Anxiety is affecting my relationship. Anyone in the same boat?

[Danny]

I want to begin by saying that I am not being a jealous boyfriend. I am not "crazy". I suffer from anxiety. I've been on medication for it, in the past, but I feel as though it turns me into a zombie and I have no idea what the long-term side effects are. However, recently I've been wondering if I need to get back on it.

I'm posting because today my anxiety is eating me alive. I'll tell you guys why - I'm in a committed monogamous relationship with a man I absolutely in love with. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and there's no doubt in my mind about that. He tells me that he feels the same way.

Well, he's currently away on a business trip for a week. Last time he went away on a business trip, he had a "slip up". No, he didn't sleep with anyone. He didn't physically "cheat". However, i found that while he was away, an old hookup texted him and they had a conversation about their past sexual encounters, and exchanged a few nude photos. I was ballistic. I'd never felt so hurt and betrayed. I know, it wasn't a physical encounter, but I still thought that it was incredibly disrespectful. The thing is that I come from a entirely different past than my boyfriend has. I've been with a handful of guys, whereas he's been with probably hundreds. I know, this is common in the gay community, so I don't judge him for it. But it does sort of make me worry that one day one partner won't be enough for him. His justification in this instance was that in his past relationships, and in lots of gay relationships, those types of conversations are normal and that we just have different ideas on what is acceptable and what isn't. However, when he saw how much it hurt me, and that i found it unacceptable, he vowed to never do it again. He has told me that if he has to tell me every single day that the past is the past and this is who he is, now, he will. He's given me his passcode to his phone and permission to look at anything and everything in his phone anytime I want to.

That being said...again, he's on a business trip again right now. In the same place where he was when the other incidence occurred. My anxiety has got my stomach in knots. I have no appetite. I couldn't even do my work, yesterday. If I see that he hasn't responded to a text of mine, but has logged onto his Facebook, I start to wonder why he is getting onto Facebook so often, and if he is chatting with guys, and why he isn't responding to my texts. This fear comes because when checking his phone, I've seen in his Facebook messages that past hookups have continued to message him, knowing he is in a relationship. Of course, he tells them that he's in a relationship. I will admit that it bothers me that he's still friends with these people on Facebook, but he's also friends with them in real life...so...I'm not sure where the line is drawn, there.

So, does anyone else suffer from anxiety? Can you guys knock some sense into me?

 

[rareboy]

This probably should be in Coming Out and Relationships.

Get the fuck over it.

If he's going to cheat, you aren't going to stop him.

What you have to do is figure out how you are going to react.

Are you going to leave him?

Are you going to forgive him?

Figure the answer out to these questions and you will chill out.

But I guarantee that your jealous behaviour is going to destroy you and your relationship.

Seriously.

I guarantee it.

 

[Danny]

This probably should be in Coming Out and Relationships.

Get the fuck over it.

If he's going to cheat, you aren't going to stop him.

What you have to do is figure out how you are going to react.

Are you going to leave him?

Are you going to forgive him?

Figure the answer out to these questions and you will chill out.

But I guarantee that your jealous behaviour is going to destroy you and your relationship.

Seriously.

I guarantee it.

I think you completely missed the point of my post. This is not jealousy. I suffer from an actual condition called anxiety. Jealousy is not a medical condition. But...thanks?

 

[KaraBulut]

I think you completely missed the point of my post. This is not jealousy. I suffer from an actual condition called anxiety. Jealousy is not a medical condition. But...thanks?

In his indelicate way, rareboy is trying to tell you than anxiety is the symptom but in fact jealousy is the problem.

It is true that anxiety is blowing the situation out proportion to the severity of the event. Until you deal with the jealousy and your own insecurities, no anxiety medication will be able to fix this. It's something that can put a big wall between you and your boyfriend if you don't take action to get your response under control.

The problem with anxiety medication is that it doesn't address how you respond and react to situations like this that are the source of anxiety. This type of issue is best addressed either with cognitive-behavioral therapy or with therapies that focus upon mindfulness.

 

[rareboy]

I think you completely missed the point of my post. This is not jealousy. I suffer from an actual condition called anxiety. Jealousy is not a medical condition. But...thanks?

You wanted sense knocked into you? That was it.

And Kara has put it much more elegantly.

But honestly, if you don't work to eliminate the root causes of your anxiety, then you are going to be a total mess.

