Ok Mister, you just released a lot of problems at once. I'm just gonna focus on you being confused.
And oh, Welcome to JUB!
This sums up the first part of what I was going to post.
BiGDawGRTL said:
so like i said, i know the solution to this, just FUCKIN COME OUT! but if i really am gay then why is it so hard? am i just not far enough down the road yet? like i said, im just to the point that i realize that i am gay, thats a fact. now its like what do i do about it? be gay? keep living a lie to please other people? thats not me, i dont give a fuck about other people. but obviously i do... i just dont know what to do anymore.. all i know is that i think about T all the goddam time, i've never got off on str8 porn, and i'm too chicken shit to tell the truth....
On the issue of coming out.... the issue for BiGDawGRTL is not so much that you need a word like "gay" to define you. The issue is that you haven't gotten through that first stage of coming out. The first stage is accepting and loving yourself as the gay person that you are.
Everyone focuses on the second part of coming out- telling friends, family, coworkers, etc etc etc. The second part of coming out ain't worth a hill of beans if you don't get through the first part.
Focus on accepting yourself and liking yourself. Don't worry about other people- you've still got a lot of work you need to do on coming out to yourself.
The other issue here is the lack of emotional commitments in your life. You had a great fuckbuddy and you ended that because you didn't want a commitment. You are messaging people on Myspace that you don't really know because you have a crush on them. You have few real friends. You have a homophobic roommate.
I suspect all of these things really go back to how you feel about yourself? The lack of self-worth, the feelings of lack of directions, etc?
So, the issue is not whether you are gay (you know you are), it's not whether you should come out (you should)- the issue is that you aren't at a place in your life where you like who you are.
That's where you need to focus on getting your life together.
BiGDawGRTL said:
anyway, i tried to make excuses for it. that i wanted that person in my life because thats what i wish that i was. i wish i was that big confident mother fucker but i'm the opposite. i have no confidence, no self worth, no direction really. but recently i was starting to realize that the fact that i'm living a lie is the root of these problems. i started thinking like i was gay then things changed, i felt a lot better about myself. like i wasn't acting anymore. cause i wasnt. i remember i was going to the store and walking around all different. it felt good. i was starting to realize that i AM GAY, ITS OKAY, AND EVERYONE ELSE WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. That was just last week.
This paragraph shows that you are starting to "get it".
You cannot blame your issues on your past, your family, blah blah blah. Your issues are your issues. Own them. Do something about them.
