Andreus IV approaches

[Andreus]

Well I just got a call from my dad about a half hour ago.

it seems he has booked a flight to maine and will arrive in a few days.

i recently made a career change, and i am taking a job in a boston hospital in patient services as a translator for doctors who need to give advice and orders to non english speaking patients. it was quite a jump for me, but i got tired of watching misery in my last job and not being allowed to do anything about it.

the long and the short of this is, though, that my dad has decided that my health and finances are not strong enough to handle the move on my own and he is coming with my little brother to not only arrange the move, but pay for it, and manage it.

this is both comforting and distressful to me. while i am gratefull that he cares, being independant is the most important thing in my life.

i am a pale shadow of who he is, both intellectually and tenaciously. He is like a rabid pitt bull on steroids when he wants something and nothing can change his mind once it is set upon a certain path. He is extremely successful financially and i have always known i would never measure up to his success. Very few people will, actually. he is simply the kind of greek man that always gets his way and destroys everything in his path that interferes with his agenda. he is an absolute controll freak.

While I am greatful that I have reconciled with him, this is the exact kind of behavior that drove us apart in the first place. just telling me what i am and what i will be doing makes me absolutely nuts. he just decides what i need and informs me that i will be doing it or getting it.

there are also aspects of my personal life that he will never accept and I know that it will once again be the main theme of our visit.

i just dont know what to do at this point

the anxiety attacks are already settling in

how do you guys deal with your dads?

 

[chas007]

Andreus,

Congradulations on your career change, do what YOU want to do.

Unfortantly my dad passed away some years ago. I never told him I was gay, however we were starting to really bond a couple of years before his death.
He was a man with quit a bark but little or no bite. I miss him dearly.

Dealing with parents is no easy matter, and every one's situation is different I would presume. Love and respect them, but also respectfully demand the same in return.

I wish you all the best in the coming months and hope all will turn out in a positive manner for you and yours.

 

[puka-pride]

I um... walk away when he pisses me off...

but for the most part me and him get along

I'm sorry to hear ur dad is a douche.... run away to toronto

 

[looseliam]

Take the money and run. It may be rather stressful for a few days, but he will leave.

how do you guys deal with your dads?

Two words: "Yes, Sir."

 

[Andreus]

yeah

he will leave, but only after the usual extraction of the pound of flesh

i told him he couldnt stay with me and he said my place was too small anyway. He had already made plans otherwise

every word and interaction gets to be a criticism of my life

i just dont know

 

[MidnightPrism]

i just dont know

Seems like the other JUBbers are better at giving advice.

You are a strong & independent man. Don't try to measure you accomplishments against his. You'll make it through these few days because we'll be right here for you.

 

[NickCole]

yeah

he will leave, but only after the usual extraction of the pound of flesh

i told him he couldnt stay with me and he said my place was too small anyway. He had already made plans otherwise

every word and interaction gets to be a criticism of my life

i just dont know

If you don't respect him or if his behavior damages your life, banish him.

But if you do respect him and the intent behind his behavior is to assist you, try to see his love for you in his words and actions. We each demonstrate caring in our own way and it's important, as adult children, to recognize what's really behind our parent's criticism and attempts to control.

You're a smart, stubborn man with a lot of pride, Andreus, probably very much like your father. You won't win in a battle of wills with him: it won't give you what you want. Let your father prevail in the many things that don't matter that much, give that to him. Don't be in a constant battle of wills because it will be a miserable relationship for you both. Having said that: stand your ground when the issue warrants it -- he secretly expects you to and will respect you for it. But choose the battles you fight very carefully.

 

[ladygrey]

How about abusing some prescription drugs for a little while?
lol

You're fine. It may be ackward, but it'll work out.

relax, lover.

 

[Lube]

Andreus,

ds and Nick give some great advice, and yet... and yet... it's never that simple. I know exactly where you're coming from. It's living Hell on earth, minus the temperatures.

When you've been told that you're not good enough, over and over and over again by your family <or insert person's name here> for 10, 20, 30 years, it grates on you after a while. It's so great to get away from families like that and live on your own. To be independent, self-assured.

And yet somehow that all dissipates when family returns. You (and they) fall back into familiar roles. It's impossible to get them to treat you as an adult.

My family is just like yours. I know where you're coming from.

It won't be simple or easy; it will be painful and bring back painful memories; old habits (on both sides) die hard. Don't for a minute delude yourself that "it will be different this time" or "it will be easier this time". It won't.

You can be stronger and more self-assured because you are independent now. But you will never win with these people. Unfortunately, you can't ever throw them out of your life; you just have to deal with them.

Lucky for you, your father means well. My father was obnoxious but meant well, too (he's now dead). My sister, however, is obnoxious (a bully) and does not mean well. She is evil incarnate. She has a chip the size of the Rock of Gibraltar on her shoulder. She will do anything and everything to intimidate, scorn, and make fun of me in front of my family. My family just plays along because "it's funny". Ha ha. I'm the only one not laughing.

