Anti-gay without being homophobic or 'hating myself.' Anybody else understand this?

[slnattak]

I have an issue. I am only attracted to closeted guys. Not necessarily 'straight guys' but just the whole gay label thing.

Basically I am against the gay label. It's not about feminine or masculine, as I actually am turned on by a guy that's a bit girly.

If a cute guy walks over to me and says "I'm Brad"... my head can flood instantly with romantic thoughts and pleasant ideals.

But if he says "Hi I'm Brad, and I'm gay" then I'm like ewww.

This is because gay for me as always been something negative. No ifs ands or buts. It's just how I was raised and the area I grew up in. It was something that other people made fun of people for.

Then a narcissistic drag queen on tv, will say in a condescending voice "Well you just need to love yourself and accept yourself, and not worry about what they say." And then the audience will clap like we're on Oprah.

However that's because they don't really want to deal with the issue and just want to drink expensive wine.

I don't think I could ever get over this, as it's just the community and world I was brought up with.

They will also say:

"you are ashamed of being gay"

I'm not ashamed of my same sex attractions or guys being homoerotic with each other, but yes I am 'ashamed of being gay.'

"You are ashamed of feminine guys and your own feminine inside yourself"

No actually, if anything it's the opposite. I prefer guys who are a little girly. It's the GAY thing that I can't connect with- not a feminine thing. A lot of "straight" guys have a girliness to them that's incredible attractive.

"You hate gays then. You're just a hater"

The issue isn't that I hate gays or the gay thing because I don't. It's I can't romantically or sexually associate myself with 'gay.' Gay is just either something other people mock, or a flamboyant urban lifestyle. It has nothing to do with anything that I myself could actually enjoy deeply.

I put it this way, straight women aren't turned on by gay guys they view them more as their buddies they go shopping with. There's no depth to them, they still prefer straight men for their deep intimate/sexual relationship. So why would I view gay men any different, just because I myself am same-sex attracted?

"You grew up in an overly religious and strict environment."

No. Both of my parents are quite liberal and open-minded. But to be fair, they were a little too strict.

 

[anchihiro]

Erm....oh?

What do you want me to say. Well firstly some women are turned on by gay guys and gay porn.
There's no depth to whom? Women? Is that what you meant?

My first judgement of you would be that you must be some 18 year old still coming to terms etc. But i see you've been on Jub since 2004.
However some people take longer than others and you do come across as someone with hangups on gay people. It seems abit weak willed and influenced by some negative perception via homophobic people especially when you class gay as a lifestyle.

I honestly don't know what you expected with this one. But it wouldn't surprise me if there's some other jubbers with some more harsh words to say after they've read your view on expressing being gay as a bad point.

 

[cliffdweller]

The older I get, the less patience I have with this kind of thing. Suffice it to say, you've got issues. But you know what? It's not my problem. You don't like gays who are out, and I don't like closet cases. No reason for us to associate.

 

[MoltenRock III]

The older I get, the less patience I have with this kind of thing. Suffice it to say, you've got issues. But you know what? It's not my problem. You don't like gays who are out, and I don't like closet cases. No reason for us to associate.

Pretty much sums it up for me.

To the OP, get help or stay miserable, the choice is yours.

 

[slnattak]

I think the only people that are 'weak-willed' and 'vulnerable' are those that insist on making the weak strong, on changing a word that means something negative into something positive, on somebody that just can't accept the nature of things.

Of course if I'm weak, and I hate myself- then I have no arguement right? I have nothing substantial to say, and so it must be my entire fault. What an easy way to write me off when I actually have the most correct point.

"Self-loathing gay guys" (as people so condescendingly call them) don't hate themselves. They just don't get turned on when people say how gay they are. They're not attracted to straight guys, they're just attracted to men period. And common sense.

Why can't we just man up and stop using the word 'gay?' like it means some positive self-identity. <3

Well firstly some women are turned on by gay guys and gay porn.

I guess you have a point. Although straight male throat fuck porn will ALWAYS be hotter than gay porn, EVEN GAY MALE PORN ACTORS THEMSELVES HAVE ADMITTED THIS. AND THEY DO GAY PORN.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, a ton of your disclaimers are bunk. You even know that, it's why you stuck them in there.

There is no mystery, you have internalized your homophobia, don't want to be associated with "gay," because that's unacceptable in your head, and have decided to play this game with yourself where you aren't homophobic, it's just the "gay," that you have an issue with.

If you immediately have some kind of "ewwww," reaction to men who are gay - well that kind of speaks for itself. You want to fuck guys, but only if they lie about who they are.

Uh uh. You're trying to run away from your own negative opinions of gay men by pretending that's not the problem.

You're not unique, being able to admit you like men is not the same thing as accepting it.

Good luck with that.

 

[slnattak]

I guess that's my point in a nutshell:

there's nothing wrong with being gay.

It's just, being straight is so much better.

Get it?

so *that's* why you see so many "gay" guys , wanting to be with "straight" guys.

 

[TX-Beau]

Why do we have to "change" the word? Why?

Because you want to bow to a bunch of haters who hate you anyway no matter what you call yourself and will actually despise you more for cowering in the dark desperately trying not to be what you are.

You think they care what you call yourself?

They don't. To all the haters you are a cock sucking faggot just like the rest of us no matter what games you play with yourself in your head.

That is life, and if we all decided to call ourselves George tomorrow, they'd hate you just as much as they did yesterday when you were just gay.