If you think you have a neuro-chemical imbalance that is the underlying cause of your anxiety and that this feeds your jealousy, then see your doctor.

What it sounds like though is that you want us to validate your anxiety and jealousy and maybe was disappointed that that wasn't the first response that you got.

I would say that the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to sit down with a professional counsellor and learn how to deal with insecurity and jealousy.

 

[rareboy]

What it sounds like though is that you want us to validate your anxiety and jealousy and maybe were disappointed that that wasn't the first response that you got.

Don't know what happened there.

 

[Danny]

You wanted sense knocked into you? That was it.

And Kara has put it much more elegantly.

But honestly, if you don't work to eliminate the root causes of your anxiety, then you are going to be a total mess.

If you think you have a neuro-chemical imbalance that is the underlying cause of your anxiety and that this feeds your jealousy, then see your doctor.

What it sounds like though is that you want us to validate your anxiety and jealousy and maybe was disappointed that that wasn't the first response that you got.

I would say that the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to sit down with a professional counsellor and learn how to deal with insecurity and jealousy.

I truly hope you don't have any friends or family members who suffer from anxiety/depression who decide to come to you to talk them off a ledge. A professional counselor does not assist with jealousy and insecurity. Those are personal traits...character flaws. I have anxiety. I have also suffered from depression and have attempted suicide at the young age of 15. I came to this forum because normally, gays know what these things feel like, and can help a fellow gay with their own past experiences, or just cheering them up or getting them out of a slump. What you are doing is, quite frankly, being an asshole. There is no need for you to continue commenting. Have a good evening.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

Rareboy and KaraBulut both gave you good advice, one in tough language, the other in gentler terms. But both saying the same thing.

You reject the advice. What do you want to hear then? Do you want us to cure your anxiety? Do you want us to convince you that your lover is not doing anything improper? Do you want to deny your nisecurity and hear us tell you that you have no reason to be jealous or insecure?

You are trying to separate jealousy and insecurity from anxiety, but I see them as entwined in your case here and it seems folly to me to try to separate them.

But when advice is too painful to accept, a person's solution is to reject its validity and to seek different advice from others which is easier to accept.

 

[Telstra]

You can't stop your partner from chatting to anyone.
You can't stop your partner from having sex with anyone.
You can get him to tell you the truth and you decide what you want in a relationship.

I know quite a few gay couples going to bathhouse together and sometimes separately and they are having an open relationship.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

Another thought: is "anxiety" just another word for "fear"? Are you afraid of what might be happening, even though you have no proof of its happening now?

That is what makes me think that insecurity is the root of your problem. And to diminish insecurity you need professional help, not us and not medication.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

You can't stop your partner from chatting to anyone.
You can't stop your partner from having sex with anyone.
You can get him to tell you the truth and you decide what you want in a relationship.
.

Oh, Telstra! The OP is beset by what has been diagnosed as "anxiety complex" (what I see as fear and insecurity). That being the case, why is he going to believe what his lover tells him? Your solution is no solution. His anxiety undermines his ability to trust.

 

[eastofeden]

I had anxiety alot when I was younger...not so much anymore....and as you asked for someone to knock some sense into you...you shouldn't really bite them when they do it.

I would suggest actually listening to the advice given instead of getting defensive about it. You started a similar thread a few months ago. Did anything in that thread help you? I ask because you never returned to comment...and that sends a message of sorts...

One of the nicest things anyone ever did for me was to verbally kick my ass and tell me the truth..I am forever grateful to that guy..he died many years ago...and I am glad that I thanked him instead of kicking him in the balls when I had the chance....

 

[tarallucci]

We need to learn to expect everything and thus be able to face and overcome the consequences. I know it's easier said than done since you are suffering thinking your partner may be cheating on you and that this is like saying don't worry when you actually cannot do otherwise, but you need to take care of yourself as well.

Obsessing with it only makes things worse. Something I've learned is that nothing and no one is really ours. Relationships can end and betrayals are not necessarily the cause, even if it's frequent. Once that happens it surely hurts but... it's simply not the end of the world. Our life is worth more than being sad and sorry forever, and we can always start again.

With that said, there seems to be a good dialogue between you two so you should try a different, more relaxed approach about your worry. You can talk to your partner about whether he is satisfied with your sexual life. The more he sees you anxious the more he will not be honest, just to make you suffer less...

