Andymike - Archived Blog Posts

[andymike]

Howdy guys, it’s my first blog! I’m a little nervous, so bear with me.

I went out drinking tonight, Rage (so ignore the spelling, grammar, and rambling). It’s not so much the place to be on Saturdays, but hey, we can’t always be at THE party in Hollywood. Just so you know, when I drink I get, well um, forward and grow a set of 40 lb lead webos. (Balls)

So, I’m out with Kevin, my ex-ex bf. We’re having Blue Hawaii’s. I KNOW! So good Elvis sang its tune! LOL Well Kevin and I are sitting there drinking our drinks when these 2, well dressed, older (35ish) guys come up and ask to buy us a drink. I think their names where Steve and John, but who knows. We decided to do a shot called a COWBOY COCK SUCKER. (I know, if only that came in my grocers’ freezer, I’d never leave home.) Long story short, we danced, had a lot of cock suckers and Blue Hawaii’s. When Steve asks me “Would you like to go back to my place or go out sometime?”.

Well you know; I’ve not been on a date or sex in over 1 year now. Since my ex-boyfriend Richard broke up with me. (Yes, I still love him a lot.) However, even thought I miss him, I don’t know that I want anything more then friends right now. I want to play the field, meet the public, and fill the holes… Ya know guy stuff. Actually, I want a smart hottie that puts out like a broke candy machine, but hey. Can’t have it all I guess…… So back to the story! I’m dancing with Steve; he’s asked me back to his place…

Now I know, it’s been a while and I’m a man and have urges, but you know, you get a vibe from someone…. And let’s face it, cute as Steve was, I just didn’t get those vibes from him. You know the one that just make “you need it”. So, being the drunk, 40 lb balled, bitch that I am; I look Steve in his face and ask “Can you make me loose my breath? ”

When I get this look like “Huh?” So, I look him dead in his eyes, and say “Can you keep up baby boy? Ya know, Make me lose my breath. I don’t like when I’m trying to get my groove, and my partner only meets me only halfway.”

Well, I’m game for almost anything, so I agree to go back to Steve’s place. Now I’m all into the romance thing, but when you meet a guy at a club, get drunk, and make out half the time during the night there isn’t much small talk to be had after you get in their place and take the shoes off. (Other then whose top and whose bottom, right?)

Well 45 minutes of small talk, 2 drinks later, I can tell Steve’s very nervous. So, being me I get this song pop in my head. I start smiling, and Steve asks why I have that grin. Well, I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I will say it was like that CHRISTINA MILIAN song. Ima show you how to make your man say “Ooo”

When I left, he his eyes where glassy, his face was red. He said thanks for the best time he’s ever had in his life, and he would call me this week…..
Let’s see if he does…

 

[andymike]

So I’m playing around in weho m4m on AOL and all I see are names like “bottom4u21” “fillmyhole69” “Hole2Fill818” “Hungtop8” “Frat4btm”, STUDent4fun ect…. Now there isn’t anything wrong with being “friendly”. Hell, if you’re cute and a bottom I’ll be friendly with you. (And if Bryan over at cravemen would hold still a minute, I’d be friendly with him all night long. LOL) What I noticed is that 85% of all the profiles I looked at with the word(s) “Frat, Jock, Twink, Jock, ect” where like 40-90 years old. I think one might have been older, but the votes still out on her.

My question is where was I when we had the Global Gay Counsel Meeting to vote on the age limit for frat boys, jocks, twinks…? Was I in the bathroom or stoned for that vote? Isn’t there a cut off age to be able to call yourself one of those terms I mentioned…? Ya know, like after, oh I don’t know, 30 your not a twink anymore…OH NO! lol

I also found out that I LOVE the Scissor Sisters! That song FILTHY/GORGEOUS. BECAUSE YOUR FILTHY, AND I’M GORGEOUS! YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO NASTY! Haha Lord, you have to love’em. Ok be back later on guys, and there is rather yummy little hottie from the OC messaging me.

 

[andymike]

Ole went hunting with a Czech named Janek in the north woods of Minnesota. They somehow became separated and by the time Ole retraced Janek’s trail, the Czech had been attacked by two bears and eaten. nearby observers called authorities who arrived on the scene and wondered which of the two bears had eaten the Czech. Ole advised them to slaughter the male…. which they did. When Janek jumped out of the bear’s stomach, the game warden asked Ole why he was so certain. “Becoss,” said Ole, “it’s yust like the old saying, ‘Da Czech is in da male.’”

 

[andymike]

If you can, PM me your phone number! lol

 

[andymike]

The Dinner party is starting. Your parents are there. Your in-laws are there. Your boss is there. Your husband's boss is there. Your minister and his wife are there. You're settling in for a nice relaxing evening..