 

[slnattak]

To the OP, get help or stay miserable, the choice is yours.

Are you projecting? I don't need help. I need to help others. Which is what I'm trying to do now but you guys aren't having it, because you're too stubborn to admit that you are actually wrong.

Nice try. But I'm not going to fall for it.

And I'm not miserable. I'm actually getting over my depression. You don't read people's feelings very well.

I might have been too negative or harsh with gay guys. I guess I do this because part of me wants to find gay men just as sexy as straight guys but I just think that is psychologically impossible. And nothing to do with hating myself. Really , I have to work on accepting other people more.

 

[TX-Beau]

Gay guys want to be with hot guys, most of us don't want straight guys outside of fantasy.

Gay guys who won't date gay guys because they are gay have self loathing issues, that's fact as well.

 

[TX-Beau]

I might have been too negative or harsh with gay guys. I guess I do this because part of me wants to find gay men just as sexy as straight guys but I just think that is psychologically impossible. And nothing to do with hating myself. Really , I have to work on accepting other people more.

Yes it is something to do with hating yourself.

Why you think you are unique with your sentiments is mind boggling, enough of us have been there and seen that that it's kind of cliche really - and it's also why we recognize the bullshit when we see it.

 

[slnattak]

They don't. To all the haters you are a cock sucking faggot just like the rest of us no matter what games you play with yourself in your head.

That is life, and if we all decided to call ourselves George tomorrow, they'd hat you just as much as they did yesterday when you were just gay.

TX-Beau...

Hmm. You actually are right. I think. If I said I was straight but they still found out I liked to fuck guys, then they would still think it was something inferior.

I'm sorry if I sounded angry. Do you forgive me?

I myself said it was an issue, and it was my problem, I just am too smart to fall for typical politically correct platitudes.

I didn't mean to come across as defensive, but if anybody said that I just needed to love myself- i know it wouldn't be this simple. I am trying to love myself, I really want to be able to be attracted to an openly gay guy. But I just can't right now, so that's why i asked for good advice. No matter how much self-confidence I acquire. I could be the most self-confident person in the world and I still would think these same thoughts. I just can't wrap 'being gay' as something positive in my head.

 

[swerve]

Either your emotions are a jumbled mess right now...

Or...

You are having difficulty expressing them...

What I'm reading doesn't make any sense...

 

[nfgrls]

I guess that's my point in a nutshell:

there's nothing wrong with being gay.

It's just, being straight is so much better.

Get it?

so *that's* why you see so many "gay" guys , wanting to be with "straight" guys.

nope don't see it. It's so much better being GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY

and for gay guys wanting to get with straigh guys many see that as a conquest that they brought a straight guy to our side. not like the straight man made you his woman for the night.

 

[TX-Beau]

I didn't mean to come across as defensive, but if anybody said that I just needed to love myself- i know it wouldn't be this simple. I am trying to love myself, I really want to be able to be attracted to an openly gay guy. But I just can't right now, so that's why i asked for good advice. No matter how much self-confidence I acquire. I could be the most self-confident person in the world and I still would think these same thoughts. I just can't wrap 'being gay' as something positive in my head.

Coming out is a process, not an event. It takes years usually to accept yourself and purge your head of all the fear and shame the haters put in there. I guarantee you just about every guy who was in the closet went through the phase where they could admit that they liked men, but didn't want to be associated with "gay." That's incredibly common.

Where do you think "straight acting/straight appearing," came from?

If it's any consolation, it will fade with time, and exposure to a lot of real gay men who are fine with their gayness and don't resemble the ideas you have in your head.

 

[slnattak]

hmm.... no. Being gay is great, but being straight always one-ups the gay thing for many reasons .That's what its like in my own head, and i don't know how to change my brain.

I am so insecure about this, and the idea of going to a gay bar and asying im gay or a gay event is too terrifying, every therapist i said said i should do that though, but all i can think of is how hot str8 throat fuck porn is compared to politically correct gay homoerotic shit.

I guess I do feel poorly about myself, since I am gay myself but I feel these same things about other gay people. But straight guys are just so RAWWWR.

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, all I can say is I pity OP. He is both homophobic, and in denial of that. There is nothing more disappointing to me than a homophobic gay person. I know some, and they are always semi-disgusting emotionally.

Also, "that's how I was brought up"? Seriously? Well, news flash - we ALL grew up and were brought up in straight societies. It's our ability to change our views, to evolve, that actually determine how we deal with having an unorthodox orientation. Not where we grew up.

 

[TX-Beau]

... but being straight always one-ups the gay thing for many reasons...

Enlighten us.

 

[Rolyo85]

Oh yes, please do. Cause personally, I think outside the whole social stigma thing, being gay is actually a LOT cooler than being straight.

I would never switch, if they invented a "cure" tomorrow...

 

[TX-Beau]

Also, "that's how I was brought up"? Seriously? Well, news flash - we ALL grew up and were brought up in straight societies. It's our ability to change our views, to evolve, that actually determine how we deal with having an unorthodox orientation. Not where we grew up.

Yeah, it's always kind of annoying when homophobic gay men pretend to themselves that their 'phobic families are the reason they can't change.

I grew up in BFE Texas from a devout Southern Baptist family. I'll pit my 'phobic relatives against anyone's and yet I managed to work through those issues and accept myself - and I'm certainly not alone.