telling him. I HATED being in that position and looking back the only way out for me would have been not to witness it or to have witnessed it with a person that I wasn't a friend of in which case I wouldn't have said anything.

I did run across a similar situation after that and how I handled it was I told the person I caught that he better tell my friend or I would. I am not sure how that played out because they moved and I lost touch years ago so who knows what happened?

So now - I can either hope to avoid him which is my game plan because if he asks me or brings it up - I have no idea how to handle it. I need some suggestions because I am likely to just confront it and let the chips fall where they may and I know I probably shouldn't do that and I really would have let it go forever had this event not come up.

So far I keep thinking unless I can think of something to say in case it comes up I will just not attend.

Should I just skip it?

 

[SeaCore]

What do you mean by not being able to keep your mouth shut?
Like, let's say the guy wants to bring this stuff up, fine, you can't be quiet, but can you say 'I'm not interested in getting into this with you and it's not fair to turn this event into a drama scene between the two of us'?

Not going is fine and might be the right thing to do. But if it this is going to be a persistent problem, you wanting to be in a certain space and people wanting you to be there but this person also being there, then you I think you're doing yourself a disservice by taking yourself out of the equation.
Your former friend was in the wrong. And I think you did the right thing. Your other friend doesn't deserve to have their boundaries violated like that.

It's worth considering this as well. If the people there wouldn't support you for having called out a cheater, are they really people worth having around? Cheating isn't a harmless act. Your ex-friend caused a lot of damage by doing it. Not you. You didn't cheat. You never agreed to keep it a secret. If you're not okay with potentially losing and damaging the relationships around you then don't cheat. You even acknowledge that you were unfairly put into a position where you didn't know what to do and tried to do right by your friend. That couldn't have happened if your ex-friend didn't misbehave to begin with.

Also, do you have other mutuals there that you could ask to help you? Like staying close to you and ending the conversation for you if the ex-friend tries to stir stuff or you start to?
Or even agreeing beforehand to stand with you if something happens?

 

[TX-Beau]

OK, Long ago and not so far away I was good friends with girl 1, girl 2, and steady, live together BF of girl 2. The two girls were the reason I knew the other guy at all, since the girls were friends since they were Freshmen (this is college not high school.) So, the summer before Senior year Girl 2 went home to do things at home, and the other three of us were left at school in an empty town. I was also the roommate of Girl 1 at the time.

We hung out a lot. Inevitable happens - pretty girl, hot guy, whiskey, no supervision, empty college town - the three of us spent most of our time when not at the bars, at his apt, that he shared with girl 2. Where is this going I hear you ask yourself, it's going to the meanest thing I've ever done. See, they wouldn't answer the phone (this is when cells were very expensive) BF had me do it. I didn't know at first why, he was using me as cover, Girl 2 got me on the phone while they were in the back doing dirty things to each other, and I'd be left making the excuses. Not cool.

Girl 2 trusted me, so she didn't question what might be happening, after all I was there, he and I hung out anyway, blah blah blah, you get the picture. By the end of summer I was really tired of being the stooge. Well, last of those phone calls, Girl 2 called, she was headed in two weeks early, be back the next morning in fact. I said nothing, the next morning BF was in the back impaling girl 1 - I got my stuff and snuck the fuck out of dodge.

There were fireworks, there may have been a brick through a windshield in the dark of night, there were demands to choose sides from amongst our acquaintance, and ALL THREE were blaming ME! OK so I let it happen deliberately with malice aforethought, and it wasn't fair to girl 2, but then neither was the penis in girl 1 - but with the clarity of hindsight, I didn't deserve any of the guilt. Neither do you.

The BF lives in Houston with girl 3 and their kids - nice family, Girl 1 is still my best friend and we speak often and hang out when she's in town, I named her oldest boy. Girl 2 marred a furriner and lives in London, and it was all a hazy thirty years ago and none of us really give a shit about a thirty year old drama anymore.

Was there damage, sure, it wasn't MY damage, the fuckers shouldn't have been fucking, and the brick throwers shouldn't have been throwing bricks, and none of them should have stuck me right in the middle of it. (I didn't get ANY dick out of it and BF was smoking hot)

The upshoot of this is, if he's still carrying ancient grudges, fuck him. Go say hi. It takes two to make a drama, or perhaps four and a brick?

 

[KaraBulut]

Thirty years is a long time to hold on to something like this.

If this guy is still angry 30 years later, then that's his issue, not yours.

If the social situation is tense, then you'll have to make a decision whether to leave the event if you find it uncomfortable.

