Another "straight" problem..

[jackh17]

so, I've been at uni for like a month now and have met a great guy whom I have developed a fairly close friendship with, only problem is, I like him a lot ... and know that he will never like me in the same way - I know that for a fact he's straight .
I really don't know how to stop falling for him, I have tried hanging around with him more in the hope that knowing him better will stifle my feelings after finding out his annoying habits/nuances and such, but all that's happened is that I've come to love these aspects of his personality/character. I've also tried to distance myself from him, but it's just not really feasible - we are coursemates and working on a project together. I'm under no illusion of him ever 'converting'/falling for me and have rationalised this to myself because I want to keep this friendship I have steadily come to realise that I think about, care and worry about him a lot, no matter how hard I try to focus on other things *sigh*. It doesn't help either that i'm 18 and have never been with a guy in any way, and this is the first time I have ever felt like this for anyone. I've read previous advice saying that you should go and hookup with other guys to forget, but I just can't do that - first of all, I have no sexual experience with guys whatsoever, so wouldn't be comfortable with the idea, and secondly, even if I weren't a virgin, I don't believe i'd be inclined to use sex as an answer anyway. I half know the replies/advice I'll get but this really was just a way for me to unbottle things without having to tell anyone (i'm not out...). sorry for clogging up forum space with this post.

 

[Sweetwater]

Hey jackh, I'm a college student as well. I've had a crush or two on some guy friends of mine. I was deeply into a guy I'm close to about a year ago, mostly because I thought he might be willing to "try stuff" with a guy, but our friendship never crossed that line so I just finally came to a place in my mind where I accepted that. I still have lingering feelings for him when we're together sometimes, but nothing like it used to be. You just have to learn how to manage it and time is the biggest thing that will help. The more time that passes, the better it will get. At least in my experience.

Hope that helps some.

-Sweetwater

 

[jensu846]

i am/was in the same boat as you & sweetwater, I have had a massive crush/borderline obsession with a straight friend of mine that I couldnt shake for years. It got real bad for me for a while, I was depressed, would obsess about him almost every minute, would go to the bar he worked at & sit there for hours talking with him..
We also had some mutual female friends & they would tell me how they hooked up with him last weekend or this weekend, etc, , Let me just say that, that almost killed me hearing those things. I told him about my feelings, tho he was nice about it, he was never gonna go for anything, so I finally had to (over time)convince myself that nothing was going to happen & to move on & find a gay guy.
I still see my friend, but the sting is gone now. & I am much happier mentally now for it. good luck!

 

[Echoes]

I think you should come to terms with yourself and get to know for sure whether you want to keep this friendship or not. Once you know that you can make a choice, either stay away from him and try to forget (it'll be hard but you'll eventually move on) or accept the fact that nothing will ever happen but you'd rather have him in your life as a friend than not having him at all.

wish you luck!

 

[slnattak]

Why can't you find other gay guys sexually attractive? And why does it have to a headgame/trauma for you just cause you're into somebody who can't like you back? It could just as easily happen with another gay man too.

But the first question is, why can't you find other gay men hot? There has to be SOME gay men that you find attractive. Maybe it's like Dan Savage said, you except all gay men to turn you on perfectly so when they of course don't, you get upset, and then in turn - hate them all. LoL idk it's so weird.

 

[UM3Gator]

so, I've been at uni for like a month now and have met a great guy whom I have developed a fairly close friendship with, only problem is, I like him a lot ... and know that he will never like me in the same way - I know that for a fact he's straight .
I really don't know how to stop falling for him, I have tried hanging around with him more in the hope that knowing him better will stifle my feelings after finding out his annoying habits/nuances and such, but all that's happened is that I've come to love these aspects of his personality/character. I've also tried to distance myself from him, but it's just not really feasible - we are coursemates and working on a project together. I'm under no illusion of him ever 'converting'/falling for me and have rationalised this to myself because I want to keep this friendship I have steadily come to realise that I think about, care and worry about him a lot, no matter how hard I try to focus on other things *sigh*. It doesn't help either that i'm 18 and have never been with a guy in any way, and this is the first time I have ever felt like this for anyone. I've read previous advice saying that you should go and hookup with other guys to forget, but I just can't do that - first of all, I have no sexual experience with guys whatsoever, so wouldn't be comfortable with the idea, and secondly, even if I weren't a virgin, I don't believe i'd be inclined to use sex as an answer anyway. I half know the replies/advice I'll get but this really was just a way for me to unbottle things without having to tell anyone (i'm not out...). sorry for clogging up forum space with this post.

Don't be sorry because you're venting about something.

