Andreus IV approaches

[elle]

I'm trying

 

[mike_n_herrin]

My dad is dead.

While that is a very blunt way of saying it...think of it this way, as much as he gets on your nerves and he annoys the fuck out of you...at least he is around to do it. just batten down the hatches and weather the storm sort of speak.

 

[Andreus]

thanks everyone for so much input

I really am paying attention and reading everything posted

I know i am not posting that much here, but its just because i am clueless and considering everyones words

hugs to everyone

 

[Michael Luc]

Sadly, my dad has died, so I can't say how I deal with him. But about your dad making your social life a focal point, can you simply refuse to discuss it? How about admitting to your dad that you and he will always disagree on that aspect of your life and leave it at that. If he persists, simply repeat the above. (I guess I'm being too simplistic.)

 

[Andreus]

To say that he is manipulative is an understatement

lets not forget that he would not give me money for surgery unless I stopped talking to Kahil.

its not quite as simple as it appears, but I am glad to hear so many differetn ideas

In the end I will meditate on this and I'm sure all the input here will be part of my considerations

 

[ladygrey]

oh honey,

now that I have more time: I'll make better suggestions

you are a sweetheart, dearest though



Now,

everyone has given great advice. I'm really proud of them, in fact.

But I will say two things:

No one can ever hurt our feelings, make us feel pain, or intimdate us without first having our consent. Point is, you are in control of your thoughts and your reactions. So realize that he is making judgements based on his experinces (which is his shit, not yours) and let it go. I find repeating in my mind "I am loved and worthy" helps. Also, really listen to him this time. Don't automactily jump into your memeries or your thoughts, but listen to him really hard:
I bet you'll start to notice things, like how self focused his comments are and how much he is not really listening to you

that said,

he clealy loves you. So be thankful he's willing to do that. And he's getting older, no? So he might be wanting to reconnect to you. And bringing your brother? that sounds like a gesture to me...

so really, hun

you're not afraid of him

you're really afraid that a) he's right about you, and him coming here with reveal it

or

b) that you won't be able to honor your own truth and remain safe and secure in the midst of his drama

to both:

I say 'bullshit"

You're a beauitful, intelligent, opinated man. So you'll be able to find a loving place with him and move on with your life.

I beleive.

rememeber,

Hold love and forgiveness in your heart and there can be no pain, only healing

 

[ladygrey]

^
do mediate

try this one:

Hold the image of what you see as pure love in your mind, focus on the center of your heart, and repeat with each breath "I embrace the love with all things" or something like that

sounds orpah, but it works

 

[Andreus]

thanks lady

hugs

 

[ladygrey]

aw shucks,

what's a boy to do? If you lived closer, I'd offer to bake you something vegatarian lazanaga and we could hjave intelleceutal conversations about God, native spirituality, and islam....

but as if stands, I'm limited to sending loving thoughts....

 

[Sausy]

I was going to say something,but Ladygrey put it together so well,all I can say is bravo!Overall,that iswhat you should focus on.My hopes things work out well for you and your father.

 

[justsimon]

I cut my dad out of my life for several years, until my little brother graduated from college and I knew I'd have to see him there. I decided to meet him on my own terms beforehand to avoid drama and stressing out my brother. We met, we ate, we caught up. Things will never be comfortable, but at least they are comfortably uncomfortable.

I don't have any direct advice for you, except to be your usual strong self. And breathe.

 

[NickCole]

To say that he is manipulative is an understatement

lets not forget that he would not give me money for surgery unless I stopped talking to Kahil.

If you loved Kahil and wanted to continue talking to him, but capitulated to your father, that's part of the reason you're conflicted about him and anxious about his coming for a visit. If you didn't capitulate, you ought to be able to tap into the power of owning yourself and your life as your father's visit nears. If you didn't capitulate to your father about so important an issue, you've got the self-power that comes from that living inside you -- find it and use it to nourish your strength, your self-esteem and self-confidence.

In dealing with this challenge it's important to keep in mind that the way your father treats you, as ladygrey noted, is about him and his stuff. The way you feel about your father is about you and your stuff. You have no control over your father's behavior, you have control over your own -- and it's your behavior that ultimately informs how you feel about yourself and about your father's behavior with you.

 

[Andreus]

If you loved Kahil and wanted to continue talking to him, but capitulated to your father, that's part of the reason you're conflicted about him and anxious about his coming for a visit. If you didn't capitulate, you ought to be able to tap into the power of owning yourself and your life as your father's visit nears. If you didn't capitulate to your father about so important an issue, you've got the self-power that comes from that living inside you -- find it and use it to nourish your strength, your self-esteem and self-confidence.