But it's temporary. It could be worse. Just plow through the time he's here. Pick one or two things to not back down on, and just let the rest go on by.

It's about all you can do.

 

[slobone]

I had a very rocky relationship with my father when he was alive. But since he's been gone, it's ironic how much I've come to see that I resemble him. After all, 50% of my genes come from him.

In your case, maybe you've inherited some of your dad's assertiveness, only it comes out in different ways. Now that you're old enough to know more about who you are and what you want, different from what he wants you to be, maybe you can enjoy observing him in action without getting bent out of shape by it.

Or respond to his attacks with humor. Make a joke out of it. I don't know if that's possible for you, but I was able to do it a few times and my dad seemed to appreciate it.

 

[Andreus]

Thanks everybody for the input

yeah... me and my dad are similar in many ways i guess

one thing that he is doing that is really suprising me is that he is bringing my little brother with him

I havent really had any interaction with him since I was a teen because my father thought that I would be a bad influence on him.

Either he believes more in me or he believes more in my brother, but it is a change.

I know he is helping because he cares. its one of the only ways he knows to show affection, as cold as it seems to me sometimes... I just dont want the bill for his help to be an expectation of complete obedience.

that has always been the way in the past.

My mother always said that the reason he and i didnt get along was because we were soo alike. that was a judgement he and i both always resented deeply

I just hope that he can see that I am the man he always wanted me to be, ewven if i have made some choices that he would consider immorall

it hurts that he thinks he failed when he was raising me

it hurts alot because really so much of him is everything i ever wanted to be. i just decided that self awareness and self truth was more important than money

i want him to be in my life, but i can't let him damage the hard work i have done to become a kinder person than he is...

getting a bit emotional so I'll stop writing

 

[Croynan]

Many good wishes on the career change. It sounds most rewarding and the chance to interact with people of different cultures who are in need of guidance and assistance.





eM.

 

[buzzj]

I wouldn't even attempt advice in this situation--- but I'm very happy for you regarding the career change! Best of luck to you...!

 

[lonnie1]

May I suggest another approach. Since you obviously are independent now and you're father isn't going to change his personality overnight, how about when he first arrives, you sit down and have a talk about this specific issue. Tell him you love him--remind him it's your life and that you and he have different ways of measuring success. Set rules up front--no one interrupts the other, you must let them speak; come to agreement on what you disagree about; restate your love for him and your family. Try not to yell and get angry.

Give it a try--giving into him for 3 days is not going to make your life better in the long run. Domineering people only respect strength in response. If you need his money then it's a whole different dynamic, but if you want his respect and damn the money, I would suggest the above.

Good luck. Let us know how it turns out.

 

[Ginge]

The trick is not to make your dad feel he has failed you in anyway. If you want to remain that independant then tell your Dad " thanks for coming all this way to help, it's really apreciated. But, if i need more help financially to move you will be the first person i ask for help. At the moment i think i am it all sorted."

This leaves an open door where he could still help if need be and if you need the help

Good luck in your new job. I hope it works out

 

[Rand]

Yes, congratulations on the career change - I do hope that you will be happy. I hope that you can accept his love with grace. Is there something he likes - a food or drink or such that you can have waiting for him as a gift from you to him. It is the thought that counts; also, by giving him a gift, puts what he is doing as a gift to you, not a bribe or a payment, but a gift. Learning to accept gifts from friends and family is hard for some of us to do.

take care dear sir - celebrate your life

 

[blooeyz]

I cut my dad out of my life years ago

 

[DarkNeko]

every word and interaction gets to be a criticism of my life

I know exactly how you feel. My dad and I don't get along...at all. He has never taken my side. At family get togethers, if I was playing with other children and one of the other kids did something bad he would punish me; make me "the whipping boy". He also used to make fun of me for being "too girly". He would make fun of the way I walked and talked. I don't have anything to do with him now, buit he is always trying to make contact with me.

 

[elle]

I cut my dad out of my life years ago

mine too.

mostly because he was only around when he wanted to be, so by the time i was like 15 i had it...

i hate that for some reason anyone who reminds me of him has 0 chance with me & my father is black & my mom white...
and it really makes it hard for me to be attracted to black men & i hate that so much...all i can do is try and work against it & be aware of why i do it... because i have no true bias i just have father issues.

Andreus i hate to be so blunt, but if you can tolerate him do so...with the grace you have & knowledge that you are the best you.
If not don't...you will still be loved.

 

[Rand]

mine too.
...snipped ....
i hate that for some reason anyone who reminds me of him has 0 chance with me & my father is black

Elle - please know that as long as you allow him that control over you, it is not your life you are living

Please reclaim your life

Please live your life - celebrate your life

expunge his control - acknowledge and ignore him

best of luck