Any advice???

[thephoenix]

I have a little situation I'd like some advice on. Some of you may remember I asked for some help regarding my best friend who tried to kill himself several weeks ago. Things were tense between us for a time and then seemed to cool off. He never thanked me or told me he was glad I was there. Well, about a month ago he asked me and a girl I've been liking recently (I'm bi) to go bowling with him. I thought it was good he wanted to get out so we said yes. She decided to bring her boyfriend along much to my disappointment. My friend said to be at the bowling alley at 7:30. Well, I showed up at 7:30 and almost one hour and 4 drinks alone, the girl I liked showed up with her boyfriend and then my friend showed up. He proceeded to make fun of me for taking "be there at 7:30" so literally. Everyone has a great big laugh at my expense. I let it slide because I thought maybe I was being a little sensitive due to boyfriend being there.

We're all settled maybe 5 mins when this guy who my friend knows I don't get along with (on both ends as the guy doesn't care for me either) walks in. My friend laughed when he saw my face at this guy's arrival. He had invited him and not told me. He said he wanted all of his friends together and knew I wouldn't come if I knew the other guy was coming. This dude and I have a history of not getting along because he torments me. He is disrespectful of me and makes fun of me to my face and behind my back. When my friend and this guy are together it is as if they are making fun and teasing me together. Tonight is no different. Suddenly, I'm the butt of all jokes. They laugh together and I get madder and madder. I see people I know and try to talk to then instead. Well, my friend being drunk now, begins to get belligerent with me. He would come over and stand like against me or bump into me intentionally. When I told him to get off me, he told me it was his bar (he knows the owner) and if I didn't like it to leave. He then laughed and the guy I dislike chimed in too.

He (my "friend") proceeds to openly flirt with the girl I like. He then turns around and talks about how I'm the only one there by myself, everyone else has someone and no one wants to be with me and then laughs with everyone. At this point I'm almost to tears so I go outside only to realize I'm too drunk to drive. I call my brother who comes to get me and I cry the whole way home. Well, my brother goes back to defend my honor and he and my friend get into an argument over who loves me more.

Well, I wake up at my parents house and my dad tells me that my friend has been trying to reach me. I call him expecting an apology only to get more insults. My family doesn't have a lot of money. I grew up poor and still in comparison to some people am poor. My friend on the other hand has money and comes from it. He called me poor trash and kept saying how he had been ridiculed so much for being my friend. How he was a good friend because he was friends with me even though I was "gay". (He knows about me). And how everyone thinks I'm gay and he is ridiculed for being friends with "that poor gay boy." He called me a coward for sending my brother to fight him (i didn't) and he told me I would never have a future and that I would always be a "poor queer." He has since told the girl I like that I dislike her friends (I don't) and I think he told her I liked her because she won't talk to me anymore because "she just isn't comfortable" around me.

My friend and I have been "normal" for a little while now, things were tense still for a few days after. He felt like he had every reason to be mad. He told me I was selfish for not acting like an adult and forgetting that I didn't like the person he invited. I feel like I shouldn't have been shanghai'ed and talked to like he did. He took every insecurity we've talked about and threw them in my face. It kills me that someone hurt me as much as he did. He has never apologized. He told me he would not take anything back. I think the biggest reason I've stuck around is because I do care about him, I've known him over ten years and he is going through a divorce right now, so he isn't himself.

I guess my question is, should I try to bring the night back up for discussion? I don't have any closure and am having a hard time dealing with what he said to me. I'm worried that bringing it up may not bring any closure and just cause more pain. Should I wait until he seems more normal? To be honest, I'll gauge the conversation on whether or not I will end our 10+ year friendship. I would like some objective advice if any can give some. Sorry for the long post, I felt you guys needed a big chunk of the story.

 

[G-Lexington]

My personal take - and that's all there is - is that you already had closure. Your "friend" (since you insist on calling him that) paid back your kindness by undercutting you, putting you in an uncomfortable situation, and making you feel like shit. This is not the behavior of friends. This is the behavior of assholes. I don't care what he's going through - nobody should treat their friends like that. He obviously doesn't value your friendship - he values having someone around who he can belittle. If you feel comfortable being his whipping boy, then sure - keep talking to him. But I'd consider his behavior and his refusal to apologize the "closure" you desire. Better to have no friends than an asshole friend. Stop talking to him.

Lex

 

[PieRules]

Regardless of divorce or a suicide attempt by your "friend", he has no justification in treating you the way he has. What an asshole. Belittling you and making you feel small is no way to treat anyone, let alone a "friend." Cut your losses or call him out on his behavior. Demand an apology. If he's really a friend, he'll do it. Is it also that you've let him get away with his behavior for so long a time that he believes it's normal and acceptable?

Really, is it really worth feeling like shit just to remain a friend to someone like him? You deserve better.

 

[sunshinesteve]

Hes obviously an attention seeker, and you are playing into his game, until you cut him loose and find some real friends, you will only attract more of the same.
Stand up
Be brave
and
Stay beautiful

 

[WYSIWYG]

I think you know the answer already to your problem. I agree with the others here. Closure has been made by him already and no one needs a "friend" like that...PERIOD!