If anyone ever gave the advice to "just go hook up with other guys to forget" I'd quickly forget that advice. That's a bad way out and has nothing to do with your situation or friend. You obviously have come to the realization that he's not going to ever feel the same way about you that you do towards him..You can't stop your heart from falling for him especially if you're going to continue being around him. You have to now decide if you really want him as a friend. Will it be enough to just be a friend? That will be tough to do for a while, believe me. It will hurt, but as time goes by and your heart totally comes to the realization that he's going to just be a friend, things could get easier for you. You said yourself it has only been a month...that isn't really a long time and who knows what is down the road.

In short, there is nothing to do to stop falling for him especially with him being your first crush. The only thing I can really say is to just enjoy being around him and try your best to be happy with what you have with him. He's still a friend...cherish the time with him and his friendship. Your heart will have to wait.

 

[KaraBulut]

. I've read previous advice saying that you should go and hookup with other guys to forget, but I just can't do that - first of all, I have no sexual experience with guys whatsoever, so wouldn't be comfortable with the idea, and secondly, even if I weren't a virgin, I don't believe i'd be inclined to use sex as an answer anyway.

The problem is that you've created a very narrow box and now you're trapped in it.

Something has to give here for this all to pass and for you to move on to a normal love life. While "hooking up" with other guys is one possible answer, the better option for you is to develop some friendships with other gay guys, meet gay/bi guys and date them. There's a lot of stops between going out and hotsweatybuttsex- part of the fun of it all is experimenting, exploring and trying new things.

These unrequited crushes are a combination of an attraction that you can't control and behaviors that you can control. You may not be able to change how you feel but you can change the time you spend hanging out with him and you make other friends and you can meet other guys who are interested in you.

You will be much happier if you focus on having a healthy relationship instead of hanging on to this "friendship" that is just preventing you from moving forward in life.

 

[jackh17]

Why can't you find other gay guys sexually attractive? And why does it have to a headgame/trauma for you just cause you're into somebody who can't like you back? It could just as easily happen with another gay man too.

But the first question is, why can't you find other gay men hot? There has to be SOME gay men that you find attractive. Maybe it's like Dan Savage said, you except all gay men to turn you on perfectly so when they of course don't, you get upset, and then in turn - hate them all. LoL idk it's so weird.

That was never an issue - I didn't set out to like him, it just so happens that I eventually came to like him. I wish I had the confidence to join the uni LGBT society but I just don't feel ready yet, otherwise I would look for other gay guys. I can't help who I like, gay or straight.

 

[treanir]

Crushing on straight guys... I think we've all been there - I know I have! Especially in the time when you're not out yet it's really easy to like straight for more than just friendship. It's good that you know that it will not happen, even if there is a tiiiiiny part of you that hopes it will (and let's be honest, that part is there, right?).

I think what you're going through is a more or less normal rite of passage for gay men. That doesn't make it less frustrating now, I know. At the moment I think all you can do is ride this crush out, wait for it to pass (because it will).

The LGBT society at your uni is filled with a bunch of college kids who are confident or scared or apprehensive or curious or anything in between. Like you, they want to get to know other LGBT people. This makes it a safe environment for you to go to. This too is a process. It may take some time before you're ready to take that step. And that's okay. Just know that it exists and when you're ready to step out of your comfort zone, do so. It will open your eyes and expand your life.

Good luck!

 

[jackh17]

Of course there's a part of me that hopes it will... a huge part, but I won't let this hope dominate me. I know the best way forward is to probably cut contact etc but it really is physically impossible - I literally spend every waking hour with him. We are on the same course, hence we go to the same lectures and are even in the same tutor groups. We're also both on the uni ski & snowboard team and the polo team, so train together most evenings. We also share the same interests so go to the same societies and their socials. oh, and we're in the same halls and the same flat. There really is no escape

 

[Reconfusvdo27]

Being a person with few close friends i would advice you not to avoid him. Especially if you want to keep his friendship because he will just think you got mad at him. Like everyone else said time will fix everything. IN the mean time i would say that you should focus your sexual energy on somebody else who it won't be a problem with. Find the next hottest guy and crush on him or a gay guy to crush on. This situation is my worst night mare and hope it works out for you.

 

[rareboy]

The best way to kill a crush is to have him stamp on your feelings.

An easier way is to force yourself to take your eyes off of him and get out and meet other people.

You are using him as a safe reason why you aren't making other friends or getting laid.

I know because I did this in first year uni too.

And my crush did just that to my feelings and I realized that it had been totally unfair for me to be glommed onto some guy that was going to find a girlfriend and would never ever feel the same about me as I felt about him.

And it worked. I forced myself to connect with others in clubs and bars and restaurants and my own life opened up.

 

[fetaby]

If you don't feel comfortable joining the GSA or whatever your local LGBT group is called, just find out when the meeting is and then make sure you're outside after it's over. You'll see who's attended as they exit. Then you can approach a knowing and friendly person to help get your issues settled.

The time you have now is easy lost, make the most of it. And chasing after your friend is barking up the wrong tree. It's also an easy out to keep from having to pursue something that might actually work. And if something works, you'd eventually out yourself to somebody, is that something you want? I don't know, but I can say it's not so bad.

