Angelus - Archived Blog Posts

[angelus]

So many of you who are reading this may remember the incident that I was involved in a month or so back. If you're not you can read the thread I started on thing, it's the, “I'm So Ashamed of Myself” thread or just check out this summary of the whole thing,

This was my original post on the topic:
Yesterday I did something that left me totally ashamed of myself. There's a little saga amongst my friends and myself in that I have acquired myself a secret admirer, he's been sending me e-mails for about a week now. Anyway the issue is that obviously as a secret admirer he won’t tell me who he is, so my friend and I have trying to figure out whom it is.

Now there's this one guy that I know has been totally infatuated by me for about 3mnths, as far as I can tell, and I've always felt kind of sorry for him because I know all too well from personal experience what it's like to be totally taken by someone that you can't have. Anyway in the quest to find my secret admirer my friends noticed that this guy is always staring at me, watching me, sitting near me etc. and he kinda became the butt of the joke, he'd even attempted to enter the conversation with us a couple of times.

Finally yesterday when I was going to the meeting of our tutorial group (which is like a focus group of about 15 people where we discuss the week’s lectures for a specific subject) who should be standing outside the door of the class but the guy in question and quite clearly he'd been waiting for me. I had no choice but to stop and speak to him. We spoke for about a minute and then as he began to go into the class expecting me to follow him in, I turned and went the other way and that's when I turned into a little , I called one of my friends who was on the way to that class and told him what had just happened. When I went into the class, the guy came and sat nearer to me but it gets sooooo worse. When my friends finally arrived in the class, we spent the entire 45mins laughing at him not straight at him but surreptitiously so. After about 5mins he moved away from us.

It gets even worse, in the lecture for that tutorial he came and sat right amongst my friends, the laughing was terrible and let me make it clear, I was one of the worst laughers. If there had been any doubt in his mind that we'd been laughing at him in the tutorial he was now certain, he immediately jumped up and moved far away from us. After about 15mins I realised what a total bastard I'd been. This kind of behaviour was not what I would ever have expected from myself. And the thing is my 'friends' haven't been my friends for long, I think its because of the fact that I've wanted to be friends with them that I didn't object to what they were doing so I did it to get TOTAL acceptance not partial, I got that but it wasn't that great, I was so ashamed of myself and what we'd done to this guy who probably had decided he just wanted to be friends with us. I wish there was a way that I could just apologise to him.


* * *

Following that initial post there were a lot of posts telling me what a total shit I’d been, which I had, I replied to them and decided to try make an apology, however that idea was cut short by an e-mail I received from my friend, Andrew, who told me to try bait Bryn, meaning I would go sit next to him and they would watch his reaction, as to whether he would go red in the face, start breathing heavily. That actually is a direct quote however I replied telling him that I couldn’t do that because it’s cruel and he’s cruel for wanting to do that. Then I made the mistake of suggesting that perhaps he was the secret admirer in that it was just an elaborate prank on his part. His reply was fast and angry, he told me that he had no time to be wasting doing something so dumb and that as far as he was concerned we weren’t friends any longer. However thanks to a lot of ‘diplomacy’ on my part, the standoff ended.

Anyway I just stopped updating about the whole because it just went crazy, let me explain.

The guy that my friends and I were so nasty to, Bryn, seems to as far as I can tell blame the whole thing on me. Wait let me not get ahead of myself, what has happened is that he now is friends with those friends of mine, in fact his biggest friend is the one guy who was the meanest to him, Andrew. You see I took some of the advice that I received from JUBbers and decided to distance myself from those friends as they were toxic.

However the 'mean' friend, that would be Andrew, and I are still pretty good friends. Anyway he and Bryn are now the best of friends, personally I've decided to let sleeping dogs lie, he only ever brought up the issue of what happened to my secret admirer in regards to Bryn once since they became friends. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't want to ask him as to how he can be friends to be somebody who he was so mean to because that would just make him angry all over again. Or worst of all he’ll just say that it was just a joke.

The most ironic thing about it is that, I have heard him on several occasions reffering to Bryn as a saint and to me that is just soooo ironic considering how much of a devil he was to him. Bryn, I beleive seems to have shifted the blame for the entire thing on me because he never, and I mean, NEVER, speaks to me. I've tried to start a couple of conversations with him(which is totally out of character with me because I always wait for people to speak to me) but they always end the same way; with him giving me a monosyllabic answer, truth be told I probably do deserve it.

The whole thing in fact is kind fascinating to me because I've never had someone give me the cold shoulder before, so the whole thing is kind of morbidly fascinating.
However as they say, on every dark cloud there's a silver lining, and my silver lining has been making new friends. I've started hanging out with a great bunch of people who just genuinely nice, a little crazy but really nice.