If he's friendly and seems to have let go of something that happened a very long time ago, then you can apologize for the way things were left hanging all those years ago and you can say that you wished that you had handled things differently.

Either way, it's time that you let it go. For good.

 

[cabinfever]

Thanks guys for your advice - I ended up in a place that was completely unexpected.

I have had synchronicity before and it is cool when it happens but only for about an hour and then it subsides - I change a bit - and life moves on. Well - this was a tsunami version of synchronicity in comparison and lasted all day yesterday and is still with me - like I got a part of me back that was MIA and I didn't even know it. I had no idea really - like ZERO - that I was the one who was angry with him. Whenever I get angry legitimately I spend way too much time trying to see the other person's POV and I think it took a physical toll on me because I didn't have to do any stretching or have any pain at all when I woke up yesterday - like I had this stress in my body for years and all of a sudden I feel great instead - same today - no stretching and I feel younger.

I had worked with my therapist years ago about me hiding my anger and pretending everything was OK and not being able to express it and I understood it and thought it was dealt with and I had some what I now think was on the surface changes but now I realize I never even touched it. The Covid-19 thing is the culprit and this situation is directly related to it. I also realized I have been furious with people who are long ago dead for over 30 years now and I can thank trump and Tulsa AND my EX FRIEND for this.

What my actual problem is is that I am afraid I am going to go off on him and I had no idea 'til I wrote this and read your responses and gave it some more thought. I mean I REALLY WANT TO GO OFF ON HIM. I didn't forget it but I neglected to mention AIDS in my opening post - I watched people from the beginning who KNEW they had it ignore it and pretend that it was going to be OK and infect other people and this incident - just like the trump fucktards today pretending that their actions aren't going to kill other people.

I have spend decades now beating myself up and apologizing and being sorry that I tried to tell him and a few other people before they put me in my place and now in a moment of synchronicity I REALLY WANT to put HIM in HIS PLACE!

I don't think I am going to go now though. I am just going to process this instead and stay away from him forever. I heard also he was looking forward to seeing me from someone else who doesn't know any of this - as far as I know anyway - and I got angry when he told me that which shows me not to go.

I think going back there is not a good idea. The consequences of what I thought were my actions weren't mine at all. I had convinced myself that the other people who slept with the people who were spreading it should have known and it was just heartbreaking all around - but alot of gay men who I knew very well and are long ago dead did exactly the same thing - and this case involves that factor.

I got scolded and told off good for saying anything - more than once by more than one person actually but this guy was the worst I now realize because he was one of my closest friends at one time- and I did feel extremely guilty and sorry and started keeping my mouth shut and tried to even atone for it and I am even angry about that.

I don't really want to go now and I don't want to see him ever again. I really would like to let him have it but I won't. I would rather leave it in the past and I am not sure even if he apologized it would do any good at this point anyway. Maybe it will change if I think about it more but I would rather deal with my considerable anger now and just close the door. I think I have to forgive him and not vice versa.

Damn - NEVER expected that - never even considered it.

NOW maybe I can let it go but it is bigger than I thought because I keep remembering more things and more people I avoided and I think it is all the same problem.

I appreciate you guys taking the time to give me advice - it worked. I was expecting to apologize to him or even just be able to keep my mouth shut if I did go and I really wanted to go - now - I do not want to go and I am good with it.

 

[TX-Beau]

If you knew someone was positive especially back then, and was not even trying to be safe or even disclose - ethically you are correct (if not precisely obligated) to warn the partner. You wouldn't hesitate to pull someone out of the path of a speeding car just because the driver was your best friend would you?

That context makes this a completely different scenario. Someone once told me that only a really good friend would lie for you, it occurred to me that a really good friend would never ask.

 

[ShadowCat]

So what ever happened? Is he still angry? Did you patch things up? Did he deck you?

 

[cabinfever]

So what ever happened? Is he still angry? Did you patch things up? Did he deck you?

I didn't go - and I didn't see him. I have no desire now to rehash anything with him now or even connect. I am also not sorry anymore that I told him. I was angry with him actually but that subsided and now I just want to remember the lesson and leave it in the past.

Watching Aaron Rodgers this past couple of weeks though brought it all back like PTSD - actually all of the people who are infecting other people without a thought bring the whole AIDS thing back to me.

What I have learned - KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT but remember we all know how to avoid getting the disease so if someone lies or does not protect themselves or even if they tell the truth and do have covid - it is STILL up to the other person to take adequate precautions which includes vaccinations, masks and social distancing - just like with AIDS when safe or no sex gave one or both parties protection.

Thanks again for the advice and for letting me vent - much appreciated.