If you want to discuss the night with him and if he does not give you an apology, (not likely), then tell him your no longer a friend of his..thank you very much!

A very very poor excuse for a friend I might add also.

 

[Eagle653]

Wow, your "friend's" behavior is obnoxious and pathetic. He is a boor and immature, if not mentally ill.

You deserve better from friends and acquaintances. Stop being a door mat for his visions of "fun." I hope that you cut him off, and regain some self-respect.

When and if you do, I only hope that he realizes that he lost the best friend he ever had--probably the one who cared enough to save his life.

Your story is sad beyond belief. I'm sorry this happened to you. Please keep in touch with us and let us how how you're doing and what you're going to do.

 

[Ramon11]

Wow, your "friend's" behavior is obnoxious and pathetic. He is a boor and immature, if not mentally ill.

You deserve better from friends and acquaintances. Stop being a door mat for his visions of "fun." I hope that you cut him off, and regain some self-respect.

When and if you do, I only hope that he realizes that he lost the best friend he ever had--probably the one who cared enough to save his life.

Your story is sad beyond belief. I'm sorry this happened to you. Please keep in touch with us and let us how how you're doing and what you're going to do.

Like the other guys above whose advice is so sensible and so caring of you, I think you have been grievously wronged by this erstwhile "friend". Dump him! He is not worthy of you. You do not deserve such treatment from him or his satellites and you certainly should feel proud that you did what you have done - and in the face of such abuse!

You take care of yourself and know that we are all thinking of you and hoping things work out, minus that asshole whom you tried to extend the hand of friendship to!

Private message me any time if you prefer. I am always available to answer - but I am a long way away from where you live so I can be objective when there is a need.

Ramon

 

[Homoerectus]

These are not friends. No matter how fucked up your suicidal guy is, he is not a friend. He and his friends are tormenting you for a reason, perhaps it is just becasue misery loves company. Find some real friends and dump these losers.

 

[Vacabbie]

All i can say is WAKE THE FUCK UP and move on,,,,,with all the love behind it.

Money SHOULD NEVER EVER matter when friendship is involved.

And i would never ever ever be associated with an asshole like that.

So enjoy the memories of the good times(if there were any) and get a true friend...and hell that deserves

 

[mexamor]

Indeed, it does deserve


You deserve better. What a wonderful brother (I don't agree with what he did, but what beautiful sentiments) We used to belive that "might makes right" (we still do to some extent) now it is more of a "money is always right".
It is hard to give up 10 years of history, as glib as we all sound about it. When you invest heavily in something, as you have to this relationship, it is hard to throw all of that away (which is why so many people lose thier fortunes in business) You want to believe you can salvage something. It is easy for us outsiders to make quick judgments we have no investment in it.
Having said that, I agree with the rest, you need to "dump your investment" and move on. I'm sorry to say that, I really am, I can imagine how you are feeling. So...

 

[Soilwork]

I guess my question is, should I try to bring the night back up for discussion?

No.

You should stop taking his calls, forget he exists, never see him again, and find friends who are actual friends and don't treat you like shit for sport.

This twat isn't your friend, he keeps you around because he likes to have someone that he can torment for fun and you (up until this point) seem to be willing to be his monkey.

Going through a divorce is no excuse to treat you like that, having a bad day or being under stress isn't a good reason to be such a total asshole, and from what I've read, your "friend" not only isn't your friend at all, he's a total asshole who blames you for his own misery, goes out of his way to hurt people around him, and you've been dumb enough up to this point to let him tread all over you.

Stop being such a doormat and find friends who are always your friends and don't keep you around so they can put you down to make their pathetic selves feel just a little less pathetic by upsetting you.

 

[looseliam]

YOu won't hear this from me again.

If he tries to kill himself again, let him. Someone this vile neither deserves your kindness, nor the oxygen in his lungs.

This is not a friendship. This is a charity. He is friends with you because it makes him feel like a saint, of sorts. I'm speaking from experience. I have been in your shoes.

These people are NOT your friends, ergo you should not worry about loosing them. Walk away.

And kudos to your brother. My brother did the same thing, and I'd do the same thing for my sister - without question.

Who the fuck cares what they think. Let them revel in their high-holiness. For in the end they will get theirs. Trust me, they will. Life has a funny way of sorting things out.

Sorry for the rant, but this hits way to close to home.

Oh, and what everyone else said, too!

 

[ryan13th]

The guy sounds like a complete asshole. Anyone who would consider themselves to be your friend wouldn't have acted the way he did, and then call you out saying how good of a person he is for being your friend and throw your economic situation in your face. This guy a grade-A dick and doesn't even deserve to have your friendship.

I think you should bring it up again just to see what he says, and then tell him how much of a dick he was to you. He's defeintly doesn't seem like the sort of friend you want to have in the first place, you can find much better.