In fact I went out club crawling with them for the first time last weekend and we had a blast so at least I found my silver lining, and to top it all off, they know that I'm bisexual so I don't have to spend all my time hiding that from them, which makes life so much easier and I get to give opinions on guys I find hot and if I feel like being a bit of a queen, they make nothing of it.

Anyway I'll post regularly so check up and please leave comments, I enjoy them immensely.

 

[angelus]

Yesterday was one of the best days ever. Those new friends of mine and I went shopping, which was a blast and the evening ended up back at their place where were just planning on hanging out and watching a movie or something, that plan was cut short by the power going out. I feel that when your only light source is no longer electricity but only candles and wine is also liberally flowing, people start to open up.

That was shown when, Janice decided that we should play a game of ‘I have never…” it all started off really tame with stuff like, I have never gone bungee jumping but as the night progressed we really started to open up and speak about some serious and deep stuff. Anyway I told them things that I’ve only ever told my one best friend and stuff that I’ve never even told anyone. In fact I ended up falling asleep there but it was so great.

I guess the thing for me is that since I am such an intensely private person and I never tell people stuff about myself, in fact one of my motto’s is “Keep it light and fluffy!” and I live like that, on a superficial level, to actually be real and speak about actual stuff was so life changing. I’m not saying that from now on I’m going to throw out my old persona but I feel at least that last night gave me a chance to grow as a person.

Oh my God, I can’t that I of all people just used the term ‘grow as a person’ in relation to me. I’d better go before I renounce my love of money and stuff and pull out the crystals and start a chanting circle for peace.

*takes credit card and runs off to nearest store to shop up a storm*

 

[angelus]

I just woke up now, it’s 3:45AM and I was soooooo drunk. I can’t believe it I hate getting drunk to the point that I was at. I couldn’t stand walk, or do anything. I fell through a turnstile!! To top it all off, this was on a Sunday evening that I was planning to just do some work. Thanks to my debauchery I’m up and 4:38AM about to start working. So I’d better get going, there’s a lot to tell about last night and I never actually told you what happened on Friday so there’s still that to do and I have to finish the next chapter of The Meeting, so as you can hear I have tons of work so goodbye.

 

[angelus]

I know it has been ages since I last posted the story but I think the story is getting pretty intense at this point so enjoy .

 

[angelus]

I don’t even know how to start this post, so I guess let me just tell you straight up what happened. On Sunday night I indulged in a bit too much to drink and had a bit of weed, so if some people feel a little less that sympathetic I totally get it. There were two guys, one I know a bit and the other I’d seen around my residence but had never been that concerned with. The one that I didn’t know is in the house committee in my residence and the other is actually a sub-warden, which are positions of power and not just anybody gets those positions so I kind of felt safe with them. At first I’d planned a lazy Sunday evening for myself, I was going to have some me time, something that I rarely get and try shake away the cobwebs of the hangover I had from a crazy Saturday.



My plans were on track the entire day and I was really enjoying myself, then I decide to go outside to have a cigarette, that’s where all the trouble began. I had my cigarette and while I was sitting there these two guys come up to me to ask for cigarettes, I gave them some cigarettes and the next thing I know is that I’ve accepted an offer to go up to the one guys room for some drinks. We get to the room and one beer turns into two, which turns into three; I’m sure you know the story. Anyway during the course of the evening a group of girls join us (who saved my ass, and I mean that literally) and some point during the evening somebody pulls out a bag of weed. At this point, I was rather drunk already and we go out to the rugby fields, where it’s dark and we can smoke in peace.



Throughout the whole night, the two guys we were with kept on going on about, ‘this or that guy is hot blah blah." I didn’t actually think that they were gay; I just thought they were kidding around but as it turned out, I was wrong. (At this point, I have totally lost all confidence in my gaydar for not picking up all the ‘signs’).Anyway when we finally get back up to the room we were in, we had somehow lost the guy that I knew a bit. There I am sitting on this guys bed and the next thing I know he is on top of me, feeling me up, and when I say feeling me up I mean, FEELING ME UP, I just have this one memory of him thrusting his hands down my pants and grabbing my cock, then moving over to my ass, I haven’t felt like such a piece of meat in a long time. I had no wish to have sex with this guy because somewhere deep down in my mind I knew that having sex with someone you barely know, when you’re high and drunk is not a good idea, so at this point I decide that I need to get to my room and get to the safety of my bed. Mind you I’m thinking all these things while this guy had his hands down my pants and I’m busy trying to get out of his bed, squirming and saying no, as forcefully as a high person can.