Then.... In walks the dog.....

 

[andymike]

 

[andymike]

My friend from Mega Hung sent me this really cute joke! So I had to share.

One day, mom was cleaning Junior's room and she found a bondage S&M magazine in the closet. This was highly upsetting for her. When her husband got home, she showed it to him.

He looked at the magazine and handed it back to her without saying a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

He looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

 

[andymike]

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day
she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with
tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your
club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a
motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and
points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any
man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4
packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while
I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been
picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."

 

[andymike]

How deep is the river if you can not see the bottom?

 

[andymike]

So, as some of you may know, I recently moved to WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA. (Last November) West Hollywood is some sort of gay male Mecca. Maybe a dyke or miss directed straight couple here and there. However, everywhere you look, hot male body, great eyes, smoking ass, ECT. I swear, I'm like a compose near north! (Southern Joke sorry.) Now, me, well I’m a farm boy. You know the type, picking corn, milking cows, fucking farm hands, ECT. However, I’m far from one of those GYM guys. You know the type.

30 BWM’s, 4 Hummers, and 3 cups of starbucks coffee later, I get home and back to work. Someone has to make sure that everyone has their hot gay porn right…? 7 hours later I ordered take out from Pink Dot. Before I could even get my name and address out of my mouth, the clerk on the phone says “Dude, you sound cute, what do you look like and are you single? Want to trade pictures online and go out on a date this weekend?”

Now I know the internet has changed things and brought out a more forwardness in the gay public, but when did the gay public change to a community of take out food, downloading movies online, and ordering a Take Out Boyfriend….?

Later that night (about 4 hours later) the phone rings. Guess who it was….? Take Out Guy. Now, being single, 27 years old, and a bit of an adventure seeker, I decided to see where my Take Out Date would take me. So we talk for a while on the phone, emailed pictures back and forth (yes he was a hottie hehe), and set up a date on Saturday to hang out for coffee. Well, Saturday comes, time to meet take out boy. So I get to starbucks, a few minutes before him, so I get a table for 2 and grab the closet fag rag. Few seconds into my rag, and I hear “Hey Andy, I’m ———“. All I could do was look, think WOW! Take Out Guy was HOT with an ass that won’t stop! 2 minutes of talking about who’s buying, we just decide to skip the coffee and go back to his place.

Now I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I will say this… Take Out Guy like’s to receive his delivery’s in the rear.

 

[andymike]

Let a Jackson do it and everyone wants to jump on the bandwagon.

 

[andymike]

While looking around online, for porn mostly, I stumbled along one of the hottest men I have ever seen. His name was Dani Roth, and he is a model for hire. While admiring the goods this hottie has to offer, it made me start to think… Sex God or Sex Dud?

Anyone up for a weekend trip to Germany to find out?

Visit Dani Roth's site

 

[andymike]

This little guy is so CUTE! OMG! I had to share.

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/chatter.wmv

 

[andymike]

You know, this show looks like it has the making of the next gay camp classic. I was watching the TV Guide channel to see what I wanted to watch and I see a commercial for Showtime's first movie musical 'REEFER MADNESS'. It just so cute and campy until it could just be the new gay camp classic.

FYI, watch the trailers! lol their such fun!

Click Here To Watch The Trailers

 

[andymike]

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. (No wonder my house is so DUSTY! LOL!)

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Now you know everything there is to know. Of importance that is.

 

[andymike]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says,"Look, I' m not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan Just Do It.'

That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'" then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY..... 'Like a Rock!'" and gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

 

[andymike]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon notice that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity --applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User
(KEEP READING)

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment Program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM AND IS DESIGNED BY ITS Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support.


I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as CleanandSweep 3.0, CookIt 1.5 and DoBills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShort Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

 

[andymike]

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (More than once but less than 10.)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)...

3. Add 5. (For Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator...

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755. If you haven't, add 1754.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born...

You should have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week) The next two numbers are... YOUR AGE! (OH YES, IT IS!!!)









THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2005) IT WILL EVER WORK.

 

[andymike]

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... people ask, when they
learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church is A Redneck Church if ... when the pastor
says,"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys
and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if .... opening day of
deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't
never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if .. the choir is known as
the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... in a congregation of
500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if .. Baptism is referred to
as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... high notes on the
organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... people think
"rapture"is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the baptismal pool is
a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the choir robes were
donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the collection plates
are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... instead of a bell, you
are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the minister and his
wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if .. the communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... "Thou shalt not covet"
applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the final words of the
benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"