 

[NameTaken]

He sounds like the type who if you ever told him you were no longer his friend say "Actually, I DO believe everything I said" aka the type of douchenozzle who only ever looks out for himself.

 

[thephoenix]

Thanks for the advice.....it is what I expected. What makes me so reluctant to just trash the friendship is a) time and emotional investment b) before two months ago he never talked to me or treated me the way he has. Before with the other guy it was light teasing so if I got upset my friend would be genuninely shocked that I was so sensitive. That night was extreme.

It's got me completely flummoxed. I was wondering what I did wrong. It does seem like misery loves company because my life went crappy about the time his did. Like he didn't want me to have any kind of happiness if he didn't have any. I don't understand it.

I've dialed my friendship card way back, I don't approach him; he always approaches. He calls me; I don't call him. He is acting like everything should be normal between us. Last night he called and we got to talking about his divorce and stability. He told me he wasn't stable at all and that his life didn't turn out at all how he wanted it. He kept going on about it till I finally asked him if he really thought he was the only one whose life didn't turn out how he wanted. Turns out the doofus does. He has gotten so self centered....I told I was there for him and always would be and then he said he needed space and that right now he was just looking to use someone and to be selfish and he didn't want it to be me. He didn't want to risk someone he cared about (A complete 180!). I told him fine, offer was open always, but I was not putting anything on hold for him to decide he really was a lucky guy. And I'm not. I'm not waiting around for him to decide "hey, let's be best friends again", hell I've got better things to do. When he gets his act together I may or may not be around. Since then, he has called me twice and I've seen him once. Still normal as all get out. I am so confused by him right now......As for the others, they are of the past. I didn't have much of a history with them so it was no problem for me to say "screw you"

 

[G-Lexington]

Yes, yes, yes. Move on. I guess it's nice that he says he doesn't want it to be you he uses, but ideally, he shouldn't have to use anyone. That's not what people are for. He strikes me as severely messed up, so avoiding him might be the right move.

Lex

 

[luminum]

Your companero is a fucking snot. Screw him.

You saved his life and he doesn't appreciate it and found that because he was so miserable, he'd blame you and make your life a hell and then criticize you for not taking it in stride. See past it. He's too much of a coward to stop making his life miserable and he's trying to make you just a miserable because he blames you.

He tries to tell you that you're a bad friend and that he's the good friend. He plays a dirty trick on you and then blames you for not accepting it. He stands you up for an hour and blames you for feeling miffed that he was so late (on purpose, I assume).

So screw him. No matter what he does or where he goes, he will always owe his life to you, the "poor gay boy" and nothing he does can ever erase that. You should be proud that you loved someone so much to save their life and take it with you.

You're a better person than he is and he doesn't appreciate you. So take your joy and your love to someone else who will. Where will his asshole friend be when he's despairing because his ex wife cheated on him and he wants to kill himself?

I'll be very honest. Take the knowledge that you've made the ultimate act of friendship by saving his life and move on. Leave him behind. He's a lost cause and only he can ever make himself better. There's no benefit to either of you for you to stay and let him abuse you because he's a coward.

Tell him that you saved his life because you cared about him and if his life is so meaningless that all he can do to return your act of kindness is to act like a burro, then there's no reason for you to stay by his side.

Normally, I never say that you should give up on a friend, but this man is not your friend. Or if he is, he's lost in too much of his own pain to be a friend to you and there is nothing you can do about it. It is up to him to save himself. You can only hope that he'll be the person you think he is and find his way out.

So leave him, phoenix. You are a human being and a great friend and you deserve better.

 

[thephoenix]

Why do people just fucking suck? I'm so mad right now! My "friend" invited me to his house for beer and to talk. Well were talking and it was nice and like old times. Then all of a sudden, he tells me I try too hard with people and run them off. He calls me a womanizer and tells me I'm just like the guy who cheated with his wife. He tells me his wife told him I was two faced and talked about him behind his back and he believed it. I've never done that....I called him out on how that pissed me off because I've been a damn good friend to him and you know what he says: "you try too hard so it's your fault if that hurts you. You try too hard to be a friend. I don't ask you to half the shit you do so it's your fault"

That's it, I'm through with this bastard, I'm kinda of drunk and very pissed off right now. My feelings are hurt and I'm more than sick of my feelings being constantly hurt for the past 2 months. I'm taking off for out of town for a while. It's about to get damn cold for him. See how he is without me....fucking dick head....sorry guys....he's seen to it that anyone i've known is done with me so I don't exactly have any friends....no good deeds go unpunished huh?


P.S. thanks for your advice and kind words that really mean a lot

 

[mexamor]

glad you are leaving him, stay left.

 

[G-Lexington]

Prepare for him to call you up so you can get back together to talk it over.
Prepare to be tempted to do so.
Prepare to hold fast and not go.
Prepare what you'll say to him. Keep it simple and unemotional. "I'm really not interested in seeing you right now." End discussion. Hang up.
Prepare to have to do this more than once.
Prepare to wonder if you're doing the right thing...for several months.

And take comfort in the fact that you are.

Lex