I remember at one point I actually gave up and was thinking, let this guy do whatever the hell he wants to do to me and I can go. While all of this is happening those girls are in the room with us, somehow, I manage to slip out of his grip, and the one girl grabs me and pulls me out of the door. I just started running as fast as I could but he started chasing me. Finally, I got out to the parking lot and I hid behind a car. I could hear him looking for me and I was just terrified, for many reasons that stem from some stuff that happened to me as a kid and other times where I’ve found myself in similar situations, which was all just bubbling up right then. Thankfully, I got away from him and was able to get back to my room. When I woke up this morning I was hoping that I’d imagined the entire thing but when I was having lunch I ran into one of the girls that had helped me and when I asked her about it she told me that I hadn’t imagined it and strangely enough she apologised for his behaviour.

That was my “almost raped incident,’ and it made me realise something about myself, I’ve moved on from being willing to have sex with just about anybody. I’ve always had an attitude of I’ll take it whenever, and wherever I can get it from but now that’s over I want more than that. In fact I haven’t had sex with anybody for over three months which is the longest break I’ve had in two years. So I guess what I want is a relationship, I don’t even know how to go about meeting potential relationship guys, how to have a relationship, it’s a whole new ballgame to me. I think that deep down I’ve know this longer than I’ve been willing to admit it. It explains why all of a sudden out of the blue I decided to go get an HIV test, something I’d been meaning to do since February this year and had just never got round to or had been to busy to, as I always told myself. If in my mind I knew that I now wanted to get into a serious relationship, I’d want to make sure that I’m okay before I did that.


Partly I think the thing is that I’ve somehow managed to get people to see me in a sexual light only, I’ve never had someone come up to me and just try to get to know me without the agenda of sex being there. When I say someone come over I mean somebody with whom you realise that there’s a chance that something more than a mere conversation could happen between the two of you, if that feeling has been there, what happens is always sex and nothing else.

I think what led me to this realisation about myself was when this guy was ‘attacking’ me and something a friend of mine always says popped into my head. This isn’t an exact quotation but this is the general message of what she says, when something bad happens to you once, you can safely assume that its not your fault but when the same bad thing constantly happens to you, you must start thinking that maybe the problem lies with you, not with other people. She always says this in the context of people who get into bad relationships, and as what happened to me wasn’t the first time as I had been in similar situations before I think I can apply it to me. Although these guys aren’t ‘relationships’ they are the same type of guys, they feel that for some reason they can use me as their sex toy and that’s it.

Since my first sexual partner it has been that way, and I have to say it has never bothered me before as all I’ve wanted was sex but now it does as I want more than that. There’s no point really to this point of mine but I just needed someplace to rant and I thought what better place than my own blog.

 

[angelus]

Well boy was tonight an interesting night. I think that what happened to me on Sunday night is now beginning to spread around. An old friend of mine, one of the first friends that I had when I first arrived at university came to visit me tonight in my room. At first we were just talking about various normal things and then things took an interesting turn when she started talking about the free speech board in my residence.

This is a board that the house committee set up so people could debate certain topics and the latest thing that had happened this week was that one of the sub-wardens had outed himself on the board. During some or other post of his he’d posted, “’I’m black and I’m gay”. I obviously had known this since Sunday since the sub-warden in question was the one who had been there with us on Sunday night.

Now what happened was that this friend of mine just started speaking about the fact that some people didn’t believe that this Sub-Warden was actually gay as they stated that he just enjoyed receiving attention. The thing is this conversation then somehow (with her guidance) moved onto the guy who ‘attacked’ me, let’s call him Zee. She started speaking about how apparently rumour had it that Zee was attracted to another guy (this is the another guy who had been their with us on Sunday night, for a while, I can’t actually remember if he was still there when the ‘attack’ occurred), let’s call him Len.

As far as I know this is true as on Sunday night everybody had been joking about this. Anyway I told her that I knew that these two things were true and that she shouldn’t ask me as to how I knew these things. She then got me to say that I knew that Zee, Len and the Sub-Warden were drinking on Sunday night, how she got me to say this I do not know. At this point I realised that this was no ordinary visit but was rather an expedition to fish out some clarification on gossip.

Like any good gossip, she let off the topic for a while and we talked for a while, then all of a sudden, out of the blue she just asks in a “by-the-way” manner, “Did you say that you were with Zee and them on Sunday night?” I lied and said no, but she knows that I’m lying and if she has a little sense will know that I know she knows the truth. I was thinking about how she must’ve found it out and it makes perfect sense. She is good friends with Len’s best friend and if Len had witnessed the whole thing she definitely would’ve found out.

They certainly would’ve gone to speak to her as they know that at one point she and I were pretty close. Anyway after taking her back to her room I was pretty surprised just how much I wasn’t bothered by the fact that this story was making the rounds. In fact I was more concerned about Zee than I was about me, I don’t think his reputation needs be destroyed because of one stupid night. I frankly, very unlike me, just don’t care, to be truthful I find the whole situation to be very comical, that fact that somebody came to me to milk me for information. All of this is certainly turning out more interesting than I ever thought it would.

 

[angelus]

Well the title of the thread is pretty self-explanatory, I hope you enjoy!