Another "straight" problem..

[TX-Beau]

Well there you are then, your situation is hopeless and you’re doomed to suffer in silence.

There are always options; it’s just a question of how hard you’re willing to push to find them.

Welcome to being an adult. We all have feelings, we all have fallen for the unobtainable guy, but you know what, you have to decide if you’re going to give up and surrender to that.

You’re making excuses for why you can’t do what you don’t want to do, and that’s distance yourself from this guy. You’re not going to get over this if you try and be his best friend, all the while longing in the dark. You’re not going to get over this by claiming your feelings are just too powerful to control. We all have to decide what feelings we’re going to run with, and which we have to manage.

What you’re going through is incredibly common. I doubt you’ll find many gay guys anywhere who haven’t gone through this and for all of us, sticking around and bemoaning our fates did nothing to resolve the situation.

So again, how much of your life are you willing to waste on this? How much do you want a resolution?

And you know what, walking away is not easy, but that’s what growing up is about.

 

[TX-Beau]

Plus, I suspect that you, like tons of closeted guys before you, are using this crush as a means of avoiding dealing with a bunch of coming out issues.

After all, if you are so in love with this guy you know you can't have, you have a reason not to put yourself out there in any kind of real way. Your love is so overpowering you can't possibly control it.

It's perfectly safe, you get all the romance of Shakespearean tragedy, and you don't have to tell anyone you're gay, you don't have to face possible rejection, it doesn't involve a real guy.

You know, I do sympathize with you, but frankly, I don't think that sympathy is going to do you any good. I don't think that anything anyone says in here is going to do you any good.

I think you will pursue your present course, until you do something foolish, like tell him, and he really crushes you.

 

[Lube]

Yeah it was a drinking game so pretty much everyone had to kiss someone whether it was someone of the same sex or otherwise. And no, none of my friends know. I want to come out but it's easier said than done.

Thanks for the details on the kissing event. So yeah, there's nothing in this game that singles you out as gay.

Although I have to wonder who chose this game, and if there's a little gay overtone to it?

It's never easy to come out. Is there anything specific preventing you from coming out?

 

[Comtemplation]

Figure out if you want to remain friends because you do truly see him as just a friend, and not because you want him. Chances are its a mix of both since after all, you did become friends with him first before feelings came into the picture. Basically, try to figure out where he really stands as just a friend, and then from there take your time to slowly emotionally detach yourself from him.

But really, you have to realize that you can't feel like this forever, and that you are wasting your time feeling down in the dumps about the situation while you could be potentially branching out, meeting like individuals, and finding someone that can and will mutually share that intimate bond with. And convince yourself that what you're doing is foolish. Not having feelings for a straight guy, but to cling onto hopeless feelings that will do nothing but make you depressed.

Do not lose hope or sight of the end of the tunnel. I've recently been through a similar situation, and while I had to hit rock bottom before things started to look better, there is and end to this.

If all fails, you could (and don't take this seriously) always come out to him, and if he freaks out, well you may feel like crap for a bit, but at least you know his true colours. Though if you really do feel a strong friendship between you two, coming out to him (and leaving it at just that) and him being fine with it just reaffirms that he is a friend worth toughing through this for. Realize that unless the area you're living at is fiercely against LGBT, you shouldn't feel threatened or scared to be open about your sexuality. And yes, coming out is intimidating, but it's also probably the most liberating thing to do. Just make sure you're safe and surrounded by supportive people, whether it be friends, peers, family, or a support group.

 

[jackh17]

Thanks for the details on the kissing event. So yeah, there's nothing in this game that singles you out as gay.

Although I have to wonder who chose this game, and if there's a little gay overtone to it?

It's never easy to come out. Is there anything specific preventing you from coming out?

It's pretty much a typical british drinking game. Kind of like spin the bottle - it may sound weird that straight guys are willing to do this kind of thing, but there was a thread a few days ago that talked about straight guys who act gay etc - these guys are basically like that, they're completely straight, just sure of their sexuality. What's preventing me from coming out is the conservative background I come from - my friends reflect this background too - i'm not sure how they'd react, let alone my family to me being gay. They're not explicityly homophobic, but I know that things friendship wise won't ever be the same again in the group between I and them. I'm just not ready to take that risk of coming out at uni and my family finding out - im pretty much financially independent upon my parents. I know this sounds weird because you're probably asking the chances of that happening - my friends at uni all hang around in the same social circle so we all have mutual friends outside of uni etc even though we've only just met at uni, so news would spread pretty quickly. Although I've come to terms with the fact that I'm gay and nothing will change that no matter how hard I try, I'm only half way through the process of accepting my sexuality. I'm just not in the place right now to come out. The cons outweigh the benefits at this point in my life, though I know that I can't be closeted forever. I just think it would be safer for me to do so once financially independent.

 

[Comtemplation]

Ideally, if these are people you can trust, you can come out to them and not worry about the news spreading if you explicitly state you don't want others to know. After all, unless you say it's okay, it really isn't their business to be outing you to the world.

Do you have any other super close friend(s) or siblings outside this circle that you can confide in? Internalizing this kind of stuff isn't healthy.

And what makes you think coming out to them will affect the friendship in a way that things won't be the same again, for better or for worse? Certainly some things will change, but IMO if these aren't people you think can accept you for who you really are, maybe they aren't as great of friends as you think.

If things do get out of hand, go see your school councilors. They're there for a reason. As trapped as you may feel you are, there are ways out of it.

 

[Lube]

It's pretty much a typical british drinking game. Kind of like spin the bottle - it may sound weird that straight guys are willing to do this kind of thing, but there was a thread a few days ago that talked about straight guys who act gay etc - these guys are basically like that, they're completely straight, just sure of their sexuality. What's preventing me from coming out is the conservative background I come from - my friends reflect this background too - i'm not sure how they'd react, let alone my family to me being gay. They're not explicityly homophobic, but I know that things friendship wise won't ever be the same again in the group between I and them. I'm just not ready to take that risk of coming out at uni and my family finding out - im pretty much financially independent upon my parents. I know this sounds weird because you're probably asking the chances of that happening - my friends at uni all hang around in the same social circle so we all have mutual friends outside of uni etc even though we've only just met at uni, so news would spread pretty quickly. Although I've come to terms with the fact that I'm gay and nothing will change that no matter how hard I try, I'm only half way through the process of accepting my sexuality. I'm just not in the place right now to come out. The cons outweigh the benefits at this point in my life, though I know that I can't be closeted forever. I just think it would be safer for me to do so once financially independent.

Well, don't fall into Only Gay in the Village Sydrome. If you have more than 5 friends, I'd wager at least one is a closeted guy like you. Mark my words.

And what do you mean by "conservative background"? Do they go around trashing minorities, gays, immigrants and women, even if just amongst themselves? Are you comfortable with that? Are those good friends?

I totally get that you are not comfortable yet being gay. It's not a great idea to come out in a wishy washy manner. Just don't spend your whole life telling yourself it'll be easier next year, because it's not.

The longer you live the lie as an adult, the more expectations you build up in the minds of friends & family, and the sillier you look when you do come out because you've been lying for so long.

Trust me, I know. I came out of denial in my 40's.