And now I'm turning guys off before I even know I like them

[Seasoned]

If everyone felt and behaved the way you have there wouldn't be many relationships anywhere. Living is a risk. Cutting yourself off from part of life will leave you alone at best.

It seems, from what you wrote, that you think any relationship you might have is meant to last forever. That is quite the set up for you and the other person. A relationship is a living entity that needs constant attending to and is destined to end.

You would be better served reviewing what you gained/learned from you last (first?) relationship, grieve its loss and move on. If the relationship meant something it will hurt when it ends. All aspects of life ought to teach us. Some don't want the lesson so they say no to such things as adventure, travel, pets, friends, partners, etc. You are free to chose, so know what you are doing.

As far as this new person is concerned, you may be giving off a vibe and he is letting you know that he enjoys you as a friend. That's a boundary he wants to establish. There is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with you.

 

[KaraBulut]

Is there something about me that makes people flee from me as fast as they can? I'm thinking that all these crappy ideas I had from the 'rejection' are actually quite accurate. Dating (or trying to) is really just asking for someone to mess you up, no?

I don't know you, so all I have to go by is what you've written in your opening post. Just based upon what you've said:

Maybe because you don't let people get close to you? Maybe because you hold on to past hurts and use them a reason to not try again? Or maybe because in your indecision about whether people are rejecting you, you make people think that you're rejecting them?

 

[Lefty]

Just my .02 worth but it is suspected that you have indicated to

this guy that you are not interested in any relationships.

Further, he likes you (who knows to what degree) and as a friend

wants you reassured he won't be making any moves on your ass.

JMO but if you guys are hanging there has to be a reason...YES?

And it doesn't always have to be sex.

 

[KaraBulut]

Maybe because you don't let people get close to you?

I know I'm a very difficult person to get to know. Probably most of the people on here wouldn't even remember me from thread to thread.

But I spent 2 and a half years doing the sharing thing where I let somebody know everything about me and I got all invested. And now I'm alone again, only this time I have all this stuff and nowhere to put it. And I don't understand how letting people get that close can be a good thing.

Well, what most people don't understand is that everyone else is afraid of rejection. So, by keeping people at a distance and not trusting them, you're giving them the rejection vibe. And most people can't be bothered to be around people who they perceive to be rejecting them.

This argument about the past is a convenient excuse not to try again. It's like burning yourself on the stove and deciding that you'll never eat again. OK- if you want to go that route but it's going to be a long, lonely (or hungry) future.

 

[KaraBulut]

For example, my friend and I have had dinner plans for over a week now. Last night I told him that I maybe like him, today I went out to meet him for dinner and he didn't bother to show up.

Here's the fault in the logic:

1. I made arrangements to have dinner with a friend.
2. My friend didn't show up.
3. Life sucks and all men are turds.
4. I'm not going to try again.

Somewhere between step #2 and #3 this whole thing went off the rails and turned into a complete emo meltdown.

What would be a more conventional response?

1. I made arrangements to have dinner with a friend.
2. My friend didn't show up.
3. What a fucktard. He better have a good excuse for standing me up.
4. Screw him.
5. Next!

I don't mean this to be harsh or mean, but there is a point in your life where you have to realize that it's not all about you and that the world is not engineered to torture you. You have to learn to not internalize every bad thing that happens.

 

[Audio Tech]

Hey, listen.... I am self employed. So I DO keep commitments, but....

I have noticed that people ARE flaky these days. I called someone we know to do some tiling. He came and gave an estimate. OK, date set. Never showed up. TWICE.

Same with the carpenter to get some kitchen work done.

Had a carpet appointment, emptied the whole bedroom and...... no one showed up. No call, nothing.
Great... where to sleep... Dammit! It never ends.

Etc, etc, etc. EVERYONE'S a FLAKE! I don't understand it.
And this is just NORMAL stuff, not even friends or dates.

I'm learning to do pretty much everything myself. I also don't hold out much hope for friends, either. But I'm willing to try and see, nonetheless. I just go into it not expecting anything.

So it's not just you. This goes on EVERYWHERE. Even in normal business.

Don't feel bad. I know it sucks, but trust me, it's not your fault if you make the effort but no one else does.

 

[slnattak]

Okay I'm just going to be direct with you.

This isn't meant to hurt your feelings, but reading your internal energy, I sensed that you are a very 'emo' person. That seems negative and cynical all the time. Just all you said there seemed to be doom and gloom crap.

If one relationship doesn't work, and you want/need a relationship then you simply get back on the horse. But nobody really wants to be around people who are miserable. It's toxic. I would say , make your own self happy - and THEN worry about a relationship. The people who really want to be with you only want to be with you when you're happy and self-confident.

Yes, we do care about you. However, nobody realistically is going to care much about anybody that can't care for themselves. It's that whole thing, confidence looks good on anybody. You know? It seems like your issue is learning how to be more self-confident, and worrying about how you're coming across to others in a 'non-romantic' sense.

It sounds like you're looking for a parent figure more than you are a boyfriend. Co-dependent relationships don't work. Your boyfriend can't be your mother, dear. And nobody can get to know you that you have a good heart and are caring, when you rub people off like that.