I hope this helps somehow. Cheer up Danny

 

[rareboy]

I truly hope you don't have any friends or family members who suffer from anxiety/depression who decide to come to you to talk them off a ledge. A professional counselor does not assist with jealousy and insecurity. Those are personal traits...character flaws. I have anxiety. I have also suffered from depression and have attempted suicide at the young age of 15. I came to this forum because normally, gays know what these things feel like, and can help a fellow gay with their own past experiences, or just cheering them up or getting them out of a slump. What you are doing is, quite frankly, being an asshole. There is no need for you to continue commenting. Have a good evening.

You wanted to be cheered up but asked people to 'knock some sense' into you. You want people to use their own experiences to help you but apparently dismiss the possibility that they are.

Jealousy and insecurity are not personal traits or character flaws that you can do nothing about.

A professional therapist can help you get to the root of your jealousy and insecurity, which, I suspect, goes all the way back to infancy and early childhood development. But it appears that rather than confronting and dealing with the causes of your anxieties, you want to hang onto them.

If you just want to deal with the symptoms of anxiety, then you need to get a stronger Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor.

 

[rareboy]

I had anxiety alot when I was younger...not so much anymore....and as you asked for someone to knock some sense into you...you shouldn't really bite them when they do it.

I would suggest actually listening to the advice given instead of getting defensive about it. You started a similar thread a few months ago. Did anything in that thread help you? I ask because you never returned to comment...and that sends a message of sorts...

One of the nicest things anyone ever did for me was to verbally kick my ass and tell me the truth..I am forever grateful to that guy..he died many years ago...and I am glad that I thanked him instead of kicking him in the balls when I had the chance....

I actually went back and see that you have posted a number of threads about this same topic. There's tons more advice in all those threads. They are worth a re-read.

 

[KaraBulut]

... A professional counselor does not assist with jealousy and insecurity. Those are personal traits...character flaws. I have anxiety. I have also suffered from depression and have attempted suicide at the young age of 15.

Just to correct the above...

There's a difference between a professional therapist vs a psychiatrist. A therapist is exactly the person to help you find insight into your behaviors and work on finding better ways to cope with stress in your life. Jealousy and insecurity are exactly the type of issues that a good therapist would help you work on.

A psychiatrist would be the person that you would see if your condition is severe enough to require medication or more intensive treatments.

 

[Danny]

We need to learn to expect everything and thus be able to face and overcome the consequences. I know it's easier said than done since you are suffering thinking your partner may be cheating on you and that this is like saying don't worry when you actually cannot do otherwise, but you need to take care of yourself as well.

Obsessing with it only makes things worse. Something I've learned is that nothing and no one is really ours. Relationships can end and betrayals are not necessarily the cause, even if it's frequent. Once that happens it surely hurts but... it's simply not the end of the world. Our life is worth more than being sad and sorry forever, and we can always start again.

With that said, there seems to be a good dialogue between you two so you should try a different, more relaxed approach about your worry. You can talk to your partner about whether he is satisfied with your sexual life. The more he sees you anxious the more he will not be honest, just to make you suffer less...

I hope this helps somehow. Cheer up Danny

Thanks for the kind advice. I think a lot of these other responders don't understand what anxiety actually is, and that hurtful or blunt responses don't help. They just make you feel worse about yourself and even more guilty and crazy for feeling the way you feel, knowing it's not your fault or something you can help. If I were a jealous person, I'd admit that, as I have no problem admitting if something makes me jealous. Yes I have insecurities, like every normal person does, and I admit those, also. But this is completely different.

Anyway, the cure for my anxiety is normally just a quick chat with someone who assures that it'll pass. I got that from a friend last night. Sure enough, woke up today feeling great, loved, in love and happy.

I would strongly suggest some of you do some research on medical/mental illnesses, such as anxiety.

 

[MrRochesterNY]

Time to close the thread?

 

[KaraBulut]

This is the no-flame zone, so while the advice offered can be quite frank, it's never allowed to be out-of-line or inappropriate for the subject.

That same respect is expected of the people who open threads asking for advice in H&W and CO&R. You are never required to follow the advice, but if you ask for advice, we do expect that you listen and show respect for those who offer the advice... especially since many of the members here are older, wiser and often are professionals with expertise in areas that they are offering advice on.

Thread closed.