...and that's why I should never become a counselor!

[qwe549]

So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for two months (today, coincidentally), and we've known each other for about 3 and a half months. We've talked at length about our pasts, and have really come to know each other.

His grandmother died yesterday and I was talking to him on the phone tonight and he was relaying his annoyance at some of the family's decisions, etc.

Then I stupidly went into "counselor" mode and tried to say how it would be ok, etc and I think I rambled a bit and went too far because he snapped and said "OK!! ENOUGH TALKING ABOUT THIS! Let's change the subject." And when I did (it was a rather forced subject that didn't really go anywhere) he "went to bed" about 5 minutes after that.

I just feel awful... like I made him feel worse, somehow. Ever have a moment like that when you don't mean any harm but just end up putting your foot in your mouth?

By the way, would it be awkward to show up at the calling hours? His mom knows about me and that we're dating, although I haven't met her yet (he doesn't have a dad and is an only child), and he's really not close with his extended family, they have no clue who I am and would probably think I'm just a friend.

So would it really be weird to show up at an event like that? He's kind of a loner and doesn't have many friends himself, so I think it would be a nice gesture. And again, I don't mean any harm by it, but would it be a bad move?

 

[spooger]

even though you may be well intentioned, an appearance at such an intimate family event as Grandmother's funeral could divert attention from where it should be ... onto you and your guy ... and cause much more grief than you can suppose...

this is really something that you should consult with him about before going ... his mom may know about you and him ... but does the rest of the extended family? ... and don't assume that you would be "just his friend" .... you may end up "outing" him to the extended family in a very akward manner

is a 2 or 3 month relationship sufficient enough ... whatever that means ... for you to even attend an intimate family event?

this could be a very delicate issue ... please speak to your guy about it ... perhaps your best comforting can be offered in private with him ... and i'm not speaking about sexually ... but time spent with him ... make dinner together ... an outing ... cuddling on the sofa ... whatever is meaningful between you ...

good luck ...

 

[qwe549]

Your reply really helped me see things in a different perspective. I'll mention the subject to him. It didn't even cross my mind that by showing up there out of the blue I could potentially open up a whole pandora's box of problems... I just imagined myself in his situation and thought about how I wouldn't want HIM showing up at MY grandmother's funeral... yikes!

Maybe planning some one-on-one time a few days after would be a much better idea.

Thanks for the advice!!

 

[spooger]

^^ you're welcome ...

you know ... when we enter into a new relationship, we want to "be there" for our partner in so many ways ... and all the time ... that we can become almost suffocating ... i think you saw this in your phone conversation you spoke about ...

you seem to be genuinely well intentioned for your guy ... take things slowly and the relationship may last longer than a fast approach which fizzles quickly after the "polish" wears off ... good luck ...

 

[midnight81]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and disagree with Spooger (mostly). While I agree that you might accidentally out your boyfriend and you should ask him if he'd want you there before you decide to go, I think it would be a wonderful gesture for you to go and show him you care and are thinking of him during this hard time. My grandmother recently died as well and it would've been nice to have someone I was dating show up and give his condolences. Although I think the wake would be the place to do this, not the funeral. Funerals tend to be a bit more intimate.

As for the talk the other night...he probably was just upset and didn't want to talk about it. Or he might not have wanted you to hear him cry. It doesn't sound like he's mad at you...probably just upset about his loss and handling it poorly. Just try to be there for him without pushing too hard in one direction or another, and def ask him if he'd be ok with you stopping by the wake to pay your respects.

 

[azzficker]

Regarding the phone call, I wouldn't be worried about this being a major setback in the relationship or anything. He was going through a lot of grief and probably felt uncomfortable talking about it so much, which is hard to pick up on over a phone conversation, so no fault on your part there. Sometimes when something terrible has happened to us that we know we can't change, especially if it's recently, we just want to be left alone for a bit to grieve and think, and essentially, "allow ourselves to be sad." He just needed this time before he was willing to talk about it a lot, which is probably why he snapped. We all do it, to some degree.
Also, when he said he "went to bed," he wasn't trying to blow you off, he just wanted to be alone for a while, and he knew this was a way to be by himself. Don't take it personally.

Regarding your appearance at the funeral, I would strongly unadvise it. Maybe you've been lucky enough to not suffer the loss of a very close loved one, but when you do, you'll realize it's a very tender time for you, and your family. Funerals, moreso than wakes, are a very, very intimate and personal family affair, and, no offense, but it could be slightly disrespectful to the rest of his family if you showed up without even knowing the deceased and just going to spend time with your boyfriend. I recognize your heart is in the right place, and if your hubby is good, he will, too, but it's still a bit of an intrusion on a close, and delicate family occasion.

Let your boyfriend know that you're there for him, check up on him (though not incessantly), tell him he can talk to you whenever he needs to. And if he seems to want to be alone for a while, give him that space. Sometimes we honestly just don't want to be cheered up just yet.

Bottom line: Be supportive and loving, but willing to give him his space. (Also, my apologies for an extremely long post. At my aunt's funeral my cousin brought her boyfriend, whom none of us had met, and it just seemed a bit out of turn.)

 

[Horschallen]

You obviously meant well. Sometimes it is best not to push yourself into the situation. Let him dictate the extent of your involvement in HIS family situation and respect him. Don't hold any grudges for his decision to leave you out, let you in partly, etc. Flowers, cards, etc., should be sent to his home directly if you wish to send anything (not in person... three weeks ago my mother passed on and I had a friend handing me a sympathy card at a party last week. I lost it right there. Sending it in the mail would have been most appropriate).

 

[BearBoi]

It is the instinct of most men to address a problem head-on and try to 'fix' it.

Sometimes people just want to talk and have somebody listen.

Silence is golden.

 

[braex27]

It is the instinct of most men to address a problem head-on and try to 'fix' it.

Sometimes people just want to talk and have somebody listen.

Silence is golden.

Definitely agree. Never underestimate the value of your simply listening to another person while they tell you about what is frustrating, depressing or troubling them.

 

[operafan]

Not only is listening a value, but also murmuring things like, "I'm sorry you're going through this." "Is there anything I can do?" etc.

 

[qwe549]

Hi guys.

I really do appreciate all the advice. Just as an update/end to the story we did talk the next day and one of the first things HE brought up all on his own was "I didn't mean to snap at you last night... I was stressed" and I responded that I get myself into trouble a lot for not knowing when to shut up. We had a laugh over the whole thing.

Then later on in the conversation I just casually dropped "Could I stop by the calling hours on Wednesday?" and he was genuinely surprised the thought had even crossed my mind. He wasn't expecting me to come but said it would mean a lot to him if I did.

So, I made the hour and a half drive through the middle of nowhere countryside on Wednesday and ended up staying for an hour! He's got a large family, so the funeral home was VERY busy and I was his only personal "younger" friend to show up. There were lots of people my age though and I blended in. Just sat down in one of the chairs in an out-of-the-way place and he'd stop over and sit down next to me and we'd talk for a few minutes at a time until he got up to go greet some people for a while. His family was so busy no one even really noticed me except his mom (who I did get introduced to for the first time and she was lovely).

I by no means tried to exploit his grandmother's calling hours to make myself look good, but I hope he sees that I genuinely care about him. I've met MANY, many guys I've been attracted to, but not on this level before. This one's special.

Again, thanks, guys. I've been an avid lurker here for a few years now and I do reply to stuff every now and then, but this is the first time I've reached out for advice and I appreciate it!!