 

[jackh17]

Thanks for all the advice.. I'd like to point out though, that I'm not chasing him. I know that he will never feel the same way - this was never the issue. The issue is that i'm attracted to him and don't know how to stop this attraction

 

[fetaby]

I'm sorry if I upset you by suggesting you were pursuing him. To answer your question about attractions, the only thing you can do is be attracted to him... But on top of knowing that he'll never feel the same way, you've got to know that he'll never be more than a friend.

Blah, anyway, you can't stop an attraction, as gay men we know if there's one thing we don't have control over it is our attractions.

What we can do is decide how we are going to behave in relation to our attractions.

Being this guys friend and feeling that tingle in your ball sack isn't a bad thing. But not reaching out to possibly available people and focusing your attention on this guy instead seems to be the opposite of what you say you want to do.

 

[jackh17]

Thanks for the advice guys....
Update: we were both very very drunk last night at a ski social and during a game of dares, we were dared to kiss. It wasn't anything passionate - just a quick touch of the lips. As good as that felt, it killed me knowing that he didn't get what I got out of it. I have tried to distance myself guys, but I really can't. Our friendship group is the same. I can't just leave Next year, we're also going to be in a flat together. I really dont know what to do, I suppose I'll just have to let this crush thing kill me until it goes away. Horrible thing is that I think my feelings for him have gone beyond crush

 

[Lube]

Was everyone dared to kiss, or just you two? Who made the dare? Have your friends figured out that you're in love with him? Maybe they're trying to pull you out of the closet.

Just come out. You're in college for gods sakes. It'll never be easier than now.

That won't solve your immediate problem, but it will let you start living your life in an honest way. I think your friends know already.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK. Here's the deal. You aren't doing anything to make your situation better. Yes you can get away from him, yes you can go find other gay guys to hang out with. You just won't.

That's the choice you're making. You are deciding to wallow in your angst fest and bemoan your fate.

Until you decide to change things, nothing we say means a damn.

So, how much do you really want to fix this, or are you enjoying this drama too much? Is this drama the entire point? How much of your life do you plan to waste on this? Frankly I'm suspicious, why would you go live with him knowing the torment your gentle heat is going to suffer? Why would you do that to yourself?

You can post update after update filled with theatrical statements of doom and cruel unobtainable yearning. You can tell us all about your heart rending tender, impossible feelings, but none of that means a damn either.

If you really want to stop this, you have to do something. This is called self control. Start practicing it.

If you won't, no one can help, and frankly that's a choice You make, not vindictive inescapable fate.

 

[jackh17]

Was everyone dared to kiss, or just you two? Who made the dare? Have your friends figured out that you're in love with him? Maybe they're trying to pull you out of the closet.

Just come out. You're in college for gods sakes. It'll never be easier than now.

That won't solve your immediate problem, but it will let you start living your life in an honest way. I think your friends know already.

Yeah it was a drinking game so pretty much everyone had to kiss someone whether it was someone of the same sex or otherwise. And no, none of my friends know. I want to come out but it's easier said than done.

 

[jackh17]

OK. Here's the deal. You aren't doing anything to make your situation better. Yes you can get away from him, yes you can go find other gay guys to hang out with. You just won't.

That's the choice you're making. You are deciding to wallow in your angst fest and bemoan your fate.

Until you decide to change things, nothing we say means a damn.

So, how much do you really want to fix this, or are you enjoying this drama too much? Is this drama the entire point? How much of your life do you plan to waste on this? Frankly I'm suspicious, why would you go live with him knowing the torment your gentle heat is going to suffer? Why would you do that to yourself?

You can post update after update filled with theatrical statements of doom and cruel unobtainable yearning. You can tell us all about your heart rending tender, impossible feelings, but none of that means a damn either.

If you really want to stop this, you have to do something. This is called self control. Start practicing it.

If you won't, no one can help, and frankly that's a choice You make, not vindictive inescapable fate.

I cant just opt of not being in the flat, citing him as a reason why - It would make things really awkward with the rest of my friends .. and i'm not yet ready to tell anyone that i'm gay.. which complicates things even further. I don't want to freak him out either, I would ideally like to keep him as a friend because we're both really close. My friendship group at uni is a relatively small one too - 7 of us and we do virtually everything together, hence we have found a 7 room house share. If I decide to not join them, I really dont have any other accomadation options for my second year. If I had a larger friendship group, I would be most eager to move with other friends, but I dont. Also, since the first post, I have been to anonymous lgbt group meetings and have met loads of other gay/bi guys so I am trying my hardest to refocus my attention and have even met up with a few guys, but nothing I do will quash these feelings for him. I know that this will make the situation worse, but as per my OP, i'm just using this to let off steam, not really seeking advice.. I know that I'll just have to get over him eventually.