In dealing with this challenge it's important to keep in mind that the way your father treats you, as ladygrey noted, is about him and his stuff. The way you feel about your father is about you and your stuff. You have no control over your father's behavior, you have control over your own -- and it's your behavior that ultimately informs how you feel about yourself and about your father's behavior with you.

i know

the hard part is making my head take over instead of my emotions while hes here

if both he and I lose our tempers it will be a really bad thing

I talked to my brother on the fone, and he says that our dad really is worried about me and I should trust his intentions this time. He also said that when I was in the hospital my father was overwrought with fear that i was going to die before he and i had a chance to talk about a few things. But we didnt ever talk about them

I think I just need to be a grown up and be responsible for my own emotions. I have no idea why, but my Dad seems to be the single person that can push every button i have just by walking in the room

I guess i just need to keep an open mind

 

[NickCole]

i know

the hard part is making my head take over instead of my emotions while hes here

Yes. That definitely is the hard part!

Keep in mind how much better you'll feel about yourself and your relationship with your father if you let your behavior be ruled by your head rather than your emotions. And maybe, in these days before he arrives, give yourself something specific to put in your mind for when you feel your emotions taking over that'll help calm and balance you, or even distance you a little bit from your emotions in a shaky moment. Sometimes that works for me.

I think I just need to be a grown up and be responsible for my own emotions. I have no idea why, but my Dad seems to be the single person that can push every button i have just by walking in the room

Yes, most if not all of us can relate to that! For most of us there's someone who can push all our buttons ... you know why? Because they, or a person they represent to us, is the one who installed those buttons in the first place. That gives them a lot of power over manipulating your emotions. But not absolute power. You own yourself, Andreus. Keep reminding yourself that.

I know it's hard; I know how you're feeling. Try to not go through it alone. I assume you have someone, or more than one someone, on whom you can lean if the going gets too rough while your father's there -- don't hesitate to call on him/her/them if you need to. And, like a pain reliever, it's most effective if you don't wait until your feelings are at a crisis point to use it.

Good luck my friend.

 

[Andreus]

thanks NickCole

So much

hugs

 

[ladygrey]

^

hey sweetheart,

that's cause your father mirrors you!

In other words, he represents qualties about yourself that you ethier dislike OR competely empatize with. I mean, if the situation was reversed, would you not be doing what he's doing? Would that not be your first instinct?

And if it isn't,

then would you be horrifed by his choices? Are you sayingm "I'll never be like that!"

Because ethier way, you're really struggling with yourself.......which is what I bet your father is doing with you!

how can you have a conversation with each other if you're both looking inward?

 

[Andreus]

i dont think i would be as controlling of my sons behavior in regards to sexuality, but i have lost a few really important people in my life, and i know i would go to just about any length to save someone in the future

so.... i guess if he really thinks he's saving me from something then he really is doing what i would do

well i will try to go easy on him and also try to duck and deflect the insults back at him as if they werent aimed at me

i probably wont be as sucessfull as i wish i could be, but maybe it will at least be better this time

progress is all we can hope for, right?

 

[tommy296]

Andreus,

Ladygrey gave some great advice (as he always does)! I'll throw in my two cents as well from my experience. Rather than duck and deflect his insults, call him on them. A simple, "Um, what's your point Dad?" will bring it to his attention that you heard what he said. And it's okay to say "I respect your opinion, but it really makes me uncomfortable/angry/homicidal when you say things like that to me." Calling him on it is kind of like turning on a light in a room full of crawly things - they run and hide from the light.

Most importantly, forgive him. Not to make him feel better - forgive him so you can let go of the things he does that hurts you. Otherwise, it will just run around in your head, over and over, and continue to hurt you. A very wise, 80 year old man once told me that whenever someone pissed him off, he did something nice for them like give them candy, or send flowers, etc. The act of doing something nice for someone who angered him allowed him to release the anger (and often made them reflect upon what they did to anger him in the first place).

I hope this 1) makes any sense and 2) helps! You have lots of people sending good thoughts your way for this to be an opportunity to heal rather than another conflict.

 

[ladygrey]

"so.... i guess if he really thinks he's saving me from something then he really is doing what i would do"

Exactly!!!

Yah! You just realized something hopefuly...........he LOVES you, because he's taking an action you would take if you felt that someone you love was in danger.

So if he loves you, then you must love him, right? And if you love each other, than why can't you be comfortable with each other?

Because love is often uncomfortable. It hurts and it's difficult. If it was easy, than more people would genuinly have more of it. But what makes it so painful has nothing to do with love:

love hurts because we keep trying to use it to protect, attack, pressure, force, bend, or otherwsie change others and our self.

your father is trying to change you through his love, so it hurts him greatly

your trying to protect yourself through your love, so it hurts you greatly

if you both just admitted to yourselves that you love each other and stop worrying/bending the love

and just let it be: focused on the love, let the love speak, let the love act

instead of letting the fear, the desire to be safe, the past speak

you'd both heal

so let go and let love


if you lived near me, I'd charge you 40 bucks for that
lol