Again this is just how you're objectively appearing to others. Don't take offense. If it's not really true, well then- you need to conduct your behavior in a way that shows otherwise. Nobody is a mind reader, etc.

 

[slnattak]

Whoa. I sense a lot of whining and 'poor me' attitudes from gay guys. That isn't attractive. You are turning guys off because nobody likes a 'poor me' person, it's okay if you are emotional or sad but you need to be working towards being happier to be in a relationship.

Only healthy, self-confident strong gay men can be in relationships with others. Weak whiny self-loathers can't realistically have a relationship! So, the most important thing is how you feel about yourself. And nobody can do it for you but you that's sort of the magic.

The reason why people avoid you is because they don't like the insecurity, they really DO CARE ABOUT YOU they just realize they need to distance themselves away from you so you don't bring them down with your negativity.

I would also just sit and think and dream and assess what you really want from other people anyway. You probably don't even know. You know you're lonely and you want some human contact, but what specifically do you want from other people? It sounds like you don't know. This is another factor.

The reason why you're alone is cause you need to be alone, because until you fix yourself and know your own worth, you have nothing to offer anybody, anyway! The cutest, nicest boy in the world couldn't even save you from that and if you had it you would lose it anyway cause if your own self-destruction!!! It just doesn't work.

 

[spencer]

This is exactly what I'm talking about. Don't go for it and you get ridiculed. Go for it and it turns out bad, get ridiculed more.

I guess the only way you won't get ridiculed is if you go for it and it turns out good. But then at that point out don't post. Ah you guys, time to play nicer again.

 

[somedude987]

Ok a lot of crazy responses. Here's one that's sane imho

I think you outlined what you're doing wrong fairly well--it's the flirting. Flirting sarcastically (instead of seriously, or at least coyly) with potential dating material is putting them in the friend zone. The long and short of it is your friendly flirting ends up being a cocktease. Sure you can cocktease your good, close, non-datable friends as a joke, but cockteasing potential dating material is a no-no. It's just mean.

 

[LuvBoys]

Here's the fault in the logic:

1. I made arrangements to have dinner with a friend.
2. My friend didn't show up.
3. Life sucks and all men are turds.
4. I'm not going to try again.

Somewhere between step #2 and #3 this whole thing went off the rails and turned into a complete emo meltdown.

What would be a more conventional response?

1. I made arrangements to have dinner with a friend.
2. My friend didn't show up.
3. What a fucktard. He better have a good excuse for standing me up.
4. Screw him.
5. Next!

I don't mean this to be harsh or mean, but there is a point in your life where you have to realize that it's not all about you and that the world is not engineered to torture you. You have to learn to not internalize every bad thing that happens.

First of all, I laughed hysterially for 5 minutes, literally at this post. It could not have been put any better. That is absolutely golden.

Original poster, when I read your post, I felt like it was something that could have come out of my own mouth. I recently was in a relationship that I thought was going to last forever. I felt like I found my other half. I made HUGE sacrifices to be with him and to try to make things work. I am 27 and have never felt that way about anyone in my life. We got along like we knew each other our whole lives. It all sounds so cliche, I know. Well literally out of the clear blue sky he had meltdowns and the relationship ended. It has devasted me. I have never been more depressed in my life, I feel like I'm dead inside and I will never be able to love anyone again. I can't even find the will to meet people anymore and can hardly have conversations. I have been bitter, jaded, depressed, angry, incredibly sad, you name it, as I'm sure you can relate.

What everyone is saying in a nut shell is to pick yourself back up and get back out there because life is pain and you win some and you lose some. I know some of the comments come across as harsh, but they are all true. I don't think it's as easy and simple as some people are trying to make it sound, as I could only understand the feelings you probably have going through a fairly similar situation.

The attitude is definitely an issue. I'm really trying to pick myself up from this last relationship. It's been 3 months and I still feel devastated and depressed and alone for life. I have to keep telling myself that things happen for a reason, though we don't always know what that is at the present time. Nothing helps, and moving on and finding the next guy isn't always the most healthy option. You just have to take as much time as you need to feel better about things, because as long as you feel bitter and negative and cynical about men, you're not going to be able to attract them. I just don't think it's something you can force if you aren't ready. I sympathize so much with you, I really do. It breaks my heart that we have to go through these things because emotional pain and heartache is the absolutely worst pain imagineable. Nothing helps it. Nothing makes it go away, you just have to ride it out. I'm so sorry that you feel the way you do, and believe me, I feel that I can relate and a lot of us can to how you feel. The only thing you can do is TRY your damndest to not let that situation get the better of you. Don't let it overcome you. Don't let it change you into a negative, cynical person, because you will always be alone if you keep those feelings. I have had them lately too, but I do realize it's not going to be good for any relationship I try to pursue if I'm bitter and jaded about men in general. Just take your time, even if a year isn't enough, then take more, but hopefully slowly you'll feel better about things because there really isn't a black and white answer to making you feel better. That's the shitty part about emotions, there isn't a lot that you can do. Something that really helps me is to keep a journal and vent about all the nasty fucked up shit you feel inside. Anyway, I hope you're doing okay and believe me, there are a lot of people that empathize with your situation. Hang in there!